Sex Before and After Marriage

It is with a heavy heart that I'm reading Paula Rinehart's Sex and the Soul of a Woman. It hurts me to read it, not because I don't agree with the book, but because it touches a hurt place deep inside me where my sexuality has been scarred and, I think sometimes, has died completely. I think for victims of emotional or sexual abuse, this is a common feeling.

I tried to read this book once before, but the feelings of guilt were too much. I was in a sexually sinful relationship with a man I thought loved me and whom I thought I loved. In that relationship, I was completely torn: God demanded purity and abstinence, and my boyfriend expected oral, manual, and anal sex. My brain and my soul couldn't comprehend how I could fulfill both expectations at once. I loved both, and I wanted to be able to please both. My heart and my body and my soul were pulled in two opposite directions, and I allowed that to go on for months and months. A year later, when I finally came stumbling out of that relationship, irreparable damage had been done to my sexuality and my heart. I didn't trust men anymore. I didn't have much of anything left to give a future husband. I was damaged goods, and I was reeling from the pain of the relationship, my loss of self-esteem, and my torn, bloody heart. Because that is what happens, when God pulls you one way and someone else grabs the other arm and tries to pull you the other way. You rip. With two opposing sides pulling you so hard, your heart and soul and body slowly starts to rip and tear and bleed. With luck, you get out of whatever relationship is trying to pull you from God and go the other direction. I didn't get out of mine for 12 months. At the end of that time, so much damage had been done from my heart being split in two opposite directions that years later, it is still scarred and tender. I'm not sure it will ever completely heal, although I trust my Lord Jesus that I will heal enough to live my life.

So while this book touches a sad, broken part of me, I still think it is good for me to read. It talks a lot about the pain women like me go through when our boyfriends and culture tell us that we are expected to be sexual. Even Christian boys may not expect you to have sex before marriage, but they sure do expect something. Sex is the price you pay in our society to be loved. It's expected. If you don't give it, a man can easily find scores of other women offering to give it. In a dog-eat-dog market, no wonder women give pieces of themselves away so quickly.

Once you are married, the sexual dilemma doesn't go away. What about all those pieces of your heart and sexuality you gave away to random men in the crowd as you slowly made you way to find your husband? What about those missing pieces? When you finally find The One, you're bleeding and weak and you have huge chunks of your sexuality missing, lost in the crowd. You can't get them back. So you try to have marital intimacy, but you only have half or a quarter of yourself to give. And every sexual encounter reminds you of the ones you had, the ones that hurt you, and the great sex you could have been having if you'd just made better decisions. You're broken, you're hurting, and it's all your own fault. Is it any wonder marital intimacy is so hard to find for Christian women in today's world?

I'm not sure the Bible even helps the matter. The Bible is very clear about sexual purity before marriage, but it is mostly silent on how to have great, spiritually intimate sex after marriage. Jesus doesn't mention it. The only time Paul really talks about it at all is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, in my opinion one of the most depressing passages for wives anywhere.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

This passage is really depressing to me. It says that sex, what is supposed to be one of the most wonderful, pleasurable, intimate, and loving things a married couple can experience together, is a "marital duty." Wow. Suddenly the fun is gone and sex is a duty. The woman doesn't even have the right to say whether or not her husband can penetrate her. Sex can either be one of the most wonderful, validating, fulfilling, bonding experiences in the world (making love) or one of the most horrible, painful, shameful, degrading experiences (rape/coercion). Rather than a woman inviting a man she loves and trusts into herself, this passage says she has the obligation to let her husband penetrate and invade her. And it's not better for the husbands. Rather than going to his wife in love and self-giving, he has to feel obligated to give it to her even if he doesn't want to share his body.

I believe the Bible is the Word of God, but this passage is hard for me. I've read commentaries that explain it. During that time, some pseudo-spiritual "Christians" were telling other Christians that the flesh was so sinful they should abstain from all fleshly pursuits. Sex, even among happily married couples, was out. Of course, that's not what God intended, so Paul heard about it and put an end to that in his letter. He told the believing Corinthians that such pseudo-spirituality was bogus, and married couples had no right to withhold sex from each other til they died in the pursuit of "higher spirituality." In fact, he told them, you should give yourself to your spouse as a sacrifice, even if you don't want it, so that your sexual needs are met and Satan can't tempt you.

I understand what Paul meant, but churches now interpret this to mean men and women can't say no to sex. What about people going through depression? What about people with chronic pain? What about marriages going through a hard time, when to give yourself to someone feels more like an invasion and less like a loving bond? Is sex good then?

In her book, Paula Rinehart talks about "the notion that a woman is a prize in her own right."

Marriage isn't the end of the pursuit. Many men seem to think you have to pursue a girl until you get the ring on her finger, but that isn't true. You have to pursue a woman's heart forever. Women need to be pursued, sought after, loved. They need to feel that they are worth the effort of the chase to a man. Even with her husband. Especially with her husband. She wants to be known deeply. She wants to be understood. She wants someone to look into the darkest corner of her heart, even the parts she is trying to shield from his eyes, and see what's there anyway. Someone who can look into those dusty corners, recognize what's there, and still look her in the eyes and tell her simply, "Who you are is beautiful."

But what happened to this idea that women are prizes? That each woman is a prize in her own right, because she is made in the image of God, with a particular purpose from God? Is her husband even aware of how this woman reflects God to the world? What her particular purposes are? What about her beauty, her personality, her heart, and her interests reflect God? We each reflect God in some way, and to each of us He has given us parts of Him that we show to the world. For this woman, what is she reflecting? Does her husband even care? Even think about this? If he knows, does he tell her that he knows? Does he tell other people? Is it apparent to this woman and those around her that he knows and treats her accordingly?

Paula Rinehart says that long ago, "so much more was required of a man."

He didn't have to just provide for her. He had to pursue her. Men now think that sex is a right, a gift that women owe them. Our culture tells them that they must have sex, and that it is impossible or abnormal to keep their sex drive in check. This message does a great disservice to men and to women. When a man believes he cannot or should not control his sex drive, but that pornography, masturbation, making out, lewd jokes and locker room stories, oral sex, feeling up, staring at girls' breasts, and seeing naked (or immodestly dressed) women in magazines and movies is normal and right, he acts accordingly. I've had boyfriends who could not stop masturbating every day, even when they tried. Others who explained sexual sin by saying they had "needs." The truth is, neither men nor women have sexual "needs." We have sexual "wants," but they are not needs like food or water or air. We will not die without them, no matter what our culture tries to tell us.

In her book, Ms. Rinehart says:

So much more was required of a man. He actually expected to have to court a woman's affection--sometimes riding the train for the day to see her for a few hours, expecting nothing more sexual than a kiss. When a man took a woman out, her care and good time were his responsibility.

What happened to this world, where men felt responsible to women to provide them with a good time, rather than feeling they were owed sexual favors? Most men don't expect sexual favors in exchange for paying for a date the first few dates, but after a few weeks or months of dating, sex (or some sexual activity) is required. I have acquaintances who believe "sex is important to a relationship." While that is absolutely, 100% true, these men take it to mean that a couple should have sex early to decide whether or not they are compatible. They see no purpose to dating, only to discover that they are not "sexually compatible" after a few months or years. They would rather have sex now to make sure the relationship "works" before they invest time or emotion into it.

This pervasive opinion is one of young Christian singles' worst enemies. When men and women think sex should come before time and emotion, they have misunderstood the entire basis of lifelong relationships. Sexual spark will come and go, but time and affection and mutual sacrifice will not. In fact, sexual spark can be encouraged or discouraged, and even the most physically unattractive person can grow to seem attractive and sexy if he has the right attitude, heart, and love and respect for a woman.

A Christian who tries to persuade his girlfriend that they should "mess around" because of his "needs" is not acting like Christ, who put the needs of His church before His own. A woman who believes she has nothing to offer men but her sexual favors, even if they are small ones like sexual making out, lewd sexual jokes, or revealing clothing, shows a basic misunderstanding of her God-given purpose in life. Her role is not to be a sexual object, the object of a man's entertainment or sexual pleasure, but his life mate and spiritual helpmeet, and a cherished, loved, and respected partner. Even after marriage, to make Christian couples feel that sex is an obligation rather than a Divine gift.... it seems to me this does not live up to God's creation of sex as a wonderful way for married couples to bond, express love, and create other living souls.