Do Men Need Sex?

Our society tells men that not only should they want, desire, and pursue sex, but their bodies need sex. That's right, just like fish need water and humans need sleep and food, men need sex. Without it, terrible things might happen, like you'd have an unfulfilled sex drive. No one claims something awful will happen, like your testicles will explode or your penis will fall off or you will lose the ability to father children. Some people claim a man who is not getting sex will feel grumpy or unfulfilled. Well, when I'm not shopping I feel grumpy and unfulfilled, but that doesn't mean shopping is a need for me. Lack of sex does not hurt men in any way, physically or emotionally.

Needs, to me, are things necessary for our well-being and survival. We need food, water, shelter, protection, and air. Without these, we will die or become sick. Wants, on the other hand, may make us uncomfortable or grouchy if they're not fulfilled, but we won't die. Yet in our society, wants are often confused with needs. If you want something a lot, think about it a lot, and whine about not having it a lot, people tell you it's a need. That's simply not true. You won't die without a new computer, no matter how much you want it, and you won't die without sex. Moreover, your quality of life will not decrease without sex. Sex isn't a need. It's a drive, and it's a want, and it can be a gift from God, but it's not a need.

Even medical articles and Christian books (usually written by men) will tell us: Men Need Sex. It's a biological drive (true), and it's unstoppable (false). Abstaining from sex is unhealthy and unnatural (also false). I've heard people blame all sorts of things on lack of sex or masturbation, such as rape or terrible cases of pedophilic priests. I blame these things on a fallen world and men giving in to their sinful temptations, not lack of sex.

Of course, there are statistics that clearly show that men may desire and pursue sex more than women. For instance:

• studies show men think about sex more often than women


• 66% of men masturabte, compared to 40% of women


• men masturbate more frequently than women


• men are more likely to seek out sex

But does this mean sex is a need? Or simply that in our "I want it and I want it NOW!" culture of instant gratification, people are confusing wants with needs? Just because a man may want sex more does not give him the right to claim sexual gratification is a need that he deserves to have fulfilled.

Researching for this blog post, I found many articles claiming that men need sex, either for physical or emotional reasons. Most of these were geared toward women, as though telling women that men NEED sexual intercourse should make us feel guilty for having standards, waiting for love and a marriage commitment, or like we owe it to men to put out.

One article said most men need sex to connect, as though men are inferior creature incapable of understanding emotions and intuition. Therefore, women should give men sex so they, too, can "connect" emotionally. The article said:

Men view sex as the true expression of love and usually think a relationship hasn't even started until it includes sex. One single man told the singles' publication SOLO that he doesn't really believe a woman loves him until they have sex. He said, "She can think she is showing love to me in many ways from cooking for me to waiting on me. But until we have sex, I do not feel loved."

So, the relationship does start until the man gets sex. This is absolute hogwash. How do I know? Well, to sound like a fundamentalist, because the Bible says. God created men, God created relationships, and God created sex. Therefore, I trust what He has to say about the matter. And He says that sex is good, but should be saved for a monogamous relationship within a lifelong marriage. If God created men and their sex drives, but still commands them to wait until marriage, then I believe that is just what men should do. They don't need sex. They don't need sex to connect, or to feel fulfilled, or to give or receive love to a women. Sex is a gift, not a right.

Well, of course if you tell men that it is unnatural and unhealthy for them to abstain from sex, they're going to believe it. But my question is, does society tell men they need sex, and do they believe it? I think most men today are sex maniacs because it's expected of them. I hear horror stories of parents who give their teenage sons pornography because it's "natural." Parents who allow their high school sons and daughters to have nighttime visitors of the opposite sex so they can "experience sex with no guilt." It's one thing for a parent to teach a teen that sex before marriage is wrong, but remain open and loving if they make bad decisions. It's another thing entirely to encourage those bad decisions and pretend they are good or natural.

Another article says:

Both men and women may desire sex but only men need sex. This is one of the crucial differences between men and women, a fact that very few men and fewer women know.

Just another example of our sex-crazed society trying to convince men they deserve sex in relationships, as opposed to earning the right to make love to your future wife by respecting her and obeying God. The article explains that men have seminal vesicles that make ejaculate and, when it is ready, send testosterone to the brain to trigger men to act more sexually. This is, in fact, true. The body wants release, and sends chemicals to the brain that make men more likely to want sex. But this doesn't mean they will get sick or hurt their bodies if they don't get sex. In fact, if a man's body has too much pressure on it and the man does not give in to his desire for sex or masturbation, the body can release the pressure through wet dreams--and the man has not committed any moral wrongs. But to imply that just because men want sex means that they need it is not only false, but a blatant contradiction of God Himself, who tells us to wait until marriage.

What if a married man has a sick or paralyzed wife? What if he is deployed and must live apart from his wife for years? If those who claim that men need sex are correct, this would mean he would have no choice but to cheat on his wife. We all know this is false, and a man who is physically unable to make love to his wife is still morally responsible to be faithful to her. In other words, he is required to abstain.

Let's take a good, hard look at what our society says about men and their so-called need for sex, with our Hooters and magazines and tv shows and medical articles about liberated sex. If our culture is to be believed, what does that say about men in general?

• they are controlled by their penises, rather than by God, by their hearts, morals, or minds


• they want to use women for their own pleasure


• they are inherently selfish, and use relationships to meet their own needs rather than to show Christlike love to their partners


• they lose their innocence as soon as they hit puberty, probably around 13 years old


• they have the right to disrespect strangers by looking at and jacking off to videos or pictures of them naked or in lingerie/bikinis


• they have a right to expect sexual favors from women in relationships with them, rather than giving of themselves to the woman. If the woman does not "deliver," men will just find someone else to meet their needs and end up cheating on the woman


• if their wives are sick, far away, pregnant, nursing, or otherwise unable to have sex, men will either be grouchy and unhappy or end up being cheaters


• wives and girlfriends owe men the use of their bodies as sexual objects because men "need" it, rather than reserving sex for a bonding and loving experience of self-giving


• men are emotional idiots who cannot understand emotions and therefore need sex to connect to women


• God, who created men, was wrong about the need for men to abstain until marriage


• God, who created sex, clearly had no idea what sex was about when he created rules about sex for our safety. We humans understand sex better than God, creator of sex Himself.


• men should be expected to be sex-hungry maniacs or else cheating scumbags


• men cannot and should not be selfless in bed


• relationships are meant for men's physical pleasure


• all men masturbate. If they don't, they are either sexually repressed or lying about it.


• Porn, erotica, strip clubs, and other things that fly in the face of all Christ taught us are normal and okay


• men shouldn't rape women, but it's okay to expect sex, and if a woman doesn't want to give it, it's okay to pressure her, complain, whine, beg, coerce, give her guilt trips, or leave her

If we look closely at the messages society sends us about men and sex, these are the messages. Oh, our culture tries to hide the messages under a blanket of "pleasure and fun for all!" and the idea that sex can be enjoyed without regard for the risks of STDs, pregnancy, sin, separation from God, and heartache. But deep beneath the messages, everyone who claims sexual liberation for men is really implying that men are ruled by their sex drive and incapable of connecting to women without intercourse.

Of course, we know that isn't true. We know men are created in God's own image. Men have souls, brains, hearts, and (gasp) even emotions. They are capable of great love and great daring. They can be brave, loving, selfless, giving, responsible, faithful, and obedient. They are leaders, warriors, and kings. They can be righteous and they can be noble. They are co-heirs with Jesus Christ to the very kingdom of heaven. They are not idiots, not ruled by sex, and not soulless and mindless sex maniacs who use woman. No matter what our culture tries to say about them, we know that God created them with the potential to be something more.

We know this because God tells us so in the Bible. We know this because we see this incarnate in the man Jesus Christ, who lived on this earth, walked our dusty roads, and never gave in to the temptation to have sex outside of marriage. Even without sex, Jesus was happy, successful, and holy. He gave Himself completely, selflessly, and wholly for those He loved, and He didn't make them trade sexual favors in return for His generosity.

If Jesus is what our men can be, why is society's view of what men are so different?

I think it's because we live in a fallen world, and this is just one more way Satan tries to drag us away from God and into sin. By making men (and women) believe that men have insatiable sex drives that must be fulfilled, he gives us an easy excuse for promiscuity, immodesty, fornication, adultery, sexual immorality, pornography, erotica, lewdness, coarse joking, and a host of other things that the Bible says clearly are sins. In essence, we make sex an idol. We make sex something it was never intended to be: a need, a right, an uncontrollable urge, a desire for selfishness.

Be careful of making sex an idol in your life. Do you use it for the glory of God, to honor Him and His commands, and to show Christlike, selfless love to your spouse? Or do you use it for your own pleasure or as a cheap fix for your relationships? Because remember, Jesus will come back. For those who live in righteousness and honor God with their lives, an eternity with God awaits. For those who believed Satan's and society's lies about sex, men, and love, there can be no happiness in the next life. Make sure you follow God's Word and no other.

I'll close with a verse from Revelations 22:14:

"Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the
tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs,
those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the
idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood."

Articles I used for this blog:

Sex Drive: How Do Man and Women Differ?

Why Men Need Sex

Men and Sex for Women

What Women Need to Know About Men's Sexual Health

Sex Before and After Marriage

It is with a heavy heart that I'm reading Paula Rinehart's Sex and the Soul of a Woman. It hurts me to read it, not because I don't agree with the book, but because it touches a hurt place deep inside me where my sexuality has been scarred and, I think sometimes, has died completely. I think for victims of emotional or sexual abuse, this is a common feeling.

I tried to read this book once before, but the feelings of guilt were too much. I was in a sexually sinful relationship with a man I thought loved me and whom I thought I loved. In that relationship, I was completely torn: God demanded purity and abstinence, and my boyfriend expected oral, manual, and anal sex. My brain and my soul couldn't comprehend how I could fulfill both expectations at once. I loved both, and I wanted to be able to please both. My heart and my body and my soul were pulled in two opposite directions, and I allowed that to go on for months and months. A year later, when I finally came stumbling out of that relationship, irreparable damage had been done to my sexuality and my heart. I didn't trust men anymore. I didn't have much of anything left to give a future husband. I was damaged goods, and I was reeling from the pain of the relationship, my loss of self-esteem, and my torn, bloody heart. Because that is what happens, when God pulls you one way and someone else grabs the other arm and tries to pull you the other way. You rip. With two opposing sides pulling you so hard, your heart and soul and body slowly starts to rip and tear and bleed. With luck, you get out of whatever relationship is trying to pull you from God and go the other direction. I didn't get out of mine for 12 months. At the end of that time, so much damage had been done from my heart being split in two opposite directions that years later, it is still scarred and tender. I'm not sure it will ever completely heal, although I trust my Lord Jesus that I will heal enough to live my life.

So while this book touches a sad, broken part of me, I still think it is good for me to read. It talks a lot about the pain women like me go through when our boyfriends and culture tell us that we are expected to be sexual. Even Christian boys may not expect you to have sex before marriage, but they sure do expect something. Sex is the price you pay in our society to be loved. It's expected. If you don't give it, a man can easily find scores of other women offering to give it. In a dog-eat-dog market, no wonder women give pieces of themselves away so quickly.

Once you are married, the sexual dilemma doesn't go away. What about all those pieces of your heart and sexuality you gave away to random men in the crowd as you slowly made you way to find your husband? What about those missing pieces? When you finally find The One, you're bleeding and weak and you have huge chunks of your sexuality missing, lost in the crowd. You can't get them back. So you try to have marital intimacy, but you only have half or a quarter of yourself to give. And every sexual encounter reminds you of the ones you had, the ones that hurt you, and the great sex you could have been having if you'd just made better decisions. You're broken, you're hurting, and it's all your own fault. Is it any wonder marital intimacy is so hard to find for Christian women in today's world?

I'm not sure the Bible even helps the matter. The Bible is very clear about sexual purity before marriage, but it is mostly silent on how to have great, spiritually intimate sex after marriage. Jesus doesn't mention it. The only time Paul really talks about it at all is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, in my opinion one of the most depressing passages for wives anywhere.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

This passage is really depressing to me. It says that sex, what is supposed to be one of the most wonderful, pleasurable, intimate, and loving things a married couple can experience together, is a "marital duty." Wow. Suddenly the fun is gone and sex is a duty. The woman doesn't even have the right to say whether or not her husband can penetrate her. Sex can either be one of the most wonderful, validating, fulfilling, bonding experiences in the world (making love) or one of the most horrible, painful, shameful, degrading experiences (rape/coercion). Rather than a woman inviting a man she loves and trusts into herself, this passage says she has the obligation to let her husband penetrate and invade her. And it's not better for the husbands. Rather than going to his wife in love and self-giving, he has to feel obligated to give it to her even if he doesn't want to share his body.

I believe the Bible is the Word of God, but this passage is hard for me. I've read commentaries that explain it. During that time, some pseudo-spiritual "Christians" were telling other Christians that the flesh was so sinful they should abstain from all fleshly pursuits. Sex, even among happily married couples, was out. Of course, that's not what God intended, so Paul heard about it and put an end to that in his letter. He told the believing Corinthians that such pseudo-spirituality was bogus, and married couples had no right to withhold sex from each other til they died in the pursuit of "higher spirituality." In fact, he told them, you should give yourself to your spouse as a sacrifice, even if you don't want it, so that your sexual needs are met and Satan can't tempt you.

I understand what Paul meant, but churches now interpret this to mean men and women can't say no to sex. What about people going through depression? What about people with chronic pain? What about marriages going through a hard time, when to give yourself to someone feels more like an invasion and less like a loving bond? Is sex good then?

In her book, Paula Rinehart talks about "the notion that a woman is a prize in her own right."

Marriage isn't the end of the pursuit. Many men seem to think you have to pursue a girl until you get the ring on her finger, but that isn't true. You have to pursue a woman's heart forever. Women need to be pursued, sought after, loved. They need to feel that they are worth the effort of the chase to a man. Even with her husband. Especially with her husband. She wants to be known deeply. She wants to be understood. She wants someone to look into the darkest corner of her heart, even the parts she is trying to shield from his eyes, and see what's there anyway. Someone who can look into those dusty corners, recognize what's there, and still look her in the eyes and tell her simply, "Who you are is beautiful."

But what happened to this idea that women are prizes? That each woman is a prize in her own right, because she is made in the image of God, with a particular purpose from God? Is her husband even aware of how this woman reflects God to the world? What her particular purposes are? What about her beauty, her personality, her heart, and her interests reflect God? We each reflect God in some way, and to each of us He has given us parts of Him that we show to the world. For this woman, what is she reflecting? Does her husband even care? Even think about this? If he knows, does he tell her that he knows? Does he tell other people? Is it apparent to this woman and those around her that he knows and treats her accordingly?

Paula Rinehart says that long ago, "so much more was required of a man."

He didn't have to just provide for her. He had to pursue her. Men now think that sex is a right, a gift that women owe them. Our culture tells them that they must have sex, and that it is impossible or abnormal to keep their sex drive in check. This message does a great disservice to men and to women. When a man believes he cannot or should not control his sex drive, but that pornography, masturbation, making out, lewd jokes and locker room stories, oral sex, feeling up, staring at girls' breasts, and seeing naked (or immodestly dressed) women in magazines and movies is normal and right, he acts accordingly. I've had boyfriends who could not stop masturbating every day, even when they tried. Others who explained sexual sin by saying they had "needs." The truth is, neither men nor women have sexual "needs." We have sexual "wants," but they are not needs like food or water or air. We will not die without them, no matter what our culture tries to tell us.

In her book, Ms. Rinehart says:

So much more was required of a man. He actually expected to have to court a woman's affection--sometimes riding the train for the day to see her for a few hours, expecting nothing more sexual than a kiss. When a man took a woman out, her care and good time were his responsibility.

What happened to this world, where men felt responsible to women to provide them with a good time, rather than feeling they were owed sexual favors? Most men don't expect sexual favors in exchange for paying for a date the first few dates, but after a few weeks or months of dating, sex (or some sexual activity) is required. I have acquaintances who believe "sex is important to a relationship." While that is absolutely, 100% true, these men take it to mean that a couple should have sex early to decide whether or not they are compatible. They see no purpose to dating, only to discover that they are not "sexually compatible" after a few months or years. They would rather have sex now to make sure the relationship "works" before they invest time or emotion into it.

This pervasive opinion is one of young Christian singles' worst enemies. When men and women think sex should come before time and emotion, they have misunderstood the entire basis of lifelong relationships. Sexual spark will come and go, but time and affection and mutual sacrifice will not. In fact, sexual spark can be encouraged or discouraged, and even the most physically unattractive person can grow to seem attractive and sexy if he has the right attitude, heart, and love and respect for a woman.

A Christian who tries to persuade his girlfriend that they should "mess around" because of his "needs" is not acting like Christ, who put the needs of His church before His own. A woman who believes she has nothing to offer men but her sexual favors, even if they are small ones like sexual making out, lewd sexual jokes, or revealing clothing, shows a basic misunderstanding of her God-given purpose in life. Her role is not to be a sexual object, the object of a man's entertainment or sexual pleasure, but his life mate and spiritual helpmeet, and a cherished, loved, and respected partner. Even after marriage, to make Christian couples feel that sex is an obligation rather than a Divine gift.... it seems to me this does not live up to God's creation of sex as a wonderful way for married couples to bond, express love, and create other living souls.

Leadership Qualities for a Man

While both men and women can be leaders (in parenting, in the workforce, in their communities, and in politics), in homes it is the man who is called to lead. This doesn't mean he has to boss his wife around, or even that he can't delegate some tasks to her. But in today's society, many men are not taught how to lead. They are taught to be passive and to take orders, or else to fight and gain what they want through intimidation or violence. Many men don't know what it takes to be a leader.

What are some characteristics of a Christian male leader? Whether a Christian man is called to leadership in his job, community, hobbies, church, friends, or family, some characteristics remain the same.

Let's look at 1 Timothy 3, a great passage about male leadership. Paul is writing to his protoge, Timothy, about the qualifications for men wanting to be deacons (translated "overseers" in the NIV version) in the Church. Since a deacon is clearly a position of leadership, these characteristics describe what Paul saw as the ideal Christian leader.

Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap. Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. -1 Timothy 3:2-9

In 1 Peter 3:7, Paul gives further instructions to husbands leading their wives and families:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat
them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious
gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Colossians 3:19 has further instructions for husbands:

Love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Paul gives several criteria for male leaders. Here they are:

• Moral: Paul says that leaders should make good moral and ethical decisions. Decisions should be based on the Bible and made after careful thought, prayer, and Bible study, not based on a feeling or your own desires. Husbands should ask not what they want, but what decision will be best for their wives and families. Paul gives some specifics; a husband should not be divorced, so should be faithful to his wife. He shouldn't quarrel and should control his temper. He should not seek money but eternal rewards. He should be honest with everyone, even when it is difficult or may have negative consequences for your job or relationships. A good Christian leader is first of all moral. He does what is right, not partly right or half-heartedly, but 100%, no matter the consequences or how unpopular that decision may make him.
• Good leadership skills: A leader should exhibit good leadership skills. Not only should he manage his wife and children, but outsiders should respect him. That means he is a capable, strong leader both within and without his home. He leads his wife and children, his friends, his family, his coworkers, his church members, and all the groups he is part of. People look up to him as an example of a godly, moral man and come to him for advice and help. People trust him and follow his example, which should be completely righteous in the way he lives his life.
• Controlled: A leader controls his selfish instincts and does what is best for his followers. He controls his temper. He loves his wife, even when she is unlovable or he is angry with her and doesn't want to love her. He keeps himself from excesses of alcohol, food, sex, or any other addictions. He doesn't do what he wants to do, like making selfish decisions, but controls his own desires and cares for those under his leadership.
• Respectable: A Christian leader is worthy of respect. He follows God's Word---and to follow it, he must know it. He probably spends time studying the Word and working to keep his life lined up with it. He conducts himself honestly and righteously. He has morals and character others can respect. He is strong and stable, making good decisions and sticking to them, not making decisions in a rush or without enough forethought to carry them through.
• Faithful: A leader must "keep hold of the deep truths of the faith." This means he is knows the deep truths of faith, not just the basic or easy or popular ones. He knows God is working in his life, and he trust Him completely. He follows Jesus in all his decisions. Even when life is hard and others around him doubt, he trusts God. He attends church, studies his Bible, and helps those less fortunate. He shows the world around him God's love, whether that is in his community, church, family, or work. People can tell he's a devout Christian by his words and actions. Perhaps he volunteers at the church or in the community or leads a Bible study.
• Tender: A husband is not harsh with his wife, either in his words or his actions. He doesn't yell at her, belittle her, or lose patience with her. He doesn't give her the silent treatment or get annoyed with her for not being perfect. He is patient, loving, and tender. He understands his wife and his children's needs, and he strives to meet them. He knows his family has emotional needs, and he is sensitive and atuned to those. He knows their spiritual needs, and he always leads them closer to God. He knows their physical needs and keeps them cared for, provided for, and safe.
• Respectful: A leader is worthy of respect, but he also gives respect. He treats his wife and all his followers with respect. He does not take advantage of her weakness, either physical, spiritual, or emotional. He loves her for the gifts she brings to their relationship and to God's kingdom, and treats her respectfully because of them.
• Considerate: The husband Paul describes is considerate toward his wife and family. Another word for considerate could be "thoughtful." He doesn't wait to be asked or nagged into doing something, but tries to anticipate his family's needs and meet them. If he can't anticipate them, he responds immediately to their needs. He thinks of his wife and ways he could make her happy. Perhaps he offers to help her with her chores, brings flowers, gets a babysitter, plans a night out, massages her back, runs her a bubble bath, buys her a favorite book or cd, or takes her to her favorite show. This husband knows his wife and uses that knowledge to anticipate and meet her needs.
• Loving: A Christian leader is most of all loving. They love their wives, and "love" is both an action and a feeling. It is not only one or the other, for this is an incomplete idea of love. Love must be a feeling--wanting to protect, cherish, and care for someone who is important to you. He wants to make her happy and keep her spiritually and emotionally healthy, and he feels happy being around her. Love is also an action--he must act loving, maybe even when he can't feel the emotion. He makes sacrifices so his loved one is cared for and feels cherished and needed. A Christian husband shows his wife love the way she understands it and wants it to be expressed, not when he feels like it and in the way he thinks she should want it.

When Women Make Men Idols

I've found a great blog by Christian author Paula Rinehart right here in the Blogger community.

Paula talks about women and their relationships with men. When do our desires for our husbands, fathers, boyfriends, and male friends to be leaders and guides turn into idolatry? We long for men to lead us, to understand us, to know us. We want the warrior king of the God in the Old Testament, the loving friend and brother of Jesus in the New Testament, the strength of Sampson, the faith of Abraham, the powerful personality of Paul, the warrior of Joshua, the love of God of David, and the tender ministrations of Jesus. All in one man.

Can any man do that? Probably not. But we yearn for it.... we long for the men in our lives to fulfill that hole in our hearts left by the Fall. Adam was too passive, so we yearn for strength. Moses was too insecure, yet we long for self-confidence. Peter was too simple, so we want education and wit. The men in movies, songs, and books seem to be all these things. We yearn for that love and protection. Why can't our own fathers, boyfriends, brothers, and husbands give us the same?

I can't answer that question. I can say that we women yearn for that strong, perfect, godly man because... well, because we are meant to. Our hearts know that all these wonderful personality traits, this love and understanding and faith and confidence and grace, are possible. We've seen in in Jesus Himself. We long for a man to love us that way. Oh, we know Jesus already loves us that way. But for now, He is in heaven and He cannot touch us, hold us, talk to us, reassure us, or make love to us. We want someone tangible. Someone to protect us, provide for us, love us, understand us, grow us, and minister to our hearts and minds and souls. The perfect man.

Of course, that doesn't exist. Only Jesus can fulfill that hole in our hearts. Yet the men in our lives are also called to be like Jesus to us. God has put a part of Himself in every man on earth, and we sense inside our insecure, annoying friends and husbands and fathers, a king and warrior or savior and peacemaker. We long for that to come out and be used for our protection and provision.

It's not unBiblical to compare men to Jesus. Ephesians 5 tells us all to "be imitators of God." It goes farther and says of men and their relationships with women:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior... Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

These verses compare men to Jesus Himself. They call husbands to lead their wives the way Jesus leads them. It talks to husbands of following Jesus' example of sacrifice, cleansing, healing, sanctifying, and leading their wives. This is the ultimate charge for husbands. I don't know if it's possible to ever completely succeed at this model of marriage while on earth, but it is clear men are called to be the embodiment of Jesus Christ for their wives as much as they are able. Likewise, women should respond as the Church responds to its Savior.

This verse speaks so much to me. It tells me that we women long for a man to be Jesus for us because men are made in His image and called to love us like Him. Some part of us--some vulnerable, longing part of us--senses that potential for strength and leadership in him, and yearns for it to be shown to us completely.

Of course, it can't be shown to us completely. Only Jesus can do that. But when our hearts long for real arms to envelop us, real words to speak to us through our heartaches and tears, we cannot look to Jesus for that. Oh, He loves us and speaks to us through His Word, but it is not the same as hearing a real voice and feeling real hands wipe away your tears. It is not the same as being held against a real, warm chest and feeling healing hands stroking your hair.

Here on earth we are in a fallen state. Whether you take the Biblical accound of Adam, Eve, and the Garden of Eden literally or metaphorically, somehow we are in a fallen world where Satan has control and Jesus won't come back to right it until.... well, we don't know when. We know He is coming, and that the ultimate outcome will be His victory, but we don't know when that will happen. So we are left here, with shadows of Jesus echoed in the men around us, longing for more and to feel His arms around us.

Some day, I believe we will feel that. But the Bible is clear that it won't be here and now, at least not completely. No matter how much we nag and beg our husbands to be Jesus for us, they probably can't do it 100%. God is telling me this today through his Psalms; take for instance this quote from Psalm 60:

...The help of man is worthless. -Psalm 60:11b.

Although the writer of this psalm was talking about war, I think it applies to all our lives. After all, our lives are one big war against Satan, until we finish the race and go home to heaven. Men and women can sometimes show us the heart of Jesus (we are called to be His body on earth, after all), but eventually they will fail. Also consider this psalm quote:

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvations comes from Him. He alone is my
rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. -Psalm 62:1-2

Sometimes, the men in our lives can minister to us as Jesus does. I do believe they should try. But when your heart is breaking and the men in your life have failed you, perhaps you should retreat to a quiet place, listen to some music, have some quiet prayer time, or simply read your Bible. Ask Jesus to be with you in that place. Ask Him to heal you and show you His love. In the end, it's something only He can do perfectly. All you have to do is ask.