Coping Mechanisms for Victims of Abuse

If you or your partner has suffered from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse as a child, teen, or adult, you can bet that past trauma will affect your relationship now. Both children and adults have coping mechanisms to deal with stress. Some are positive coping mechanisms, such as exercise, meditation, or talking about conflict. Others are negative coping mechanisms, like drugs, alcohol, depression, or self-harm.

What are some of the symptoms of past abuse? These are also the coping mechanisms the victim has learned to rely on to deal with the stress. They may be (and often are!) unhealthy for that person and/or for the people around that person, but they are the only way the victim knows how to cope with the huge amounts of stress caused by abuse, and so the victim keeps doing it. Sometimes they may even become an abuser themselves.

Here are some of the coping mechanisms commonly used by abuse victims. See if any sound like you or your partner.

• Mental illnesses. Past victims of abuse may learn to direct all that negative energy inward (depression, anxiety, panic, self-harm) or outward (violent temper, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder). They may also simply separate themselves from reality (social anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis).
• Addictions. Abuse victims may turn to outside sources to deal with negative feelings and anxiety. The most obvious ones are drug and alcohol abuse, but they may also develop more "socially acceptable" addictions, such as addictions to relationships, shopping, food, smoking, workaholics, gambling, etc. When victims start relying on one of these to alleviate their stress, it is often a coping mechanism.
• Exaggerated Fight/Flight Response. It's a normal reaction to stress to have a burst of adrenaline that tells your body either to flee or fight. However, abuse victims develop an overactive fight/flight response. They are so prepared for something traumatic to happen that they overreact to everyday stressors or conflict. If your partner consistently overreacts to stress (yelling, screaming, fighting, loss of temper) or underreacts (becoming motionless, having panic attacks, abandoning a conversation at the first sign of conflict), their body is telling them that a small problem is really a Very Big Problem.
• Distorted Reactions to the World. Abuse victims often learn to cope with abuse by reacting against the abuse. Perhaps they will become distrustful and suspicious, paranoid, or afraid of being alone. Perhaps they fear any conflict or sense abandonment when there is none present. They may worry too much about what other's think of them or obsess over small details. These are all ways victims have developed to try to keep themselves safe from more abuse.
• Denial. Pretending the abuse didn't happen or was not serious, or denying their own strong negative feelings (like anger, rage, neediness, insecurity, or jealousy). The victim does not know how to deal with such strong negative emotions in a productive way because that was never modeled, and they simply try to pretend they don't occur.
• Splitting. This is a tendency to "polarize" others. They cannot be both good and bad at the same time, so a person is seen as either 100% good or 100% bad, depending on how the person acts and how the victim feels about the person.
• Passive-Aggression. Some victims get very aggressive, but others learn to show resentment and anger without appearing to show it. For instance, sulking, refusing to do something, or doing things to anger your partner but pretending you didn't know are all examples of this.
• Impulsiveness. Some victims become very impulsive, making spur-of-the-moment decisions without thought for the future. This can lead to promiscuity or dangerous decision making.
• Avoidance. If the victim can't deal with a problem or conflict, they will just ignore or avoid it. They may physically leave or avoid going home to see their parents for months, or they may pretend nothing is wrong to "cover up" the conflict.
• Rationalizing. This occurs when the victim intellectualizes or rationalizes the abuse. It wasn't so bad, or it only occurred because (insert reason here) occurred.
• Minimizing. The victim attempts to make the abuse seem less serious than it was, either through words or actions (such as smiling when talking about abuse).
• Control. Coming from an environment where the victim felt so completely out of control, the victim will often engage in a lifelong struggle to control everything! They hope this will make them safer. They want to control their environment (no surprises!) and the people around them and their own emotions. They want everything to be structured, controlled, and manageable. Strong emotions, either positive or negative, can be frightening to abuse victims.
• Low Self-Esteem. This one may seem obvious, but if someone else thought you were so worthless that they could abuse you for their own benefit, of course you might feel worthless as well. Many victims suffer from low self-esteem and worry a lot about what other people think of them, taking it very personally if one person dislikes them.
• Compliance. Some victims try to avoid conflict or being abandoned by giving in to everyone around them. These people are people pleasers to the extreme! They give in to their loved ones just so they will feel happy and not abuse or abandon the victim.
• Forgetting. Some abuse victims will temporarily forget the abuse even happened. When they remember, that can be very traumatic.
• Super-alertness. This symptom means the abuse victim is on high alert, all the time, waiting for something bad to happen! Their stress "fight or flight" syndrome is always going, ready for something bad to happen. This added stress can make them prone to being sick and tired from a lowered immune system.
• Busyness. Some victims keep themselves constantly busy so they don't have to deal with negative feelings. They lose themselves in their work or hobbies. This is also similar to workaholics, people who become addicted to their work.
• Manipulation. This is related to control. Abuse victims will sometimes attempt to manipulate or control those around them. They are trying to keep themselves "safe" by controlling the actions of those close to them.
• Lying. Some abuse victims become compulsive liars, especially if they were required to lie about the abuse during their childhood.
• Isolation from others. While some victims do to the other extreme, bouncing from relationship to relationship, others keep themselves "safe" by remaining isolated. They don't get very close to anyone and they may prefer to be alone where they know they can't be hurt.
• Nightmares or Lack of Sleep: Some people become so good at controlling their negative emotions when they are awake that they suffer from them coming out at night.
• Spacing Out. Some victims will actually have an "out of body" experience where they disconnect from their bodies during abuse (or perceived danger of abuse). They may feel like they're floating above their body, even watching the abuse happen to another person.
• Self-harm: People who attempt to self-harm may not be trying to hurt themselves, but just find a physical release for pent-up emotional baggage. This self-destructive behavior is, of course, not healthy, but some victims will feel so numb or negative that physical pain gives them release.
• Suicide. Suicide attempts are the final "coping mechanism" when all others fail and the victim sees no hope.

Of course, there are other coping mechanisms that victims can use to channel these negative emotions in a more positive way. For instance, meditation, calm breathing exercises, relaxation exercises, exercise, support groups, counseling, talking through problems, positive religion, and others can all be good ways victims can learn to handle their past abuse in a constructive and self-helping way.

Resouces:

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-coping-mechanisms.htm
http://www.power2u.org/articles/trauma/ment_cope.html
http://www.aaets.org/article184.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=9791&cn=353
http://www.csom.org/train/victim/2/material/Sect%202%20Handout%20-%20Coping%20Mechanisms.pdf
http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/CommonCoping.pdf
http://www.alcohol-addiction-info.com/Coping_Mechanisms_of_Codependents_of_Alcohol_Addiction.html