Understanding Abuse Survivors

If your partner has been abused, either as a child or an adult, it will affect your relationship. If you were not the partner who was abused, it will be difficult--maybe even impossible--for you to completely understand your partner's trauma, but research can help. Read the memories of one victim of abuse, Courtney:

My psyche and boundaries were very damaged and I did not realize that because of my upbringing and appearance I attracted sexual predators.

Sometimes I worry when I tell my husband or counselors about the many, many instances of small and large sexual abuses that people will assume I'm exaggerating what happened to me. How could one woman be the recipient of so much negative sexual attention? Well, perhaps I'm not crazy, maybe I don't imagine it (something I sometimes used to fear), maybe it's not my fault. Maybe, like Courtney, I attract a certain type of man.

When I was an adult, I was sexually assaulted in Greece. When I got out of the room, thanks to the intervention of God, I changed clothes immediately and called my mother. When I told her what happened, including that for a moment he let me go and changed out of his clothes, she said with a sigh and utter disappointment, "Oh, [my name], why didn't you run?"

I love my mother, but that right there solidifies everything we abuse survivors secretly fear might be true about ourselves: that we did something wrong, that we should have run when we had the chance, or dressed differently, or screamed, or not trusted the man to be alone with us, or not willingly gone into the hotel room, or that we did something to deserve this, at least partly. It's the most damaging thing our loved ones can say or do to us.

It made me feel better to read what Courtney said when she was in my situation:

Why I did not run out of the room I am not sure. Part of me felt immobilized.

In every survivor there is a child living in the adult. The child is hurt. The adult is trying to protect her, and often this means hiding her. We react with hostility when others try to get access to our inner child. Says the Soul Self Help:

It's the child in us who was hurt. It is the adult who remembers.

Because we try to protect that inner child and keep her from contact with the outside world, even people we love and trust, our boundaries can be blurred. That same article goes on to say:

The more often our boundaries have been violated in childhood, the greater difficulty we have differentiating ourselves from others and the more likely we'll become victims of continued sexual abuses. Blurred family boundaries in our...families cause us to feel stressed and confused when we try to identify our own limits and goals in relationships. Plagued with an identify a solid sense of ourselves, we doubt our own rights in relationships. We feel unsure. That uncertainty and lack of self often leaves us even more vulnerable to sexual, physical and emotional attack from others.

If your partner was abused, it's possible he or she has a difficult time understanding boundaries. She may worry too much about what other people think, or be unable to form her own opinion of herself without help from loved ones, acquaintances, or even strangers. Her self-esteem may fluctuate wildly because it depends on outside approval, not inner strength. On the other hand, she may have too strict of boundaries and be too rigid or unflexible with other people. Abuse survivors can become control freaks and perfectionists. They may prefer relationships with unhealthy levels of control or even abuse, and they may seek out codependent relationships.

A very major issue for survivors is that of boundaries. When one is so completely violated at a young age, at any age, for that matter, one is less aware if at all aware of one's right to individuation. One's sense of self and others is usually very blurred.

Do any of the following from Self Help Magazine sound like your partner?

I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again. --Tina, raped by her father as a child.

"My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I'm feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I'm uncomfortable with all that closeness. --Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen.

Victims of past sexual trauma will often show these symptoms:
•avoiding or being afraid of sex
•approaching sex as an obligation
•experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
•having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
•feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
•experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
•engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
•experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
•experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
•experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

Symptoms may not all be present, or they may come and go. They may go away for a while and then reappear.

The sex-ed section of the website Fascinations
has a good article that describes abuse:

When stuck inside the world of a trauma survivor, it can seem like nothing one can do will make any difference. It’s not going to be easy. There will be messiness, crying, and uncomfortable feelings, but those are all important steps in the process of healing. They just generally don’t feel good.

People who have been sexually assaulted may find that their minds and bodies don’t connect.

Marriage Teaching
goes on to say:

Most women who've been abused have trouble trusting their husbands. Basically, a man abused them, and so they don't trust any man. As part of the renewing of your mind, realize that your husband isn't the one who abused you. Therefore, you can trust him.

A very powerful Christian website that offers help and healing for Christian women (and men) who've been abused offers articles like Cure for Self Hate and The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused.

Whether you or your partner was the one who was abused, I would highly recommend checking them out. Sexual abuse can cause pain that will last for years and years; even if it isn't always there, it can come back.

If there is healing to be found, it will be found in Christ. Good luck on the journey!

Of course, this is easier said than done, but with counseling and self help and research on the subject, perhaps you can eventually heal.