Quality time is one of the most important aspects of maintaining a healthy, functioning relationship. In today's world of hectic schedules and demanding jobs, it can be difficult to find time in your day for quality time. This is especially true if you have other outside activities or children! But it is worth it to carve time out of each day to be together, no matter how difficult it may seem.
Distance makes two people drift apart, becoming roommate rather than friends and lovers; many couples someday wake up and find they don't know their partners anymore. Changing as a person is inevitable, and it is up to you and your partner to make sure that you spend enough time talking, sharing, and being together to make sure when you change and grow as a person, you change and grow together.
Many couples have a hard time fitting alone time in to their schedules because they have demanding jobs, hobbies, school schedules, or dependent children. While all these are valid pursuits, you need to be careful to balance your life so all these come after your relationship.
1. Jobs. Many people neglect quality time with a spouse to get ahead at work. Often this is because they truly enjoy it, because a boss demands it, or because the couple has decided financial stability is a priority for them right now. While jobs are important, I have issues with spending more time at work than at home: if you truly enjoy it, I ask you: is it worth losing your partner over? If a boss demands it, consider quitting and finding a less demanding job. Your relationships with people have eternal worth; your career on earth does not. If finances drive you, consider a smaller apartment, owning just one car, or saving coupons; again, money has no eternal value, but love does.
One man loved his job and got great personal fulfillment from working hard each day and bringing home nice things to his wife and children. However, his wife eventually felt so distant from him that she could no longer appreciate his work and his dedication to his career became a selfish desire, rather than for her. When a counselor finally said, "You have to chose. Do you want to succeed at your job alone, or do you want to succeed at your job with your wife by your side?" this husband made a very wise decision: he booked his wife in every day as one of his clients! He normally saw 8 clients a day, so he cut down to 7 and no matter what, did not cancel or reschedule his daily "appointment" with her at the end of his day! In the end, they had a happier marriage and he got to enjoy his job!
If you don't get to make your own schedule, consider taking off one day each month to have a long weekend with your spouse, no interruptions. Or try to do lunch dates with each other once a week, while still maintaining your work schedules. Or take a "mental health day" and put your sick leave to good use!
2. Hobbies. While your hobbies are important to you as an individual, they should never come before work, children, or relationships. If your hobbies are taking away time from your spouse, it's time to cut back! Go to the gym less, play one sport instead of two, or go out with the girls every three months instead of every month. If possible, try to do your hobbies together! You don't have to spend every moment together talking; just reading together, going to the gym, or taking a class together can be great quality time.
3. School schedules. This is often a problem for younger relationships. If you are still in school, make sure you don't get so caught up in graduating that you forget your most important grade: your relationships. Consider taking one fewer class per semester, keeping intersession and summers free from classes, taking a class together, or just skipping a class now and then to be together.
4. Children. This can be tricky, since children are one of the most important things in life. In fact, if you aren't married, your children should come before your partner! However, if you are in a Christian marriage, nothing on earth comes before your marriage, including your children. Many people have trouble with this, but the fact is, children are given to us for a time, but your spouse is forever. You are one flesh with your spouse, one in the eyes of God. It is better for you and healthier for your children if your marriage comes first. One of the best gifts you can give your children is to have a happy marriage!
Try to get a babysitter and go out for adult time once a week. If schedules or finances don't allow for this, try to take off work sometimes and have the house to yourself when the kids aren't home.
Another great idea is to set good boundaries with your children. Once both spouses return home from work, it is a great idea to have some family time and get to ask your kids about their days. However, set a structured time, at the same time each day, when the kids know not to interrupt or bother you unless there is an emergency. With infants, this will often be once they go to bed, but with small children they can play safely in their rooms for an hour. Older children can spend the time doing homework or chores. Once they are old enough, they can be in charge of preparing dinner or setting the table while you two seclude yourselves in the bedroom. This hour can be invaluable for you as a couple to re-connect, talk about your days, and get some needed "adult" time. Many partners look forward to this time, knowing they will get a break from their hectic lives and spend a quiet hour, asking about each other's days and venting about problems going on in their lives! It is a wonderful feeling to know that soon, everything will be okay because you will be with someone who cares for you and is 100% on your side.
Of course, if you don't yet have children or stresses from jobs, hobbies, or school, getting quality time is going to be a little easier for you. Make sure you don't get complacent and take it for granted, but make an effort to keep having quality time together whenever possible.
Remember, at the end of this life, you will be judged on how you treated the people around you and how well and hard you loved-- not how much money was in the bank, what job you had, or which hobbies you pursued.
December 13, 2008
The Four Temperaments in Christian Relationships
The four temperaments are choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic, and sanguine. Although they can be found on the net under knock-off names such as colors, elements, and animals, the original theory came far before the time of Christ, in Aristotle's time. Tim and Beverly LaHaye have written several famous and yet highly controversial books on the subject, including The Spirit-Controlled Person and The Spirit-Controlled Woman. Although some Christians reject the idea of applying pagan psychology to Christianity, I believe an understanding of who we are and how we work can help us better understand ourselves and our partners.
In any relationship, the point is to provide a loving, secure environment for both people, to be a beacon of God's love to the outside world, and to draw each other closer to God. To do this, you need to understand yourself and your partner as God made you, your natural strengths and weaknesses, and how you can best help each other grow to be the best version of yourselves.
Click below to view a more complete description of each personality:
Of course, most of us are some mix of these four personalities. I, for example, am about 99% melancholic. In fact, I'm so strongly melancholic that I find it hard to even determine my secondary temperament. However, it is rare for any one person to be so predominately one temperament. Most of us are a mix of our dominant and secondary temperaments. For example, my partner is a choleric, but a much milder form of choleric than many (thank goodness!); I'd say he is about 60% choleric and 40% phlegmatic, which means his two temperaments balance each other out quite well. Therefore, you may see parts of yourself in two, three, or even all four of the temperaments; this is normal.
To find more about this subject, I suggest you read the LaHayes' books on temperament. Also, the following are sources I used to write these articles:
In any relationship, the point is to provide a loving, secure environment for both people, to be a beacon of God's love to the outside world, and to draw each other closer to God. To do this, you need to understand yourself and your partner as God made you, your natural strengths and weaknesses, and how you can best help each other grow to be the best version of yourselves.
Click below to view a more complete description of each personality:
Of course, most of us are some mix of these four personalities. I, for example, am about 99% melancholic. In fact, I'm so strongly melancholic that I find it hard to even determine my secondary temperament. However, it is rare for any one person to be so predominately one temperament. Most of us are a mix of our dominant and secondary temperaments. For example, my partner is a choleric, but a much milder form of choleric than many (thank goodness!); I'd say he is about 60% choleric and 40% phlegmatic, which means his two temperaments balance each other out quite well. Therefore, you may see parts of yourself in two, three, or even all four of the temperaments; this is normal.
To find more about this subject, I suggest you read the LaHayes' books on temperament. Also, the following are sources I used to write these articles:
- Dictionary. com at www.Dictionary.com
- The Four Temperaments at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Temperaments
- Personalities and Temperaments at http://www.oneishy.com/personality/index.php
- The Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Beverly LaHaye
Phlegmatic
The phlegmatic (pronounced "fleg-mat-ik") temperament is one of the two introverted ones. Laid back and easygoing, this personality is able to go with the flow without getting her feathers ruffled. Dictionary.com says phegmatic means "calm, sluggish temperament; unemotional."
Phlegmatics are good to have on any team because they are natural peacekeepers. They simply don't get riled up about nothing, and prefer to stay cool and collected in an argument. They are often happy with where they are in life, naturally content, and kind and witty friends.
Phlegmatics have many friends, and are great at keeping the peace and playing the mediator when conflicts do arise. They are dependable and trustworthy, and often are keen people-watchers with kind hearts and deep compassion.
On the other hand, the same detachment that makes phlegmatics laid back and stable can also make them stubborn, resistant to change, and seem uncaring, unemotional, or passive. They can sometimes be lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to get things done.
Although they rarely fight, phlegmatics can still be quite stubborn, remaining silent but steadfast in their opinion. Other temperaments in a relationship with phlegmatics may be infuriated by the phlegmatic's lack of emotion or response in a fight. I know one woman, a wonderful extrovert with quite the temper, who used to follow her husband around the house, screaming, "Fine! Don't fight with me! I'll just have the fight for both of us!"
Although they are laid back and easygoing, phlegmatics don't change quickly, and can be hard to "get moving"! They sometimes have to be nagged to get anything done, which they resent. In any highly charged emotional situation, when the other temperaments charge right in, the phlegmatic will hover back, watching and feeling slightly smug and superior, refusing to get emotionally involved and staying detached from the scene.
The phlegmatic's natural introversion will be drawn to a choleric and sanguine's people skills. An emotional and bubbly sanguine will attract the more reserved phlegmatic. A choleric's sense of direction, purposefulness, and leadership skills will balance out a phlegmatic's passive, indecisive side, and a melancholic's deep emotional involvement with others can teach the phlegmatic some important lessons.
Phlegmatics are good to have on any team because they are natural peacekeepers. They simply don't get riled up about nothing, and prefer to stay cool and collected in an argument. They are often happy with where they are in life, naturally content, and kind and witty friends.
Phlegmatics have many friends, and are great at keeping the peace and playing the mediator when conflicts do arise. They are dependable and trustworthy, and often are keen people-watchers with kind hearts and deep compassion.
On the other hand, the same detachment that makes phlegmatics laid back and stable can also make them stubborn, resistant to change, and seem uncaring, unemotional, or passive. They can sometimes be lazy, stubborn, and unwilling to get things done.
Although they rarely fight, phlegmatics can still be quite stubborn, remaining silent but steadfast in their opinion. Other temperaments in a relationship with phlegmatics may be infuriated by the phlegmatic's lack of emotion or response in a fight. I know one woman, a wonderful extrovert with quite the temper, who used to follow her husband around the house, screaming, "Fine! Don't fight with me! I'll just have the fight for both of us!"
Although they are laid back and easygoing, phlegmatics don't change quickly, and can be hard to "get moving"! They sometimes have to be nagged to get anything done, which they resent. In any highly charged emotional situation, when the other temperaments charge right in, the phlegmatic will hover back, watching and feeling slightly smug and superior, refusing to get emotionally involved and staying detached from the scene.
The phlegmatic's natural introversion will be drawn to a choleric and sanguine's people skills. An emotional and bubbly sanguine will attract the more reserved phlegmatic. A choleric's sense of direction, purposefulness, and leadership skills will balance out a phlegmatic's passive, indecisive side, and a melancholic's deep emotional involvement with others can teach the phlegmatic some important lessons.
Melancholic
Melancholics are the thinkers, ponderers, and dreamers of the world. Often reserved and quiet, they enjoy being alone in their mental worlds of wonder and beauty. They make good philosophers, artists, musicians, and writers.
Dictionary.com says melancholics (pronounced mehl-an-kol-ics) are "gloomy and blue." This is true, as this type is more likely than any other to get so wrapped up in philosophy and deep thought that they become gloomy, mopey, and depressed.
Melancholics are often very kind and have big hearts for other people. They are sensitive, both for themselves and for others, and hate to see suffering in the world. On the other hand, they can also be quite wrapped up in their own "reality" to where they don't really see anything else.
Like the cholerics, melancholics are very structured and are perfectionistic. If they do something, they want to do it well. They stick to their endeavors--unless of course they get so discouraged and depressed they just give up! Teachers and bosses love melancholics, as these quiet, driven people will work tirelessly and usually exceed other's standards; on the other hand, this same perfectionism can be a curse, as they are never happy with their own or anyone else's work, and are often quite snippy and critical of others.
Melancholics do well with structure: lists, graphs, and clearly set expectations are where they function best. Disorganization is just likely to stress a melancholic out so much they can't get anything done. They don't make natural leaders like the choleric, because they tend to rely on themselves to get anything done and are not "people" people. Cholerics motivate others to succeed; melancholics criticize them and just do the job themselves. However, their organizational skills and creative minds make them good second-in-commands, and they like positions where they can be creative planners without the stress of directing others.
Of course, all this pondering and internal analysis can be great, but melancholics tend to go overboard with it, too. They can over-analyze and over-think anything, to the point they just wind up depressed and don't get anything done. They tend to be overly critical of themselves, not resting even after a job well done. They can also be terribly critical of others, especially their spouses and children, and never be happy with what is offered. They have deep, loving, and very sacrificial relationships with the few people they learn to trust and let into their "private circle," but they can also sulk over wrongs, internalize anger, become bitter and resentful, and play the martyr.
If you can learn to look past the criticisms and barbs inherent in a relationship with a melancholic, you will have a dedicated, loyal, and sacrificial friend for life. Melancholics are suspicious of people, and if you make it to their inner circle, they will give up everything for you, even while expecting the world of you.
Like the other personalities, melancholics in a loving, strong Christian relationship will be drawn to personalities that complement them. The choleric and sanguine's natural extroversion and people skills balance out the melancholic's antisocial tendencies. A choleric and melancholic together will both be very drawn to each other's organizational skills and dedication, and will achieve great things together--provided they not get caught up in being critical and blaming each other! A sanguine's naturally happy, cheerful disposition can lighten the melancholic's periods of depression, and a phlegmatic's laid-back disposition can help a melancholic not take life so seriously.
Of course, the more of his life a melancholic has given over to God, the more prominent his good qualities will be and the less prominent his bad ones will be. Melancholics make good humanitarians and activists, where they work tirelessly to make the world a better place and end suffering, if their natural depression and criticism don't overcome their naturally sensitive, loving hearts. They hate to see people suffer, and work to bring art and beauty into the world.
Dictionary.com says melancholics (pronounced mehl-an-kol-ics) are "gloomy and blue." This is true, as this type is more likely than any other to get so wrapped up in philosophy and deep thought that they become gloomy, mopey, and depressed.
Melancholics are often very kind and have big hearts for other people. They are sensitive, both for themselves and for others, and hate to see suffering in the world. On the other hand, they can also be quite wrapped up in their own "reality" to where they don't really see anything else.
Like the cholerics, melancholics are very structured and are perfectionistic. If they do something, they want to do it well. They stick to their endeavors--unless of course they get so discouraged and depressed they just give up! Teachers and bosses love melancholics, as these quiet, driven people will work tirelessly and usually exceed other's standards; on the other hand, this same perfectionism can be a curse, as they are never happy with their own or anyone else's work, and are often quite snippy and critical of others.
Melancholics do well with structure: lists, graphs, and clearly set expectations are where they function best. Disorganization is just likely to stress a melancholic out so much they can't get anything done. They don't make natural leaders like the choleric, because they tend to rely on themselves to get anything done and are not "people" people. Cholerics motivate others to succeed; melancholics criticize them and just do the job themselves. However, their organizational skills and creative minds make them good second-in-commands, and they like positions where they can be creative planners without the stress of directing others.
Of course, all this pondering and internal analysis can be great, but melancholics tend to go overboard with it, too. They can over-analyze and over-think anything, to the point they just wind up depressed and don't get anything done. They tend to be overly critical of themselves, not resting even after a job well done. They can also be terribly critical of others, especially their spouses and children, and never be happy with what is offered. They have deep, loving, and very sacrificial relationships with the few people they learn to trust and let into their "private circle," but they can also sulk over wrongs, internalize anger, become bitter and resentful, and play the martyr.
If you can learn to look past the criticisms and barbs inherent in a relationship with a melancholic, you will have a dedicated, loyal, and sacrificial friend for life. Melancholics are suspicious of people, and if you make it to their inner circle, they will give up everything for you, even while expecting the world of you.
Like the other personalities, melancholics in a loving, strong Christian relationship will be drawn to personalities that complement them. The choleric and sanguine's natural extroversion and people skills balance out the melancholic's antisocial tendencies. A choleric and melancholic together will both be very drawn to each other's organizational skills and dedication, and will achieve great things together--provided they not get caught up in being critical and blaming each other! A sanguine's naturally happy, cheerful disposition can lighten the melancholic's periods of depression, and a phlegmatic's laid-back disposition can help a melancholic not take life so seriously.
Of course, the more of his life a melancholic has given over to God, the more prominent his good qualities will be and the less prominent his bad ones will be. Melancholics make good humanitarians and activists, where they work tirelessly to make the world a better place and end suffering, if their natural depression and criticism don't overcome their naturally sensitive, loving hearts. They hate to see people suffer, and work to bring art and beauty into the world.
Sanguine
Of the two extroverted personality types, Sanguine (pronounced sang-gwin)is the one who is most likely to be dancing, partying, laughing, and overall having a good time! These people are best friends with everyone, and love to have fun and enjoy themselves.
Dictionary.com says sanguines are cheerful, optimistic, and confident. The root of the word comes from the Latin word for bloody or rosy.
Sanguines are often loved for their sunny, cherry dispositions and spontaneity. These people love to host parties, meet new people, and shine in the spotlight of attention!
Of course, there is a negative side of this personality, too. Sanguines can be wrapped up into themselves, self-absorbed, and flighty. They are so busy being happy and cheerful they are often neglectful of other, less-fun-but-still-important activities such as getting work and cleaning done on time. They can be unreliable, and sometimes you have to push or nag them for them to get anything done.
Sanguines are also very emotional, which can be both good and bad. Even in bad times, family members can count on them to see the positive side and remain happy! However, they can change moods quickly, getting angry easily and blowing up at those around them. However, they usually get over these outburst quickly (unlike cholerics and melancholics!) and go right back to normal once they have finished complaining.
They are often great storytellers and the life of the party. Of course, they also tend to complain, exaggerate stories, and whine. They are very disorganized and life can be in perpetual chaos around a sanguine! Other types may think the sanguine is just "too happy" and comes across as fake if they are not careful.
This happy-go-lucky temperament is usually a joy to be around. In a relationship, introverted melancholics and phlegmatics will be drawn to the sanguine's happy, bubbly, outgoing nature. The very organized and structured melancholic and choleric will both complement the sanguine's disorganized, wild side, but they may get annoyed and impatient with the sanguine's lack of discipline.
Of course, as with all temperaments, the more mature and Christ-centered a sanguine is, the more God will enhance their positive characteristics and decrease their negative ones. A sanguine is a loving, emotional being who can bring joy and sunlight into the lives of others.
Dictionary.com says sanguines are cheerful, optimistic, and confident. The root of the word comes from the Latin word for bloody or rosy.
Sanguines are often loved for their sunny, cherry dispositions and spontaneity. These people love to host parties, meet new people, and shine in the spotlight of attention!
Of course, there is a negative side of this personality, too. Sanguines can be wrapped up into themselves, self-absorbed, and flighty. They are so busy being happy and cheerful they are often neglectful of other, less-fun-but-still-important activities such as getting work and cleaning done on time. They can be unreliable, and sometimes you have to push or nag them for them to get anything done.
Sanguines are also very emotional, which can be both good and bad. Even in bad times, family members can count on them to see the positive side and remain happy! However, they can change moods quickly, getting angry easily and blowing up at those around them. However, they usually get over these outburst quickly (unlike cholerics and melancholics!) and go right back to normal once they have finished complaining.
They are often great storytellers and the life of the party. Of course, they also tend to complain, exaggerate stories, and whine. They are very disorganized and life can be in perpetual chaos around a sanguine! Other types may think the sanguine is just "too happy" and comes across as fake if they are not careful.
This happy-go-lucky temperament is usually a joy to be around. In a relationship, introverted melancholics and phlegmatics will be drawn to the sanguine's happy, bubbly, outgoing nature. The very organized and structured melancholic and choleric will both complement the sanguine's disorganized, wild side, but they may get annoyed and impatient with the sanguine's lack of discipline.
Of course, as with all temperaments, the more mature and Christ-centered a sanguine is, the more God will enhance their positive characteristics and decrease their negative ones. A sanguine is a loving, emotional being who can bring joy and sunlight into the lives of others.
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