What Depression Feels Like

If you have a spouse or loved one who is depressed, please don't make the mistake of telling them to "snap out of it" or "pray harder." You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to snap out of it and pray harder, would you? The Christian stigma that depression is only imagined, or is the cause of some unforgiven sin, has kept many Christians from seeking treatment.

What happens when severe depression is left untreated and unchecked? Suicide.

In fact, many studies show depression has genetic and environmental causes (see one example here.) Depression is as real as cancer, and in many ways just as terrifying and life-changing.

Someone who has been depressed can tell you unequivocably that depression IS real. However, unless you've suffered from this mental illness yourself, you cannot really understand.

How does depression feel?

• You feel achy, like you have a cold all the time. Your joints ache, your muscles ache, your head aches, your eyes ache. You have chronic back, muscle, and joint pain, and may need constant massages from a loved one. You ache and feel under the weather.
• You feel tense, worried, and despairing. You can't imagine why you ever thought you were a good person or your life would work out well. You are a failure and there is nothing to do about it. You are overpowered completely by feelings of unworthiness and despair. Any attempts to cheer yourself up are quickly crushed by some outside force that seems to weight eight billion tons.
• You don't enjoy anything. Activities you used to enjoy, like sex, singing, music, golf, and exercise, now make you feel bored and depressed. You don't have the energy to do them.
• You have no energy. You feel listless and lifeless. You don't have the energy to get out of bed more often than it takes to use the restroom. You make yourself eat small amounts and shower occasionally, but overall you don't really care about those, either. Hygiene is a chore and you prefer to stay in bed. Even when you slept well, you feel tired and like you have no energy.
• You suffer from sleep problems. You may have nightmares that are so vivid you begin to wake up even more stressed and exhausted than when you went to sleep; this may eventually make you terrified of falling asleep and you may dread sleeping. You could sleep too little, tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling, or you might sleep too much, delving into a heavy sleep for long over 8 hours but still waking up tired and groggy.
• Everyone is an enemy. Other people are annoying and irritating. You wish they'd go away and leave you alone, because your patience is thin. At best, you tolerate them and ignore them; at worst, you can see they are ruining your life and making you unhappy and you attack and berate them.
• You want to weep at the smallest thing.
• Your life is hopeless and no one else understands why or even sees this.
• God has abandoned you, you have fallen out of His favor, and you don't even have the energy or desire to pray about it, anyway. The solace you once received from Him now seems empty and pointless.
• You are not hungry, although you feel weak and tired. Food holds little appeal for you, and when you eat it doesn't even taste that good. You may feel nauseated by the thought of food. You probably only eat what tiny amounts you need to keep going.
• Comfort from others will not console you, because their voice is like a tiny, insignificant point against the millions of heavy, dark points you know to be true.
• You are terrified but you cannot protect yourself from whatever danger is near. Your body is on full alert, which is exhausting for you. Your heart thumps, your blood rushes, you feel terrified and anxious. SOMETHING bad is about to happen, and you are helpless and powerless and alone.
• You have no energy to go to work or even to get out of bed.
• You want to lie in the dark, and avoid light, which hurts your eyes and annoys you.
• When lying down, you can feel a solid weight pushing on your chest. Although you see that nothing is there, you can feel it, and it is heavier than you are, preventing you from moving or getting up. You have no choice but to lie there with this external weight.
• You find yourself thinking darkly about murder, blood, and suicide. The only thing that calms your mind and gives you a reprieve from the darkness is to picture hurting yourself, seeing your blood run, or hurting someone else. You darkly wonder who would even care if you drove away and never came back, or how long it would take someone to notice if you died today. You figure it would serve them all right, anyway.

Imagine feeling like that, but worse, and you can understand how a depressed person may feel. They do not need your advice, your pity, or your anger, but only your patience and understanding. Do not try to lift them out of depression, but listen and suggest a doctor.

For more tips on what to say to someone who is depressed, see here.

Depression and Suicide Linked

The recent death of writer Sylvia Plath's son has prompted many news agencies to write about the growing evidence of a genetic cause for depression.

Several studies have shown that suicide rates (and therefore presumably depression) are higher among identical twins than fraternal ones. Suicide has been proven to be about 30-50% genetic. Additionally, the close family members of suicide victims are more likely to commit suicide. Parents, siblings, and children are at special risk. Some studies suggest the families of suicide victims are two times more likely to commit suicide than the rest of the population.

It's a sobering thought.

What causes suicide? Obviously, there are many factors. But studies suggest anywhere from 60 to 90% of those who commit suicide are affected by depression. In fact, depression is the most common factor to lead someone to kill themselves.

Studies have shown the brains of depressed suicide victims have fewer neurological receptors for the chemical GABA in their cerebral cortex. This affects decision making and thought processes.

The lack of GABA receptors in the brain is caused by the presence of methylation, a molecule that attaches to a gene and basically "hides" it from cells that would normally sense it and produce GABA receptors for it. The end result? The cells do not produce GABA receptors, and GABA cannot be filtered into the brain system as it should.

Even more striking is that this cause is not necessarily genetic. While the methylation does seem connected to depression and suicide, it is caused not be genetics but by environmental factors--factors such as childhood abuse, according to one study. Factors in childhood basically "program" the brain... and in this case, the lack of protein means the lack of synapses ("bridges" in the brain for neurons). When neurons cannot travel, gradually a person becomes starved of brain chemicals important for feeling happy and content, because these chemicals cannot travel as well with fewer bridges than in a healthy brain.

These environmental factors that basically seem to program the brain to be predisposed to depression and eventual suicide seem to happen prior to birth and in early childhood. Babies born with low birth weight and height were more likely to commit suicide as adults, as were children with abusive histories.

Of course, being at risk of suicide does not mean a family member will commit it. It simply means these people are in need of extra care and support. And, as always, if you feel like committing suicide, talk to a friend or call 1 800 SUICIDE.

http://www.sciam.com/podcast/episode.cfm?id=sylvia-plaths-son-and-suicide-in-fa-09-03-24
http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=the-origins-of-suicidal-brains

Forgiving and Heal Past Hurts

In a relationship, forgiveness is always going to be necessary. Again, and again, and again. But it is often more difficult than we realize.

You may want to forgive, but you cannot. Or you may forgive for a while, and then be slapped in the face by a fresh wave of hurt a few days later. (Or a few years later.) We want to forgive, but we are hurting so badly we feel we cannot.

One answer, of course, is to pray about it. This won't heal the problem magically, but it will help. Praying for God to teach you to forgive your spouse the way He has forgiven you can give you time to reflect quietly, get centered, and calm down. Of course, the biggest benefit is that it sets in motion divine aid!

One tip I use that works for me about 85% of the time is to STOP the thought immediately. Rather than think about it, letting the anger and rage well up in me at how I've been wronged and hurt, I STOP the thoughts with a quick, 1-sentence prayer thanking God that the situation has stopped. I use this formula:

God, thank You for getting him out of that situation.

Of course, the situation varies. For example, my most common time I need to invoke this prayer is the thought of my partner's ex-wife. I find myself picturing them having sex in various positions, and it tortures me. These unwanted images flash through my mind unbidden and cause unexplicable pain for me. If I let them continue, I will feel pain, then loss, then hurt, then anger, and we will be in yet another fight over something neither of us can control. For this situation, I pray: "God thank You for getting him out of that marriage."

The end. I do not make it a long prayer so my mind has no time to keep torturing me with the image.

For a smaller issue, I may pray like this: "God, thank You that we've already talked about this and I've forgiven him." End of story.

Try using these small, thankful prayers to ward yourself against the pain, hurt, and anger that comes with unforgiveness.