Fighting Techniques That Get You Nowhere

One of the most challenging things in life is to be in a relationship. It is, of course, also one of the most rewarding. But sometimes it is just challenging. However, I comfort myself with the knowledge that, without a man in my life, I would have no daily fodder for this relationship blog.

My latest area of ponderance has been fighting techniques that simply do not work. To be fair to my partner, I use them, too, although I must admit it infuriates me more when he uses them. :) Without further ado, here are some fighting techniques we all try to use, but that are 100% worthless and will get you absolutely nowhere fast:

• Interrupting. This one is probably my biggest fault. I have such a strong emotional reaction to the first thing my partner says, and can already see where this is going so fast, that it becomes literally impossible for me to not interrupt. The words just fly out of my mouth! Still, it's rude, and I don't like it when people do it to me. So no matter how much you are dying to react NOW to what was just said, if your partner is still talking, try not to jump in.
• Bringing up unimportant details. This one is one of my partner's particularly endearing fighting habits. Things I've done that did not, in fact, upset, anger, or hurt him are nonetheless brought up as support for similar things I have done that annoyed him. To him, he is bringing them up because they relate, and they help him prove his point. But if you do this, all this does is make the details important. If you are yelling or fighting about them, your partner thinks they are important to you and will react accordingly. Often this results in her feeling incredibly hurt, defensive, or angry over behaviors that were not even that big a deal to you in the first place. If something didn't hurt or bother you, it has no place in an argument just so you can "be right," so don't bring it up.
• Comparing your partner to yourself. This one also gets you nowhere. If you don't like your partner's reaction, say so ("I don't like it when..."), but don't compare her to you. "I never yell at you!" does not help anyone. It doesn't solve the problem, it doesn't sow seeds of peace (James 3:18, TNIV), and it doesn't help you express your feelings or her know how to solve it (see also Romans 12:18, Matthew 18:15, TNIV). "Please don't yell at me" is a much more effective way to get what you want; you have stated your desire, without comparing her to you and insinuating you are the model of good behavior in the relationship. Comparing yourself never does anyone good! If you are wrong, your partner will feel wronged and angry, making the problem worse, and probably accuse you of being a hypocrite. Even if you are right, you've still solved nothing and only succeeded in making yourself feel better and your partner feel worse. God's Word says we are to be humble, not making ourselves appear better than others, and to remember that we are all different (Romans 12:3-6). Comparing ourselves with the intention of making others come out behind is not the way of God.
• Bragging or asserting yourself. It's tempting to repond to criticism with pride. If you are hurt about your body, it's easy to snap back, "Whatever! I have a great body! I'm much thinner than you; everyone thinks I'm beautiful!" Again, you have not solved the problem, and now you are committing the sin of pride. Stop and think: are you more likely to convince your husband you are beautiful by telling him how hot you are? Probably not. You just look prideful and arrogant, and that never makes anyone beautiful. Rather than being arrogant, go the other way, and humble yourself. Admitting your vulnerabilities is more likely to bring love and healing. A humble, "I feel hurt by that comment. I want you to think I'm beautiful, and I feel insecure. Do you not find me attractive?" is a much better response.
• Sarcasm. This is also tempting! Sarcasm comes naturally when we are hurt and angry. It is a way to self-protect and alienate the other person. Usually, we are hoping to break down walls, but instead we are just building them higher. Sarcasm is never helpful in a fight. It clogs communication channels, and your lover can't hear your real message through the sarcasm. Communication breaks down, and no one wins. If you have a tendency to resort to sarcasm, train yourself to stop; couples who use sarcasm during fights are more likely to get divorced (J. Gottman).
• Using your partner's insecurities to win. This is a particular nasty form of fighting, and like the others I've mentioned, gets you nowhere. When you are very angry, it may be tempting to win at any cost, even your partner's heart. You are not thinking clearly, and you just want to win, or be listened to, or validated. But using your spouse's insecurities against them is never acceptable. Things confided to you in trusting, loving moments must never be brought back up in the context of a fight! You are likely to wound your partner beyond repair, for months and years if not forever. Ask yourself, "Is it more important to me right now to win, or to love her/him?" The answer should be obvious. If you need to bring up an area your spouse is insecure about, make it a "loving confrontation" and never, ever a fight. Approach it as an open discussion, where you ask questions and your spouse comes to his own realizations; it is not your place to make accusations in these highly sensitive areas. I recommend discussing vulnerabilities and insecurities beforehand so one of you doesn't accidentally wound your loved one beyond repair in an argument.

Next time you have a disagreement, monitor yourself closely: do you exhibit these traits? If you do, you are making life harder both for your spouse and for yourself. It is more likely that fights are not effective; that is, they do not get your needs met. The point of arguments is to air out differences and come to mutually agreeable solutions, where both people get their needs met and grow closer as a result. If your fights look more like the list above than a loving confrontation aimed at finding solutions rather than placing blame, you probably leave them feeling exhausted, angry, and unfulfilled. You both deserve to be loved and have your needs met, but you may be unintentionally keeping that from happening. Remember, the reason for your own unhappiness is often yourself, not your spouse.

You may want to consider asking your spouse to read this list and honestly (and nonjudgmentally) tell you which characteristics you exhibit. This can give both of you an opportunity to realize areas you need to improve, ask forgiveness from each other, and begin positive change.

How to Treat Your Woman the Way She Wants to Be Treated

Men, I've found, often treat women then way they themselves want to be treated... or, worse, how they believe women should be treated. (Women, of course, do the same to men.) But I'm here to suggest (*gasp*) that you treat your woman the way she wants to be treated. Probably she doesn't always deserve it. Guaranteed it's not how you'd want to be treated in her shoes. But I'm going to do the unheard of and suggest you love your wife or girlfriend or daughter or mom, not the way you think you should, and not the way she deserves at that moment, but the way God loves her. Fiercely, passionately, jealously, and completely disregarding what she'd done or how she's acting or what she deserves.

First John 1:10 tells us:

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an
atoning sacrifice for our sins."

This is how God loves you; this is how God loves her. I suggest that you treat her as Christ treats the church (what does this mean?) full of undying love and devotion, even when she doesn't deserve it. As God's Word tells us:

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

But how do women want to be loved?

Fiercely. Passionately. Loudly. The specifics vary, as each woman is unique, but they all want to be loved the way God loves them. In the heart of every saved woman is the desire to be loved the way Jesus loves her; she has given her whole heart to Him, and He has never hurt her. We women sometimes desire perfection: we want you to be like Jesus. We ache for someone on earth, someone flesh and blood, to minister to our spirits, heal our hearts, feed our spiritual hunger, love every single dark, hidden part of us, and be a ray of healing light and hope into our hearts. We already know that precious love from Jesus, and something in our hearts yearns for it here on earth, too; a man who walks so closely to Jesus, and is so much like Him, that he can allow the healing love of Jesus to flow through him and into us! And if you don't yet believe that a husband's job on earth is to be a flesh-and-blood representation of Jesus' love for your wife, I suggest you read Ephesians 5:25-32 again!

To do this, you must walk as He walked (1 Peter 1:16) and love as He loves. This means keeping up with your own spiritual walk and relationship with Jesus, daily prayer, consistent access to the Sacraments and church services, and a continual strive for improvement in your life. But even a man with the most loving, servant-oriented heart toward his wife can be mystified and confused by this question: what does she want?!

The answer, of course, is Jesus. Read the Bible to find out more about Him, how He was, and how you can be like Him. But you are still human, still imperfect. Are there good, great men you can follow?

Of course! To do this, you need to delve a little into the world of women. Why do you think they cry at sad movies and sigh over romantic books? Because the heroes in them remind us of a longing in our own hearts--and because the heroines in them, imperfect and unlovable, remind us of ourselves. And yet for all the heroine's flaws, in the stories we love she finds a man--good, kind, strong, and loyal, who sees past her flaws to the trapped angel beneath, and loves her anyway. We sigh, we swoon, we cry, and our husbands do not understand that by looking to these characters we love, they find a valuable clue to what it is we want.

Look at heroic men and dashing heros that women love. Look at the princes in all the Disney movies--they find the princess, often disguised in rags and dust, but they fall madly in love with her anyway. He is blind to richer, better, or more beautiful women; he has eyes only for her. At the end of the movie, he must fight a battle for the princess: he must insightfully see the key to get past her cold defenses (a kiss), or more often, he must willingly enter into a forest of thorns, climb to the top of a mountain, and battle a fierce, fire-breathing dragon who seeks to harm his princess. These princes have no annoying friends or controlling mother-in-laws. They would never rather play golf than be with her. They have no commitment issues, but can't wait to get married and spend their lives with such a wonderful woman. They take her to balls, sing to her, bring her gifts, and take her dancing. They never sigh because she has not finished dinner on time. Their purpose in life is just one: to love her deeply and truly, forever.

This is what we want. Yet so many times we see the men in our live--our prince charmings--sitting despondently outside a thorn forest, complaining about having to go in, and wondering aloud if their princess is really worth all those cuts and getting their clothes torn to shreds. We see them eyeing the dragon doubtfully, then carefully backing off to let their princess deal with it on her own--after all, she is the one who has a problem with the dragon; he likes his meat burnt! We see men denying the dragon is there, or only willing to fight halfheartedly, or complaining after the dragon is vanquished that they should have never gone to all that trouble for us in the first place! And inside, our hearts break a little.

Every woman wants a prince charming. And if she picked you, she thinks you have the potential to be her prince charming! You should feel honored and special. Your wife has a little girl inside who wants a prince to fight for our honor, our safety, and our hearts. You, as a man, have a need to be the brave and valiant hero that whisks her to safety as she gazes up at you with star-struck eyes. Your desires complement each other in this area! But we have been hurt by our fathers, bosses, other princes, and you. And you have forgotten your crown because we get so wrapped up in criticizing you and complaining that you forgot to take out the trash. Reclaim the fairy tale! When you reach those symbolic moments when the princess has fled, leaving only a glass slipper, or she is deep in a death-like coma, or she is trapped in a tower by an evil queed, or you face a fire-breathing dragon and thorn forest, ask yourself, "Would Prince Charming have my reaction?" If not, change your reaction; be the prince charming she wants and needs.

Women don't only pine after animated characters. Look at the great heroes of film and books. Look at the quiet, enduring love of Edward and the Colonel in Sense and Sensibility. Look at the fierce, dedicated passion of Nathaniel in Last of the Mohicans. Look at the stern, unyielding dedication of Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre, the all-forgiving love of Raul in The Phantom of the Opera, and the tender, kind, and true heart of Faramir in The Lord of the Rings. These are men who are not afraid to fight the odds or another man to win their heroine, whose love never dies even after betrayal, abandonment, and lies, and who follow the truth and right path even when those around them fail.

If you do not know how to love your woman this way, I suggest you watch these movies or read these books. If you want, do it alone when no one knows. Or, to really surprise your lady, tell her you want to watch a romantic comedy with her, and make it a cuddling and bonding time. Don't roll your eyes and wait for the movie to be over so she owes you one more Die Hard; really pay attention, without laughing or being judgmental, to the way these men act. They are not passive, they are not sissies, they are not "whipped." They are not even perfect. But they are in love, passionate, and good, and something in them makes your wife's heart stir, or she would not watch them.

Want to know what your wife longs for and pines after? Sit down one day and ask her who her favorite male characters are from books and movies. Ask her why they are her favorites. Listen intently to her answers, and then thank her for sharing. You will probably notice she gets dreamy and happy as she describes these men to you; she is showing you what her heart yearns for from you, her real-life prince charming. Listen, remember, and change. The movies your wife loves and the books that make her cry will give you invaluable insights into the types of human men she loves and the traits that make her swoon.

Remember that you are to show God to everyone you meet, and especially to your wife, flesh of your flesh. How can you show her God's love and personality? Think about God's traits, when it comes to His people, His bride, His church. This is how God feels about your wife! God gets angry and corrects misbehavior, but He always takes Israel back. He longs for her, He pines for her, and He is not ashamed to show it. Read Hosea 2 to see a wonderful example of God's love for His people; note how, even after all Israel's terrible sins and adultery, He pursues and allures her in verses 14-23, coaxing her back to Him. He does not treat her how she deserves, but as a queen who deserves His undying adoration and who is worth pursuing ardently, declaring His love to, and keeping forever, even in her sins.

Pray hard, ask God to make you more like Jesus, and love your wife the way God made her.

How to Deal with Your Anger

You probably don't consider yourself an angry person. But do you find yourself often apologizing to your spouse for something you've said during a fight?

Do you get so angry sometimes that you say or do mean, hurtful things you are later ashamed of? Do you forget that you love your spouse when you are angry at him? Does your spouse ever mention that you have a temper or that you seem like a different person during arguments? Do you get irritated with your coworkers, children, or friends for small reasons? Do you find your blood pumping and heart racing when someone cuts you off in traffic or cuts in line at the grocery store?


Anger is a healthy emotion we all feel. Anger warns us when something important to us--ourselves, our families, or our ideals--are threatened by an outside force. It motivates us to stand up and fight for what is important to us.

But anger is often misused. Many people simply don't know tips for healthy fighting. They use anger as a weapon or an excuse for hateful behavior. Many of us get angry for small reasons. If you are often angry and tense (typically called a "Type A" personality), you are at risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, organ damage, lowered immune system, and early death. You also risk losing friends and loved ones, damaging relationships, and wounding your spouse and children for years to come. What you say in a moment of anger may haunt your loved one for the rest of his life.

I have been researching this because of a recent fight with my partner. We've both noticed patterns in his behavior; he is normally laid back and loving, but when he gets frightened or angry, he goes from a 1 to a 10 and becomes an entirely different person. He leaves the fight feeling guilty and terrible and I leave feeling hurt and bewildered. I have much experience with "angry people"--from my mother and brother to many past relationships. These people are not fun to be around, explode at any moment, and say hurtful things that I carry still, years later. Coming from people who are supposed to love me, it wounds me even more.

I am not completely innocent of angry outbursts, of course. None of us is! Even though I am a fairly passive person (I tend to get hurt and depressed more than angry), I've still struggled with my anger. When I get furious, it is easy to slip into sarcasm, insults, and blaming. Many of us also go through periods in our lives when struggle with our tempers more. I once was in a one-year relationship with an incredibly volatile, angry man. Eventually, my emotions became so raw and bloodied, and I was so constantly on edge around him, that I lost control of my temper, too. I would scream and insult back. I started exhibiting characteristics totally unlike me; I became defensive, angry, and prone to outbursts. I screamed at him or sobbed unconsolably at the slightest provocation. I threw things and tried to hit or hurt him. In such an angry, abusive environment, I became the worst version of myself.

So no one is completely innocent of misusing our anger. We all could use some help managing it and keeping it healthy and constructive. What are some ways you can do this?

First, try a time out. It is best to do some physical activity when you feel enraged; this gets rid of your pent-up adrenaline. Go take a walk, work out at the gym, or jog around the block. If this isn't your style, doing something relaxing: read a book, journal your feelings, do some yoga, pray or meditate, or take a hot shower.

Second, relax yourself. When you get angry, your heart rate starts to go up and you begin to take shallow, rapid breaths that only reach your upper chest. This just makes you feel angrier! Take slow, deep breaths. Lie flat on your back and place one hand on your stomach and one on your chest. Practice breathing so that the hand on your stomach rises and falls, but the one on your chest never moves. This is the deep breathing you need to do when you are angry.

Third, recognize your anger continuum. No one goes from a 1 to a 10 without stopping. There are some middle numbers in there, but you just may be shooting through them so fast you don't realize it! When you begin to get frustrated, make a mental note ("I'm at a 2") or share it with your partner. When you start to get genuinely angry, warn your partner, "I feel like a 6, I need to take a break," or just pay attention to your emotional level so you are more aware of your feelings and can control them better.

Next, be aware of your "angry thinking." Angry thinking tends to be less rational than when you are relaxed. Your thoughts and feelings when angry probably tend to be accusatory, blaming, and judgmental. You are probably operating under a "guilty until proven innocent" system without even realizing it. Any things you say under the influence of anger are probably going to be nasty, sarcastic, hateful, and unfair. You need to realize your feelings right now are not based on logic. There is about a 99% chance you are jumping to conclusions based on incomplete information. Stop, slow down, and remind yourself that while "angry thinking," your perceptions can't be trusted. Your mind is telling you one thing is true, but it is lying to you. Remember why you love your partner. Remind yourself that no matter how you feel, people under "angry think" are operating with incomplete information and irrational emotions. You should not jump to conclusions or make any judgments right now. Calm down, and when you are ready, tell your partner you realize you probably don't have all the correct information yet, and ask her to fill you in. Listen with an open mind, and make sure you keep an "innocent until proven guilty" mindset.

One great idea is to do an anger log. This is because our anger has assumptions we don't even realize. We feel "angry." But what makes anger? It is a negative emotion, plus the feeling of being purposefully wronged. We often do not even realize we are making this assumption, which is why an anger log can help. I myself used one for several weeks and was amazed at the subconcious assumptions I'd been making without even realizing it.

What does it mean to be purposefully wronged? Well, we don't feel angry if someone hurt us by accident. We may feel physical pain, or emotionally hurt, but if we see it was completely unintentional, we will probably forgive the person anyway. When a stranger accidentally steps on your toe, then looks up in surprise and gasps, "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry; I didn't see you there!" are we angry? No. Even if our toe hurts, we probably smile kindly and say, "No problem; it was an accident." It is only when we secretly feel we have been purposefully wronged that we get angry.

Make four columns on a piece of paper. Label them "Trigger," "Emotion," "How I've Been Purposefully Wronged," and "My Reaction." Think of a few times you've been angry recently. Break down the emotions and you will begin to see patterns: what things often trigger your anger? What subconscious assumptions were you making about the person's intent to hurt or wrong you? How did you react?

Some examples might look like this:

• Billy had painted all over the wall when I got home (trigger)! I felt horrified and sad (emotion) and got furious because he should know better (purposefully wronged). I screamed at him and sent him to his room (reaction.)


• Adam went out with his friends when I wanted to spend time together (trigger). I felt rejected and jealous (emotion) that he did not care about me and put other things first. That is so selfish (purposefully wronged). I gave him the silent treatment all night when he got home (reaction).


• Some jerk cut me off in traffic (trigger)! I was so stressed (emotion) because I was already late for work. Why does that jerk think his destination is more important than mine (purposefully wronged)?! I honked, flipped him the bird, and passed by him too fast and realy close (reaction).

Eventually, you will find patterns; certain triggers that often make you angry, for example. You can share these with your partner, and together work to avoid these. It is possible you are getting angry at minor triggers, or that your partner is triggering you without even realizing it.

The most important thing you can learn from an anger log is your underlying assumptions about how this person wronged you, took something from you, or encroached on your boundaries. Combined with our negative emotions, that is what makes us feel anger. Often we subconsciously make assumptions about that person's intent that, once recognized, we see are probably totally false! Billy didn't paint on the wall to make more work for his mom or to ruin her day, but because children want to make art. Adam didn't hang out with his buddies to hurt his wife or because he is a selfish jerk who always puts himself first. Once she realizes she has made this assumption, she will probably recognize it as false, remember he is a loving husband, and come to the next logical conclusion: he went out with the guys to relax and have some guy time, not to hurt her. Now she no longer feels threatened or wronged, and her anger has been avoided.

The final suggestion I have is to make an anger contract. Pick a few goals (3 to 5). Make them specific; "I'm going to fight less" is not measurable, but "I'm going to stop raising my voice at my wife" is. Write your goals out, date it, and sign it in ink. Post it somewhere you can see it. If you like, have a friend or your spouse witness it for you and sign as well, to help keep you accountable. Then set a date for the end of the contract (a few days to a week). Decide upon a reward for yourself if you meet all your goals. At the end of the time, you and your witness should review your contract. Can you see improvement? Did you meet your goals?

If you have met some goals, great! Make a new contract. You can re-do goals that still need work or improvement, and add new ones to replace the areas you've succeeded in. Set a new date and start the whole process again. Each time you succeed, reward yourself. Make the next contract for a longer period of time, if you wish. This way, you are slowly training yourself to handle your anger and have your needs met, while still treating your spouse with the love and respect he deserves, even when you are angry.

Remember, we are to "be angry but do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26). There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, but God warns us we are still to treat His precious people with the love and respect He himself would show them! We are to say "only what is helpful for building others up" (Ephesians 4:29). Before you snap at your spouse, ask yourself, "Would I say this aloud if Jesus were standing right here in the room, holding my spouse's hand?" If the answer is no, don't say it! Read Ephesians 4 and the book of James for more help in dealing with anger and conflict.

For a fantastic document giving all the info you could ever want to know about anger management, go to Mental Help: Anger Management.

Also see Anger Management Tips.

If You Are an Abuser

While researching abuse on the internet, I was struck by how very little literature there is geared to help those unfortunate people who are abusers. Site after site is dedicated to the victims, how to identify signs you may be abused, and steps to take for healing. But for the abusers? There is nothing. No help, no mention whatsoever except in the role of the Big Bad Wolf. No lifeline to teach you how to heal yourself and stop the cycle of abuse.

I'm not excusing abusive behavior. No matter why you are engaging in physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, it is not okay.

But I believe the role of abuser is often left untold. We often spend so much time focusing on the victims and potential victims. The abuser is only mentioned insofar as they make other people's lives worse. Readers are left hating, reviling, or--at best--not understanding abusers and the pain they, too, carry. This seems unfortunate to me.

The truth is, for every abused victim out there, there is a counterpart, the equally unhappy abuser. Abusers aren't abusers because they are mean, evil people who delight in causing others pain; they are unhappy, insecure people struggling to get their needs met, and usually unsure of how to do this or simply not aware that their methods are hurting their loved ones. The good news is, you have a right to get those needs met! You do not have a right to hurt others in the process. Thankfully, there are healthy, constructive ways to have your needs met and live in peace and harmony with your friends, family, and coworkers.

If you are an abuser, this does not make you a bad person. Help is available. And you can change. One of my favorite lyrics from a musical is when the character of God tells the audience, "There is no journey gone so far, you cannot stop and change direction." No matter how far gone you are in the path of abuse, it is not too late to change. It may be hard--and it will be!--but it is possible. Help is available.

Many people simply can't understand why someone would abuse. They assume you must be a terrible, mean person. But this isn't always true. Maybe you find yourself exhibiting abusive behaviors because you were never loved during childhood and simply never learned how to correctly show love. Maybe you were abused yourself in your past, and you have deep wounds needing healing. Maybe you learned unhealthy ways of control and abuse from a parent, and are simply doing what you learned was natural and right. Maybe you struggle with drug or alcohol abuse and your behaviors with your family are simply an unintended side effect of that. Perhaps you suffer from a mental disorder or brain damage. Or maybe you are simply going through a rough few years of your life, where stress and negative emotions are so overwhelming you are not aware of your behaviors. You are acting out toward others because of inner pain, and you have the right to support and help, and to have that pain healed and so you can receive the love you deserve.

No matter what, all this does not mean you are a bad person. You cannot help your feelings, and you have the right to them! You can feel fury, vengeance, neediness, jealousy, suspicion, betrayal, and even hatred. You can want to hit, bite, scratch, have an orgasm, control, or hurt. What you cannot do is act on these desires. But you are not a bad person for having them. You are not crazy. And help is available.

Of course, if you have tendencies to be sexually abusive, you need to remove yourself from the object(s) of your desires immediately. Maybe later, with counseling and time, you can reintroduce that person back into your life, but right now it is just important to stop the abuse immediately. This can be difficult if the person is in your immediate family, but go stay at a hotel or with a family member. Find a new job or join a new church, but remove yourself from that person. Seek counseling or therapy, and with an honest desire to change, you can be helped.

If you are physically or emotionally abusive, it may still be helpful to remove yourself from the object of your temptation for a while. Counseling will help. So will being honest with your victim, family, and friends. Admit you aren't perfect and ask for forgiveness. The Bible tells us, "Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed" (James 5:16). Hopefully, your confessions will be met with love and support, but if the people in your life react instead with anger or condemnation, know that God reacts only with love and mercy. He is good to forgive, no matter how great the sin, and He will give you the strength to change if you keep asking.

If you are an abuser, my heart goes out to you. You know pain that many of us can't imagine. I personally know past abusers who are wonderful, loving people, dedicated parents, and adoring spouses. They did not realize what they did was wrong and did not act from maliciousness. They have now taken responsibility for their actions, asked forgiveness from their victims and from God, and are working toward newer, healthier lives. You can do the same. Good luck!

Resources

How to Stop Being Abusive

If You Are an Abuser

Why Do People Abuse?

Emotionally Abusive Characteristics We All Exhibit

Emotional abuse is probably the most common form of abuse and also the hardest to detect. While physical and sexual abuse are usually fairly easy to define and pinpoint, emotional abuse is more difficult because 1.) the actions are usually very socially acceptable, especially during disagreements, and 2.) it must be a repeated pattern of behavior. Since calling names, disagreeing, controlling, and invalidating are things most of us stoop to in our normal lives, it is a very subjective business to determine when these behaviors escalate from occasional occurences to habitual behaviors; words like "constantly belittles" and "rarely apologizes" are subjective and open to the interpretation of the viewer.

This blog is not going to describe what emotional abuse is. There are several good websites that cover that. They include:

• Kali Munroe's "Resources for Healing"
• Lilac Clane's "Symptoms of Emotional Abuse for Men" (with link for women victims)
• "Emotional Abuse"
• "Surviving Abuse" (with links to warning signs and other forms of abuse)
• HealthTouch's "Verbal and Emotional Abuse"

These are in order of the best sources first (in my opinion, and I'm no psychologist!).

A word of caution.

It is highly dangerous to read about any form of abuse on the internet and decide you are a victim. There are many, many sites out there with misleading or incorrect information. Some sites are done by professionals with experience in the field, but most are written by individuals who have read one or two books on the subject and decided they are experts. Many other are written by well-meaning victims of past abuse: their desire to help others heal is wonderful and their stories worth hearing, but they can sometimes define "abuse" in such broad terms that everyone would feel abused. If your mother or husband is occasionally controlling or passive-aggressive, it doesn't mean they are abusive; it means they are human. Please, read many books on the subject (written by real professionals) and attend counseling if you believe you may have been abused; the internet is not a safe guide.

That said, characteristics emotional abuse is present in many, many relationships today. Everyone exhibits some characteristics of emotional abuse; not everyone is emotionally abusive. Most of us will exhibit these symptoms from time to time; for example, most girls in our society are taught to give the silent treatment when they are angry. Our culture is one of invalidation and competition during disagreements. When we follow these norms, we are exhibiting some characteristics of emotional abuse. It doesn't mean we are bad people or we are emotionally abusive, but it does mean we need to get rid of these characteristics and replace them with healthy fighting habits, validation, love, and acceptance. You'll find many blogs on these topics in my previous archives.

What are some of the emotionally abusive characteristics we all exhibit from time to time? They can include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. giving the silent treatment
2. invalidating your feelings
3. being excessively jealousy or possessiveness
4. expecting you to meet all needs, but never being happy with your efforts
5. belittling or humiliating you
6. not allowing you to have your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings
7. making you feel insane and doubt your own perceptions
8. bullying you
9. shouting you down or shouting over you; interrupting
10. making you believe you are a lesser person or worthless
11. giving constant criticism
12. calling names, threatening, blaming
13. never taking responsibility for self or wrong actions
14. stealing from you or lying to you
15. taking away or hurting objects, pets, and people close to you
16. controlling your job, finances, hobbies, or relationships
17. needing constant attention and control
18. sudden outburts of temper

Of course, the danger here is that this list, in part, describes each and every one of us. Many of us have bad tempers or are critical people. That does not make us abusive. Most of us will resort to blaming, invalidation, interrupting, and shouting over our partner when we are angry or upset. That does not make us abusive. Spouses are often jealous of the other's jobs, friends, or family, but that does not make us abusive. It is obvious that exhibiting some of these traits, some of the time, does not make an emotional abuser.

Another consideration is that many people will show these symptoms, but for a different reason. Your wife may have temper outburts because she is simply stressed out at work or feeling distant from you. Your husband may be extremely suspicious when you do not answer your phone because he was cheated on in the past. Your wife may be clingy, needy, and possessive because she was abused in the past, or has a bad relationship with her parents, or has trust issues, or is having a bad day, or is afraid you will leave her, or....

You see the point?

However, it is still not healthy to exhibit these traits, even if you are not emotionally abusive. Most of us exhibit them when we are angry, stressed, tired, or scared... but we can still learn healthier, more constructive ways to deal with our emotions.

Are you a naturally clingy, possessive person? So am I. We can't help our thoughts and feelings, so don't bother trying to "make" yourself feel less jealous or possessive; it is an effort in futility. What you can do, however, is learn not to act on those feelings. If you feel incredibly jealous when your husband goes to see his buddies, that is okay to feel. It is not okay to act on. Instead of throwing a fit and insisting he not go, simply be honest with him: tell him you feel insecure, and ask him to hold you and reassure you a bit before he goes. If he can react with love and reassurance instead of becoming defensive and angry, you will both be happier. In these situations I just want to be reassured that I am still first in his life and his friends have not replaced me. Then I can let him go have "guy time" and everyone is happy. If he calls me once or twice while he's gone, then reassures me again when he gets home, I feel secure and he still gets his need for independence met.

During fights, do you find yourself becoming cold, demeaning, and bossy? Do you bully your partner, interrupt her, tell her she's ridiculous, and say nasty, hateful things you don't really mean? This doesn't make you a bad person. It is okay to feel this way, but it is not okay to act on it. Force yourself to take a break if you simply can't be nice during a fight. Practice showing love with your words and actions (holding her, telling her you love her) when you're angry, even if you don't feel it yet. Pause before you speak, and if what you're about to say is hurtful, mean, or hateful, just don't say it. Wait til you've calmed down and can have a constructive, healthy conversation. Ask yourself, "Is this going to haunt her forever?" or "Is this going to help us have a better relationship?" Don't say anything that will haunt your partner long after you've said it. The Bible says we should say "only what is helpful for building each other up" (Ephesians 4:29). If your comment is not a positive remark that will build your partner to closer communion with you and with God, don't say it.

Losing these traits isn't easy. Trust me! :) I've struggled lots with the desire to give the silent treatment when I'm angry, which society teaches women to do. When I was younger, I had to slowly teach myself not to say mean, hurtful things I didn't actually mean just so I could "win." I learned this habit from my mother, and it felt natural to me, but I decided it was not a behavior I wanted to emulate. It took months and years of slow, painful training, but eventually I broke myself of the habit.

I still struggle with not interrupting, not using sarcasm, and being critical. My partner has his own struggles, and it is easy to get caught up pointing fingers at each other ("See! You're being emotionally abusive right now! You're not validating me!") but the truth is, these are "you" statements. They are not healthy and pointing fingers may make us feel better for a time, but it gets us no where. In the end, we both leave feeling exhausted, drained, and hurt. No one wins. But when we each work the slow, hard, uphill battle to tame our own personal demons, and we learn from our mistakes, slowly we are becoming people who can argue and fight without wounding the other person to the core.

Always, always try to act like God. He gets angry, hurt, and wrathful, but he does it in a 100% healthy, constructive way. He never points fingers or shouts blame. He gently corrects us, never to make us feel bad or send us farther away, but only to gently beckon us back toward Him, back home to love and comfort and safety. Your fights should not be about division, but about bringing you both back into communion with each other. Follow God, and He will lead you. As you go, pray hard and forgive generously. Good luck on the journey.