Losing Your Temper

It's so easy to lose your temper, especially at home with your spouse and children.

The Bible is clear that being angry isn't a sin, but how we handle it that is (Ephesians 4:26). The Bible says, "In your anger do not sin," not "Don't be angry for this is a sin."

Anger is a feeling we get when we feel that something important to us is being threatened. We have a surge of energy to protect this thing at all costs. This "thing" we're protecting may be a child or a loved one, our own ego, ourselves, an idea such as politics or religion, or our property. For whatever reason, this item is very important to us and we somehow sense that it is being threatened. Our body's reaction to this is to Get Angry! Anger is the name for the protective, intense feeling that floods our body when we sense something important to us is in danger.

There are two types of anger: good anger and bad anger.

Good anger is also called "righteous anger." Righteous anger means we are protecting something that needs to be protected. If you find out someone has hurt your child's feelings, you feel anger because you want to leap to her defense and protect her from the hurt. Righteous anger occurs when you want to protect something that is also a priority to God, such as protecting your family from physical and emotional harm, defending yourself from physical attack, defending your faith in Christ, or protecting materials that are rightfully yours.

Bad anger is when we either leap to protect something that isn't necessarily a priority to God, or when we overdo it in our attempts to protect an otherwise valid concern.

What are things that aren't a priority to God? That's between you and God, but just as an example I'd say: our own egos, small amounts of money or materials goods, and pointless religious or political discussions that go nowhere. There's really no point in getting angry and saying things you'll regret over health care reform, because health care reform, while important, has nothing to do with your eternal salvation. Focus your energy on things God cares about; don't make needless crusades for yourself.

The second type of non-righteous anger is when we overdo anger. Sure, it is legitimate to want to protect your body, ideas, and feelings, but most of us go overboard. Getting into a screaming match with your spouse over hurt feelings is neither godly nor a priority, but we humans often overreact.

If someone hurts your feelings and you punch them in the face, you overdid it. Although you are right to want to protect yourself, there are many ways you could have calmly and Biblically handled the situation, either by turning the other cheek or calmly asking the other person to stop, or simply removing yourself from the situation.

If you have a tendency to lose your temper, it might help to really get to the root of what you are trying to protect. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself:

• what thing that I care deeply about am I feeling is threatened right now?
• who do I feel is threatening it? Is this a valid feeling or simply an emotion without basis in fact?
• is this person trying to threaten something important to me, or am I misreading the message?
• is my feeling of anger justified, or am I overreacting?
• would this thing I'm trying to protect be a priority to God?
• am I going overboard in how much I am trying to protect this thing? (for instance, are you reacting as though the threat is much greater than it actually is?)
• will I say something unBiblical or unloving?
• do I need to take a break to think this through?

Often, if you dissect anger into its underlying parts (I feel a threat + the thing that is threatened is important to me + I feel the other person is threatening me on purpose = anger), it's easy to see that we're overreacting. Take this example:

David is having a talk with his wife Anna. Anna is criticizing David because he did not get the car fixed in a timely manner. He feels threatened and gets angry. Now, David has two ways he can look at this situation.

The most natural way to look at would be the following:

1. Anna is threatening my sense of self; she is saying I'm a bad husband, irresponsible, and worthless
2. She is threatening my ego, something I care very much about
3. She knows I'm busy and do my best, but she doesn't care, and she is trying to hurt me
4. I'M ANGRY!!!

But a better way to look at the situation would be like this:

1. I feel Anna is threatening my sense of self, but if I listen, she is only complaining about one small thing I did, not about me as a man
2. She is not threatening my ego or me as a person; she is explaining one small thing she was upset about
3. She knows I'm busy and do my best, and she is normally very caring and understanding. She must be very frustrated right now.
4. Anna loves me and is not trying to hurt me or insult me; she is venting and telling me how I can make her happier.
5. I FEEL UNDERSTANDING AND I CAN VALIDATE HER AND STAY CALM!

If you break down how you feel when you're angry, especially if you have a tendency to lose your temper, it probably looks and feels a lot like the first situation. If that's true, you are probably hyper-sensitive to criticism and are probably overreacting in your anger a lot. Try to model your thinking more like the second situation and it will be easier to stay calm, positive, and constructive during disagreements.

Good luck!