Understanding Abuse Survivors

If your partner has been abused, either as a child or an adult, it will affect your relationship. If you were not the partner who was abused, it will be difficult--maybe even impossible--for you to completely understand your partner's trauma, but research can help. Read the memories of one victim of abuse, Courtney:

My psyche and boundaries were very damaged and I did not realize that because of my upbringing and appearance I attracted sexual predators.

Sometimes I worry when I tell my husband or counselors about the many, many instances of small and large sexual abuses that people will assume I'm exaggerating what happened to me. How could one woman be the recipient of so much negative sexual attention? Well, perhaps I'm not crazy, maybe I don't imagine it (something I sometimes used to fear), maybe it's not my fault. Maybe, like Courtney, I attract a certain type of man.

When I was an adult, I was sexually assaulted in Greece. When I got out of the room, thanks to the intervention of God, I changed clothes immediately and called my mother. When I told her what happened, including that for a moment he let me go and changed out of his clothes, she said with a sigh and utter disappointment, "Oh, [my name], why didn't you run?"

I love my mother, but that right there solidifies everything we abuse survivors secretly fear might be true about ourselves: that we did something wrong, that we should have run when we had the chance, or dressed differently, or screamed, or not trusted the man to be alone with us, or not willingly gone into the hotel room, or that we did something to deserve this, at least partly. It's the most damaging thing our loved ones can say or do to us.

It made me feel better to read what Courtney said when she was in my situation:

Why I did not run out of the room I am not sure. Part of me felt immobilized.

In every survivor there is a child living in the adult. The child is hurt. The adult is trying to protect her, and often this means hiding her. We react with hostility when others try to get access to our inner child. Says the Soul Self Help:

It's the child in us who was hurt. It is the adult who remembers.

Because we try to protect that inner child and keep her from contact with the outside world, even people we love and trust, our boundaries can be blurred. That same article goes on to say:

The more often our boundaries have been violated in childhood, the greater difficulty we have differentiating ourselves from others and the more likely we'll become victims of continued sexual abuses. Blurred family boundaries in our...families cause us to feel stressed and confused when we try to identify our own limits and goals in relationships. Plagued with an identify a solid sense of ourselves, we doubt our own rights in relationships. We feel unsure. That uncertainty and lack of self often leaves us even more vulnerable to sexual, physical and emotional attack from others.

If your partner was abused, it's possible he or she has a difficult time understanding boundaries. She may worry too much about what other people think, or be unable to form her own opinion of herself without help from loved ones, acquaintances, or even strangers. Her self-esteem may fluctuate wildly because it depends on outside approval, not inner strength. On the other hand, she may have too strict of boundaries and be too rigid or unflexible with other people. Abuse survivors can become control freaks and perfectionists. They may prefer relationships with unhealthy levels of control or even abuse, and they may seek out codependent relationships.

A very major issue for survivors is that of boundaries. When one is so completely violated at a young age, at any age, for that matter, one is less aware if at all aware of one's right to individuation. One's sense of self and others is usually very blurred.

Do any of the following from Self Help Magazine sound like your partner?

I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again. --Tina, raped by her father as a child.

"My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I'm feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I'm uncomfortable with all that closeness. --Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen.

Victims of past sexual trauma will often show these symptoms:
•avoiding or being afraid of sex
•approaching sex as an obligation
•experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
•having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
•feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
•experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
•engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
•experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
•experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
•experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

Symptoms may not all be present, or they may come and go. They may go away for a while and then reappear.

The sex-ed section of the website Fascinations
has a good article that describes abuse:

When stuck inside the world of a trauma survivor, it can seem like nothing one can do will make any difference. It’s not going to be easy. There will be messiness, crying, and uncomfortable feelings, but those are all important steps in the process of healing. They just generally don’t feel good.

People who have been sexually assaulted may find that their minds and bodies don’t connect.

Marriage Teaching
goes on to say:

Most women who've been abused have trouble trusting their husbands. Basically, a man abused them, and so they don't trust any man. As part of the renewing of your mind, realize that your husband isn't the one who abused you. Therefore, you can trust him.

A very powerful Christian website that offers help and healing for Christian women (and men) who've been abused offers articles like Cure for Self Hate and The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused.

Whether you or your partner was the one who was abused, I would highly recommend checking them out. Sexual abuse can cause pain that will last for years and years; even if it isn't always there, it can come back.

If there is healing to be found, it will be found in Christ. Good luck on the journey!

Of course, this is easier said than done, but with counseling and self help and research on the subject, perhaps you can eventually heal.

Gender Roles in Christianity

Gender roles in Christianity are always a hot-button topic. Non-Christians and liberal Christians often see more fundamentalist Christians are being hopelessly backward, trying to force women to stay in the Middle Ages and deny them equality with men. More conservative Christians paint the more liberal movements as producing a mass generation of butch lesbians and women who care for nothing but their high-powered careers and enslaving men to watch their children.

A feminist is, according to WebNet, "a doctrine that advocates equal rights for women." Given this definition, I'd say most Westerners are feminists. I don't know many people who think women shouldn't vote, drive, or work.

On the other hand, there is a push in evangelical Christianity for women to be "submissive." Ahh, the dreaded S-word. Mentioned submission and most married Christian women in the room will assume shell-shocked expressions of outward compliance, while inwardly they are screaming, "I tried it and HELL NO, I will not be subjected to that again!" The single men will all look confused, and the married men in the room will do one of two things: if they've never tried it, they'll look smug and expectant, whereas if they and their wife have already tried it, they'll look tired and worn and settle into their seats with an air of sad expectancy.

The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood has this to say on gender roles:

Because of the widespread compromise of biblical understanding of manhood and womanhood and its tragic effects on the home and the church, these men and women established The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

In opposition to the growing movement of feminist egalitarianism they articulated what is now known as the complementarian position which affirms that men and women are equal in the image of God, but maintain complementary differences in role and function. In the home, men lovingly are to lead their wives and family as women intelligently are to submit to the leadership of their husbands. In the church, while men and women share equally in the blessings of salvation, some governing and teaching roles are restricted to men.

Where are all these men who are to lovingly and humbly lead their wives?

Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home.

Can I get an "Amen"?! What this means is that men do one of two things: 1. They do not lead effectively (I call this "asshold syndrome") or 2. they do not lead (I call this "wuss syndrome").

John Eldgredge has the same basic theory in his book Wild at Heart. He says that men tend to either hide their strength (sinning through passivity) or abuse their strength (sinning through domination). Men today do not know how to use their strength. They do not know that they are strong. They either dominate women or let women dominate them. Both of these are sins. The article What Should Be the Husband's Role in Marriage? has a great summary of Biblical leadership, including three rules for husbands: be a leader, be a servant, and be a lover.

For dads or dads-to-be, another great article for faithful fathers is Where Have All the Fathers Gone?: A Sobering Challenge for Dads.

But there was one thing I'm not sure about, as I was reading Wear the Pants MANifesto. This article says:

Men are not women. They are not genderless. They are not androgynous. They have an innate, God-given bent to initiate and be heroes. They want to untie the world from the tracks of complacency. They want to get their hands dirty. They want to answer the call of manhood. They want to be MEN.

This idea that men want to be men is echoed in Christian books such as Wild at Heart and P.B. Wilson's Liberated Through Submission. But while it's all well and good to believe that men all naturally want to be the kind of leaders and husbands and fathers this world is crying out for, I haven't seen that in my life. I have a whole host of men who prefer to be emotionally unavailable sexual predators. Men who want sex buddies and friends with benefits because they prefer that to the emotional cost of a relationship with a complex woman. Men who are passive, passive when they see their children being hit and passive when they see their wives called names, passive when their mothers are too controlling and passive when the bathroom sink needs to be fixed. Men who are lazy, men who do not keep their words, men who complain when life gives them "too much" responsibility. Men who like to be able to dominate a woman and pressure her into sex, rather than wait respectfully and honor her as a person. Men who prefer to make excuses and blame the woman for being a nag instead of taking the responsibility for their own failures. Men who don't fix the car, don't fix the broken toilet paper roll, don't spend time learning about women and relationships and emotions. Men who abandon their children, don't pay child support, or just watch too much tv. These men are not chomping at the bit for the very difficult responsibility of maintaining a happy, God-fearing home with a loved, emotionally satisfied wife and disciplined, healthy children.

And what happens when we wait and wait and our husbands never come through? We find that strength somewhere else, or we become passive and bitter and withdrawn, or we assume control ourselves and become Wifezillas. These are the choices men leave us.

I'd love to believe that all men want to be heroes. The Bible certainly suggests that men have that latent potential, or perhaps they used to before generations of war, rape, violence, aggression, passivity, and weakness bred that out of them. Just look at all the websites like CDD and Taken in Hand where women are just screaming out for their husbands to be the men the Bible talks about.

Do these men really exist?

I'm reminded, sadly, of the lyrics of Bonnie Tyler's song. I think it is the heart cry of many Christian women today. Christian women who want to be equal, but want someone to submit to, someone to love them, to lead them, to cherish them, to serve them, to discipline them, and to protect them.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night.

Some of these women will be holding out for the rest of their lives.

Losing Your Temper

It's so easy to lose your temper, especially at home with your spouse and children.

The Bible is clear that being angry isn't a sin, but how we handle it that is (Ephesians 4:26). The Bible says, "In your anger do not sin," not "Don't be angry for this is a sin."

Anger is a feeling we get when we feel that something important to us is being threatened. We have a surge of energy to protect this thing at all costs. This "thing" we're protecting may be a child or a loved one, our own ego, ourselves, an idea such as politics or religion, or our property. For whatever reason, this item is very important to us and we somehow sense that it is being threatened. Our body's reaction to this is to Get Angry! Anger is the name for the protective, intense feeling that floods our body when we sense something important to us is in danger.

There are two types of anger: good anger and bad anger.

Good anger is also called "righteous anger." Righteous anger means we are protecting something that needs to be protected. If you find out someone has hurt your child's feelings, you feel anger because you want to leap to her defense and protect her from the hurt. Righteous anger occurs when you want to protect something that is also a priority to God, such as protecting your family from physical and emotional harm, defending yourself from physical attack, defending your faith in Christ, or protecting materials that are rightfully yours.

Bad anger is when we either leap to protect something that isn't necessarily a priority to God, or when we overdo it in our attempts to protect an otherwise valid concern.

What are things that aren't a priority to God? That's between you and God, but just as an example I'd say: our own egos, small amounts of money or materials goods, and pointless religious or political discussions that go nowhere. There's really no point in getting angry and saying things you'll regret over health care reform, because health care reform, while important, has nothing to do with your eternal salvation. Focus your energy on things God cares about; don't make needless crusades for yourself.

The second type of non-righteous anger is when we overdo anger. Sure, it is legitimate to want to protect your body, ideas, and feelings, but most of us go overboard. Getting into a screaming match with your spouse over hurt feelings is neither godly nor a priority, but we humans often overreact.

If someone hurts your feelings and you punch them in the face, you overdid it. Although you are right to want to protect yourself, there are many ways you could have calmly and Biblically handled the situation, either by turning the other cheek or calmly asking the other person to stop, or simply removing yourself from the situation.

If you have a tendency to lose your temper, it might help to really get to the root of what you are trying to protect. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself:

• what thing that I care deeply about am I feeling is threatened right now?
• who do I feel is threatening it? Is this a valid feeling or simply an emotion without basis in fact?
• is this person trying to threaten something important to me, or am I misreading the message?
• is my feeling of anger justified, or am I overreacting?
• would this thing I'm trying to protect be a priority to God?
• am I going overboard in how much I am trying to protect this thing? (for instance, are you reacting as though the threat is much greater than it actually is?)
• will I say something unBiblical or unloving?
• do I need to take a break to think this through?

Often, if you dissect anger into its underlying parts (I feel a threat + the thing that is threatened is important to me + I feel the other person is threatening me on purpose = anger), it's easy to see that we're overreacting. Take this example:

David is having a talk with his wife Anna. Anna is criticizing David because he did not get the car fixed in a timely manner. He feels threatened and gets angry. Now, David has two ways he can look at this situation.

The most natural way to look at would be the following:

1. Anna is threatening my sense of self; she is saying I'm a bad husband, irresponsible, and worthless
2. She is threatening my ego, something I care very much about
3. She knows I'm busy and do my best, but she doesn't care, and she is trying to hurt me
4. I'M ANGRY!!!

But a better way to look at the situation would be like this:

1. I feel Anna is threatening my sense of self, but if I listen, she is only complaining about one small thing I did, not about me as a man
2. She is not threatening my ego or me as a person; she is explaining one small thing she was upset about
3. She knows I'm busy and do my best, and she is normally very caring and understanding. She must be very frustrated right now.
4. Anna loves me and is not trying to hurt me or insult me; she is venting and telling me how I can make her happier.
5. I FEEL UNDERSTANDING AND I CAN VALIDATE HER AND STAY CALM!

If you break down how you feel when you're angry, especially if you have a tendency to lose your temper, it probably looks and feels a lot like the first situation. If that's true, you are probably hyper-sensitive to criticism and are probably overreacting in your anger a lot. Try to model your thinking more like the second situation and it will be easier to stay calm, positive, and constructive during disagreements.

Good luck!

The Divorce Pill

Just one more reason I use Natural Family Planning, and I believe the Pill is bad for our bodies.

Aside from the stuff we already knew that the Pill (in all its various forms) can do to our bodies--stopped menstration, abort fetuses, thin uterine lining, cause strokes, cause weight loss or gain, precipitate moodiness, decrease sex drive), a new study shows the Pill actually causes women to be attracted to different types of men than before.

Wedekind did a study with women and smells. He found that women are attracted to men who have slightly different pheromones in their bodies than the women do. This combination of pheronome smells makes for healthier offspring, as well as the "connection" or "sexual sizzle" between two people.

Well, the Pill changes that.

It makes women repulsed by men whose pheromone levels they would naturally be most attracted to. It also makes women more attracted to men with a more similar pheromone. When the women begin or get off the Pill, suddenly they are no longer attracted to their previous partner.

Weird? Very weird. Just another reason I'm glad I use natural pregnancy prevention that works with my body the way God made it.

Etiquette with your Loved One or Spouse

I'm always amazed by the rudeness I see people exhibit toward the people they profess to most love and respect. If you can't treat your spouse or loved one with respect, it shows a severe lack of character.

Of course, most people aren't rude on purpose: they are rude because they don't know any better. I'm fixing that with this post. :)

An extreme example of rudeness is one I was horrified to watch one day after a floating trip. A sun-burnt and shirtless man, probably drunk after his alcoholic float down the river, was telling his girlfriend (wife?) off in a voice loud enough for me to hear and be appalled from 10 feet away. The conversation went something like this:

You know what? You're a stupid b**** and a c***. Go, I don't give a damn if you go. I'll just go home and if your s*** isn't there, I'll take it you've moved out, you stupid c***."

First off, you should never fight when you're tipsy or drunk. Drunk people are emotional, angry, violent, and sensitive. Deep conversations and fights should always be reserved for calm, sober times. Second, you never call your loved one those names. Sure, I might call my husband a jerk every once in a while, but we should never curse at our loved ones. If you do, take some time to think about your temper and work on controlling it. Words that take seconds to say will be remembered for years. Third, we should never threaten to leave or try to force the other one to leave. This is a controlling tactic ("Do it my way or else") and it isn't fair to the other person, no matter how tempting it may be (I know I try it periodically!).

Of course, I also have Christian friends who would never curse or yell at their girlfriends, but are still not polite toward them.

Men, you are with a lady, a sister in Christ, and a holy vessel of God's spirit. Treat her with respect and dignity. Ladies, you are with a warrior and a servant, a brother in Christ, your leader, provider, and protector. Society may be trying to confuse gender roles, but that is the way God created us.

Here are some basic courtesy and etiquette rules for interaction when dating or married:

1. Always say "please" and "thank you," even after years of dating when you know your request will be granted.
2. Acknowledge your loved one's presence when he or she returns home or enters a room.
3. When you get up to get yourself something, ask if your loved one would like anything as well.
4. Men open doors, double doors, and car doors for women.
5. Men seat women first, pulling out her chair if he so desires, and waiting until she is fully seated to seat himself.
6. Women order first at restaurants, OR the man orders for both of them, giving her order first.
7. Men should always assist the woman with taking off and putting on her coat.
8. The man should always walk on the outside of the street.
9. The woman allows him to enter buildings first. He leads the way into a store, through a restaurant, or into a movie theatre. Once he has chosen (or been shown) their seat, he stands aside to let her pass and allow her to be seated first.
10. Men should offer to help carry heavy loads without being asked.
11. Women should not dominate the conversation; neither should men. Share the spotlight!
12. Neither partner should share details of fights, relate stories that make the other person look bad/foolish, or share personal details of the partner's private life without asking (this includes medical issues, job issues, medications, family matters, etc.).

Treat your loved one with respect and courtesy!

Are We Witnessing?

If you're not part of a denomination that sometimes crams the need for witnessing down your throat (I'm thinking Baptists and other similar churches), it's possible that, like me, you're from a church that politely avoids mentioning your responsibility to witness at all.

Witnessing is an important but unpopular responsibility for Christians. Some of us try to ignore our duty to spread the Word of God at all (I know I do). Or, we say, "I witness with my lifestyle," as though a.) we are perfect enough to bring people to God on our own and b.) being a good person is enough to bring people to Christ. Well, neither of those are true: I sometimes shame the name of Christ with my behaviors and decisions, and I know many, many good people who are Muslims, Jews, Hindus, agnostics, atheists, pagans, or nothing. Being a good person, giving back to your community, and helping your fellow man are good things, but not enough to point people toward Christ in your life.

I confess I've not been witnessing very stringently in the last few years. People know I'm a Christian, but I don't invite them to church and I don't preach at them. I try to witness in small, subtle ways, but it's probably not strong enough to turn anybody away from the path of hell.

I was rudely awakened to the need for us to witness by the passage of Ezekial 3:16-21:

At the end of seven days the word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for [a] his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself.

"Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself."

This verse is pretty clear that we need to help our families and friends out of sin and into righteousness, as well as be open to that same correction when they lovingly correct us. Instead of getting defensive and pointing fingers of blame, as I am normally wont to do, we should understand that our families and friends are correcting us out of a genuine desire for us to stay on the "right path" and reach heaven someday. Of course, they should do it lovingly (see Ephesians 4:29), but we should also listen and be saved.

Why is witnessing to others so difficult and unpopular among Christians? Well, I think it's because some Christians go too far. We shouldn't be judgmental or hateful toward sinners; we should love them as God loves them. I'm sorry, but I never once saw Jesus treating the Samaritan woman or the adulteress with disrespect, standing on street corners yelling at them or holding a sign that said, "God will judge this world." I respect my brethren who do these things, for I trust they mean well, but I feel they are just creating a bigger divide between sinners and the church. Thumping them over the head with the Bible is never a way to get others to change.

When we witness, we don't want to come across as judgmental of the person (we only judge the sin), or as holier-than-thou. People don't want to be lectured to or threatened into being good by the threat of hell. Rather, we Christians should act out of love. If we take a genuine interest in our friends' lives, supporting them and loving them, they are much more likely to take gentle correction from a trusted friend than from a judgmental stranger. Be careful not to simply turn more people off from Christ.

On the other hand, Paul did not only speak a popular message. When it comes down to hell or heaven, we can't afford to stay silent and hope we draw people to Christ by our silence. Talk about God, talk about the Bible, and share what He has done for you in your life. Focus on yourself, not the other person. If you feel led to expose sin, do so in a loving way that is clear you are worried for the happiness of the person, not just worried about stopping the sin or judging the person.

I honestly don't think any people are brought to Christ by websites saying, "God hates gays" or "Muslims are going to hell." We must love people, show them the same love and grace Christ shows us, and thus bring them into the folds of the faithful.

How do you share Christ's love with the world?