One of the four personality types, Cholerics (pronounced call-er-ick, kŏl'ə-rĭk, kə-lěr'ĭk) are defined by Dictionary.com as easily angered. Synonyms for choleric are irascible, peppery, quick-tempered, touchy, indignant, mad, angry, belligerent, cranky, cross, enraged, grouchy. That's quite a list!
The name, however, does not do justice to the many great traits cholerics have. You may have guessed by the definition of the word that cholerics are prone to bursts of temper, being bossy, and dominating the other three temperaments. This is true! However, they are also the go-getters, doers, and leaders of the world! Cholerics are the people with the drive and know-how to get things done, and if they put their mind to it, they will get it done! This personality type is often intense and unforgiving, but that is how they achieve so much! These people are hard workers, motivated, and good at leadership, organizing others, and getting tasks done! They are often ambitious, passionate, driven, and organized.
In problems or emergencies, you want a choleric around. This person reacts quickly to crises, and handle problems efficiently. They can see their options, visualize the best solution, and kick the other three temperaments' into gear to get it done right! You can trust a choleric to do a job right, and to get it done well. Cholerics are extroverts, who like to be around people and are good at motivating them to do what they want. I, a melancholy, once gave a screenplay of mine to a totally choleric woman. Although sometimes she infuriated me by bulldozing over me and other people, the truth is that she got it done, faster and better and more efficiently, than my more shy nature ever could have. She whipped that movie together and the result was fantastic, thanks to her dedication and hard work. I do not regret giving her that responsibility, because she totally lived up to it.
These people are your born leaders, getting things done and achieving great things for the world. They are also personally motivated, and often highly successful in their own individuals lives as well. If you need a group project done, you want a choleric in charge. In a relationship, you probably will be drawn to a choleric if you are shy, indecisive, or have trouble leading others. If you need someone strong to lean on, make decisions for you, lead you, and get things done, a choleric is for you!
Of course, every temperament has its weaknesses. Cholerics can be too pushy, bossy, and offend others without even realizing it. When they do realize it, they often aren't too concerned about it. Cholerics can also have problems with controlling their temper, and can be demanding and unforgiving at times.
Of course, in a relationship, you want to find a choleric who is a Christian and has given his life over to God. In this case, a relationship with Christ will heighten the great qualities of a choleric and diminish the negatives ones. A choleric who submits to Christ and is willing to learn from the other temperaments can learn to be loving, forgiving, tender, and gentle with his spouse, while maintaining that strong, dedicated, and organized personality than she leans on and desires.
December 13, 2008
Taking Breaks from Fighting
Sometimes the best thing you can do during conflict is to take a break til both of you are calmed down. Whether you want to do something alone or together to calm down so you can resume resolving the conflict in a calmer, more productive way, here are some tips on taking breaks:
Taking a Break Alone
Not surprisingly, most people like to take breaks alone. This gives you the chance to get away from your partner and the source of your unhappiness, clear your head, and get calmed down. Make sure that you don't just storm out, but calmly tell your partner you love them but need some space, what you will be doing, and agree on a time to meet again and try to resolve the conflict again. Remember, breaks are always consenual, and there is always a set time to return and try again.
Here are some suggestions for things you and your partner can doing during breaks:
This isn't as common, but some people don't like to be alone during fights because it just makes the tension, insecurity, and worry get worse. Some people feel very needy and clingy during conflict, because they are afraid if their partner is angry she won't love them anymore, or he is going to leave forever. And these feelings are okay, too! If this is what you or your partner feels, taking a break together is an option. This often means you don't talk, but just agree to sit silently or engage in another activity together. You agree to put the fight aside for a while, so you can both calm down. One advantage of taking a break together is that, if you can manage to start another activity together and both have fun without fuming and being nasty, it can help you remember how much fun you have together and that you love each other!
Of course, it is often difficult to go straight from a screaming/blaming match to peaceful activities together, so sometimes it is best to try taking a break alone for a while, then taking a break together later. If you still can't handle it without feeling angry and bitter, go back to taking a break alone til you've calmed down.
Here are some suggestions for taking a break together:
Taking a Break Alone
Not surprisingly, most people like to take breaks alone. This gives you the chance to get away from your partner and the source of your unhappiness, clear your head, and get calmed down. Make sure that you don't just storm out, but calmly tell your partner you love them but need some space, what you will be doing, and agree on a time to meet again and try to resolve the conflict again. Remember, breaks are always consenual, and there is always a set time to return and try again.
Here are some suggestions for things you and your partner can doing during breaks:
- pray
- listen to music
- go for a walk
- call a friend
- cry
- take a hot shower or bubble bath
- read your Bible
- read a book
- get a massage
- go shopping
- go to the gym and burn off steam
- clean
- have a drink with friends
- sit at a park and watch children play
- journal about your feelings
- relaxation techniques, such as Yoga or deep breathing exercises
- visualizing the things you love about your partner and how to arrive at a positive resolution
This isn't as common, but some people don't like to be alone during fights because it just makes the tension, insecurity, and worry get worse. Some people feel very needy and clingy during conflict, because they are afraid if their partner is angry she won't love them anymore, or he is going to leave forever. And these feelings are okay, too! If this is what you or your partner feels, taking a break together is an option. This often means you don't talk, but just agree to sit silently or engage in another activity together. You agree to put the fight aside for a while, so you can both calm down. One advantage of taking a break together is that, if you can manage to start another activity together and both have fun without fuming and being nasty, it can help you remember how much fun you have together and that you love each other!
Of course, it is often difficult to go straight from a screaming/blaming match to peaceful activities together, so sometimes it is best to try taking a break alone for a while, then taking a break together later. If you still can't handle it without feeling angry and bitter, go back to taking a break alone til you've calmed down.
Here are some suggestions for taking a break together:
- sit in silence, not touching, just alone with your thoughts while you each calm down. Don't talk to you're both ready.
- write a letter to each other about how you feel, then switch and read them.
- clean the house together--you get lots done when you're angry!
- watch a movie or put on some music you both enjoy
- try to remember the best, funniest, or most romantic memory you have together
- agree to talk only about the good in your relationship, and what you both enjoy about the other
- read the Bible or pray together
- make love
- go for a walk in the park
- give each other a massage to help calm down and relax
- play cards, or find a board game, computer game, or video game that makes you laugh together
- remember the worst fight you ever had and talk about how you got over it and how great it felt afterward
- go to the pound and play with the baby kitties and puppies. This makes everyone feel better! :)
Of course, remember to respect your partner, and don't try and force them into anything they don't feel comfortable with; this will just make them more angry!!! I know that when I am feeling furious and hurt, I cannot handle doing something so intimate as praying together, making love, or reading the Bible together, and trying to force your partner into it just makes you look like a controlling jerk. Agree on activities together and try to focus on laughing and having fun again!
When Fights Go Too Far
Fighting and conflict aren't bad for a relationship. In fact, they are often helpful. They help the relationship grow by giving you the opportunity to face problems, difficulties, and differences. When you successfully get past conflict, you often find your relationship is in a newer, better place.
So fighting is often healthy and good for a relationship. Great. But let's face it, it's still not fun. No one likes to be angry, and no one likes to be in the middle of a huge fight. Often, our emotions get in the way and we find ourselves saying things we regret later. It's hard to remember to fight fair when you are so furious you can't see straight.
So what should you do when fights go too far?
First, as soon as you notice that you or your partner is totally gone into Fury Land, and is too angry/hurt/furious/sad/sobbing/panicked to talk, you should stop the fight. This doesn't mean sweep it under the rug and ignore the problem, but just take a small break to comfort each other or to have some alone time: whatever works.
Lots of people do better with a break or some alone time. Tell your partner you need some space, where you're going, that you still love them, and when you'll be back to re-start the discussion. Then do whatever you need to calm down. Talk to God, pray, go to the gym and work off some energy, call a trusted friend, whatever.
Of course, taking a break won't do a bit of good if you spend the time fuming and re-hashing all the terrible things your partner said while you're apart. The point is not to fume and get yourself more worked up, but to calm down. Try to breathe deeply and remember the good things your partner does. Remind yourself how much you love each other and how committed you are to making it work. If you can't do that yet, that's finel; just do something to get your mind off the fight entirely.
Also, don't hurry back from a break. Many studies show that people say they feel calmer after a 10-minute break, but what do the studies show? You guessed it: their blood pressure is still pumping way off the charts! If you go back into the area right now, you are just going to get mad again. Wait at least half an hour, more if you need it, before heading back in.
Some people don't like to take breaks. Some would rather buckle down and get it worked out now. I tend to be like that. I've also noticed that, during fights, I sometimes get so worried and needy that a break is just going to make me freak out more and fear I've been abandoned forever.
What do you do in situations like that?
Well, if your partner gets needy and clingy during breaks, you should reassure them. Those of us from broken or abusive homes often equate anger with impending abandonment. We need you to reassure us that you are angry, but not leaving forever! Sometimes, agreeing to sit quietly together, but not talk or argue, is enough. I feel better knowing my partner is in the room with me, not leaving me forever, as we both breathe and try to calm down.
It also really helps me if he can put aside his anger to comfort me. He is still angry, but he can calm down enough to talk softly to me, hold me, and stroke my hair. This is good for both of us: suddenly, I am curled up in his arms, crying, and he is the protector, strong and loving. We suddenly lose our "angry, pissed-off bad guy" personnaes and remember we love each other. Tearful apologies and laughter at how stupid we were being often follow. Then we can hold each other and work the conflict out for real, feeling happy and in love again. Like I said, conflict doesn't have to be bad!
If you have a partner who suffers from mental disorders like anxiety, depression, panic disorder, or something similar, you have to be really careful when fights go too far. Some people will just shut down completely because they can't handle the conflict. Understanding where your partner is coming from (an abusive mother, depressive disorder, deep hurts from a past lover) can really help you be loving and supportive for them now, even though you are still angry. Remember, your job is to be loving first, angry second. Just because you're mad doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk; it is perfectly acceptable to hold your partner while explaining to them why you feel so frustrated with them.
A perfect example from my experience is panic attacks. During a fight, I get so stressed out that my heart and head start to pound, I feel weak, I start to hyperventilate, and I can't breathe. Needless to say, if your partner exhibits these symptoms this is no time to keep yelling or berating them. The thing that helps me most is when my partner can put aside his anger and make sure I am physically safe--continuing to fight just makes it worse!!! If he can calm down, approach me quietly, and speak to me soothingly, I will eventually calm down. A good tip for someone panicking is to have them drink water, lie flat and breathe deeply with them, or bring them a soda or snack to elevate blood sugar (because a panicking body burns through energy fast!).
Other people may close off completely; this is called shutting down. Sometimes they will physically leave the room, and others they will just emotionally check out, going to a "safe place" in their head. If your partner does this, further attacks will just make it worse. Calm down, approach them slowly and calmly, and gently ask what is wrong. Try to calm them down. The only reason people go into their shells during fights is because they don't feel safe. Whether they are insecure or you weren't fighting fair, you need to tone it down a notch and make them feel safe with you. When we fight, we never want to become the stuff of nightmares: bellowing, gesturing, intimidating, screaming and throwing things, or attacking our loved ones. This is not how loving people fight! Make sure your partner knows he is loved, and then you can calmly and fairly work through the conflict.
A third option is that some people will lose control. Depending on their personality, this may manifest by screaming and yelling, or by uncontrollable crying. Either way, a screaming or crying person is never a happy person. You need to pause the fight until you can get them calmed down. Showing strong emotions like that is just your partner's way of signaling to you that they are very, very, very unhappy! Don't take it personally, but understand they are frantically trying to convey to you how miserable they are.
If they are screaming, calmly ask them to calm down, and wait while they get control. Or, just wait it out til they wear themselves out. Then tell them you love them, and ask if they are ready to calmly discuss this.
On the other hand, if they are crying or sobbing, it means they are completely emotionally overwhelmed. Some people cry when they are sad, or angry, or stressed, but tears never signify a happy person. You need to stop whatever it is that is making them cry (yelling, fighting, attacking them, etc.) and comfort them. Once you are both calm, you can try to resolve the conflict again, with better results the 2nd time.
In my opinion, continuing to berate, belittle, or attack someone who is already in tears is cruel. You should never be more interested in being right than you are in your partner's safety and wellbeing. If you are so angry that you don't care you are breaking their heart, or are even enjoying it, then you need to read my tips on fighting fair and do some serious thinking about what is making you so angry.
No matter what, your goal during conflict is to solve the problem, not to be right, not to win, and not to make the other person unhappy. Try to remember this, pray your way through fights, and work toward being a healthier fighter. Good luck!
So fighting is often healthy and good for a relationship. Great. But let's face it, it's still not fun. No one likes to be angry, and no one likes to be in the middle of a huge fight. Often, our emotions get in the way and we find ourselves saying things we regret later. It's hard to remember to fight fair when you are so furious you can't see straight.
So what should you do when fights go too far?
First, as soon as you notice that you or your partner is totally gone into Fury Land, and is too angry/hurt/furious/sad/sobbing/panicked to talk, you should stop the fight. This doesn't mean sweep it under the rug and ignore the problem, but just take a small break to comfort each other or to have some alone time: whatever works.
Lots of people do better with a break or some alone time. Tell your partner you need some space, where you're going, that you still love them, and when you'll be back to re-start the discussion. Then do whatever you need to calm down. Talk to God, pray, go to the gym and work off some energy, call a trusted friend, whatever.
Of course, taking a break won't do a bit of good if you spend the time fuming and re-hashing all the terrible things your partner said while you're apart. The point is not to fume and get yourself more worked up, but to calm down. Try to breathe deeply and remember the good things your partner does. Remind yourself how much you love each other and how committed you are to making it work. If you can't do that yet, that's finel; just do something to get your mind off the fight entirely.
Also, don't hurry back from a break. Many studies show that people say they feel calmer after a 10-minute break, but what do the studies show? You guessed it: their blood pressure is still pumping way off the charts! If you go back into the area right now, you are just going to get mad again. Wait at least half an hour, more if you need it, before heading back in.
Some people don't like to take breaks. Some would rather buckle down and get it worked out now. I tend to be like that. I've also noticed that, during fights, I sometimes get so worried and needy that a break is just going to make me freak out more and fear I've been abandoned forever.
What do you do in situations like that?
Well, if your partner gets needy and clingy during breaks, you should reassure them. Those of us from broken or abusive homes often equate anger with impending abandonment. We need you to reassure us that you are angry, but not leaving forever! Sometimes, agreeing to sit quietly together, but not talk or argue, is enough. I feel better knowing my partner is in the room with me, not leaving me forever, as we both breathe and try to calm down.
It also really helps me if he can put aside his anger to comfort me. He is still angry, but he can calm down enough to talk softly to me, hold me, and stroke my hair. This is good for both of us: suddenly, I am curled up in his arms, crying, and he is the protector, strong and loving. We suddenly lose our "angry, pissed-off bad guy" personnaes and remember we love each other. Tearful apologies and laughter at how stupid we were being often follow. Then we can hold each other and work the conflict out for real, feeling happy and in love again. Like I said, conflict doesn't have to be bad!
If you have a partner who suffers from mental disorders like anxiety, depression, panic disorder, or something similar, you have to be really careful when fights go too far. Some people will just shut down completely because they can't handle the conflict. Understanding where your partner is coming from (an abusive mother, depressive disorder, deep hurts from a past lover) can really help you be loving and supportive for them now, even though you are still angry. Remember, your job is to be loving first, angry second. Just because you're mad doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk; it is perfectly acceptable to hold your partner while explaining to them why you feel so frustrated with them.
A perfect example from my experience is panic attacks. During a fight, I get so stressed out that my heart and head start to pound, I feel weak, I start to hyperventilate, and I can't breathe. Needless to say, if your partner exhibits these symptoms this is no time to keep yelling or berating them. The thing that helps me most is when my partner can put aside his anger and make sure I am physically safe--continuing to fight just makes it worse!!! If he can calm down, approach me quietly, and speak to me soothingly, I will eventually calm down. A good tip for someone panicking is to have them drink water, lie flat and breathe deeply with them, or bring them a soda or snack to elevate blood sugar (because a panicking body burns through energy fast!).
Other people may close off completely; this is called shutting down. Sometimes they will physically leave the room, and others they will just emotionally check out, going to a "safe place" in their head. If your partner does this, further attacks will just make it worse. Calm down, approach them slowly and calmly, and gently ask what is wrong. Try to calm them down. The only reason people go into their shells during fights is because they don't feel safe. Whether they are insecure or you weren't fighting fair, you need to tone it down a notch and make them feel safe with you. When we fight, we never want to become the stuff of nightmares: bellowing, gesturing, intimidating, screaming and throwing things, or attacking our loved ones. This is not how loving people fight! Make sure your partner knows he is loved, and then you can calmly and fairly work through the conflict.
A third option is that some people will lose control. Depending on their personality, this may manifest by screaming and yelling, or by uncontrollable crying. Either way, a screaming or crying person is never a happy person. You need to pause the fight until you can get them calmed down. Showing strong emotions like that is just your partner's way of signaling to you that they are very, very, very unhappy! Don't take it personally, but understand they are frantically trying to convey to you how miserable they are.
If they are screaming, calmly ask them to calm down, and wait while they get control. Or, just wait it out til they wear themselves out. Then tell them you love them, and ask if they are ready to calmly discuss this.
On the other hand, if they are crying or sobbing, it means they are completely emotionally overwhelmed. Some people cry when they are sad, or angry, or stressed, but tears never signify a happy person. You need to stop whatever it is that is making them cry (yelling, fighting, attacking them, etc.) and comfort them. Once you are both calm, you can try to resolve the conflict again, with better results the 2nd time.
In my opinion, continuing to berate, belittle, or attack someone who is already in tears is cruel. You should never be more interested in being right than you are in your partner's safety and wellbeing. If you are so angry that you don't care you are breaking their heart, or are even enjoying it, then you need to read my tips on fighting fair and do some serious thinking about what is making you so angry.
No matter what, your goal during conflict is to solve the problem, not to be right, not to win, and not to make the other person unhappy. Try to remember this, pray your way through fights, and work toward being a healthier fighter. Good luck!
Fighting Fair
Of course, there is far more to say about "fighting fair" than I could ever fit into one blog. I will continue with various components of fair fighting later. But for now, some basic guidelines will help you and your partner understand what constitutes okay fighting strategies and what consistitutes not-okay fighting strategies.
Is anger bad? No! God gets angry. People get angry. And that's okay. It's how we handle it that matters. The Bible says:
Let's assume you and your parter are having a fight. It's really tempting to start blaming, accusing, screaming, using sarcasm, and being hurtful. We've all been there! But honestly, those techniques won't make you feel better, and they will not ever stop a fight. To actually solve the problem, there are some healthy ways to vent your anger. Here are some suggestions:
1. Take a break. If one of you gets so angry the fight is going nowhere, take a break. Note that screaming, "Fine!" and storming out is not "a break." A break means you calmly say, "I want to work this out, but right now I think we're too upset. I want to go be alone for half an hour. Can we meet back here at 4:30?" You are not forcing this on your partner, but calmly telling them one of you needs space. You can use this break to do whatever calms you both down: take a car ride, call a friend, have a bubble bath, read, listen to music, cry, take a walk, whatever. Just make sure you're not together. And a break always has a definite ending! It's important not to just call off the fight and then ignore it forever. Make a set time (one hour, five hours, or tomorrow) no more than 24 hours away to get back together and start the talk again.
2. Don't exaggerate or over-generalize. Something we all tend to do in fights is start generalizing and exaggerating. If you catch yourself using words like "always," "never," and "your whole life," you are probably generalizing. I know I can handle it if my partner tells me, "You hurt my feelings yesterday when you snapped at me." But if he says, "You are always so sarcastic! You never listen to me or care about me!" I am too busy feeling hurt and attacked to make him feel better. Avoid these words during fights, and instead tell them the specific time it happened, "yesterday," "last week," or "just a minute ago."
3. Don't "kitchen sink." The "kitchen sink" strategy is an unhealthy fighting strategy most people use subconsciously. This means you "throw everything but the kitchen sink" at them! Okay, so maybe my partner is mad at me for being sarcastic yesterday. But if he starts in with a huge list of things I've done wrong in the past month, he is only going to overwhelm me and make me defensive and angry. Usually, this makes the attacked person start to "kitchen sink" back. Fights should only deal with one issue at a time! No matter how badly you are itching to point out that "you do it, too!" or "but, you do this!", that is material for another fight, not this one. Deal with one specific behavior, and not a laundry list of 5 or 12 behaviors that annoy you.
4. Use "I statements." This means you should not blame the person, but take responsibility for your own feelings. Most people fight using "you statements." An example of this is, "You told me you would do the dishes but I got home and you were just watching tv!" What your partner hears is you, you, you. He naturally feels attacked and defensive. To say the same thing with "I statements" you simply need to turn the focus onto your own feelings. "I asked you to do the dishes, and I was hurt and angry when I got home and they weren't done. I was frustrated because I was looking forward to a clean house." In this sentence, you never blame your spouse, but simply share your feelings. This is a healthy and productive way to air out disagreements.
A note: it is really tempting to avoid "you statements" by using "It statements." I catch myself doing this all the time! Rather than taking responsibility for my own feelings ("I felt hurt when..." I manage to throw the blame onto something else: "It made me mad when you...." The truth is, you didn't make me mad, and it didn't make me mad.... I am mad. It doesn't matter who caused it, my emotions are my own, and no one causes or makes me to feel emotions.
5. Attack the behavior, not the person. This relates to using "I" and not "you" statements. Rather than attacking qualities about your parter (lazy, stupid, uncaring, selfish), attack the specific behavior (the dishes aren't done, we went over budget, your mother was mean to me, we don't have sex enough). There is no reason to blame your spouse; you are simply sharing with her that the two of you have a problem and you want to fix it together! So instead of snapping, "You hurt my feelings, what were you thinking?! All you care about it yourself, you never worry about my feelings!", try a calm, "I felt hurt when you said that about my hair. I'm sure you didn't mean to offend me, but I am sensitive about my appearance, so in the future could you please not tease me about my hair?" This lets your parter know you don't think he's a generally awful person, but are just hurt by his behavior.
6. Have a point, make it, back off. This strategy helps fights be short, quick, and to the point. Fights that drag on and on just spiral out of control. Try to keep it short: no long lectures, no blaming, no manipulation, no playing games, no guilt trips, and no hopping up on your soap-box for a long-winded dissertation on the many ways you've been wronged. The longer the conflict goes on, the more likely one or both of you are to get really overwhelmed and start resorting to unhealthy fighting patterns. Hence what I call my "Have a point, make it, back off" strategy! Make your point, as succinctly as possible, and then stop and wait for a response! It you can keep your complain short and sweet, you are more likely to get to the meat of the issue without all the kitchen sinking, you statements, exaggeration, blaming, and over-generalizations that will make a fight go downhill fast.
With these basic points, you and your partner can learn to deal with conflict more effectively. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being angry! Anger is just your way of knowing something is wrong or you feel hurt. Instead of blaming your partner, ask them to help you fix the problem and make you feel better.
On another note: there is no reason to internalize your anger; this just leads to resentment. If your partner has done something wrong, feel free to tell him. You are allowed to feel angry! At this point, it is important for your partner to not just get angry back, but to validate you. Later blogs will discuss this important component of conflict.
These six tips to fighting fair are difficult to remember, especially in the heat of battle, so just keep re-reading and re-practicing them. If you forget during a fight, that's okay; you can try harder to remember next time. Be forgiving of each other and move on with life!
Is anger bad? No! God gets angry. People get angry. And that's okay. It's how we handle it that matters. The Bible says:
"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger
as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the
Devil that kind of foothold in your life." -Ephesians 4:26 (The Message)
Let's assume you and your parter are having a fight. It's really tempting to start blaming, accusing, screaming, using sarcasm, and being hurtful. We've all been there! But honestly, those techniques won't make you feel better, and they will not ever stop a fight. To actually solve the problem, there are some healthy ways to vent your anger. Here are some suggestions:
1. Take a break. If one of you gets so angry the fight is going nowhere, take a break. Note that screaming, "Fine!" and storming out is not "a break." A break means you calmly say, "I want to work this out, but right now I think we're too upset. I want to go be alone for half an hour. Can we meet back here at 4:30?" You are not forcing this on your partner, but calmly telling them one of you needs space. You can use this break to do whatever calms you both down: take a car ride, call a friend, have a bubble bath, read, listen to music, cry, take a walk, whatever. Just make sure you're not together. And a break always has a definite ending! It's important not to just call off the fight and then ignore it forever. Make a set time (one hour, five hours, or tomorrow) no more than 24 hours away to get back together and start the talk again.
2. Don't exaggerate or over-generalize. Something we all tend to do in fights is start generalizing and exaggerating. If you catch yourself using words like "always," "never," and "your whole life," you are probably generalizing. I know I can handle it if my partner tells me, "You hurt my feelings yesterday when you snapped at me." But if he says, "You are always so sarcastic! You never listen to me or care about me!" I am too busy feeling hurt and attacked to make him feel better. Avoid these words during fights, and instead tell them the specific time it happened, "yesterday," "last week," or "just a minute ago."
3. Don't "kitchen sink." The "kitchen sink" strategy is an unhealthy fighting strategy most people use subconsciously. This means you "throw everything but the kitchen sink" at them! Okay, so maybe my partner is mad at me for being sarcastic yesterday. But if he starts in with a huge list of things I've done wrong in the past month, he is only going to overwhelm me and make me defensive and angry. Usually, this makes the attacked person start to "kitchen sink" back. Fights should only deal with one issue at a time! No matter how badly you are itching to point out that "you do it, too!" or "but, you do this!", that is material for another fight, not this one. Deal with one specific behavior, and not a laundry list of 5 or 12 behaviors that annoy you.
4. Use "I statements." This means you should not blame the person, but take responsibility for your own feelings. Most people fight using "you statements." An example of this is, "You told me you would do the dishes but I got home and you were just watching tv!" What your partner hears is you, you, you. He naturally feels attacked and defensive. To say the same thing with "I statements" you simply need to turn the focus onto your own feelings. "I asked you to do the dishes, and I was hurt and angry when I got home and they weren't done. I was frustrated because I was looking forward to a clean house." In this sentence, you never blame your spouse, but simply share your feelings. This is a healthy and productive way to air out disagreements.
A note: it is really tempting to avoid "you statements" by using "It statements." I catch myself doing this all the time! Rather than taking responsibility for my own feelings ("I felt hurt when..." I manage to throw the blame onto something else: "It made me mad when you...." The truth is, you didn't make me mad, and it didn't make me mad.... I am mad. It doesn't matter who caused it, my emotions are my own, and no one causes or makes me to feel emotions.
5. Attack the behavior, not the person. This relates to using "I" and not "you" statements. Rather than attacking qualities about your parter (lazy, stupid, uncaring, selfish), attack the specific behavior (the dishes aren't done, we went over budget, your mother was mean to me, we don't have sex enough). There is no reason to blame your spouse; you are simply sharing with her that the two of you have a problem and you want to fix it together! So instead of snapping, "You hurt my feelings, what were you thinking?! All you care about it yourself, you never worry about my feelings!", try a calm, "I felt hurt when you said that about my hair. I'm sure you didn't mean to offend me, but I am sensitive about my appearance, so in the future could you please not tease me about my hair?" This lets your parter know you don't think he's a generally awful person, but are just hurt by his behavior.
6. Have a point, make it, back off. This strategy helps fights be short, quick, and to the point. Fights that drag on and on just spiral out of control. Try to keep it short: no long lectures, no blaming, no manipulation, no playing games, no guilt trips, and no hopping up on your soap-box for a long-winded dissertation on the many ways you've been wronged. The longer the conflict goes on, the more likely one or both of you are to get really overwhelmed and start resorting to unhealthy fighting patterns. Hence what I call my "Have a point, make it, back off" strategy! Make your point, as succinctly as possible, and then stop and wait for a response! It you can keep your complain short and sweet, you are more likely to get to the meat of the issue without all the kitchen sinking, you statements, exaggeration, blaming, and over-generalizations that will make a fight go downhill fast.
With these basic points, you and your partner can learn to deal with conflict more effectively. Remember, there is nothing wrong with being angry! Anger is just your way of knowing something is wrong or you feel hurt. Instead of blaming your partner, ask them to help you fix the problem and make you feel better.
On another note: there is no reason to internalize your anger; this just leads to resentment. If your partner has done something wrong, feel free to tell him. You are allowed to feel angry! At this point, it is important for your partner to not just get angry back, but to validate you. Later blogs will discuss this important component of conflict.
These six tips to fighting fair are difficult to remember, especially in the heat of battle, so just keep re-reading and re-practicing them. If you forget during a fight, that's okay; you can try harder to remember next time. Be forgiving of each other and move on with life!
Personality Differences in Relationships
Your personality is who you are as a person. God already knows your personality intimately (He designed and created it!), your family and friends probably know it pretty darn well, and you also may have a fairly decent idea of who you are, how you work, and what you need in relationships. Then again, you may have no idea who you are! And that is okay, too.
There are many personality tests and quizzes available on the internet, some quality, and most not. While I don't think a "Which Lord of the Rings Character Are You" quiz is going to help you discover your inner self and engage in healthier relationships, there are some quality personality tests that will. I've been using these for years, and there is good information on the web about them.
http://www.personalitypage.com/
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
These links will help you find information about the 16 Myers-Briggs Personality Types, one of the most famous and well-respected theories of personalities out there. This won't magically tell you what type of person you should marry (in fact, any combo of these personalities can have a happy marriage!) but it will help you learn a great deal about yourself. Share these with your partner so you can better understand each other. The whole point of a relationship is to grow to better love and support each other, and to do that you need to understand the other's wants and needs.
Another very popular personality theory are the Four Personality Theories. This one dates back to Greek times and Aristotle, and there are on-line knockoffs that will assign each of the four personalities an animal, a color, or a cute name. However, the technical names for these personalitie are Choleric, Melancholic, Sanguine, and Phlegmatic. Beverly LaHaye wrote a fantastic book about these four types, The Spirit-Controlled Woman. I think these four are so important to know and understand in relationships that I will blog about each of these personalities separately later.
A question we often here in relationship advice is "Do opposites really attract?" The answer is, yes... but not always.
Tricky, I know.
Opposites do tend to attract. In some ways, this is very healthy. For instance, an extrovert will probably be drawn toward an introvert for a marriage partner, because their strengths and weaknesses will balance someone out. Likewise, a pessimist is often drawn to an optimist, a happy, bouncy person to a more stoic, mopey one, or a messy person to a neat freak. This is normal and healthy, because they provide balance.
Of course, balance is just a fancy way of saying "balance provided by the constant pulling in opposite directions." Balance assumes there is conflict there, stated or not. Sometimes the messy person is going to feel annoyed and controlled by the neat freak. Sometimes the neat freak is going to get angry and stressed out by the chaos. But hopefully, they will work through the conflict and be able to maintain a household that is pretty normal, not too much like a war zone and not too much like a sterile hospital. Balance and happiness ensue!
But opposites aren't always healthy. For example, there are some areas in marriage that need to be similar. These areas include religious beliefs, core values, and future plans (house, children, job, etc.). Someone who wants to live in the country with horses and 10 kids may well be the opposite of a spouse who sees herself living in the middle of a huge city with 1 baby and a maid, but this isn't a healthy opposite.
Opposites attract, but you have to decide which attractions are healthy and which are not. Someone who has different morals, sees the world too differently from you, has differing religious beliefs, or ultimately wants different things from you is not going to be a good marriage partner, because these opposites will eventually cause resentment and tear you apart. Each couple must individually decide which areas they want to have a balance in, and which areas they want to agree on. It's up to you!
God does give us some guidance, though. These areas are not up to us, because they are commands from the person who created marriage and loves us. We can trust that his advice is good. One area you should not have differences in is religion. (See the Bible verse I'm referencing.) If you are a Christian with a living relationship with Jesus Christ, you should find someone who fits that. Saying they are a Christian, without obvious evidence of that in their life, is not enough.
The Bible, however, leaves all the following up to individual choice: race, background, interests, enthicity, citizenship, past sins, personality type, hobbies, future plans. You are on your own on this one, given the free will to decide what you want and what you don't want.
Find a partner whose personality fits yours. You should complement each other, supplement each other, and ultimately lead each other closer to God than you would be capable of coming on your own. Pray for guidance, and God will be good to answer.
Good luck! :)
There are many personality tests and quizzes available on the internet, some quality, and most not. While I don't think a "Which Lord of the Rings Character Are You" quiz is going to help you discover your inner self and engage in healthier relationships, there are some quality personality tests that will. I've been using these for years, and there is good information on the web about them.
http://www.personalitypage.com/
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
These links will help you find information about the 16 Myers-Briggs Personality Types, one of the most famous and well-respected theories of personalities out there. This won't magically tell you what type of person you should marry (in fact, any combo of these personalities can have a happy marriage!) but it will help you learn a great deal about yourself. Share these with your partner so you can better understand each other. The whole point of a relationship is to grow to better love and support each other, and to do that you need to understand the other's wants and needs.
Another very popular personality theory are the Four Personality Theories. This one dates back to Greek times and Aristotle, and there are on-line knockoffs that will assign each of the four personalities an animal, a color, or a cute name. However, the technical names for these personalitie are Choleric, Melancholic, Sanguine, and Phlegmatic. Beverly LaHaye wrote a fantastic book about these four types, The Spirit-Controlled Woman. I think these four are so important to know and understand in relationships that I will blog about each of these personalities separately later.
A question we often here in relationship advice is "Do opposites really attract?" The answer is, yes... but not always.
Tricky, I know.
Opposites do tend to attract. In some ways, this is very healthy. For instance, an extrovert will probably be drawn toward an introvert for a marriage partner, because their strengths and weaknesses will balance someone out. Likewise, a pessimist is often drawn to an optimist, a happy, bouncy person to a more stoic, mopey one, or a messy person to a neat freak. This is normal and healthy, because they provide balance.
Of course, balance is just a fancy way of saying "balance provided by the constant pulling in opposite directions." Balance assumes there is conflict there, stated or not. Sometimes the messy person is going to feel annoyed and controlled by the neat freak. Sometimes the neat freak is going to get angry and stressed out by the chaos. But hopefully, they will work through the conflict and be able to maintain a household that is pretty normal, not too much like a war zone and not too much like a sterile hospital. Balance and happiness ensue!
But opposites aren't always healthy. For example, there are some areas in marriage that need to be similar. These areas include religious beliefs, core values, and future plans (house, children, job, etc.). Someone who wants to live in the country with horses and 10 kids may well be the opposite of a spouse who sees herself living in the middle of a huge city with 1 baby and a maid, but this isn't a healthy opposite.
Opposites attract, but you have to decide which attractions are healthy and which are not. Someone who has different morals, sees the world too differently from you, has differing religious beliefs, or ultimately wants different things from you is not going to be a good marriage partner, because these opposites will eventually cause resentment and tear you apart. Each couple must individually decide which areas they want to have a balance in, and which areas they want to agree on. It's up to you!
God does give us some guidance, though. These areas are not up to us, because they are commands from the person who created marriage and loves us. We can trust that his advice is good. One area you should not have differences in is religion. (See the Bible verse I'm referencing.) If you are a Christian with a living relationship with Jesus Christ, you should find someone who fits that. Saying they are a Christian, without obvious evidence of that in their life, is not enough.
The Bible, however, leaves all the following up to individual choice: race, background, interests, enthicity, citizenship, past sins, personality type, hobbies, future plans. You are on your own on this one, given the free will to decide what you want and what you don't want.
Find a partner whose personality fits yours. You should complement each other, supplement each other, and ultimately lead each other closer to God than you would be capable of coming on your own. Pray for guidance, and God will be good to answer.
Good luck! :)
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