December 17, 2008

Female Language...Revealed!



It's well-known by both men and women that females have their own "language" they use with each other. In an amazing display of nonverbal accuracy, two women can often communicate with a combination of eye contact, expression, body language, slight nods, breathing rates, and minimal vocalizations. With men, young women will sometimes try to use this language, but those of us over 18 have long since realized men don't naturally speak it. However, we will still try to communicate with them through a confusing serious of words and phrases that actually mean something other than what we're saying. While this is a much more obvious, dumbed-down form of our all-females nonverbal language, men still have trouble with it until they learn to read the particular meanings their particular female hides behind key words and phrases.

I'll admit, it's not fair.

So you want some help? Due to a recent altercation with my boyfriend, which left me annoyed and wondering how best to punish him, my mind wandered instead to the "things I mean" as opposed to the "things I say." I'm warning you, this is not entirely accurate, as each woman's language is her own, and your mate may not mean the things I do, even when she uses the same words. But as far as explaining to men how I--and other women like me--think, this is as close as I can come.

Be warned. The following is top-secret information, and I'm something of a traitor for divulging this. (That's why I keep my blog activities safely anonymous.)


What women say... and what women really mean.
  • I don't know. = I am mad at you, ask me again.
  • I honestly don't know. = I don't know
  • I'm fine. = Ask again, and again, and again.
  • Never mind. = I don't think you care. Ask again.
  • Whatever. = I don't agree with you, and want to call you a nasty name but am too polite
  • Fine. = NOT fine. Fix it! FIX IT!
  • Fine. Do whatever you want. = Just Try Me.
  • Just leave me alone, okay?! = I need a few minutes to think about it, but then I still won't tell you. Ask me again in 2 minutes.
  • Ask me again in a minute. = I'm testing you to see if you really care. You better ask me again in a minute, or I'll be ticked!
  • I'm not mad. = I'm mincing words. I may not be "mad," but I'm sad, upset, angry, jealous, furious, frustrated, or irritated. Ask me more questions.

  • You forgot this last time. = I am making a mental note to see if you remember this time.

  • Fine, let's just drop it. = I honestly want to work this out with you, but I'm afraid there's no solution. Please make me feel better.

  • Let's get off the phone. = I'm testing you to see if you love me. Don't let me get off the phone!!!
  • Don't touch me! = I'm serious, please give me space right now.

  • Fine. I'm leaving. = I'm testing you again. Block the door!

  • Fine, just leave. = I'm afraid you're leaving me. Please reassure me.

  • Do you even hear what I'm saying? = I'm afraid you're so angry you don't care about my feelings anymore.

  • Why are you mad? = I am trying to tell you something important, and you are stopping me by being angry and defensive yourself. Please focus on me and my needs right now.

  • I understand. = I intellectually grasp what you are saying, but I really think it's stupid and pointless and you're a moron for thinking that.

  • Fine, call me when you have time for me. = I'm hurt because you don't have time for me. This is your cue to apologize, ask how I'm feeling, validate me, and reassure me nothing comes before me.
  • Yeah, right. = I am too nice to say what I'm thinking right now.
  • You are unbelievable. = You are f*****ing unbelievable!
  • Try me. = Do this, and there will be hell to pay.
  • *sighing* = I'm not happy. Ask me what's wrong
  • *hugging self tightly* = I'm unhappy and I need a hug.
  • *curling into ball* = I'm so unhappy I can barely stand up.
  • *clenching fist or teeth* = I'm really upset and nervous.
  • *biting fingers* = I'm trying to hurt myself; you should stop me.
  • *hand to stomach* = I'm so upset I feel like throwing up. You need to stop fighting and take care of me physically.
  • *hand to head* = I'm stressed, and my head hurts. It is hard to think. Please calm down.
  • *hand to chest* = I'm so upset I'm starting to panic. Please take care of me and get me calmed down before we talk any more.
  • *avoiding eye contact* = You've hurt me and I've put walls up. I'm in full defensive mode now, and I've probably shut off emotionally. You need to speak softly to me and hold me to get me back.
  • *scrunching up face* = I feel like crying.
  • *says two contradictory things* = I'm confused; I'm not sure how I feel!
  • *yelling* = I don't want to yell, but you aren't understanding me! I need to feel like you're on my side.
  • *crying* = Our relationship is so important to me, and I feel despairing that we can fix this. My heart is aching to think there is no solution and this may be over.

If you understand what we're really trying to say, sometimes maybe when we don't even realize it ourselves, you can respond with love and understanding, and we can work out our differences.

Going Shopping with a Woman: A Metaphor of Validation



Validating is often--not always!--more difficult for men. This is because they are often raised to be competitive and individualistic. This can be a rude awakening for men when they find themselves in a relationship, where they are expected to abandon their selfish desires and work as a team. Suddenly they are responsible for the happiness and emotional wellbeing of a very strange, emotionally variable, and deeply feeling creature. Many men panic, and with good reason. How do they validate her when they've never learned how?



One of the best metaphors I've heard to explain this (I got it from a book, but I honestly can't remember which!) is a shopping metaphor. Look at it this way:

You are going shopping with your wife. She comes out in a neon pink outfit made for someone 20 years younger and 10 pounds lighter. What do you say?

You have two choices. You can say carefully, "Well, honey, it's not my favorite, but it's fine. What do you think?" She will probably realize it doesn't look great and take it off.

Or you can respond, "Holy crap. That looks terrible on you. That outfit goes on someone 20 years younger and 10 pounds lighter! And I hate pink!"

Now you probably know better than this. Because even if she already didn't like the outfit, now you have hurt her feelings. You have attacked the outfit and her. Now she is going to get angry, hurt, and upset, and probably start flinging things back at you like, "Since when don't you like pink? And what is wrong with me wearing something you don't like?! What if I wanted to look younger? HUH?"

This is the metaphor of validation. Because women are not like men. Before men try clothes on, they already know they like it. Otherwise they wouldn't bother trying it on. Likewise, when they something, they already know they mean it, or they wouldn't waste their breath.

Women are not like this. Much more indecisive and unstable creatures by natures, women try clothes on to find out if they like the outfit. They aren't sure about it, so they try on 20 or 30 different things, just to see. Then they make a decision. They are the same way in conversations. They probably aren't really sure how they feel, especially if they are upset. They are probably experiencing a very confusing tornado of various emotions. Since they can't explain them all at once, they just randomly grab one and say it out loud. It doesn't mean they've picked the emotion that best fits their opinion. They are just trying it on for size.

Women talk to discover their feelings; men talk to share discoveries they've already made. In this area, the two sexes are very much like their shopping styles.

So if your wife says, "You are such a jerk! You don't even care about my feelings!", your best bet is not to respond immediately with a defense like, "Yes I do! Why would you say that?!" Just like with the ugly pink outfit, you should hang back and wait to see what she really thinks. Remember, most women don't mean the first thing that comes out of their mouth. They are thinking out loud, processing their feelings verbally. If you jump in immediately with some witty repartee or defensive remark, you throw a wrench into her whole "thinking out loud" process. Now she has to stop and spend time arguing with you that she has a right to wear obnoxious pink outfits if she wants to. In this situation, no one wins.

It may help you feel less defensive if you remind yourself that the first thing she says isn't necessarily the thing she means. Just like a good shopping buddy, you should calmly wait til she's tried on all the clothes, and then help her decide which ones suit her best. By being her sounding board, you allow her to get all her feelings expressed and realize which ones are serious concerns and which ones are not.

A better solution would be to respond calmly and lovingly. When she snaps, "You're such a jerk! You don't even care about my feelings!", just take a calm breath and remind yourself she's just trying on clothes for size. Ask her, "What makes you feel that way?" This allows her to give you a more detailed answer with the specific reason she's upset, hopefully without calling you names or insulting you this time around (women need practice validating, too!).

When a woman is experiencing many emotions, it may take her a while to get through trying them all on. She will probably throw the ugliest outfits at you first, since those are the first ones she sees. Eventually, she will work through the whole pile. If you can wait through the whole pile without feeling attacked or defensive, you will have done both of you a huge favor! But I understand this can be daunting to do when your first reaction is to defend yourself (or your clothes, for that matter).

So let her "try on" many different emotions, some of which may be pleasant for you, but most of which will not. Stay calm and nondefensive, and eventually she will simmer down and you two can get to the bottom of what she really means.

Dealing with Antidepressants in a Relationship

Depression (also known as "depressive disorder") is one of the fastest-growing mental disorders in the United States. According to a CBS survey, almost 18.8 million Americans suffer from major depression (this does not include those who suffer from minor or occasional depression, so the numbers are even higher!). There are 190 million prescriptions given out each year for the treatment of this mental disorder. And while the causes of depression are still not known, the staggering numbers alone attest that for millions of Americans, having a partner on antidepressants is a fact of life.

First, depression is a mental disorder. It can be hereditary, due to past abuse, caused by a severe event, or a mixture of all three. Also, people diagnosed with one mental disorder are more likely to suffer from others (multiple diagnoses). Other mental and psychiological disorders that often accompany depression are panic disorder, anxiety disorders, manic-depression, and PTSD. For these people's partners, lots of patience and a vigilant, watchful eye for additional symptoms are necessary.

On the other hand, depression can not be self-diagnosed. I've heard of many people who have self-diagnosed (or been diagnosed by family or friends) and "decided" they are depressed. The truth is, no one but a medical doctor can tell you that. Many of the symptoms of depression are exactly the same as the symptoms of thyroid trouble, low blood sugar, severe mental disorders, past sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, or drug and alcohol abuse. In addition, many people use it as an excuse for their behavior ("I'm too depressed to go to work") or as a way to get attention. If your spouse won't go get checked by a doctor, there is no reason to think he is actually depressed. A doctor or phychiatrist is needed to determine the causes of all symptoms.

In fact, I'll go so far as to add that all the people I've know who are clinically, medically-verifiably depressed, did not realize they were depressed until a doctor examined them. A truly depressed person has no concept of "normal" and thus does not realize she is "depressed." And in all the cases I've seen where people without a medical diagnosis were touting depression as the source of all their troubles, they were generally seeking attention or making excuses for their own terrible behaviors.

But if your spouse is one of the 18.8 million Americans suffering from real depressive disorder, antidepressants are going to have an effect on your relationship. What can you expect from a partner on antidepressants?

First, antidepressants chemically alter the brain to rectify an imbalance of chemicals. Often they keep healthy chemicals that cause happiness from being sucked back up by the brain too soon. But any medication that chemically alters the brain can be dangerous, and you need to watch for side effects.

One common side effect, especially in children and young adults up to 25, is an increase of suicidal thoughts. Young people on medication need to check in with a doctor regularly, and you need to watch your child or spouse carefully to monitor for suicidal thoughts. You also need to be prepared and know how you will react if they should actually attempt suicide.

Of course, side effects depend upon the particular medicine given. But many antidepressants have some things in common.

Many cannot be mixed with other medicines, even over-the-counter herbs and pills. Be very careful with tylenol and ibuprophen, and read the back of the box. Cold, allergy, and sinus pills are often very dangerous when mixed with these pills; I once nearly passed out from inadvertently mixing these two. I would never recommend this! Alcohol, sleeping pills, and other sedatives are also very dangerous for people already on antidepressants, as the chemicals in the pills will change the body's natural reaction and will often compound the effect of the sleeping pills or alcohol.

Another quite terrible effect of some antidepressants is a blurring between reality and dreams. These pills can actually cause people to have nightmares, and more terrible and vivid nightmares than ever before. Others will just increase the vividity of all dreams. For nightmares, this is often terrifying, but even for normal dreams it can be confusing. The dreamer may wake up confused, thinking she was already awake, or she may have a hard time remembering which conversations she had in a dream and which she actually had. She may have to ask you, "Did we talk about this...No?...I must have had another dream..."

This may also take extra patience on your part, as often the vividity of the dreams can cause very real emotions that stay with the dreamer all day. And so, day after day, you may wake up, through no fault of your own, to find your spouse mad at you for something you did in a dream. Just be patience and understanding; no matter how hard your spouse tries to convince herself that it was just a dream, the accompanying emotins are completely out of her control. I know I once spent months angry at a boyfriend, no matter how hard I tried to surpress the feeling, because I had such terrible dreams about him nightly. When he got frustrated or angry at me for this, it just made things worse.

If your partner is suffering from vivid dreams or nightmares, be patient! Remember that he cannot remember if you said something for real or in his sleep. Be aware that he may still feel genuinely hurt and angry at you, even after you've calmly explained something was only a dream. And I know when I have those terrible nightmares, the awful feeling of dread does not go away when I wake up. I will sometimes wake up my partner, needing to be comforted and held, but if he just rolls over and goes back to sleep, it just makes me feel more hurt and abandoned than before. Try to remember that this isn't any more fun for your partner, either, and it is neither of your faults, but just something you have to work through together.

Many antidepressants cause weight gain. This, of course, affects self esteem, self image, and sex life (for both partners). Others can cause weight loss.

Antidepressants are sedatives, and can dramatically increase the effect of feeling sleepy. This is why sedatives and alcohol should never be mixed with the pills. Also, especially at the very beginning, expect your partner to feel tired and drowsy waaaay beyond the normal proportions! She may drift to sleep during work or while driving a car, so be very careful until you know how it affects her. Or he may fall dead asleep in the middle of the afternoon, right in the middle of your sentence! I once struggled through 8 hours of work, drowsy and almost incoherent, and then fell promptly asleep on my boyfriend's bed as he was talking to me, lights fully on and in the middle of the evening!

Antidepressants are intended to change the chemistry of the brain (for the better!), but sometimes this can have unintended affects. You may notice slight personality changes; these are annoying but normal. But if you notice a big change, your loved one needs to see a doctor. Small changes that are to be expected when taking a new medication are changes in mood, moodiness, irritability, or sudden mood fluctuations. Sometimes appetite changes will occur. Other times, they will become more emotional (sudden flares of temper, crying more often, more likely to scream or yell). Sometimes pills cause them to be less emotional all around, so while they are indeed less anxious and depressed, they are also less happy and excited. This is normal at the beginning and will usually go away as their body adjusts.

Antidepressants also change libido. They can decrease libido and sexual desire in both men and women. In men, it can cause erectile dysfunction. Or, sometimes, the pills will not affect the desire, but will affect the ability to orgasm. On the other hand, if your partner was truly depressed, there probably wasn't much interest in sex anyway, so the pills may not change anything or may actually increase their interest in sex as they slowly get happier!

There can also be physical side effects as your lover's body adjusts to a new drug. They may get sick to their stomach (having them eat the pills with a meal will help). Any new medicine can cause digestive troubles, such as constipation or diahrrea, until their body adjusts.

Generally, all side effects are mild and decrease as you get used to the pill. So just be patient and wait, and they will probably go away! Of course, if the effects are too intense or get worse, you should see a doctor! It takes the average person 3 different types of antidepressants before they can find the right one for their body. I know I went through 5 different medicines and about 8 different possible medicine changes, and am still not on a medicine my doctor is entirely happy with.

Also, it takes antidepressants about 4-6 weeks to really start working. This can be really difficult for someone who is sad and depressed, maybe even not wanting to be alive, and be told you have to wait 4 whole weeks to start feeling better. And since most of us have to be put on several different pills, and at several different dosages, to find the right brand and amount, it often takes months or years to find the correct balance. It took about 7 months for my doctor to finally put me on the correct pill and dosage, and even now he wants to change it again because it doesn't seem to working 100%.

Finally, we need to discuss getting off antidepressants. Because your body is relying on these pills to help it maintain a healthy chemical balance, you should never take yourself off the pills suddenly. Even missing a dosage can affect me and make me an emotional wreck. I took myself off pills once, and survived, but I wouldn't recommend it. You can send yourself into a terrible withdrawl, or often send your body spiraling back down into an even deeper depression than before. If you need to get off a medication, let your doctor know so he can give you the correct dosage and monitor you for problems as you taper off. And if your partner is stopping medication, you should be very vigilant to watch for mood changes, problems, or signs of returning depression/suicidal tendencies.

Most antidepressants have also not been studied as to their effects on pregnant women and fetuses. Therefore, you are usually never advised to take them when pregnant. For those of you at wanting to start a family, talk to you doctor. He can help you find the right pills for you during pregnancy, or help you get off them before you conceive. And if your partner is childbearing age and sexually active, you should be very, very careful about antidepressants. Even if you are using birth control, pregnancy is a possibility. Should you accidentally get pregnant, you run the risk of doing damage to the baby before you realize you're pregnant, or worse, forcing your wife to quit cold turkey for the sake of the baby. Needless to say, this is highly dangerous for your wife, and could send her into withdrawl and a more acute depression than before. This is not what you want for a pregnant mother or baby!

So what should you do if you are in a relationship with one of the millions of people suffering from depression? First, be patient and understanding. Second, arm yourself with information. Research it. The more you know about the disease, the medicine, and the side effects, the more help you will be and the more prepared you will be for problems. And last, watch, watch, watch! Mental illness is such a debilitating disease because it has the unique effect of blinding the victim from seeing that something has gone wrong. You can help your loved one by staying up-to-date on current research, knowing what to look for, and watching her carefully. Good luck!

Gender Differences in Communication

I hesitate to discuss gender differences in communication, because anything I say will be a generalization. In essence, men may tend to do certain things more than women, but that doesn't mean all men do them more than all women. We are individuals, and generalizations should not be assumed to include everyone.

However, gender differences do exist, and as such bear mentioning.

How do the genders differ in their approach to communication, teamwork, and relationships?

In general, women tend to be more comfortable expressing emotions, talking about their feelings and emotions, and sharing details from their private lives. Men tend to converse more about their opinions, and talk less about their relationships and lives and more about their jobs, hobbies, and ongoing news in the world.

When it comes to leading, women and men have different styles of leadership. Men will often focus more on the task: they want to get the job done! They oversee their crew to make sure everyone's job is getting done. Women often focus more on the welbeing of everyone in the group: is everyone happy and satisfied? They are interested in the outside lives and emotions of their crew. For example, if your mother has died recently, a male boss is unlikely to know this unless he sees it interfering with your work. A female boss, however, will probably check in on you from time to time to offer support, even if the loss is not affecting your work. These actually both make good leadership styles, and so an individual who can combine both styles will have an extremely effective management style.

Women and men also emphasize different qualities in their relationships. Women often emphasize their similarities with you and downplay your differences. They want your relationship to have a nice feeling of "we're the same, we understand each other, and we're in this together." Men will often emphasize your differences. They want the relationship to be one of growth, competition, and differing views and interests that make the relationship more exciting. Of course, both are important aspects of being a couple.

Gender differences can be especially beneficial when fighting. Men are likely to be very analytical, concentrating on what the problem is and how to fix it. The woman is likely to be more concerned with the emotions of both parties, how you both feel and how to make everyone happy and reconciled again. By working together, you can both fix the problem and soothe ruffled feathers.

Anyone who's been in a relationship can tell you men are more direct and blunt than women. When they have a problem or want something, they usually state it directly. Women often play a "beat around the bush" game; while what they want is very obvious to any women listening, the man in question may have no idea what she is getting at. In these cases, it is best just to ask directly: "Honey, what are you trying to say?"

Women are usually more sensitive to the emotional status of the relationship and more adept at managing the stormy waters of strong emotions. As such, they are often more willing to start a fight, since, after all, they are pros at steering their ships through these waters! Women have great faith that they can get through, and they know a better, more intimate relationship lies on the other side. Men, however, have generally practiced steering their imaginary "ships" around the shallows, outside of the big, scary waves of strong emotion and huge fights. They have a tougher time knowing how to navigate these waters, and often prefer to stay safely in the shallows, where there's lots of fun things to do like fishing, swimming, and searching for half-naked mermaids.

Because women are more sensitive to the emotional status of the couple, they are usually the first to know when there is a problem. Their highly developed emotional barometer tells them, "Oops. Storm ahead!" They start getting mopey and grouchy, complaining about problems in the relationship. The man is often quite bewildered, because his own barometer is reading "clear skies ahead!" and he has no idea what imaginary problem she is fussing over now. The most common mistake a man can make is to assume if he doesn't see the problem, there isn't one, and it is "all in her head." But often, women are simply more intuned to the emotions of themselves and their loved ones, and their intuition takes over. The best thing to do is help her prepare for the storm, and just grit your teeth and ride it out; by assuming it's in her head, you are invalidating her, making her think you don't care, and making the problem worse. And as any weatherman can tell you, storms aren't handled by just pretending it's not coming--you just get wet that way.

Men, on the other hand, are more adept at not taking life so personally. While a woman may get bogged down in all sorts of real and imagined rejections, a man will generally not take it personally and march cheerfully on. This can be a helpful tip for women to take, and a good example for them to follow! As a man, the best thing you can do is pause, give her lots of validation and love over her wound, and then encourage her nicely to not let it get her down.

Women also tend to be natural validators. When they hear about someone's bad day, they give lots of sympathy, attention, and validation. Men will often try to help the teller fix the problem. If the teller is a man, this works quite well; if the teller is a woman, however, she is likely to just feel that he doesn't care and is just trying to "fix" her. So men, when your wife talks, she doesn't want a solution, she wants you to listen and understand!

Women react differently to stories about a bad day. They will often share a story of their own similar circumstance to let the person know they are understood and not alone. To men, this can just be annoying if they think their wife is trying to "one-up" them with a better story. But usually, your wife isn't trying to one-up you, she's trying to make you feel better by sharing.

This is another rule of The World of Women. Sharing is rewarded by sharing. Emotional vulnerability is rewarded by emotional vulnerability. So when you share something special and intimate with your wife, she is likely to be so filled with love and happiness at this new emotional level your relationship has achieved that she wants to reciprocate by sharing her own deep, emotional moment. To women, this continual two-way sharing of emotions is what makes her feel close to you and in love with you. And that is never a bad thing!

Do you want to make a distant, unhappy woman feel close to you again? Or help a closed-off wife feel vulnerable and open to you? Ask her to share a story. Make it the deepest, darkest story you can think of. The more hurt, frightened, and betrayed she felt, the closer it will make her feel to share it with you and be met with love and understanding. It doesn't matter if you've heard the story before; we women love to "share," even if it's the same story again! Ask her interested questions, encourage her to share new emotions, and give her lots of validation. This is the best way to break through an emotional barrier that I know of.

Men and women aren't really from different planets, but sometimes we communicate like it. However, with practice and intimacy, we can each learn our spouse's unique "mode of communication." We can learn to know which buttons not to push (Danger! Danger!) and which buttons elicit a happy, loving response. We figure out which tones and faces mean what. We decide how best to respond. And eventually, we are communicating better and better with each other....which is, of course, the ultimate goal.

Resources:
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"Gender Issues: Communication Differences in Interpersonal Relationships"
"The Ladies' Room: Gender Talk."

Expressing Feelings, Not Thoughts

Are you a good communicator?

Most of you would probably answer yes. But most of you actually communicate much less effectively than you think you do. That is because, when you are talking, you know what you want to say and how you mean it. So of course you think you are a good communicator! The catch of communicating is that it is two-fold: you must send the message, and your partner must receive it. So if you are sending a mixed, unclear, or garbled message, your partner is not correctly receiving it, and hence, you are not communicating well.

We garble our messages when we do not clearly convey what we meant to say. Maybe we don't have the vocabulary or verbal fluency. Many of us don't communicate well when we get flustered or upset and angry. Or maybe you are saying what thing, but your tone and face say another. In this case, your partner is going to receive a mixed message; you are not doing your job to communicate well.

One way many of us could improve at communicating is by expressing our feelings, not our thoughts. For some reason, our culture tells is that it is okay for us to express rational thoughts and judgments, but not feelings or emotions. Our culture has especailly done a grave disservice in this area to men, who are specifically expected to be "rational" and not "emotional" creatures. This is ridiculous, since God created all of us human, and by nature both men and women are both rational and emotional. So men, it's okay to be emotional; God made you that way!

Yes, many men are less emotional than women. There's nothing wrong with that. And many women aren't naturally very emotional; this is fine, too. But the problem is that relationships rely on communication and expression, and in love, it is emotion and not ration that counts.

So how do you express your feelings, not your thoughts?

Let's see this example:

Jacob is upset because of something that happened at church. He tells his wife, "I can't believe the pastor let that man talk like that. It was completely uncalled for. That was totally wrong!"

Has Jacob expressed his feelings?

No. He has expressed his opinion, which is his thoughts. This is not normally difficult for men or women to do. We have no problem judging each other and stating our opinions! "I can't believe you did that!" "You are so selfish," "You never listen to me," and "That is so wrong" are common expressions between spouses. Unfortunately, these opinions do nothing to express our thoughts or fix the conversation; we are wasting our breath by providing useless information that does not help our spouse understand our point or know how to fix the problem.

However, if Jacob had said, "I can't believe the pastor let that happen. I felt so angry! How could he let that man continue? I feel betrayed, like he didn't defend our church at all." Here, Jacon is expressing his thoughts and his feelings (anger, betrayal).

Nor surprisingly, the most accepted emotion for men to feel is, you guessed it!, anger. If men have to feel an emotion, we prefer for it to be a strong, aggressive, "manly" emotion like anger, fury, or hatred. Why is this? It's certainly not biblical. God, whom I believe is the embodiment of masculinity, certainly feels anger, hatred, and fury in the Bible. But He also feels sadness, loss, lonliness, confusion, hurt, love, vulnerability, and openess.

Men are human, too. So naturally, they feel emotions like sadness, hurt, lonliness, and rejection. They can feel depressed, mopey, and blue. The problem is many men--and women--have been taught to hide these emotions. This prohibits us from admitting and sharing our true emotions with our lover, who deserves to know everything we think and feel.

Next time you are trying to communicate, sit down and make a list of how you "feel." Then sit back and read it. You will probably be surprised at how many of your "feelings" are actually not emotions at all, but opinions, statements, judgments, and thoughts. These tell what you think about something, but not how that affects you inside.

Generally, our spouses are not interested in what we "think." They probably already know it anyway. They are interested in how this affects us, why we feel that way, and what they can do to help; in essence, they want to know how we "feel."

What if you are so out of touch with your emotions that you're not even sure how to begin describing them? Perhaps the list below will help. Usually you will feel many emotions at once (you are hurt, which makes you sad and also angry), so pick as many as you need to describe yourself. Remember, there is no such thing as a "bad" emotion or an emotion that you "shouldn't feel." Your emotions are yours, and you have the right to feel them. They don't make you wrong, or a bad person, or unhealthy; they just make you human!

Emotions: happy, sad, jealous, angry, furious, confused, disoriented, overwhelmed, emotional, vulnerable, unhappy, depressed, gloomy, blue, possessive, mad, enraged, livid, irritated, frustrated, ticked off, saddened, lonely, alone, isolated, dazed, worried, anxious, panicky, nervous, distressed, envious, compassionate, mournful, sympathetic, unsympathetic, uncaring, vengeful, gleeful, satisfied, empathetic, needy, clingy, troubled, grief-stricken, despondent, afraid, frightened, uncertain, shy, scared, cowardly, timid, outgoing, confident, ashamed, bewildered, greedy, lustful, hateful, longing, delighted, smug, thrilled, exhilirated, joyful, disgusted, surprised, disappointed, optimistic, pessimistic, loving, remoreseful, guilty, dominant, controlling, pained, submissive, passive, contemptible, aggressive, awed, proud, cheerful, accepting, taxed, overburdened, content, underwhelmed, enthusiastic, amused, eager, hopeful, astonished, amazed, relieved, aggravated, annoyed, grouchy, grumpy, exasperated, giggly, teary, weepy, emotional, anguished, hurt, tormented, hopeless, gloomy, despairing, miserable, melancholy, sorrowful, dismayed, displeased, energetic, pitying, alarmed, jittery, insulted, offended, dejected, insecure, defeated, secure, terrified, hysterical, mortified, tense, uneasy, dreading, apprehensive, wondering, complete, relaxed, patient, stressed, impatient, rushed, hurried, harried, secure, appreciative, mystified, exhausted, avoidant, indifferent, reluctant, repulsed, understanding.

I'm sure there are more, but this should do! :) (I did this with help from Wikipedia!)

Are there more positive or negative emotions in this list? Negative. So you guessed it, it is okay to feel negative emotions. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel repulsed, smug, and vengeful. It doesn't make you less masculine to feel anguished, worried, or vulnerable. It doesn't make you less feminine to feel dominant, aggressive, and enraged. Your emotions are okay!

Try to become more aware of your feelings and accept them. Then, try to clearly communicate them to your spouse. Eventually, this will make you better at expressing yourself and will lead to a better, more emotionally open relationship.

In the Shadow of the Past: When a Loved One Has Been Abused

"Victims by chance...
survivors by choice!"

If your partner was one of the many men or women today who suffered abuse as a child or adolescent, I can tell you now that your relationship is going to be harder and more difficult. I can also assure you that it can be worth it.

Contrary to popular belief, children who were abused do not outgrow their victim mentalities. They sometimes turn in to abusers themselves, or more often seek out friends and spouses who are abusers, hence remaining in a perpetual "victim" state. Without outside help, they often fall into a trap of drugs, alcoholism, prostitution, promiscuity, and addiction. Those of us who manage to choose a healthier lifestyle will still be drawn toward these unhealthy behaviors, and our lives are a daily battle against our pasts. To understand what we are going through on a daily basis, you need to better understand abuse and how it follows its victims into their adult lives.

First, there are many types of abuse; you've probably heard of most of them. Sexual, physical, and emotional are the most common. There can also be financial and social abuse. Many times, abused children are not just the victims of one, but of a combination of several; abusive parents don't just stick to one form of abuse. And contrary to popular belief, how often the abuse happened or how bad it was do not matter: someone who was touched inappropriately a few times by a cousin can be just as psychologically damaged in adulthood as someone who was raped nightly by her father for 10 years.

People who were abused show several symptoms of this in adulthood. Often, we blocked out the abuse as children, and so it is as adults that we begin the slow, painful process of healing. If your partner was abused, the good news is, you can help with the healing!

Symptoms that someone may have suffered abuse in the past include:
  • depression,
  • anxiety and panic,
  • difficulty establishing or maintaining intimate relationships,
  • sexual difficulties,
  • addictions or compulsions,
  • eating disorders,
  • self harm or other emotional issues,
  • feelings of emptiness,
  • a lack of reality,
  • extreme mood fluctuations,
  • difficulty managing anger,
  • promiscuity,
  • inability to say no,
  • low self-esteem or self-worth,
  • PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder),
  • nightmares,
  • chronic, unexplained pains (back, muscle, head, etc. often ache for no reason),
  • intense fear of rejection,
  • too passive or too aggressive,
  • cannot tolerate conflict,
  • explosive temper,
  • afraid to feel anger,
  • jumpy at slight touches or unexpected noises,
  • intense fear of making others angry or disappointed,
  • intense fear of abandonment,
  • dysthymia (chronic, low-level depression),
  • anxious or worried with no specific cause,
  • supicious and untrusting of other people; paranoid,
  • intense feelings of guilt or self-blame,
  • believe they deserve to be abused or unhappy,
  • difficult time relating sex to intimacy,
  • sexual dysfunction,
  • extremes in sexual behavior: promiscusous/ intense sexual desire, or complete lack of interest in sex/inability to be aroused or difficulty achieving orgasm,
  • panic attacks,
  • insomnia/sleep problems,
  • drug, alcohol, or other addiction problems,
  • weight gain,
  • thoughts of suicide,
  • fear losing control in relationships,
  • pain during sex,
  • confusion, detachment, or other problems that occur during sex,
  • eating disorder,
  • irritability,
  • inability to commit to a relationship,
  • relationship and marital problems.

If these signs sound like your loved one, they may have been abused. Be aware that different personalities will handle abuse differently. My brother and I experienced the exact same abuse, but we handle it differently as adults: I tend to be clingy, terrified of rejection, and very passive and afraid of conflicts. It's hard for me to feel loving and emotional during sexual activity. I suffer from panic attacks and chronic anxiety. My brother, on the other hand, has developed a terrible temper. He is defensive, angry, and aggressive. If you make him mad, watch out! Interestingly, we both suffer from depression and chronic stress-related pains, but we handle them differently. The point is, there is no right way to react to abuse.

From the list above, you may feel overwhelmed and wonder, "What could make a relationship with all those bad things worth it?" But to understand why abused people do this, you should understand what happened to them to make them react this way. Some common traits of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse during childhood are:

  • Using Emotional Abuse - calling victim names, degrading, humiliating victim, putting victim down, ridiculing, treating him like a servant, bossing her around, finding fault in everything, being hypercritical, making victim feel they're crazy, silent treatment, laughing at victim, ignoring victim, withholding affection as punishment, manipulation, being controling, making victim doubt his own abilities and sanity, holding grudges, using guilt
  • Using Physical Abuse: hitting, pushing, tackling, restraining, pulling hair, biting, slapping, twisting arm, throwing victim, hitting with objects, throwing things at victim, choking, scratching, dragging, standing too close (not allowing personal space), using physical intimidation, smashing things, making threatening guestures, cutting, knifing, shooting, threatening to kill or injure victim
  • Using Sexual Abuse: unwanted sexual discussion or innuendos, being viewed naked, forcing victim to view abuser naked, showering or bathing together, touching inappropriately, raping, fondling, harrassing for sexual contact, sleeping naked in bed with victim, any contact with breasts, buttocks, or genitals.

Not only do many abusers exhibit these symptoms, but they blame the victim, deny it happened, or shift guilt on the victim's actions ("I wouldn't hit you if you weren't so mouthy."). Given these terrible things, it's no wonder these children grow up to have psychological and emotional problems, unhealthy sex drives, and confused ideas of love and relationships!

The fact is, the traits that seem unhealthy to you now, were one healthy habits your partner picked up to deal with being abused. That's right, they were being healthy! When in an incredibly traumatizing situation with a parent or other adult, a child will naturally shift to make the best of the situation: a sexually abused child will try to feel loved and aroused during abuse, an emotionally abused person will shut down emotionally or learn to throw temper tantrums to protect herself, and a physically abused person may learn to have an incredibly high tolerance to pain without ever crying or showing distress.

A counselor once told me that it is natural for abused children to block out memories they will only later remember as adults, as a way to deal with the abuse. They will also sometimes find sexual pleasure and love from being abused, because that is the only way their poor, victimized bodies can cope with such an awful situation. People who were abused will often completely shut down during conflict (my mother calls this my "Ice Queen" phase)-- adults who do this are reacting instincitvely to danger, because they learned at a young age that being vulnerable, crying, and begging would not help. Given this, it is no wonder these people grow into adults who have difficulty being vulnerable and open!

Some may fantasize about re-creating the abuse, and they may crave it in their lifestyles. Some may only be turned on by someone who pretends to be abusive or mean. Others may not be able to get aroused at all, or will lose arousal suddenly during making love. As I said, there is no wrong way to deal with abuse.

If you notice your partner phasing into one of the symptoms listed above, it may just be a natural reaction; most abused people will show these symptoms from time to time. Or, it may be something you're doing that causes it: pressuring him to have sex, bullying him, or yelling and getting angry. If you trigger memories of the abuse, the victim will naturally react. The best thing to do in this case is to stop what you're doing and comfort your partner. Those of you in relationships with an abuse victim should be very, very cautious of her feelings and reactions during a fight or while making love, or any other scene liable to provoke unpleasant memories. Of course, if the abuser was a parent, you should also expect strange mood swings and regression to victimized behaviors when your spouse visits or talks to that parent!

So your partner was abused, and picked up a host of habits that, at the time, were necessary and healthy to deal with the situation. But now, a grown man or woman and ready to move on from the past, he is finding it hard to let go of those habitual actions or feelings of guilt and anxiety. This is natural, and often it just takes time, counseling, and lots and lots of love and support from you to heal.

The sad truth is, those of us who were abused will never be "fully healed." We will always fight the desire to be an abuser or a victim, to suffer from anxiety and mental disorders, and to compensate by falling into addiction and dependence. The more we heal, the less we will be drawn to these behaviors, but they will always haunt us. That is why abused children, once grown into adults, are always "living in the shadow of the past." That is why they are often the strongest people you will meet. That is why many of them grow into counselors or volunteers who find healing in turning back to help those victims who come behind to climb up into the light of healthy, fulfilling lives--even when it means delving into deep, painful wounds themselves.

It may be hard, but it is possible to live a normal, healthy life. It may be difficult, but it is possible to choose to stay in the sunshine...even for those of us living in the shadow of the past.

For more information on this subject, see my resources:

"Abuse Symptoms and Counseling."

"Consequences of Sexual Abuse."

"Dancing in the Shadows."

"Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse, The."

"Effects of Child Abuse on Adults."

"Victims by Chance, Survivors by Choice."

December 16, 2008

The "Repeat Back" Validation Strategy

"Is it more important to be right...
or to be happy?"
-Unknown

Of all the types of validation, what I call the "repeat back" strategy is probably the most advanced, and therefore, also the most effective...and the most difficult. It may take some getting used to if you're not a natural validator, but I can promise you, the effort will be well worth it.

This particular form of validation is unique because it requires you to listen, process, and understand all that you've heard, then summarize it, paraphrase, and repeat it back. Sometimes, you're trying to do this while ignoring and censoring your own strong emotions, judgments, and reactions to the subject, especially if your partner is saying something you know to be false, incorrect, or unfair.

So why, you ask, should I go to the trouble of validating my partner if I know he's not right? If he's accusing me, putting words in my mouth, and angry? In short, why does he deserve validation if he's wrong?

The answer is: because he's human. Because you love him. Because you'd rather keep your relationship than make a point. Because you'd rather be happy with him than right all alone.

And sometimes that is the choice we must make, to make our relationships work. Would we rather be right... or happy?

And so, the "repeat back" strategy comes into play, even when it may be difficult to do.

If you are a man, you might need to practice validation during conversations. Often, when women complain (either about you or about other things...family, friends, feeling fat, her job, the kids, etc.), they don't want you to fix the problem, they want you to emphathize with (or understand) the problem. That's right: she doesn't want advice, or how you would have handled it, or helpful tips to make it better. As a man, you may be dying to play the hero and show her how to fix her problem, because that's what men do when they love and care for a woman. But this woman doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen. And understand.

If your partner is saying lots of things like, "You know?" or "Am I crazy?" during conversations, this warns you that her validation meter is running low. Women who keep asking you for validation do so because they don't feel validated or comforted by the responses they're already getting. (Some common signs you need to jump in and take a more active, validating role in the conversation are when these phrases start popping up often in her story or at the end of her sentences: You know?, Right?, You understand?, Am I wrong?, What do you think?, Am I crazy?, Am I right?, Wouldn't you?, I mean, etc.)

A sure sign I'm not feeling validated enough in a conversation with my partner is when my story starts to sound like this: "I mean, I couldn't believe she said that, you know? I was just standing there and she made a comment about my weight, you know? I mean, am I crazy? Isn't that just so rude? I mean, would you be mad? Jennie said she would have been furious! I was just so hurt, you know? What do you think? Am I wrong?"

Yep, most women can look at that conversation and realize, "Oops. That girl is just begging for feedback!" But because my partner is a man (and a very loving, caring man), he doesn't get the silent signs. I have been sharing my feelings, which is naturally vulnerable for me. And I didn't get the feedback I was looking for. So I start to doubt myself, and start asking continually for more feedback. The longer he goes on just listening, the more those little key phrases are going to start popping up in my story. I'm waiting for a reaction like, "Wow! I'd have been so furious!" or "No way! I can't believe she did that to you!" If I keep getting no reaction, eventually my story will get so bogged down with validation-seeking comments that I'll just stop and ask desperately, "What do you think?!" Ideally, he should validate me long before that, and keep doing so continually throughout my story, mirroring my emotions and getting more upset as I do.

So how would the repeat-back strategy work? I'll give you two examples, one in a regular conversation (no conflict) and one in a fight (conflict). Of course, the one with no conflict is easier to do, but they are both possible, and actually very helpful.

Repeat-Back Strategy #1: Elena and Jim Talk
Elena: I've had such a terrible day.
Jim: Really? What happened?
Elena: You don't want to know.
Jim: Sure I do! Tell me what happened.
Elena: (sighs) I don't want to talk about it.
Jim: Are you sure? You seem pretty upset. Honey, I want to hear about your day. Tell me.
Elena: Well, it was terrible! First my mother called. She had to talk for an hour and she was complaining and I couldn't get the kids ready for school.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Elena: Then, the kids were being terrible! Lacy wouldn't get ready and when I finally got off the phone Jimmy had none of his homework done from last night!
Jim: Wow. So your mom stressed you out, and then the kids just added to it.
Elena: Right! Then, I finally got the kids to school, and I headed to work, but there was a traffic jam, and then my secretary called, and my first meeting got moved up, so I was almost late. I didn't have time to prepare. Then my clients kept calling in and having to reschedule. It was chaos!
Jim: So you'd already had a stressful morning, and then this stuff at work just made you feel worse.
Elena: Yes! I was so stressed!
Jim: Right. It seemed like nothing could go right today.
Elena: Exactly. Yes, that's right. Like nothing could go right.
Jim: Then what else?
Elena: Nothing else. The afternoon was fine. But I just felt like my day was ruined.
Jim: The whole day had been ruined because it got off to a bad beginning. First your mother, then the kids, then the traffic and work.
Elena: Right. A terrible day.
Jim: I understand. I'd have felt stressed out, too! Why don't you let me rub your neck for a while?

Notice that while Jim did not pressure Elena to tell him anything, he was immediately engaged and willing to listen at her first indication that she'd had a bad day and wanted to talk to him. He encouraged her to share with him from the beginning.

Also note that Jim did not attempt to "steal the limelight" from Elena by telling his own, similar story, giving her unasked-for advice, or trying to "fix" the problem. He encouraged her to talk, but did not ever add in his own thoughts or additions. This conversation was all about letting Elena talk and letting her know she'd been understood. He didn't attempt to put words in her mouth, but simply rephrased the things she'd already told him to make sure he'd understood correctly and let her know he cared.

Repeat Back Strategy #2: Kristy and Matt Fight
Matt: You're always so stubborn! You never want to listen to me! All I'm saying is we should save more money. We shouldn't have to argue about which bills to pay!
Krista: You don't like to worry about money, and you think I don't listen to you in this area.
Matt: You don't listen! I told you I was worried about the bills this month, but you went out and bought the kids Christmas presents, anyway! And that new lamp for our room! You never listen to anything I say!
Krista: You're frustrated because I didn't listen to you. Now you feel we've spent too much money this month.
Matt: Not too much money necessarily. But we might have!
Krista: You don't even like to worry about the possibility.
Matt: Exactly! It's so infuriating!
Krista: It just makes you feel angry.
Matt: And helpless.
Krista: I understand.

Notice that, even when Matt was being angry and rather hateful, Krista did not respond with defensiveness or anger. She did not defend her point of view or try to make him see things her way. She simply repeated back what he'd said to check for understanding. When she understood incorrectly, this gave him a chance to correct her, and then she re-checked for understanding until she got it right.

Krista never said she was wrong or agreed with Matt. She did not admit fault. There will be time later, when Matt is calmer, for her to tell him her point of view and be validated in turn. But for now, in this conversation, she only tries to understand Matt and let him know she is listening. She repeats back what she hears in her own words, so she knows she understands him and he knows she is listening.

And that, my friends, is how the "Repeat Back" validation strategy works.

Validation

A big reason conversations turn into conflict, or conflict escalates into fights, anger, and eventually to unhealthy habits (cussing, screaming, silent treatment, storming out, sarcasm) is lack of validation. Many people don't even know what this means, and especially how to do it.

Culturally, women are more likely to validate. This is not because they are just nicer people, but because of our upbringing. Little boys are socialized to deal with conflict by getting angry and aggressive; young girls are socialized to give sympathy and verbal validations. That said, it is by no means true that men can't validate or that all women do! All women can escalate into screaming or silent treatment if the fight gets bad enough, and some aggressive women (like my mother!) rarely validate at all; they bulldoze over people in a fight. Conversely, there are some men who are natural validators. But whether you are naturally validating or not, you can learn these tricks to make validation part of your lifestyle and fighting style.

Validation doesn't mean you act like a doormat, don't tell your opinion, or pretend to agree with someone when you don't. It simply means you let the person know you hear them, you understand, and you understand why they feel that way, even if you don't agree. Notice that agreeing or telling your point of view are not necessary for validation.

When spouses disagree, it is easier to keep a fight from turning into WWIII if you both validate each other. You are essentially conveying to your partner that you may not agree with them, but that you hear their feelings and thoughts and they are important to you nonetheless.

It is when people feel attacked and misunderstood that they begin to feel hurt or use unhealthy patterns such as raised voices, sarcasm, or shutting down and leaving the room. If they feel loved and understood from the beginning, they never have to escalate to that unhappy level.

There are many ways you can show validation. Depending on your gender and personality, some will be easier for you than others. Work with the ones that come most naturally to you, and eventually work up to practicing the others. In the end, having all these validation tools in your arsenal will help you be a loving partner, even during conflict, as some of these methods work better with different people or in different situations.

Validation has many forms. You can do it with body language, conversation fillers, a "repeat back" validation strategy, or by using simple validating phrases. See more details on these below.

  1. Body Language: your body language often subconsciously communicates your emotional state to your partner. An angry, defensive, hurt, or uninterested listener will keep his body and face turned away from his partner. To communicate that you care, you are engaged, and you are listening, make your posture and expression match your partner's. If she is frowning and expressing anger, frown and look angry, too. If she leans forward in a relaxed posture, do the same. If she is propping her head on one arm and pursuing her lips, mirror her. If she sounds scared and worried, match her facial expressions. She probably won't even consciously notice you're doing this, but making your face and posture match hers will subconciously make her feel that you are listening, you care, and you are feeling her feelings.
  2. Conversation Fillers: In general, women tend to use conversation fillers naturally; many men must concentrate to do so. Using conversation fillers such as "Yeah" or "Uh-huh" assures your spouse that you hear her, are interested in what she's saying, and want her to continue. Examples of this are nodding and saying: Yeah, yes, mm-hmm, uh-huh, huh, wow!, He said that?, No way!, That's crazy!, hmmmm, mmm, okay, I see, And then what?, So what did you do?, etc. These fillers are not you trying to butt into the conversation, but encouraging her to go on, tell more, and give more details. If you are angry and don't want to talk much, even a simple, "Yes... go on... mm-hmm.... okay....mm-hmmm" will make your listener feel validated and cared for.
  3. The "Repeat Back" Strategy: This strategy simply means you repeat, rephrase, or summarize what your partner is saying. This helps you check for accuracy of understanding, as well as showing your partner you hear and understand him. For example, if he is complaining about work, rather than offering advice, you just summarize what you've understood: "So, your boss was in a bad mood, your guys showed up late, and you're frustrated because you didn't get everything done you'd planned." This gives him the chance to affirm you're correct, or to re-explain if you've misunderstood.
  4. Validating Phrases: These are words and phrases that make your spouse understand you hear him and care what he says, even if you are angry or don't agree with what he's saying. Often, I am afraid to be too validating if my partner is saying something that makes me completely angry and I totally disagree with; I don't want to encourage him too much by saying, "Yeah, totally, I understand!" These phrases can help you convey that you're listening and comprehending, without having to lie and say you agree or you aren't angry about what you're hearing.

Validation Phrases

  • Wow.
  • I'm surprised.
  • I understand.
  • Yes, I hear you.
  • Go on.
  • What else?
  • And then what?
  • Yes.
  • Sure.
  • Absolutely.
  • I'd have felt the same way.
  • I think your reaction was totally understandable.
  • If that's what you thought I said, I understand why that would have made you mad at me.
  • It makes me angry those people treated you that way!
  • I'm angry/mad/hurt/sad/happy, too.
  • That makes sense.
  • Ok, I get what you're saying.
  • I see.
  • I understand how you could see it that way.
  • Understandable.
  • You have the right to feel that way.
  • You have a right to think that way.
  • Your feelings aren't wrong, they're just your feelings.
  • Mmm, yes, I see how you could have thought that.

No matter what, partners need validation. You are part of a couple, and that means you are that person's #1 source of support, comfort, and validation. He needs to feel loved and understood, even when you don't agree. And if you do happen to agree, tell him! Nothing makes me feel better than when I am angry or hurt something, and my partner chimes in with, "I would have totally felt the same way!" or "That makes me angry, too, just thinking about it!" It makes me feel loved and accepted in the story I'm telling, and more likely to tell more stories in the future.

Lack of validation blocks communication. If your partner feels you are a bad listener, eventually he will stop trying to talk to you. It doesn't matter if you are watching tv and tuning him out, or just telling him he's wrong because you're angry-- if you're not validating him, he's going to either blow up at you or retreat and stop talking. Neither is a positive option.

No matter how you feel, you can put your own emotions and need to be right aside for a moment, to listen and validate your partner. Hopefully, she can then do the same for you. But even if only one person does this, it will make conversations and conflict go much smoother.

Remember, practice, practice, practice! The more you practice validation, the easier it will become... and eventually, the happier you will both be.

December 14, 2008

Writing Away Relationship Issues

One great way to help diffuse tension and keep conflict from escalating into a huge fight is to write a letter to your spouse. This helps you take time to reflect, think clearly about what you want to say, and keep the message free from sarcasm and insults. It gives your spouse a chance to read your concerns in a safe, non-threatening way, with no tones or hidden insults from your voice. Often, this can help both of you deal with the problem better.

This five-step letter is a great way to make sure your letter is helpful and uses constructive criticism, things that will help you relationship improve and not hurt it.

  • Part 1: Begin with telling your spouse how much you love him and why. List several good things about him that you truly appreciate. Make them real compliments; he will be able to tell if they are fake.
  • Part 2: Once you have affirmed your love, move on to your concern. State, in as clear, concise, and non-judgmental way as possible, the specific action you are upset by. Do not give a list of actions, but stick to one specific event. Give specific examples, such as "I am upset because your mother was rude to me at dinner last night," not general ones like, "Your mother is just so rude!"
  • Part 3: State your feelings about the subject. Use "I statements" and take responsibility for your own emotions. Your feelings are your own, no one else's fault or responsibility to fix; the point here is only to communicate your emotions. A good example is, "I feel hurt because you did not defend me. I'd hoped you would take my side, and I feel rejected and betrayed that you stayed silent."
  • Part 4: Clearly state your needs (a way that your spouse could fix this). This is not you telling him what to do, but offering him a suggestion for how to fix it if he decides he wants to. It is up to him to decide. Try something like, "I would really like it if you could call your mother and discuss her behavior. I would feel so happy and loved if you stood up for me so she knows I am first in your life and you will not tolerate rudeness to me." If there is nothing that needs to be done to fix the situation, but your letter is only to air out feelings, tell him so.
  • Part 5: End by reiterating all the good things about your relationship and all the reasons you love him. If he has shown improvement in an area, point it out and tell him you appreciate it. End with making him feel valued and loved.

You may notice the letter begins and ends with positivity. This makes an angry, defensive response less likely. Also notice that parts 2-4 provide clear communication about your desires: the specific action that upset you, your feelings about it, and how you would like the situation to be addressed.

This letter format will work for either sex. If both of you are angry at the same time, and a verbal argument is going nowhere, it might be helpful to call a break and both take a time-out to write this five-step letter. Then switch letters and read. If you feel calm enough, you can verbally discuss the letters; if not, you may both choose to write a response. Any further letters should also follow the five-step format.

Of course, if writing is not your style, this five-step communication model will work perfectly well for an oral argument, as well. Think through your thoughts, and then ask your spouse to listen for a while. Begin by reassuring her your love her and naming things you love. Then tell her what upset you, how this made you feel, and what you would like her to do about it. Finish by telling her again how much you love her and all the things you appreciate about her and your relationship.

The positive of this model is it provides couples with a way to air out conflicts in a positive, constructive manner. You focus on the good things in your relationship and on finding a solution, not on laying blame. Both partners leave feeling happier and less defensive. Everyone wins!

To view examples of this model, click here.

Five-Step Communication Model Examples

Written Letter #1

Dear John,
First, I want to say how much I love and appreciate you. I am sorry I was angry and snappy on the car ride home today. I know you had put effort into taking me out to a nice dinner, and wanted to do something nice for me. Thank you, that meant a lot to me. You are a good husband and provider, and I know how much you love me.

The reason I was so angry in the car was a comment you made over dinner. You may not even have meant it, but when I was talking to you about how upset I am over my boss's attitude toward me, you just shrugged and said, "Can't we enjoy a nice dinner for once?"

I am sure you did not mean to hurt me, and just wanted to enjoy your time with me. I appreciate that you got a babysitter for the kids and took me out, just us. But when you said that, I felt very hurt. I had been looking forward to talking to you about this problem and getting sympathy and advice from you. I felt like you just blew me off, and I felt hurt and rejected.

If you did not mean to hurt me, please just tell me. I understand you were maybe not trying to offend me. I would just really like for you to hug me, tell me you love me, and apologize for hurting me today. I still would really like the chance to tell you about my boss and have you hold me, listen to me, and just make me feel better.

Once again, I'm sorry for being rude in the car. I know you love me very much and you are usually so good at making me feel listened to and cared for. I love getting to go out to dinners with you alone, just us, and spend time with you. I love you!

Lizzie

Written Letter #2

Margie,
You know you are a wonderful wife and how much you mean to me. I don't know what I'd do without you. You are still as pretty and sweet to me as the day we met. It bugs me when I come home from a hard day's work and the house is not cleaned. I know you work hard, but when I get home, I want to relax with you. I feel stressed and angry when nothing is clean. We have to clean the house instead of relaxing. I would really like it if you could come home from your mom's a little earlier and clean a little, even just tidying up and vacuuming. Like I said, I love you, and you are such a sweet wife to me! I just want to enjoy our evenings together in peace. Yours,
Rick

Spoken Conversation #1:
Alice: I feel like this fight is getting out of hand. Can I have a minute?
Doug: Sure, whatever.
Alice: Ok, I want to say this, so please just listen, okay?
Doug:I'm listening.
Alice: I want to say I'm sorry for the way this fight turned out. I didn't mean to attack you. I don't really think you are selfish and I do love you. I know we have a good relationship and we are both willing to work on it. But when we fight, it really hurts my feelings when you raise your voice and get sarcastic with me. I feel hurt, and like you think I'm stupid.
Doug: But--
Alice: Please let me finish. I know you may not mean to, and you are just angry, but it hurts my feelings. If you are mad at me, I would rather you just take a break, go take a walk or watch tv or whatever for a while. Then, when you are calmer, we can come back and discuss it. I want to work things out with you, but I'd rather do it when we are both calm and not attacking each other.
Doug:But you never listen to me when we're fighting.
Alice: I know you feel that way. I'm sorry. I think it would help if you took a break, and were calmer, so I could listen to you easier without feeling defensive. You know?
Doug: Okay.
Alice: Because I love you. You usually treat me so well, and I hate feeling distant. I think this would help both of us feel better. Okay?
Doug: Okay.

December 13, 2008

Quality Time for Couples

Quality time is one of the most important aspects of maintaining a healthy, functioning relationship. In today's world of hectic schedules and demanding jobs, it can be difficult to find time in your day for quality time. This is especially true if you have other outside activities or children! But it is worth it to carve time out of each day to be together, no matter how difficult it may seem.

Distance makes two people drift apart, becoming roommate rather than friends and lovers; many couples someday wake up and find they don't know their partners anymore. Changing as a person is inevitable, and it is up to you and your partner to make sure that you spend enough time talking, sharing, and being together to make sure when you change and grow as a person, you change and grow together.

Many couples have a hard time fitting alone time in to their schedules because they have demanding jobs, hobbies, school schedules, or dependent children. While all these are valid pursuits, you need to be careful to balance your life so all these come after your relationship.

1. Jobs. Many people neglect quality time with a spouse to get ahead at work. Often this is because they truly enjoy it, because a boss demands it, or because the couple has decided financial stability is a priority for them right now. While jobs are important, I have issues with spending more time at work than at home: if you truly enjoy it, I ask you: is it worth losing your partner over? If a boss demands it, consider quitting and finding a less demanding job. Your relationships with people have eternal worth; your career on earth does not. If finances drive you, consider a smaller apartment, owning just one car, or saving coupons; again, money has no eternal value, but love does.

One man loved his job and got great personal fulfillment from working hard each day and bringing home nice things to his wife and children. However, his wife eventually felt so distant from him that she could no longer appreciate his work and his dedication to his career became a selfish desire, rather than for her. When a counselor finally said, "You have to chose. Do you want to succeed at your job alone, or do you want to succeed at your job with your wife by your side?" this husband made a very wise decision: he booked his wife in every day as one of his clients! He normally saw 8 clients a day, so he cut down to 7 and no matter what, did not cancel or reschedule his daily "appointment" with her at the end of his day! In the end, they had a happier marriage and he got to enjoy his job!

If you don't get to make your own schedule, consider taking off one day each month to have a long weekend with your spouse, no interruptions. Or try to do lunch dates with each other once a week, while still maintaining your work schedules. Or take a "mental health day" and put your sick leave to good use!

2. Hobbies. While your hobbies are important to you as an individual, they should never come before work, children, or relationships. If your hobbies are taking away time from your spouse, it's time to cut back! Go to the gym less, play one sport instead of two, or go out with the girls every three months instead of every month. If possible, try to do your hobbies together! You don't have to spend every moment together talking; just reading together, going to the gym, or taking a class together can be great quality time.

3. School schedules. This is often a problem for younger relationships. If you are still in school, make sure you don't get so caught up in graduating that you forget your most important grade: your relationships. Consider taking one fewer class per semester, keeping intersession and summers free from classes, taking a class together, or just skipping a class now and then to be together.

4. Children. This can be tricky, since children are one of the most important things in life. In fact, if you aren't married, your children should come before your partner! However, if you are in a Christian marriage, nothing on earth comes before your marriage, including your children. Many people have trouble with this, but the fact is, children are given to us for a time, but your spouse is forever. You are one flesh with your spouse, one in the eyes of God. It is better for you and healthier for your children if your marriage comes first. One of the best gifts you can give your children is to have a happy marriage!

Try to get a babysitter and go out for adult time once a week. If schedules or finances don't allow for this, try to take off work sometimes and have the house to yourself when the kids aren't home.

Another great idea is to set good boundaries with your children. Once both spouses return home from work, it is a great idea to have some family time and get to ask your kids about their days. However, set a structured time, at the same time each day, when the kids know not to interrupt or bother you unless there is an emergency. With infants, this will often be once they go to bed, but with small children they can play safely in their rooms for an hour. Older children can spend the time doing homework or chores. Once they are old enough, they can be in charge of preparing dinner or setting the table while you two seclude yourselves in the bedroom. This hour can be invaluable for you as a couple to re-connect, talk about your days, and get some needed "adult" time. Many partners look forward to this time, knowing they will get a break from their hectic lives and spend a quiet hour, asking about each other's days and venting about problems going on in their lives! It is a wonderful feeling to know that soon, everything will be okay because you will be with someone who cares for you and is 100% on your side.

Of course, if you don't yet have children or stresses from jobs, hobbies, or school, getting quality time is going to be a little easier for you. Make sure you don't get complacent and take it for granted, but make an effort to keep having quality time together whenever possible.

Remember, at the end of this life, you will be judged on how you treated the people around you and how well and hard you loved-- not how much money was in the bank, what job you had, or which hobbies you pursued.

The Four Temperaments in Christian Relationships

The four temperaments are choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic, and sanguine. Although they can be found on the net under knock-off names such as colors, elements, and animals, the original theory came far before the time of Christ, in Aristotle's time. Tim and Beverly LaHaye have written several famous and yet highly controversial books on the subject, including The Spirit-Controlled Person and The Spirit-Controlled Woman. Although some Christians reject the idea of applying pagan psychology to Christianity, I believe an understanding of who we are and how we work can help us better understand ourselves and our partners.

In any relationship, the point is to provide a loving, secure environment for both people, to be a beacon of God's love to the outside world, and to draw each other closer to God. To do this, you need to understand yourself and your partner as God made you, your natural strengths and weaknesses, and how you can best help each other grow to be the best version of yourselves.

Click below to view a more complete description of each personality:

Of course, most of us are some mix of these four personalities. I, for example, am about 99% melancholic. In fact, I'm so strongly melancholic that I find it hard to even determine my secondary temperament. However, it is rare for any one person to be so predominately one temperament. Most of us are a mix of our dominant and secondary temperaments. For example, my partner is a choleric, but a much milder form of choleric than many (thank goodness!); I'd say he is about 60% choleric and 40% phlegmatic, which means his two temperaments balance each other out quite well. Therefore, you may see parts of yourself in two, three, or even all four of the temperaments; this is normal.

To find more about this subject, I suggest you read the LaHayes' books on temperament. Also, the following are sources I used to write these articles:
  1. Dictionary. com at www.Dictionary.com
  2. The Four Temperaments at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Temperaments
  3. Personalities and Temperaments at http://www.oneishy.com/personality/index.php
  4. The Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Beverly LaHaye

Phlegmatic

The phlegmatic (pronounced "fleg-mat-ik") temperament is one of the two introverted ones. Laid back and easygoing, this personality is able to go with the flow without getting her feathers ruffled. Dictionary.com says phegmatic means "calm, sluggish temperament; unemotional."

Phlegmatics are good to have on any team because they are natural peacekeepers. They simply don't get riled up about nothing, and prefer to stay cool and collected in an argument. They are often happy with where they are in life, naturally content, and kind and witty friends.

Phlegmatics have many friends, and are great at keeping the peace and playing the mediator when conflicts do arise. They are dependable and trustworthy, and often are keen people-watchers with kind hearts and deep compassion.

On the other hand, the same detachment that makes phlegmatics laid back and stable can also make them stubborn, resistant to change, and seem uncaring, unemotional, or passive. They can sometimes be lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to get things done.

Although they rarely fight, phlegmatics can still be quite stubborn, remaining silent but steadfast in their opinion. Other temperaments in a relationship with phlegmatics may be infuriated by the phlegmatic's lack of emotion or response in a fight. I know one woman, a wonderful extrovert with quite the temper, who used to follow her husband around the house, screaming, "Fine! Don't fight with me! I'll just have the fight for both of us!"

Although they are laid back and easygoing, phlegmatics don't change quickly, and can be hard to "get moving"! They sometimes have to be nagged to get anything done, which they resent. In any highly charged emotional situation, when the other temperaments charge right in, the phlegmatic will hover back, watching and feeling slightly smug and superior, refusing to get emotionally involved and staying detached from the scene.

The phlegmatic's natural introversion will be drawn to a choleric and sanguine's people skills. An emotional and bubbly sanguine will attract the more reserved phlegmatic. A choleric's sense of direction, purposefulness, and leadership skills will balance out a phlegmatic's passive, indecisive side, and a melancholic's deep emotional involvement with others can teach the phlegmatic some important lessons.

Melancholic

Melancholics are the thinkers, ponderers, and dreamers of the world. Often reserved and quiet, they enjoy being alone in their mental worlds of wonder and beauty. They make good philosophers, artists, musicians, and writers.

Dictionary.com says melancholics (pronounced mehl-an-kol-ics) are "gloomy and blue." This is true, as this type is more likely than any other to get so wrapped up in philosophy and deep thought that they become gloomy, mopey, and depressed.

Melancholics are often very kind and have big hearts for other people. They are sensitive, both for themselves and for others, and hate to see suffering in the world. On the other hand, they can also be quite wrapped up in their own "reality" to where they don't really see anything else.

Like the cholerics, melancholics are very structured and are perfectionistic. If they do something, they want to do it well. They stick to their endeavors--unless of course they get so discouraged and depressed they just give up! Teachers and bosses love melancholics, as these quiet, driven people will work tirelessly and usually exceed other's standards; on the other hand, this same perfectionism can be a curse, as they are never happy with their own or anyone else's work, and are often quite snippy and critical of others.

Melancholics do well with structure: lists, graphs, and clearly set expectations are where they function best. Disorganization is just likely to stress a melancholic out so much they can't get anything done. They don't make natural leaders like the choleric, because they tend to rely on themselves to get anything done and are not "people" people. Cholerics motivate others to succeed; melancholics criticize them and just do the job themselves. However, their organizational skills and creative minds make them good second-in-commands, and they like positions where they can be creative planners without the stress of directing others.

Of course, all this pondering and internal analysis can be great, but melancholics tend to go overboard with it, too. They can over-analyze and over-think anything, to the point they just wind up depressed and don't get anything done. They tend to be overly critical of themselves, not resting even after a job well done. They can also be terribly critical of others, especially their spouses and children, and never be happy with what is offered. They have deep, loving, and very sacrificial relationships with the few people they learn to trust and let into their "private circle," but they can also sulk over wrongs, internalize anger, become bitter and resentful, and play the martyr.

If you can learn to look past the criticisms and barbs inherent in a relationship with a melancholic, you will have a dedicated, loyal, and sacrificial friend for life. Melancholics are suspicious of people, and if you make it to their inner circle, they will give up everything for you, even while expecting the world of you.

Like the other personalities, melancholics in a loving, strong Christian relationship will be drawn to personalities that complement them. The choleric and sanguine's natural extroversion and people skills balance out the melancholic's antisocial tendencies. A choleric and melancholic together will both be very drawn to each other's organizational skills and dedication, and will achieve great things together--provided they not get caught up in being critical and blaming each other! A sanguine's naturally happy, cheerful disposition can lighten the melancholic's periods of depression, and a phlegmatic's laid-back disposition can help a melancholic not take life so seriously.

Of course, the more of his life a melancholic has given over to God, the more prominent his good qualities will be and the less prominent his bad ones will be. Melancholics make good humanitarians and activists, where they work tirelessly to make the world a better place and end suffering, if their natural depression and criticism don't overcome their naturally sensitive, loving hearts. They hate to see people suffer, and work to bring art and beauty into the world.

Sanguine

Of the two extroverted personality types, Sanguine (pronounced sang-gwin)is the one who is most likely to be dancing, partying, laughing, and overall having a good time! These people are best friends with everyone, and love to have fun and enjoy themselves.

Dictionary.com says sanguines are cheerful, optimistic, and confident. The root of the word comes from the Latin word for bloody or rosy.

Sanguines are often loved for their sunny, cherry dispositions and spontaneity. These people love to host parties, meet new people, and shine in the spotlight of attention!

Of course, there is a negative side of this personality, too. Sanguines can be wrapped up into themselves, self-absorbed, and flighty. They are so busy being happy and cheerful they are often neglectful of other, less-fun-but-still-important activities such as getting work and cleaning done on time. They can be unreliable, and sometimes you have to push or nag them for them to get anything done.

Sanguines are also very emotional, which can be both good and bad. Even in bad times, family members can count on them to see the positive side and remain happy! However, they can change moods quickly, getting angry easily and blowing up at those around them. However, they usually get over these outburst quickly (unlike cholerics and melancholics!) and go right back to normal once they have finished complaining.

They are often great storytellers and the life of the party. Of course, they also tend to complain, exaggerate stories, and whine. They are very disorganized and life can be in perpetual chaos around a sanguine! Other types may think the sanguine is just "too happy" and comes across as fake if they are not careful.

This happy-go-lucky temperament is usually a joy to be around. In a relationship, introverted melancholics and phlegmatics will be drawn to the sanguine's happy, bubbly, outgoing nature. The very organized and structured melancholic and choleric will both complement the sanguine's disorganized, wild side, but they may get annoyed and impatient with the sanguine's lack of discipline.

Of course, as with all temperaments, the more mature and Christ-centered a sanguine is, the more God will enhance their positive characteristics and decrease their negative ones. A sanguine is a loving, emotional being who can bring joy and sunlight into the lives of others.
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."