Gender Roles in Christianity

Gender roles in Christianity are always a hot-button topic. Non-Christians and liberal Christians often see more fundamentalist Christians are being hopelessly backward, trying to force women to stay in the Middle Ages and deny them equality with men. More conservative Christians paint the more liberal movements as producing a mass generation of butch lesbians and women who care for nothing but their high-powered careers and enslaving men to watch their children.

A feminist is, according to WebNet, "a doctrine that advocates equal rights for women." Given this definition, I'd say most Westerners are feminists. I don't know many people who think women shouldn't vote, drive, or work.

On the other hand, there is a push in evangelical Christianity for women to be "submissive." Ahh, the dreaded S-word. Mentioned submission and most married Christian women in the room will assume shell-shocked expressions of outward compliance, while inwardly they are screaming, "I tried it and HELL NO, I will not be subjected to that again!" The single men will all look confused, and the married men in the room will do one of two things: if they've never tried it, they'll look smug and expectant, whereas if they and their wife have already tried it, they'll look tired and worn and settle into their seats with an air of sad expectancy.

The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood has this to say on gender roles:

Because of the widespread compromise of biblical understanding of manhood and womanhood and its tragic effects on the home and the church, these men and women established The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

In opposition to the growing movement of feminist egalitarianism they articulated what is now known as the complementarian position which affirms that men and women are equal in the image of God, but maintain complementary differences in role and function. In the home, men lovingly are to lead their wives and family as women intelligently are to submit to the leadership of their husbands. In the church, while men and women share equally in the blessings of salvation, some governing and teaching roles are restricted to men.

Where are all these men who are to lovingly and humbly lead their wives?

Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home.

Can I get an "Amen"?! What this means is that men do one of two things: 1. They do not lead effectively (I call this "asshold syndrome") or 2. they do not lead (I call this "wuss syndrome").

John Eldgredge has the same basic theory in his book Wild at Heart. He says that men tend to either hide their strength (sinning through passivity) or abuse their strength (sinning through domination). Men today do not know how to use their strength. They do not know that they are strong. They either dominate women or let women dominate them. Both of these are sins. The article What Should Be the Husband's Role in Marriage? has a great summary of Biblical leadership, including three rules for husbands: be a leader, be a servant, and be a lover.

For dads or dads-to-be, another great article for faithful fathers is Where Have All the Fathers Gone?: A Sobering Challenge for Dads.

But there was one thing I'm not sure about, as I was reading Wear the Pants MANifesto. This article says:

Men are not women. They are not genderless. They are not androgynous. They have an innate, God-given bent to initiate and be heroes. They want to untie the world from the tracks of complacency. They want to get their hands dirty. They want to answer the call of manhood. They want to be MEN.

This idea that men want to be men is echoed in Christian books such as Wild at Heart and P.B. Wilson's Liberated Through Submission. But while it's all well and good to believe that men all naturally want to be the kind of leaders and husbands and fathers this world is crying out for, I haven't seen that in my life. I have a whole host of men who prefer to be emotionally unavailable sexual predators. Men who want sex buddies and friends with benefits because they prefer that to the emotional cost of a relationship with a complex woman. Men who are passive, passive when they see their children being hit and passive when they see their wives called names, passive when their mothers are too controlling and passive when the bathroom sink needs to be fixed. Men who are lazy, men who do not keep their words, men who complain when life gives them "too much" responsibility. Men who like to be able to dominate a woman and pressure her into sex, rather than wait respectfully and honor her as a person. Men who prefer to make excuses and blame the woman for being a nag instead of taking the responsibility for their own failures. Men who don't fix the car, don't fix the broken toilet paper roll, don't spend time learning about women and relationships and emotions. Men who abandon their children, don't pay child support, or just watch too much tv. These men are not chomping at the bit for the very difficult responsibility of maintaining a happy, God-fearing home with a loved, emotionally satisfied wife and disciplined, healthy children.

And what happens when we wait and wait and our husbands never come through? We find that strength somewhere else, or we become passive and bitter and withdrawn, or we assume control ourselves and become Wifezillas. These are the choices men leave us.

I'd love to believe that all men want to be heroes. The Bible certainly suggests that men have that latent potential, or perhaps they used to before generations of war, rape, violence, aggression, passivity, and weakness bred that out of them. Just look at all the websites like CDD and Taken in Hand where women are just screaming out for their husbands to be the men the Bible talks about.

Do these men really exist?

I'm reminded, sadly, of the lyrics of Bonnie Tyler's song. I think it is the heart cry of many Christian women today. Christian women who want to be equal, but want someone to submit to, someone to love them, to lead them, to cherish them, to serve them, to discipline them, and to protect them.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night.

Some of these women will be holding out for the rest of their lives.