How to Deal with Your Anger

You probably don't consider yourself an angry person. But do you find yourself often apologizing to your spouse for something you've said during a fight?

Do you get so angry sometimes that you say or do mean, hurtful things you are later ashamed of? Do you forget that you love your spouse when you are angry at him? Does your spouse ever mention that you have a temper or that you seem like a different person during arguments? Do you get irritated with your coworkers, children, or friends for small reasons? Do you find your blood pumping and heart racing when someone cuts you off in traffic or cuts in line at the grocery store?


Anger is a healthy emotion we all feel. Anger warns us when something important to us--ourselves, our families, or our ideals--are threatened by an outside force. It motivates us to stand up and fight for what is important to us.

But anger is often misused. Many people simply don't know tips for healthy fighting. They use anger as a weapon or an excuse for hateful behavior. Many of us get angry for small reasons. If you are often angry and tense (typically called a "Type A" personality), you are at risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, organ damage, lowered immune system, and early death. You also risk losing friends and loved ones, damaging relationships, and wounding your spouse and children for years to come. What you say in a moment of anger may haunt your loved one for the rest of his life.

I have been researching this because of a recent fight with my partner. We've both noticed patterns in his behavior; he is normally laid back and loving, but when he gets frightened or angry, he goes from a 1 to a 10 and becomes an entirely different person. He leaves the fight feeling guilty and terrible and I leave feeling hurt and bewildered. I have much experience with "angry people"--from my mother and brother to many past relationships. These people are not fun to be around, explode at any moment, and say hurtful things that I carry still, years later. Coming from people who are supposed to love me, it wounds me even more.

I am not completely innocent of angry outbursts, of course. None of us is! Even though I am a fairly passive person (I tend to get hurt and depressed more than angry), I've still struggled with my anger. When I get furious, it is easy to slip into sarcasm, insults, and blaming. Many of us also go through periods in our lives when struggle with our tempers more. I once was in a one-year relationship with an incredibly volatile, angry man. Eventually, my emotions became so raw and bloodied, and I was so constantly on edge around him, that I lost control of my temper, too. I would scream and insult back. I started exhibiting characteristics totally unlike me; I became defensive, angry, and prone to outbursts. I screamed at him or sobbed unconsolably at the slightest provocation. I threw things and tried to hit or hurt him. In such an angry, abusive environment, I became the worst version of myself.

So no one is completely innocent of misusing our anger. We all could use some help managing it and keeping it healthy and constructive. What are some ways you can do this?

First, try a time out. It is best to do some physical activity when you feel enraged; this gets rid of your pent-up adrenaline. Go take a walk, work out at the gym, or jog around the block. If this isn't your style, doing something relaxing: read a book, journal your feelings, do some yoga, pray or meditate, or take a hot shower.

Second, relax yourself. When you get angry, your heart rate starts to go up and you begin to take shallow, rapid breaths that only reach your upper chest. This just makes you feel angrier! Take slow, deep breaths. Lie flat on your back and place one hand on your stomach and one on your chest. Practice breathing so that the hand on your stomach rises and falls, but the one on your chest never moves. This is the deep breathing you need to do when you are angry.

Third, recognize your anger continuum. No one goes from a 1 to a 10 without stopping. There are some middle numbers in there, but you just may be shooting through them so fast you don't realize it! When you begin to get frustrated, make a mental note ("I'm at a 2") or share it with your partner. When you start to get genuinely angry, warn your partner, "I feel like a 6, I need to take a break," or just pay attention to your emotional level so you are more aware of your feelings and can control them better.

Next, be aware of your "angry thinking." Angry thinking tends to be less rational than when you are relaxed. Your thoughts and feelings when angry probably tend to be accusatory, blaming, and judgmental. You are probably operating under a "guilty until proven innocent" system without even realizing it. Any things you say under the influence of anger are probably going to be nasty, sarcastic, hateful, and unfair. You need to realize your feelings right now are not based on logic. There is about a 99% chance you are jumping to conclusions based on incomplete information. Stop, slow down, and remind yourself that while "angry thinking," your perceptions can't be trusted. Your mind is telling you one thing is true, but it is lying to you. Remember why you love your partner. Remind yourself that no matter how you feel, people under "angry think" are operating with incomplete information and irrational emotions. You should not jump to conclusions or make any judgments right now. Calm down, and when you are ready, tell your partner you realize you probably don't have all the correct information yet, and ask her to fill you in. Listen with an open mind, and make sure you keep an "innocent until proven guilty" mindset.

One great idea is to do an anger log. This is because our anger has assumptions we don't even realize. We feel "angry." But what makes anger? It is a negative emotion, plus the feeling of being purposefully wronged. We often do not even realize we are making this assumption, which is why an anger log can help. I myself used one for several weeks and was amazed at the subconcious assumptions I'd been making without even realizing it.

What does it mean to be purposefully wronged? Well, we don't feel angry if someone hurt us by accident. We may feel physical pain, or emotionally hurt, but if we see it was completely unintentional, we will probably forgive the person anyway. When a stranger accidentally steps on your toe, then looks up in surprise and gasps, "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry; I didn't see you there!" are we angry? No. Even if our toe hurts, we probably smile kindly and say, "No problem; it was an accident." It is only when we secretly feel we have been purposefully wronged that we get angry.

Make four columns on a piece of paper. Label them "Trigger," "Emotion," "How I've Been Purposefully Wronged," and "My Reaction." Think of a few times you've been angry recently. Break down the emotions and you will begin to see patterns: what things often trigger your anger? What subconscious assumptions were you making about the person's intent to hurt or wrong you? How did you react?

Some examples might look like this:

• Billy had painted all over the wall when I got home (trigger)! I felt horrified and sad (emotion) and got furious because he should know better (purposefully wronged). I screamed at him and sent him to his room (reaction.)


• Adam went out with his friends when I wanted to spend time together (trigger). I felt rejected and jealous (emotion) that he did not care about me and put other things first. That is so selfish (purposefully wronged). I gave him the silent treatment all night when he got home (reaction).


• Some jerk cut me off in traffic (trigger)! I was so stressed (emotion) because I was already late for work. Why does that jerk think his destination is more important than mine (purposefully wronged)?! I honked, flipped him the bird, and passed by him too fast and realy close (reaction).

Eventually, you will find patterns; certain triggers that often make you angry, for example. You can share these with your partner, and together work to avoid these. It is possible you are getting angry at minor triggers, or that your partner is triggering you without even realizing it.

The most important thing you can learn from an anger log is your underlying assumptions about how this person wronged you, took something from you, or encroached on your boundaries. Combined with our negative emotions, that is what makes us feel anger. Often we subconsciously make assumptions about that person's intent that, once recognized, we see are probably totally false! Billy didn't paint on the wall to make more work for his mom or to ruin her day, but because children want to make art. Adam didn't hang out with his buddies to hurt his wife or because he is a selfish jerk who always puts himself first. Once she realizes she has made this assumption, she will probably recognize it as false, remember he is a loving husband, and come to the next logical conclusion: he went out with the guys to relax and have some guy time, not to hurt her. Now she no longer feels threatened or wronged, and her anger has been avoided.

The final suggestion I have is to make an anger contract. Pick a few goals (3 to 5). Make them specific; "I'm going to fight less" is not measurable, but "I'm going to stop raising my voice at my wife" is. Write your goals out, date it, and sign it in ink. Post it somewhere you can see it. If you like, have a friend or your spouse witness it for you and sign as well, to help keep you accountable. Then set a date for the end of the contract (a few days to a week). Decide upon a reward for yourself if you meet all your goals. At the end of the time, you and your witness should review your contract. Can you see improvement? Did you meet your goals?

If you have met some goals, great! Make a new contract. You can re-do goals that still need work or improvement, and add new ones to replace the areas you've succeeded in. Set a new date and start the whole process again. Each time you succeed, reward yourself. Make the next contract for a longer period of time, if you wish. This way, you are slowly training yourself to handle your anger and have your needs met, while still treating your spouse with the love and respect he deserves, even when you are angry.

Remember, we are to "be angry but do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26). There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, but God warns us we are still to treat His precious people with the love and respect He himself would show them! We are to say "only what is helpful for building others up" (Ephesians 4:29). Before you snap at your spouse, ask yourself, "Would I say this aloud if Jesus were standing right here in the room, holding my spouse's hand?" If the answer is no, don't say it! Read Ephesians 4 and the book of James for more help in dealing with anger and conflict.

For a fantastic document giving all the info you could ever want to know about anger management, go to Mental Help: Anger Management.

Also see Anger Management Tips.

Writing Away Relationship Issues

One great way to help diffuse tension and keep conflict from escalating into a huge fight is to write a letter to your spouse. This helps you take time to reflect, think clearly about what you want to say, and keep the message free from sarcasm and insults. It gives your spouse a chance to read your concerns in a safe, non-threatening way, with no tones or hidden insults from your voice. Often, this can help both of you deal with the problem better.

This five-step letter is a great way to make sure your letter is helpful and uses constructive criticism, things that will help you relationship improve and not hurt it.

• Part 1: Begin with telling your spouse how much you love him and why. List several good things about him that you truly appreciate. Make them real compliments; he will be able to tell if they are fake.
• Part 2: Once you have affirmed your love, move on to your concern. State, in as clear, concise, and non-judgmental way as possible, the specific action you are upset by. Do not give a list of actions, but stick to one specific event. Give specific examples, such as "I am upset because your mother was rude to me at dinner last night," not general ones like, "Your mother is just so rude!"
• Part 3: State your feelings about the subject. Use "I statements" and take responsibility for your own emotions. Your feelings are your own, no one else's fault or responsibility to fix; the point here is only to communicate your emotions. A good example is, "I feel hurt because you did not defend me. I'd hoped you would take my side, and I feel rejected and betrayed that you stayed silent."
• Part 4: Clearly state your needs (a way that your spouse could fix this). This is not you telling him what to do, but offering him a suggestion for how to fix it if he decides he wants to. It is up to him to decide. Try something like, "I would really like it if you could call your mother and discuss her behavior. I would feel so happy and loved if you stood up for me so she knows I am first in your life and you will not tolerate rudeness to me." If there is nothing that needs to be done to fix the situation, but your letter is only to air out feelings, tell him so.
• Part 5: End by reiterating all the good things about your relationship and all the reasons you love him. If he has shown improvement in an area, point it out and tell him you appreciate it. End with making him feel valued and loved.

You may notice the letter begins and ends with positivity. This makes an angry, defensive response less likely. Also notice that parts 2-4 provide clear communication about your desires: the specific action that upset you, your feelings about it, and how you would like the situation to be addressed.

This letter format will work for either sex. If both of you are angry at the same time, and a verbal argument is going nowhere, it might be helpful to call a break and both take a time-out to write this five-step letter. Then switch letters and read. If you feel calm enough, you can verbally discuss the letters; if not, you may both choose to write a response. Any further letters should also follow the five-step format.

Of course, if writing is not your style, this five-step communication model will work perfectly well for an oral argument, as well. Think through your thoughts, and then ask your spouse to listen for a while. Begin by reassuring her your love her and naming things you love. Then tell her what upset you, how this made you feel, and what you would like her to do about it. Finish by telling her again how much you love her and all the things you appreciate about her and your relationship.

The positive of this model is it provides couples with a way to air out conflicts in a positive, constructive manner. You focus on the good things in your relationship and on finding a solution, not on laying blame. Both partners leave feeling happier and less defensive. Everyone wins!

To view examples of this model, click here.

Taking Breaks from Fighting

Sometimes the best thing you can do during conflict is to take a break til both of you are calmed down. Whether you want to do something alone or together to calm down so you can resume resolving the conflict in a calmer, more productive way, here are some tips on taking breaks:

Taking a Break Alone

Not surprisingly, most people like to take breaks alone. This gives you the chance to get away from your partner and the source of your unhappiness, clear your head, and get calmed down. Make sure that you don't just storm out, but calmly tell your partner you love them but need some space, what you will be doing, and agree on a time to meet again and try to resolve the conflict again. Remember, breaks are always consenual, and there is always a set time to return and try again.

Here are some suggestions for things you and your partner can doing during breaks:

• pray
• listen to music
• go for a walk
• call a friend
• cry
• take a hot shower or bubble bath
• read your Bible
• read a book
• get a massage
• go shopping
• go to the gym and burn off steam
• clean
• have a drink with friends
• sit at a park and watch children play
• journal about your feelings
• relaxation techniques, such as Yoga or deep breathing exercises
• visualizing the things you love about your partner and how to arrive at a positive resolution

Taking a Break Together
This isn't as common, but some people don't like to be alone during fights because it just makes the tension, insecurity, and worry get worse. Some people feel very needy and clingy during conflict, because they are afraid if their partner is angry she won't love them anymore, or he is going to leave forever. And these feelings are okay, too! If this is what you or your partner feels, taking a break together is an option. This often means you don't talk, but just agree to sit silently or engage in another activity together. You agree to put the fight aside for a while, so you can both calm down. One advantage of taking a break together is that, if you can manage to start another activity together and both have fun without fuming and being nasty, it can help you remember how much fun you have together and that you love each other!

Of course, it is often difficult to go straight from a screaming/blaming match to peaceful activities together, so sometimes it is best to try taking a break alone for a while, then taking a break together later. If you still can't handle it without feeling angry and bitter, go back to taking a break alone til you've calmed down.

Here are some suggestions for taking a break together:

• sit in silence, not touching, just alone with your thoughts while you each calm down. Don't talk to you're both ready.
• write a letter to each other about how you feel, then switch and read them.
• clean the house together--you get lots done when you're angry!
• watch a movie or put on some music you both enjoy
• try to remember the best, funniest, or most romantic memory you have together
• agree to talk only about the good in your relationship, and what you both enjoy about the other
• read the Bible or pray together
• make love
• go for a walk in the park
• give each other a massage to help calm down and relax
• play cards, or find a board game, computer game, or video game that makes you laugh together
• remember the worst fight you ever had and talk about how you got over it and how great it felt afterward
• go to the pound and play with the baby kitties and puppies. This makes everyone feel better! :)

Of course, remember to respect your partner, and don't try and force them into anything they don't feel comfortable with; this will just make them more angry!!! I know that when I am feeling furious and hurt, I cannot handle doing something so intimate as praying together, making love, or reading the Bible together, and trying to force your partner into it just makes you look like a controlling jerk. Agree on activities together and try to focus on laughing and having fun again!

When Fights Go Too Far

Fighting and conflict aren't bad for a relationship. In fact, they are often helpful. They help the relationship grow by giving you the opportunity to face problems, difficulties, and differences. When you successfully get past conflict, you often find your relationship is in a newer, better place.

So fighting is often healthy and good for a relationship. Great. But let's face it, it's still not fun. No one likes to be angry, and no one likes to be in the middle of a huge fight. Often, our emotions get in the way and we find ourselves saying things we regret later. It's hard to remember to fight fair when you are so furious you can't see straight.

So what should you do when fights go too far?

First, as soon as you notice that you or your partner is totally gone into Fury Land, and is too angry/hurt/furious/sad/sobbing/panicked to talk, you should stop the fight. This doesn't mean sweep it under the rug and ignore the problem, but just take a small break to comfort each other or to have some alone time: whatever works.

Lots of people do better with a break or some alone time. Tell your partner you need some space, where you're going, that you still love them, and when you'll be back to re-start the discussion. Then do whatever you need to calm down. Talk to God, pray, go to the gym and work off some energy, call a trusted friend, whatever.

Of course, taking a break won't do a bit of good if you spend the time fuming and re-hashing all the terrible things your partner said while you're apart. The point is not to fume and get yourself more worked up, but to calm down. Try to breathe deeply and remember the good things your partner does. Remind yourself how much you love each other and how committed you are to making it work. If you can't do that yet, that's finel; just do something to get your mind off the fight entirely.

Also, don't hurry back from a break. Many studies show that people say they feel calmer after a 10-minute break, but what do the studies show? You guessed it: their blood pressure is still pumping way off the charts! If you go back into the area right now, you are just going to get mad again. Wait at least half an hour, more if you need it, before heading back in.

Some people don't like to take breaks. Some would rather buckle down and get it worked out now. I tend to be like that. I've also noticed that, during fights, I sometimes get so worried and needy that a break is just going to make me freak out more and fear I've been abandoned forever.

What do you do in situations like that?

Well, if your partner gets needy and clingy during breaks, you should reassure them. Those of us from broken or abusive homes often equate anger with impending abandonment. We need you to reassure us that you are angry, but not leaving forever! Sometimes, agreeing to sit quietly together, but not talk or argue, is enough. I feel better knowing my partner is in the room with me, not leaving me forever, as we both breathe and try to calm down.

It also really helps me if he can put aside his anger to comfort me. He is still angry, but he can calm down enough to talk softly to me, hold me, and stroke my hair. This is good for both of us: suddenly, I am curled up in his arms, crying, and he is the protector, strong and loving. We suddenly lose our "angry, pissed-off bad guy" personnaes and remember we love each other. Tearful apologies and laughter at how stupid we were being often follow. Then we can hold each other and work the conflict out for real, feeling happy and in love again. Like I said, conflict doesn't have to be bad!

If you have a partner who suffers from mental disorders like anxiety, depression, panic disorder, or something similar, you have to be really careful when fights go too far. Some people will just shut down completely because they can't handle the conflict. Understanding where your partner is coming from (an abusive mother, depressive disorder, deep hurts from a past lover) can really help you be loving and supportive for them now, even though you are still angry. Remember, your job is to be loving first, angry second. Just because you're mad doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk; it is perfectly acceptable to hold your partner while explaining to them why you feel so frustrated with them.

A perfect example from my experience is panic attacks. During a fight, I get so stressed out that my heart and head start to pound, I feel weak, I start to hyperventilate, and I can't breathe. Needless to say, if your partner exhibits these symptoms this is no time to keep yelling or berating them. The thing that helps me most is when my partner can put aside his anger and make sure I am physically safe--continuing to fight just makes it worse!!! If he can calm down, approach me quietly, and speak to me soothingly, I will eventually calm down. A good tip for someone panicking is to have them drink water, lie flat and breathe deeply with them, or bring them a soda or snack to elevate blood sugar (because a panicking body burns through energy fast!).

Other people may close off completely; this is called shutting down. Sometimes they will physically leave the room, and others they will just emotionally check out, going to a "safe place" in their head. If your partner does this, further attacks will just make it worse. Calm down, approach them slowly and calmly, and gently ask what is wrong. Try to calm them down. The only reason people go into their shells during fights is because they don't feel safe. Whether they are insecure or you weren't fighting fair, you need to tone it down a notch and make them feel safe with you. When we fight, we never want to become the stuff of nightmares: bellowing, gesturing, intimidating, screaming and throwing things, or attacking our loved ones. This is not how loving people fight! Make sure your partner knows he is loved, and then you can calmly and fairly work through the conflict.

A third option is that some people will lose control. Depending on their personality, this may manifest by screaming and yelling, or by uncontrollable crying. Either way, a screaming or crying person is never a happy person. You need to pause the fight until you can get them calmed down. Showing strong emotions like that is just your partner's way of signaling to you that they are very, very, very unhappy! Don't take it personally, but understand they are frantically trying to convey to you how miserable they are.

If they are screaming, calmly ask them to calm down, and wait while they get control. Or, just wait it out til they wear themselves out. Then tell them you love them, and ask if they are ready to calmly discuss this.

On the other hand, if they are crying or sobbing, it means they are completely emotionally overwhelmed. Some people cry when they are sad, or angry, or stressed, but tears never signify a happy person. You need to stop whatever it is that is making them cry (yelling, fighting, attacking them, etc.) and comfort them. Once you are both calm, you can try to resolve the conflict again, with better results the 2nd time.

In my opinion, continuing to berate, belittle, or attack someone who is already in tears is cruel. You should never be more interested in being right than you are in your partner's safety and wellbeing. If you are so angry that you don't care you are breaking their heart, or are even enjoying it, then you need to read my tips on fighting fair and do some serious thinking about what is making you so angry.

No matter what, your goal during conflict is to solve the problem, not to be right, not to win, and not to make the other person unhappy. Try to remember this, pray your way through fights, and work toward being a healthier fighter. Good luck!

Fighting Fair

Of course, there is far more to say about "fighting fair" than I could ever fit into one blog. I will continue with various components of fair fighting later. But for now, some basic guidelines will help you and your partner understand what constitutes okay fighting strategies and what consistitutes not-okay fighting strategies.

Is anger bad? No! God gets angry. People get angry. And that's okay. It's how we handle it that matters. The Bible says:

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger
as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the
Devil that kind of foothold in your life." -Ephesians 4:26 (The Message)

Let's assume you and your parter are having a fight. It's really tempting to start blaming, accusing, screaming, using sarcasm, and being hurtful. We've all been there! But honestly, those techniques won't make you feel better, and they will not ever stop a fight. To actually solve the problem, there are some healthy ways to vent your anger. Here are some suggestions:

1. Take a break. If one of you gets so angry the fight is going nowhere, take a break. Note that screaming, "Fine!" and storming out is not "a break." A break means you calmly say, "I want to work this out, but right now I think we're too upset. I want to go be alone for half an hour. Can we meet back here at 4:30?" You are not forcing this on your partner, but calmly telling them one of you needs space. You can use this break to do whatever calms you both down: take a car ride, call a friend, have a bubble bath, read, listen to music, cry, take a walk, whatever. Just make sure you're not together. And a break always has a definite ending! It's important not to just call off the fight and then ignore it forever. Make a set time (one hour, five hours, or tomorrow) no more than 24 hours away to get back together and start the talk again.

2. Don't exaggerate or over-generalize. Something we all tend to do in fights is start generalizing and exaggerating. If you catch yourself using words like "always," "never," and "your whole life," you are probably generalizing. I know I can handle it if my partner tells me, "You hurt my feelings yesterday when you snapped at me." But if he says, "You are always so sarcastic! You never listen to me or care about me!" I am too busy feeling hurt and attacked to make him feel better. Avoid these words during fights, and instead tell them the specific time it happened, "yesterday," "last week," or "just a minute ago."

3. Don't "kitchen sink." The "kitchen sink" strategy is an unhealthy fighting strategy most people use subconsciously. This means you "throw everything but the kitchen sink" at them! Okay, so maybe my partner is mad at me for being sarcastic yesterday. But if he starts in with a huge list of things I've done wrong in the past month, he is only going to overwhelm me and make me defensive and angry. Usually, this makes the attacked person start to "kitchen sink" back. Fights should only deal with one issue at a time! No matter how badly you are itching to point out that "you do it, too!" or "but, you do this!", that is material for another fight, not this one. Deal with one specific behavior, and not a laundry list of 5 or 12 behaviors that annoy you.

4. Use "I statements." This means you should not blame the person, but take responsibility for your own feelings. Most people fight using "you statements." An example of this is, "You told me you would do the dishes but I got home and you were just watching tv!" What your partner hears is you, you, you. He naturally feels attacked and defensive. To say the same thing with "I statements" you simply need to turn the focus onto your own feelings. "I asked you to do the dishes, and I was hurt and angry when I got home and they weren't done. I was frustrated because I was looking forward to a clean house." In this sentence, you never blame your spouse, but simply share your feelings. This is a healthy and productive way to air out disagreements.

A note: it is really tempting to avoid "you statements" by using "It statements." I catch myself doing this all the time! Rather than taking responsibility for my own feelings ("I felt hurt when..." I manage to throw the blame onto something else: "It made me mad when you...." The truth is, you didn't make me mad, and it didn't make me mad.... I am mad. It doesn't matter who caused it, my emotions are my own, and no one causes or makes me to feel emotions.

5. Attack the behavior, not the person. This relates to using "I" and not "you" statements. Rather than attacking qualities about your parter (lazy, stupid, uncaring, selfish), attack the specific behavior (the dishes aren't done, we went over budget, your mother was mean to me, we don't have sex enough). There is no reason to blame your spouse; you are simply sharing with her that the two of you have a problem and you want to fix it together! So instead of snapping, "You hurt my feelings, what were you thinking?! All you care about it yourself, you never worry about my feelings!", try a calm, "I felt hurt when you said that about my hair. I'm sure you didn't mean to offend me, but I am sensitive about my appearance, so in the future could you please not tease me about my hair?" This lets your parter know you don't think he's a generally awful person, but are just hurt by his behavior.

6. Have a point, make it, back off. This strategy helps fights be short, quick, and to the point. Fights that drag on and on just spiral out of control. Try to keep it short: no long lectures, no blaming, no manipulation, no playing games, no guilt trips, and no hopping up on your soap-box for a long-winded dissertation on the many ways you've been wronged. The longer the conflict goes on, the more likely one or both of you are to get really overwhelmed and start resorting to unhealthy fighting patterns. Hence what I call my "Have a point, make it, back off" strategy! Make your point, as succinctly as possible, and then stop and wait for a response! It you can keep your complain short and sweet, you are more likely to get to the meat of the issue without all the kitchen sinking, you statements, exaggeration, blaming, and over-generalizations that will make a fight go downhill fast.

With these basic points, you and your partner can learn to deal with conflict more effectively. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being angry! Anger is just your way of knowing something is wrong or you feel hurt. Instead of blaming your partner, ask them to help you fix the problem and make you feel better.

On another note: there is no reason to internalize your anger; this just leads to resentment. If your partner has done something wrong, feel free to tell him. You are allowed to feel angry! At this point, it is important for your partner to not just get angry back, but to validate you. Later blogs will discuss this important component of conflict.

These six tips to fighting fair are difficult to remember, especially in the heat of battle, so just keep re-reading and re-practicing them. If you forget during a fight, that's okay; you can try harder to remember next time. Be forgiving of each other and move on with life!