Nice Guys Finish Last? Nope, Just Passive Ones.

I'm so tired of men who complain that "nice guys always finish last."

The question is, do they? I don't think so.

I know many nice, stable, Christian men with stable jobs, nice guy friends, and a host of healthy hobbies who have married gals looking for just those qualities.

The problem with the old adage, "Nice guys finish last," is... how do you define "nice"?
Now, if by "nice" you mean moody, sensitive, submissive, touchy, easily hurt, and unable to lead... sure, those guys finish last. But I think they're kidding themselves if they whine that it's because they are "nice."

It's not because you're nice. Sure, there are a minority of women out there who don't like nice guys and would rather find a leather-clad drug addict who can yell at them and hit them and make them cry. But that's not most of us.


Most of us want a guy who will care about our emotions, be friendly toward our mothers, hug us when we're sad, and take care of us when we're sick. That's good nice.

But we don't want a guy who "lets" us make most of the decisions, doesn't like conflict, won't stand up for himself, and is afraid to tell us no and give us a stern look every once in a while. That's bad nice. And our society is kicking out more and more of these guys.

On the first few dates, they're hard to tell apart from the good nice guys. But eventually, we start to notice little things. Like that he is afraid to say anything that will upset his mother. That he wants us to pick where we'll go and what we'll do, because all he is capable of saying is, "I don't care where we eat/what we do/what movie we see." A guy who will get his feelings hurt and then not tell us about it. A guy who complains a lot about his boss and work environment, but never actually goes and talks to his boss about it. A guy who prefers to give us whatever we want instead of risking making us angry. A guy who will always apologize, but never expect to be apologized to. A guy who, when you ask his future plans and goals, will say something vague like, "Oh, whatever God wants in my life is fine with me."

That's bad nice. In fact, I don't even consider it "nice." I'd call that passive.

There are some women out there just itching for a husband they can boss around and treat like a servant (they won't ever word it that way. They'll say, "It makes him happy to make me happy").

But most women want a man they can lean on and trust in an emergency. Someone who can protect them emotionally and physically, and that means having the physical power to do it and the emotional balls to follow through. Sure, they want a nice man who loves and provides for them, but they also want someone who can make strong decisions, discipline their children, and stand up for their family against evil bosses and in-laws.

So quit whining that "I'm just too nice, I guess."


It's not that you're too nice, because there is no such thing as being too nice. It's that aside from being a nice guy, you're also a pushover or indecisive or a wimp or passive. You probably don't like to look at yourself that way, so you make excuses like you're "nice."

Be honest with yourself. Who are the heroes of romance novels? Warriors. Heroes. Strong men. Men who are willing to stand up for themselves and their women and their families, physically if they have to, but most certainly verbally and emotionally. Men who are willing to fight battles and go out on a limb. They're probably also nice, wonderful husbands and caring fathers, but they're still men.


What does the Bible say about masculinity? It says that a masculine man is someone who loves God, has wisdom, lives temperately, loves and leads his wife and children, disciplines his children, works hard, and is selfless. A man is someone who is humble, wise, righteous, and stable. He provides for his family. He is respected in his community. He leads by word and example. He holds his tongue, gives solid Christian advice to those who need it, forgives easily, and can be depended upon.

Adam sinned because he was too passive. He did not stand up to Eve in the garden. Abraham sinned because he was too passive. Instead of standing up and telling the truth, he lied about his relationship with Sarah when he was afraid for his life, and in the end he compromised his wife's virtue out of fear. Moses signed because he was too passive. When given an order by God, he tried to shirk his duty and give excuses.

See a pattern here?

On the other hand, the Bible tells of many "manly" men who were still loving, peace-seeking followers of God. Paul was outgoing and fearless with words. He was not afraid to speak for the Gospel in front of leaders and crowds. Elijah was emboldened by the Spirit to face scores of Baal's prophets alone. David was a warrior who was unmatched in battle. He wasn't afraid to go up against Goliath, even when all the other soldiers were. At the same time, he also loved God, dancing, and music. He was strong, brave, and fearless in battle, but he didn't get caught up in being a man who was only about war.

Joshua was a man who obeyed God and led Israel's troops into glorious battle. In Joshua 1, what message does God give Joshua? "Be strong and courageous." God says this to Joshua no fewer than 3 times. It is good advice for all men to follow.

Think about it.

Sources:

http://www.christinyou.net/pages/masculinity.html
http://www.scionofzion.com/essence.htm

Gender Roles in Christianity

Gender roles in Christianity are always a hot-button topic. Non-Christians and liberal Christians often see more fundamentalist Christians are being hopelessly backward, trying to force women to stay in the Middle Ages and deny them equality with men. More conservative Christians paint the more liberal movements as producing a mass generation of butch lesbians and women who care for nothing but their high-powered careers and enslaving men to watch their children.

A feminist is, according to WebNet, "a doctrine that advocates equal rights for women." Given this definition, I'd say most Westerners are feminists. I don't know many people who think women shouldn't vote, drive, or work.

On the other hand, there is a push in evangelical Christianity for women to be "submissive." Ahh, the dreaded S-word. Mentioned submission and most married Christian women in the room will assume shell-shocked expressions of outward compliance, while inwardly they are screaming, "I tried it and HELL NO, I will not be subjected to that again!" The single men will all look confused, and the married men in the room will do one of two things: if they've never tried it, they'll look smug and expectant, whereas if they and their wife have already tried it, they'll look tired and worn and settle into their seats with an air of sad expectancy.

The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood has this to say on gender roles:

Because of the widespread compromise of biblical understanding of manhood and womanhood and its tragic effects on the home and the church, these men and women established The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

In opposition to the growing movement of feminist egalitarianism they articulated what is now known as the complementarian position which affirms that men and women are equal in the image of God, but maintain complementary differences in role and function. In the home, men lovingly are to lead their wives and family as women intelligently are to submit to the leadership of their husbands. In the church, while men and women share equally in the blessings of salvation, some governing and teaching roles are restricted to men.

Where are all these men who are to lovingly and humbly lead their wives?

Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home.

Can I get an "Amen"?! What this means is that men do one of two things: 1. They do not lead effectively (I call this "asshold syndrome") or 2. they do not lead (I call this "wuss syndrome").

John Eldgredge has the same basic theory in his book Wild at Heart. He says that men tend to either hide their strength (sinning through passivity) or abuse their strength (sinning through domination). Men today do not know how to use their strength. They do not know that they are strong. They either dominate women or let women dominate them. Both of these are sins. The article What Should Be the Husband's Role in Marriage? has a great summary of Biblical leadership, including three rules for husbands: be a leader, be a servant, and be a lover.

For dads or dads-to-be, another great article for faithful fathers is Where Have All the Fathers Gone?: A Sobering Challenge for Dads.

But there was one thing I'm not sure about, as I was reading Wear the Pants MANifesto. This article says:

Men are not women. They are not genderless. They are not androgynous. They have an innate, God-given bent to initiate and be heroes. They want to untie the world from the tracks of complacency. They want to get their hands dirty. They want to answer the call of manhood. They want to be MEN.

This idea that men want to be men is echoed in Christian books such as Wild at Heart and P.B. Wilson's Liberated Through Submission. But while it's all well and good to believe that men all naturally want to be the kind of leaders and husbands and fathers this world is crying out for, I haven't seen that in my life. I have a whole host of men who prefer to be emotionally unavailable sexual predators. Men who want sex buddies and friends with benefits because they prefer that to the emotional cost of a relationship with a complex woman. Men who are passive, passive when they see their children being hit and passive when they see their wives called names, passive when their mothers are too controlling and passive when the bathroom sink needs to be fixed. Men who are lazy, men who do not keep their words, men who complain when life gives them "too much" responsibility. Men who like to be able to dominate a woman and pressure her into sex, rather than wait respectfully and honor her as a person. Men who prefer to make excuses and blame the woman for being a nag instead of taking the responsibility for their own failures. Men who don't fix the car, don't fix the broken toilet paper roll, don't spend time learning about women and relationships and emotions. Men who abandon their children, don't pay child support, or just watch too much tv. These men are not chomping at the bit for the very difficult responsibility of maintaining a happy, God-fearing home with a loved, emotionally satisfied wife and disciplined, healthy children.

And what happens when we wait and wait and our husbands never come through? We find that strength somewhere else, or we become passive and bitter and withdrawn, or we assume control ourselves and become Wifezillas. These are the choices men leave us.

I'd love to believe that all men want to be heroes. The Bible certainly suggests that men have that latent potential, or perhaps they used to before generations of war, rape, violence, aggression, passivity, and weakness bred that out of them. Just look at all the websites like CDD and Taken in Hand where women are just screaming out for their husbands to be the men the Bible talks about.

Do these men really exist?

I'm reminded, sadly, of the lyrics of Bonnie Tyler's song. I think it is the heart cry of many Christian women today. Christian women who want to be equal, but want someone to submit to, someone to love them, to lead them, to cherish them, to serve them, to discipline them, and to protect them.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night.

Some of these women will be holding out for the rest of their lives.

Husband as Master?

The Bible is pretty clear that in a Christian marriage, men should lead the household. (See Ephesians 5 or 1 Peter 3 for the most popular verses.) In 1 Peter 3:1-6, Peter discusses Sarah as a model of a submissive wife, saying she called Abraham her "master." This is sometimes used to support a Master/slave (M/s) relationship for those in the BDSM lifestyle, but most Christians take it to simply mean the man should be in charge. Here is the verse:

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. -1 Peter 3:1-6

But where in the Old Testament is there a record of Sarah calling her husband "Master"? It's in Genesis 18:12, after Sarah is told she will bear a son. Here is the verse in different translations:

So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" -NIV

So she laughed silently to herself and said, "How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master--my husband--is also so old?" -NLT

So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?” -ESV

The Blue Letter Bible says the Hewbrew word used here is adon, a singular masculine noun from a root word meaning "to rule." Interestingly, adon (also spelled 'adown) is the singular form of Adonai, a popular name for God. Originally, Adon or Adonis was the name of a Phonecian/Canaanite god of fertility, whose mother was Venus to the Romans, Aphrodite to the Greeks, and Astarte to the Phonecians. (Off topic, but also interesting: the generic name for a god in Phonecian was el, and the Phonecian god El was the creator and Lord of Earth. He was also called Baal. The root "el-" became the basis for the Hebrew words Elohim, Eli, and for the Arabic word Allah.)

In the Old Testament, the use of adon was used in the sense of master, lord, or owner. The word comes from a root word meaning "to rule" and implies a sense of ownership and was used to refer to those in a position of authority, usually husbands, kings, or other people in authority. Of course, Adon is also used to refer to God.

Here are some other uses for the word adon in the Bible:

1. firm, strong, lord, master


2. lord, master


3. superintendent of household, of affairs


4. master


5. king


6. lords, kings


7. proprietor of hill of Samaria


8. husband


9. prophet


10. governor


11. prince


12. king


13. prince


14. prophet


15. father


16. Moses


17. priest


18. captain


19. general recognition of superiority

These are all examples of the word adon in the Old Testament when they refer to men (and not God). I cannot stress enough that this word means "to rule" and implies ownership or a position of authority.

In the New Testament example of 1 Peter 3:6, the word used is the Greek kyrios.

They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master [kyrios].

This word best translates as "lord, master, or sir". It can also be applied to Jesus or God when it is capitalized in English, such as Lord. It is related to the Greek word kyrieou, meaning "to have dominion over" or "to exercise control of" or "be lord/Lord of."

On the other hand, commentaries warn us that this doesn't mean women should never have a say in marital decisions. The words kyrios and adon seem to refer more to a general sense of respect and lordship; they refer to someone in authority, but that doesn't mean a slave driver. Matthew Henry's commentary on these verses concludes:

Christians ought to do their duty to one another, from a willing mind, and in obedience to the command of God. Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. The husband's duty to the wife implies giving due respect unto her, and maintaining her authority, protecting her, and placing trust in her.

Another commentary by Coffman says:

As Sarah obeyed Abraham...
It should not be thought that Sarah's obedience to Abraham was in any sense Servility. On one occasion she ordered Abraham to "Cast out the bondwoman and her son," a "request" that sorely grieved and distressed Abraham; but he obeyed her, God himself commanding Abraham to do it (Genesis 20:10-12). Nevertheless, there was the utmost respect and honor accorded her husband by the noble Sarah.
Calling him lord ...
The significance of Sarah's doing this lies in the fact that this is what she called him in her own heart, not merely when others might hear her. The real test of what one is, or what one thinks, lies in the content of what they say to themselves, not in what they might say to others.

In other words, submission is more about giving respect and honor to your husband in your heart than in being forced to only in your actions. Sure, he could force you to be obedient, but God wants a willing heart, not grudging respect. Let me be clear that this is not something I have mastered! I know in my head what I should do, but I'm not sure how to apply that to my actions. How do I submit when he doesn't require it or make it clear which situations he even wants me to submit in? How do I submit without clear direction or leadership from him in what areas he wants me to submit? How do I force myself to feel submissive "in my heart" instead of just "in my actions"? These are things I'm not sure about, and I need to talk more with my husband about.

Yet the key words here, kyrios and adon, imply leadership and authority. If you're a man, what does that mean for you?

And how many Christian marriages today actually are true to this original meaning?

Not many.

Please don't think I am blaming the women here for "not being submissive enough." It is both partners' fault if their marriage does not live up to 1 Peter 3:6. In today's Western society, equality and "equal partnerships" are the norm. Conventional wisdom says that if one partner is better at leading in a certain area, it will be simpler and easier for everyone to let her. Women today have to deal with weak men who make bad, selfish decisions motivated by self-gratification instead of a Godly leadership style. Many men would rather not make decisions or have the hassle of leading, so nothing gets done if the woman doesn't step in. On the other hand, men today have to handle powerhouse women in the workplace who can file a sexual harrassment suit over imagined slights. Some of their wives are control freaks who treat them like children instead of like warriors. The problem is in both sexes. Men won't lead, and women won't let them. It's a cycle our society says is normal and even P.C., but it's not what the Bible tells us to do.

Undoubtedly, the idea of a submissive Christian wife will be unpopular with your friends and family members. Likewise, the idea of a dominating Christian husband will fly in the face of many of your loved ones' beliefs.Don't believe me? Check out this alarming thread, "When will men kneel down before women in public?" But in the end, you must do what you believe is right. It is the husband's responsibility to initiate and maintain and Bible-based relationship. It is the wife's responsibility to submit and obey to his leading. Popular? No. Easy? Certainly not. But rewarding? I have to rest on the promises of God and think so.

There is no right or wrong model of submission. The two of you simply need to communicate and decide what works for the two of you, within Biblical grounds. Think: is your husband the master? the leader? the lord? Do you obey him? And husbands, do you act like a master, a prophet, a priest, a prince, a king? Do you pray to your Priest and King for guidance on how to follow in His footsteps?

Ask Jesus what he wants for your marriage. He will guide you. He is the ultimate Kyrios, the ultimate Adon, the leader and master and owner and ruler of our lives. He will show you the way.

Being a Man: Taking the Initiative

Recently, my husband read two books about relationships, sex, and Christian marriage. Two. And even better, they were books I hadn't read yet.

It's no secret that the majority of self-help and Christian relationship books are purchased and read by women. But that's too bad, since half of the people in Christian relationships are men. Sometimes my husband will read a book after I've read it, but usually only because he's heard me talking about it and I'm nagging him to read it, too. And often, he starts it and doesn't finish it.

What does that tell me? Whether or not it's true, it makes me feel like I care more about the health of our relationship than he does (since I'm the one reading books to help us), that he doesn't show initiative (I was the one who got and read the book and encouraged him to follow) and that he doesn't have follow through (he starts a book, but doesn't finish it). That makes me sad and feel unimportant, not to mention that it makes me wonder if I can trust him to lead us in a Godly direction without follow-through or iniative. Maybe he has follow-through and initiative with his job, but why not with me?

So it was special to me that he read them. The first one, Sex and the Soul of a Woman by Paula Rinehart, was one I bought about five years ago and couldn't finish because I felt too depressed and guilty. He started it hoping to better understand me and how past sexual abuse has affected me, and he finished it in a few days. He even said it helped him understand how my past has affected me and our sex life together.

The second one, Love and War by the great couple John and Stasi Eldredge, was one we picked up at the grocery store and he read. We loved their earlier books, so he read through it and suddenly he was a lot more patient and understanding. We fought less for a few days. He made efforts to validate and understand me more often. It definitely brought about a nice change!

Being a man doesn't mean you have to read books, especially if that's not your thing, but it does mean taking the initiative. And sometimes it means taking the initiative in areas that maybe aren't your cup of tea. Like reading self-help books, or couple prayer time and Bible study, or starting a new volunteer ministry together as a couple in your community. Maybe you'd rather be watching the game or cleaning the car, but that's why leadership in a Christian relationship is a sacrifice. Because you do things that are important to her, or that help your relationship. Maybe reading books or spending time listening to some online sermons, or even just browsing Christian relationship websites or Bible commentaries online, is something you should consider.

It may not seem like fun to you, but your wife will be impressed you showed the self-initiative to try to improve your relationship, all on your own. She'll feel loved you spent time doing something that maybe you didn't really want to. And the information you find can only help the two of your relationship as you grow together toward Christ.

Leadership Qualities for a Man

While both men and women can be leaders (in parenting, in the workforce, in their communities, and in politics), in homes it is the man who is called to lead. This doesn't mean he has to boss his wife around, or even that he can't delegate some tasks to her. But in today's society, many men are not taught how to lead. They are taught to be passive and to take orders, or else to fight and gain what they want through intimidation or violence. Many men don't know what it takes to be a leader.

What are some characteristics of a Christian male leader? Whether a Christian man is called to leadership in his job, community, hobbies, church, friends, or family, some characteristics remain the same.

Let's look at 1 Timothy 3, a great passage about male leadership. Paul is writing to his protoge, Timothy, about the qualifications for men wanting to be deacons (translated "overseers" in the NIV version) in the Church. Since a deacon is clearly a position of leadership, these characteristics describe what Paul saw as the ideal Christian leader.

Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap. Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. -1 Timothy 3:2-9

In 1 Peter 3:7, Paul gives further instructions to husbands leading their wives and families:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat
them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious
gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Colossians 3:19 has further instructions for husbands:

Love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Paul gives several criteria for male leaders. Here they are:

• Moral: Paul says that leaders should make good moral and ethical decisions. Decisions should be based on the Bible and made after careful thought, prayer, and Bible study, not based on a feeling or your own desires. Husbands should ask not what they want, but what decision will be best for their wives and families. Paul gives some specifics; a husband should not be divorced, so should be faithful to his wife. He shouldn't quarrel and should control his temper. He should not seek money but eternal rewards. He should be honest with everyone, even when it is difficult or may have negative consequences for your job or relationships. A good Christian leader is first of all moral. He does what is right, not partly right or half-heartedly, but 100%, no matter the consequences or how unpopular that decision may make him.
• Good leadership skills: A leader should exhibit good leadership skills. Not only should he manage his wife and children, but outsiders should respect him. That means he is a capable, strong leader both within and without his home. He leads his wife and children, his friends, his family, his coworkers, his church members, and all the groups he is part of. People look up to him as an example of a godly, moral man and come to him for advice and help. People trust him and follow his example, which should be completely righteous in the way he lives his life.
• Controlled: A leader controls his selfish instincts and does what is best for his followers. He controls his temper. He loves his wife, even when she is unlovable or he is angry with her and doesn't want to love her. He keeps himself from excesses of alcohol, food, sex, or any other addictions. He doesn't do what he wants to do, like making selfish decisions, but controls his own desires and cares for those under his leadership.
• Respectable: A Christian leader is worthy of respect. He follows God's Word---and to follow it, he must know it. He probably spends time studying the Word and working to keep his life lined up with it. He conducts himself honestly and righteously. He has morals and character others can respect. He is strong and stable, making good decisions and sticking to them, not making decisions in a rush or without enough forethought to carry them through.
• Faithful: A leader must "keep hold of the deep truths of the faith." This means he is knows the deep truths of faith, not just the basic or easy or popular ones. He knows God is working in his life, and he trust Him completely. He follows Jesus in all his decisions. Even when life is hard and others around him doubt, he trusts God. He attends church, studies his Bible, and helps those less fortunate. He shows the world around him God's love, whether that is in his community, church, family, or work. People can tell he's a devout Christian by his words and actions. Perhaps he volunteers at the church or in the community or leads a Bible study.
• Tender: A husband is not harsh with his wife, either in his words or his actions. He doesn't yell at her, belittle her, or lose patience with her. He doesn't give her the silent treatment or get annoyed with her for not being perfect. He is patient, loving, and tender. He understands his wife and his children's needs, and he strives to meet them. He knows his family has emotional needs, and he is sensitive and atuned to those. He knows their spiritual needs, and he always leads them closer to God. He knows their physical needs and keeps them cared for, provided for, and safe.
• Respectful: A leader is worthy of respect, but he also gives respect. He treats his wife and all his followers with respect. He does not take advantage of her weakness, either physical, spiritual, or emotional. He loves her for the gifts she brings to their relationship and to God's kingdom, and treats her respectfully because of them.
• Considerate: The husband Paul describes is considerate toward his wife and family. Another word for considerate could be "thoughtful." He doesn't wait to be asked or nagged into doing something, but tries to anticipate his family's needs and meet them. If he can't anticipate them, he responds immediately to their needs. He thinks of his wife and ways he could make her happy. Perhaps he offers to help her with her chores, brings flowers, gets a babysitter, plans a night out, massages her back, runs her a bubble bath, buys her a favorite book or cd, or takes her to her favorite show. This husband knows his wife and uses that knowledge to anticipate and meet her needs.
• Loving: A Christian leader is most of all loving. They love their wives, and "love" is both an action and a feeling. It is not only one or the other, for this is an incomplete idea of love. Love must be a feeling--wanting to protect, cherish, and care for someone who is important to you. He wants to make her happy and keep her spiritually and emotionally healthy, and he feels happy being around her. Love is also an action--he must act loving, maybe even when he can't feel the emotion. He makes sacrifices so his loved one is cared for and feels cherished and needed. A Christian husband shows his wife love the way she understands it and wants it to be expressed, not when he feels like it and in the way he thinks she should want it.