Understanding Abuse Survivors

If your partner has been abused, either as a child or an adult, it will affect your relationship. If you were not the partner who was abused, it will be difficult--maybe even impossible--for you to completely understand your partner's trauma, but research can help. Read the memories of one victim of abuse, Courtney:

My psyche and boundaries were very damaged and I did not realize that because of my upbringing and appearance I attracted sexual predators.

Sometimes I worry when I tell my husband or counselors about the many, many instances of small and large sexual abuses that people will assume I'm exaggerating what happened to me. How could one woman be the recipient of so much negative sexual attention? Well, perhaps I'm not crazy, maybe I don't imagine it (something I sometimes used to fear), maybe it's not my fault. Maybe, like Courtney, I attract a certain type of man.

When I was an adult, I was sexually assaulted in Greece. When I got out of the room, thanks to the intervention of God, I changed clothes immediately and called my mother. When I told her what happened, including that for a moment he let me go and changed out of his clothes, she said with a sigh and utter disappointment, "Oh, [my name], why didn't you run?"

I love my mother, but that right there solidifies everything we abuse survivors secretly fear might be true about ourselves: that we did something wrong, that we should have run when we had the chance, or dressed differently, or screamed, or not trusted the man to be alone with us, or not willingly gone into the hotel room, or that we did something to deserve this, at least partly. It's the most damaging thing our loved ones can say or do to us.

It made me feel better to read what Courtney said when she was in my situation:

Why I did not run out of the room I am not sure. Part of me felt immobilized.

In every survivor there is a child living in the adult. The child is hurt. The adult is trying to protect her, and often this means hiding her. We react with hostility when others try to get access to our inner child. Says the Soul Self Help:

It's the child in us who was hurt. It is the adult who remembers.

Because we try to protect that inner child and keep her from contact with the outside world, even people we love and trust, our boundaries can be blurred. That same article goes on to say:

The more often our boundaries have been violated in childhood, the greater difficulty we have differentiating ourselves from others and the more likely we'll become victims of continued sexual abuses. Blurred family boundaries in our...families cause us to feel stressed and confused when we try to identify our own limits and goals in relationships. Plagued with an identify a solid sense of ourselves, we doubt our own rights in relationships. We feel unsure. That uncertainty and lack of self often leaves us even more vulnerable to sexual, physical and emotional attack from others.

If your partner was abused, it's possible he or she has a difficult time understanding boundaries. She may worry too much about what other people think, or be unable to form her own opinion of herself without help from loved ones, acquaintances, or even strangers. Her self-esteem may fluctuate wildly because it depends on outside approval, not inner strength. On the other hand, she may have too strict of boundaries and be too rigid or unflexible with other people. Abuse survivors can become control freaks and perfectionists. They may prefer relationships with unhealthy levels of control or even abuse, and they may seek out codependent relationships.

A very major issue for survivors is that of boundaries. When one is so completely violated at a young age, at any age, for that matter, one is less aware if at all aware of one's right to individuation. One's sense of self and others is usually very blurred.

Do any of the following from Self Help Magazine sound like your partner?

I hate sex. It feels like invasion of myself and my body by someone else. Life would be great if no one ever expected me to be sexual again. --Tina, raped by her father as a child.

"My penis and my heart feel disconnected. I use sex as a way to blot out pain when I'm feeling down. Masturbation is a lot easier than having sex with my wife. She wants a lot of kissing and hugging and I'm uncomfortable with all that closeness. --Jack, molested by a neighbor as a young teen.

Victims of past sexual trauma will often show these symptoms:
•avoiding or being afraid of sex
•approaching sex as an obligation
•experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch
•having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation
•feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex
•experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images
•engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviors
•experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship
•experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties
•experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties

Symptoms may not all be present, or they may come and go. They may go away for a while and then reappear.

The sex-ed section of the website Fascinations
has a good article that describes abuse:

When stuck inside the world of a trauma survivor, it can seem like nothing one can do will make any difference. It’s not going to be easy. There will be messiness, crying, and uncomfortable feelings, but those are all important steps in the process of healing. They just generally don’t feel good.

People who have been sexually assaulted may find that their minds and bodies don’t connect.

Marriage Teaching
goes on to say:

Most women who've been abused have trouble trusting their husbands. Basically, a man abused them, and so they don't trust any man. As part of the renewing of your mind, realize that your husband isn't the one who abused you. Therefore, you can trust him.

A very powerful Christian website that offers help and healing for Christian women (and men) who've been abused offers articles like Cure for Self Hate and The Dilemma of Feeling Pleasure When Abused.

Whether you or your partner was the one who was abused, I would highly recommend checking them out. Sexual abuse can cause pain that will last for years and years; even if it isn't always there, it can come back.

If there is healing to be found, it will be found in Christ. Good luck on the journey!

Of course, this is easier said than done, but with counseling and self help and research on the subject, perhaps you can eventually heal.

Gender Roles in Christianity

Gender roles in Christianity are always a hot-button topic. Non-Christians and liberal Christians often see more fundamentalist Christians are being hopelessly backward, trying to force women to stay in the Middle Ages and deny them equality with men. More conservative Christians paint the more liberal movements as producing a mass generation of butch lesbians and women who care for nothing but their high-powered careers and enslaving men to watch their children.

A feminist is, according to WebNet, "a doctrine that advocates equal rights for women." Given this definition, I'd say most Westerners are feminists. I don't know many people who think women shouldn't vote, drive, or work.

On the other hand, there is a push in evangelical Christianity for women to be "submissive." Ahh, the dreaded S-word. Mentioned submission and most married Christian women in the room will assume shell-shocked expressions of outward compliance, while inwardly they are screaming, "I tried it and HELL NO, I will not be subjected to that again!" The single men will all look confused, and the married men in the room will do one of two things: if they've never tried it, they'll look smug and expectant, whereas if they and their wife have already tried it, they'll look tired and worn and settle into their seats with an air of sad expectancy.

The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood has this to say on gender roles:

Because of the widespread compromise of biblical understanding of manhood and womanhood and its tragic effects on the home and the church, these men and women established The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

In opposition to the growing movement of feminist egalitarianism they articulated what is now known as the complementarian position which affirms that men and women are equal in the image of God, but maintain complementary differences in role and function. In the home, men lovingly are to lead their wives and family as women intelligently are to submit to the leadership of their husbands. In the church, while men and women share equally in the blessings of salvation, some governing and teaching roles are restricted to men.

Where are all these men who are to lovingly and humbly lead their wives?

Consequently, they do not lead effectively, or they do not even try. Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home.

Can I get an "Amen"?! What this means is that men do one of two things: 1. They do not lead effectively (I call this "asshold syndrome") or 2. they do not lead (I call this "wuss syndrome").

John Eldgredge has the same basic theory in his book Wild at Heart. He says that men tend to either hide their strength (sinning through passivity) or abuse their strength (sinning through domination). Men today do not know how to use their strength. They do not know that they are strong. They either dominate women or let women dominate them. Both of these are sins. The article What Should Be the Husband's Role in Marriage? has a great summary of Biblical leadership, including three rules for husbands: be a leader, be a servant, and be a lover.

For dads or dads-to-be, another great article for faithful fathers is Where Have All the Fathers Gone?: A Sobering Challenge for Dads.

But there was one thing I'm not sure about, as I was reading Wear the Pants MANifesto. This article says:

Men are not women. They are not genderless. They are not androgynous. They have an innate, God-given bent to initiate and be heroes. They want to untie the world from the tracks of complacency. They want to get their hands dirty. They want to answer the call of manhood. They want to be MEN.

This idea that men want to be men is echoed in Christian books such as Wild at Heart and P.B. Wilson's Liberated Through Submission. But while it's all well and good to believe that men all naturally want to be the kind of leaders and husbands and fathers this world is crying out for, I haven't seen that in my life. I have a whole host of men who prefer to be emotionally unavailable sexual predators. Men who want sex buddies and friends with benefits because they prefer that to the emotional cost of a relationship with a complex woman. Men who are passive, passive when they see their children being hit and passive when they see their wives called names, passive when their mothers are too controlling and passive when the bathroom sink needs to be fixed. Men who are lazy, men who do not keep their words, men who complain when life gives them "too much" responsibility. Men who like to be able to dominate a woman and pressure her into sex, rather than wait respectfully and honor her as a person. Men who prefer to make excuses and blame the woman for being a nag instead of taking the responsibility for their own failures. Men who don't fix the car, don't fix the broken toilet paper roll, don't spend time learning about women and relationships and emotions. Men who abandon their children, don't pay child support, or just watch too much tv. These men are not chomping at the bit for the very difficult responsibility of maintaining a happy, God-fearing home with a loved, emotionally satisfied wife and disciplined, healthy children.

And what happens when we wait and wait and our husbands never come through? We find that strength somewhere else, or we become passive and bitter and withdrawn, or we assume control ourselves and become Wifezillas. These are the choices men leave us.

I'd love to believe that all men want to be heroes. The Bible certainly suggests that men have that latent potential, or perhaps they used to before generations of war, rape, violence, aggression, passivity, and weakness bred that out of them. Just look at all the websites like CDD and Taken in Hand where women are just screaming out for their husbands to be the men the Bible talks about.

Do these men really exist?

I'm reminded, sadly, of the lyrics of Bonnie Tyler's song. I think it is the heart cry of many Christian women today. Christian women who want to be equal, but want someone to submit to, someone to love them, to lead them, to cherish them, to serve them, to discipline them, and to protect them.

I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the morning light
He's gotta be sure and he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
I need a hero, I'm holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night.

Some of these women will be holding out for the rest of their lives.

Losing Your Temper

It's so easy to lose your temper, especially at home with your spouse and children.

The Bible is clear that being angry isn't a sin, but how we handle it that is (Ephesians 4:26). The Bible says, "In your anger do not sin," not "Don't be angry for this is a sin."

Anger is a feeling we get when we feel that something important to us is being threatened. We have a surge of energy to protect this thing at all costs. This "thing" we're protecting may be a child or a loved one, our own ego, ourselves, an idea such as politics or religion, or our property. For whatever reason, this item is very important to us and we somehow sense that it is being threatened. Our body's reaction to this is to Get Angry! Anger is the name for the protective, intense feeling that floods our body when we sense something important to us is in danger.

There are two types of anger: good anger and bad anger.

Good anger is also called "righteous anger." Righteous anger means we are protecting something that needs to be protected. If you find out someone has hurt your child's feelings, you feel anger because you want to leap to her defense and protect her from the hurt. Righteous anger occurs when you want to protect something that is also a priority to God, such as protecting your family from physical and emotional harm, defending yourself from physical attack, defending your faith in Christ, or protecting materials that are rightfully yours.

Bad anger is when we either leap to protect something that isn't necessarily a priority to God, or when we overdo it in our attempts to protect an otherwise valid concern.

What are things that aren't a priority to God? That's between you and God, but just as an example I'd say: our own egos, small amounts of money or materials goods, and pointless religious or political discussions that go nowhere. There's really no point in getting angry and saying things you'll regret over health care reform, because health care reform, while important, has nothing to do with your eternal salvation. Focus your energy on things God cares about; don't make needless crusades for yourself.

The second type of non-righteous anger is when we overdo anger. Sure, it is legitimate to want to protect your body, ideas, and feelings, but most of us go overboard. Getting into a screaming match with your spouse over hurt feelings is neither godly nor a priority, but we humans often overreact.

If someone hurts your feelings and you punch them in the face, you overdid it. Although you are right to want to protect yourself, there are many ways you could have calmly and Biblically handled the situation, either by turning the other cheek or calmly asking the other person to stop, or simply removing yourself from the situation.

If you have a tendency to lose your temper, it might help to really get to the root of what you are trying to protect. Next time you feel angry, ask yourself:

• what thing that I care deeply about am I feeling is threatened right now?
• who do I feel is threatening it? Is this a valid feeling or simply an emotion without basis in fact?
• is this person trying to threaten something important to me, or am I misreading the message?
• is my feeling of anger justified, or am I overreacting?
• would this thing I'm trying to protect be a priority to God?
• am I going overboard in how much I am trying to protect this thing? (for instance, are you reacting as though the threat is much greater than it actually is?)
• will I say something unBiblical or unloving?
• do I need to take a break to think this through?

Often, if you dissect anger into its underlying parts (I feel a threat + the thing that is threatened is important to me + I feel the other person is threatening me on purpose = anger), it's easy to see that we're overreacting. Take this example:

David is having a talk with his wife Anna. Anna is criticizing David because he did not get the car fixed in a timely manner. He feels threatened and gets angry. Now, David has two ways he can look at this situation.

The most natural way to look at would be the following:

1. Anna is threatening my sense of self; she is saying I'm a bad husband, irresponsible, and worthless
2. She is threatening my ego, something I care very much about
3. She knows I'm busy and do my best, but she doesn't care, and she is trying to hurt me
4. I'M ANGRY!!!

But a better way to look at the situation would be like this:

1. I feel Anna is threatening my sense of self, but if I listen, she is only complaining about one small thing I did, not about me as a man
2. She is not threatening my ego or me as a person; she is explaining one small thing she was upset about
3. She knows I'm busy and do my best, and she is normally very caring and understanding. She must be very frustrated right now.
4. Anna loves me and is not trying to hurt me or insult me; she is venting and telling me how I can make her happier.
5. I FEEL UNDERSTANDING AND I CAN VALIDATE HER AND STAY CALM!

If you break down how you feel when you're angry, especially if you have a tendency to lose your temper, it probably looks and feels a lot like the first situation. If that's true, you are probably hyper-sensitive to criticism and are probably overreacting in your anger a lot. Try to model your thinking more like the second situation and it will be easier to stay calm, positive, and constructive during disagreements.

Good luck!

The Divorce Pill

Just one more reason I use Natural Family Planning, and I believe the Pill is bad for our bodies.

Aside from the stuff we already knew that the Pill (in all its various forms) can do to our bodies--stopped menstration, abort fetuses, thin uterine lining, cause strokes, cause weight loss or gain, precipitate moodiness, decrease sex drive), a new study shows the Pill actually causes women to be attracted to different types of men than before.

Wedekind did a study with women and smells. He found that women are attracted to men who have slightly different pheromones in their bodies than the women do. This combination of pheronome smells makes for healthier offspring, as well as the "connection" or "sexual sizzle" between two people.

Well, the Pill changes that.

It makes women repulsed by men whose pheromone levels they would naturally be most attracted to. It also makes women more attracted to men with a more similar pheromone. When the women begin or get off the Pill, suddenly they are no longer attracted to their previous partner.

Weird? Very weird. Just another reason I'm glad I use natural pregnancy prevention that works with my body the way God made it.

Etiquette with your Loved One or Spouse

I'm always amazed by the rudeness I see people exhibit toward the people they profess to most love and respect. If you can't treat your spouse or loved one with respect, it shows a severe lack of character.

Of course, most people aren't rude on purpose: they are rude because they don't know any better. I'm fixing that with this post. :)

An extreme example of rudeness is one I was horrified to watch one day after a floating trip. A sun-burnt and shirtless man, probably drunk after his alcoholic float down the river, was telling his girlfriend (wife?) off in a voice loud enough for me to hear and be appalled from 10 feet away. The conversation went something like this:

You know what? You're a stupid b**** and a c***. Go, I don't give a damn if you go. I'll just go home and if your s*** isn't there, I'll take it you've moved out, you stupid c***."

First off, you should never fight when you're tipsy or drunk. Drunk people are emotional, angry, violent, and sensitive. Deep conversations and fights should always be reserved for calm, sober times. Second, you never call your loved one those names. Sure, I might call my husband a jerk every once in a while, but we should never curse at our loved ones. If you do, take some time to think about your temper and work on controlling it. Words that take seconds to say will be remembered for years. Third, we should never threaten to leave or try to force the other one to leave. This is a controlling tactic ("Do it my way or else") and it isn't fair to the other person, no matter how tempting it may be (I know I try it periodically!).

Of course, I also have Christian friends who would never curse or yell at their girlfriends, but are still not polite toward them.

Men, you are with a lady, a sister in Christ, and a holy vessel of God's spirit. Treat her with respect and dignity. Ladies, you are with a warrior and a servant, a brother in Christ, your leader, provider, and protector. Society may be trying to confuse gender roles, but that is the way God created us.

Here are some basic courtesy and etiquette rules for interaction when dating or married:

1. Always say "please" and "thank you," even after years of dating when you know your request will be granted.
2. Acknowledge your loved one's presence when he or she returns home or enters a room.
3. When you get up to get yourself something, ask if your loved one would like anything as well.
4. Men open doors, double doors, and car doors for women.
5. Men seat women first, pulling out her chair if he so desires, and waiting until she is fully seated to seat himself.
6. Women order first at restaurants, OR the man orders for both of them, giving her order first.
7. Men should always assist the woman with taking off and putting on her coat.
8. The man should always walk on the outside of the street.
9. The woman allows him to enter buildings first. He leads the way into a store, through a restaurant, or into a movie theatre. Once he has chosen (or been shown) their seat, he stands aside to let her pass and allow her to be seated first.
10. Men should offer to help carry heavy loads without being asked.
11. Women should not dominate the conversation; neither should men. Share the spotlight!
12. Neither partner should share details of fights, relate stories that make the other person look bad/foolish, or share personal details of the partner's private life without asking (this includes medical issues, job issues, medications, family matters, etc.).

Treat your loved one with respect and courtesy!

Are We Witnessing?

If you're not part of a denomination that sometimes crams the need for witnessing down your throat (I'm thinking Baptists and other similar churches), it's possible that, like me, you're from a church that politely avoids mentioning your responsibility to witness at all.

Witnessing is an important but unpopular responsibility for Christians. Some of us try to ignore our duty to spread the Word of God at all (I know I do). Or, we say, "I witness with my lifestyle," as though a.) we are perfect enough to bring people to God on our own and b.) being a good person is enough to bring people to Christ. Well, neither of those are true: I sometimes shame the name of Christ with my behaviors and decisions, and I know many, many good people who are Muslims, Jews, Hindus, agnostics, atheists, pagans, or nothing. Being a good person, giving back to your community, and helping your fellow man are good things, but not enough to point people toward Christ in your life.

I confess I've not been witnessing very stringently in the last few years. People know I'm a Christian, but I don't invite them to church and I don't preach at them. I try to witness in small, subtle ways, but it's probably not strong enough to turn anybody away from the path of hell.

I was rudely awakened to the need for us to witness by the passage of Ezekial 3:16-21:

At the end of seven days the word of the LORD came to me: "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to a wicked man, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for [a] his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself.

"Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself."

This verse is pretty clear that we need to help our families and friends out of sin and into righteousness, as well as be open to that same correction when they lovingly correct us. Instead of getting defensive and pointing fingers of blame, as I am normally wont to do, we should understand that our families and friends are correcting us out of a genuine desire for us to stay on the "right path" and reach heaven someday. Of course, they should do it lovingly (see Ephesians 4:29), but we should also listen and be saved.

Why is witnessing to others so difficult and unpopular among Christians? Well, I think it's because some Christians go too far. We shouldn't be judgmental or hateful toward sinners; we should love them as God loves them. I'm sorry, but I never once saw Jesus treating the Samaritan woman or the adulteress with disrespect, standing on street corners yelling at them or holding a sign that said, "God will judge this world." I respect my brethren who do these things, for I trust they mean well, but I feel they are just creating a bigger divide between sinners and the church. Thumping them over the head with the Bible is never a way to get others to change.

When we witness, we don't want to come across as judgmental of the person (we only judge the sin), or as holier-than-thou. People don't want to be lectured to or threatened into being good by the threat of hell. Rather, we Christians should act out of love. If we take a genuine interest in our friends' lives, supporting them and loving them, they are much more likely to take gentle correction from a trusted friend than from a judgmental stranger. Be careful not to simply turn more people off from Christ.

On the other hand, Paul did not only speak a popular message. When it comes down to hell or heaven, we can't afford to stay silent and hope we draw people to Christ by our silence. Talk about God, talk about the Bible, and share what He has done for you in your life. Focus on yourself, not the other person. If you feel led to expose sin, do so in a loving way that is clear you are worried for the happiness of the person, not just worried about stopping the sin or judging the person.

I honestly don't think any people are brought to Christ by websites saying, "God hates gays" or "Muslims are going to hell." We must love people, show them the same love and grace Christ shows us, and thus bring them into the folds of the faithful.

How do you share Christ's love with the world?

Husband as Master?

The Bible is pretty clear that in a Christian marriage, men should lead the household. (See Ephesians 5 or 1 Peter 3 for the most popular verses.) In 1 Peter 3:1-6, Peter discusses Sarah as a model of a submissive wife, saying she called Abraham her "master." This is sometimes used to support a Master/slave (M/s) relationship for those in the BDSM lifestyle, but most Christians take it to simply mean the man should be in charge. Here is the verse:

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. -1 Peter 3:1-6

But where in the Old Testament is there a record of Sarah calling her husband "Master"? It's in Genesis 18:12, after Sarah is told she will bear a son. Here is the verse in different translations:

So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" -NIV

So she laughed silently to herself and said, "How could a worn-out woman like me enjoy such pleasure, especially when my master--my husband--is also so old?" -NLT

So Sarah laughed to herself, saying, “After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?” -ESV

The Blue Letter Bible says the Hewbrew word used here is adon, a singular masculine noun from a root word meaning "to rule." Interestingly, adon (also spelled 'adown) is the singular form of Adonai, a popular name for God. Originally, Adon or Adonis was the name of a Phonecian/Canaanite god of fertility, whose mother was Venus to the Romans, Aphrodite to the Greeks, and Astarte to the Phonecians. (Off topic, but also interesting: the generic name for a god in Phonecian was el, and the Phonecian god El was the creator and Lord of Earth. He was also called Baal. The root "el-" became the basis for the Hebrew words Elohim, Eli, and for the Arabic word Allah.)

In the Old Testament, the use of adon was used in the sense of master, lord, or owner. The word comes from a root word meaning "to rule" and implies a sense of ownership and was used to refer to those in a position of authority, usually husbands, kings, or other people in authority. Of course, Adon is also used to refer to God.

Here are some other uses for the word adon in the Bible:

1. firm, strong, lord, master


2. lord, master


3. superintendent of household, of affairs


4. master


5. king


6. lords, kings


7. proprietor of hill of Samaria


8. husband


9. prophet


10. governor


11. prince


12. king


13. prince


14. prophet


15. father


16. Moses


17. priest


18. captain


19. general recognition of superiority

These are all examples of the word adon in the Old Testament when they refer to men (and not God). I cannot stress enough that this word means "to rule" and implies ownership or a position of authority.

In the New Testament example of 1 Peter 3:6, the word used is the Greek kyrios.

They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master [kyrios].

This word best translates as "lord, master, or sir". It can also be applied to Jesus or God when it is capitalized in English, such as Lord. It is related to the Greek word kyrieou, meaning "to have dominion over" or "to exercise control of" or "be lord/Lord of."

On the other hand, commentaries warn us that this doesn't mean women should never have a say in marital decisions. The words kyrios and adon seem to refer more to a general sense of respect and lordship; they refer to someone in authority, but that doesn't mean a slave driver. Matthew Henry's commentary on these verses concludes:

Christians ought to do their duty to one another, from a willing mind, and in obedience to the command of God. Wives should be subject to their husbands, not from dread and amazement, but from desire to do well, and please God. The husband's duty to the wife implies giving due respect unto her, and maintaining her authority, protecting her, and placing trust in her.

Another commentary by Coffman says:

As Sarah obeyed Abraham...
It should not be thought that Sarah's obedience to Abraham was in any sense Servility. On one occasion she ordered Abraham to "Cast out the bondwoman and her son," a "request" that sorely grieved and distressed Abraham; but he obeyed her, God himself commanding Abraham to do it (Genesis 20:10-12). Nevertheless, there was the utmost respect and honor accorded her husband by the noble Sarah.
Calling him lord ...
The significance of Sarah's doing this lies in the fact that this is what she called him in her own heart, not merely when others might hear her. The real test of what one is, or what one thinks, lies in the content of what they say to themselves, not in what they might say to others.

In other words, submission is more about giving respect and honor to your husband in your heart than in being forced to only in your actions. Sure, he could force you to be obedient, but God wants a willing heart, not grudging respect. Let me be clear that this is not something I have mastered! I know in my head what I should do, but I'm not sure how to apply that to my actions. How do I submit when he doesn't require it or make it clear which situations he even wants me to submit in? How do I submit without clear direction or leadership from him in what areas he wants me to submit? How do I force myself to feel submissive "in my heart" instead of just "in my actions"? These are things I'm not sure about, and I need to talk more with my husband about.

Yet the key words here, kyrios and adon, imply leadership and authority. If you're a man, what does that mean for you?

And how many Christian marriages today actually are true to this original meaning?

Not many.

Please don't think I am blaming the women here for "not being submissive enough." It is both partners' fault if their marriage does not live up to 1 Peter 3:6. In today's Western society, equality and "equal partnerships" are the norm. Conventional wisdom says that if one partner is better at leading in a certain area, it will be simpler and easier for everyone to let her. Women today have to deal with weak men who make bad, selfish decisions motivated by self-gratification instead of a Godly leadership style. Many men would rather not make decisions or have the hassle of leading, so nothing gets done if the woman doesn't step in. On the other hand, men today have to handle powerhouse women in the workplace who can file a sexual harrassment suit over imagined slights. Some of their wives are control freaks who treat them like children instead of like warriors. The problem is in both sexes. Men won't lead, and women won't let them. It's a cycle our society says is normal and even P.C., but it's not what the Bible tells us to do.

Undoubtedly, the idea of a submissive Christian wife will be unpopular with your friends and family members. Likewise, the idea of a dominating Christian husband will fly in the face of many of your loved ones' beliefs.Don't believe me? Check out this alarming thread, "When will men kneel down before women in public?" But in the end, you must do what you believe is right. It is the husband's responsibility to initiate and maintain and Bible-based relationship. It is the wife's responsibility to submit and obey to his leading. Popular? No. Easy? Certainly not. But rewarding? I have to rest on the promises of God and think so.

There is no right or wrong model of submission. The two of you simply need to communicate and decide what works for the two of you, within Biblical grounds. Think: is your husband the master? the leader? the lord? Do you obey him? And husbands, do you act like a master, a prophet, a priest, a prince, a king? Do you pray to your Priest and King for guidance on how to follow in His footsteps?

Ask Jesus what he wants for your marriage. He will guide you. He is the ultimate Kyrios, the ultimate Adon, the leader and master and owner and ruler of our lives. He will show you the way.

Helping Her Heal After Abuse

If someone you love has been abused, you can help. But you can't heal them. For total healing, it will take three people: you, the victim, and Jesus.

Jesus heals. Please note the following verses:

LORD my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me. -Psalm 20:2-3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. -Jeremiah 33:6

Healing comes from God, but we can also help. How many times in the Bible does God miraculously heal or help His people by using other humans? If we are the body of Christ, we can reach out and bring God's help and healing to others.

The first thing you need to understand is that there are many stages to healing. You cannot expect someone to just magically heal on their own. They probably have no idea to go about it, or they'd have done it already. No one wants to be an abuse victim, but many of us find ourselves there. It can help to understand the three stages of healing. Victims must go through all three stages, not be expected to skip right to the final stage. You can help them work through each of them by listening, providing support and Godly counsel, and praying for them.

1. Stage One: Victim. The person in this stage still identifies as a victim and processes life through the lens of the past trauma. This person probably has trouble functioning healthily in her daily life. This person still needs to talk and re-hash the details of the trauma and go through the greiving process for what happened to her. Perhaps she has not let herself grieve, or has not allowed her grieiving to completely unfold. You can help by asking questions about the details and listening as often as she needs to talk. You can help her identify "triggers" and what causes those triggers, and perhaps how to cope with those triggers in a more productive way in the future. Together you can brainstorm solutions to react differently than the negative, destructive way she has previously been coping. You can help her find themes about how her abuse has affected her life today.
2. Stage Two: Survivor. This person functions better and sees the trauma as in the past, but still identifies mostly a (past) victim. Perhaps she still relates to events in her life through the old lens of the trauma. You can help her process her negative feelings about the abuse, some which she may not even be aware she had, such as anger, shame, guilt, or betrayal. Perhaps you could encourage her to start a journal of self-discovery. You can help her see which relationships in her life are unhealthy (in whole or in part) and together brainstorm ways she could handle these relationships more productively. Support her as she tries to do this.
3. Stage Three: Thriver. This person functions healthily and no longer identifies primarily as an abuse victim. She develops healthy, productive ways of dealing with people and events, and is prepared with positive ways to deal with occasional flare-ups from her past trauma. You can help her turn to God for healing and power and encourage her to forgive her abusers and let go of the past. The past will always affect her, and you can help by being supportive and understanding and by being watchful for regressions to past unhealthy behavior and helping her become aware in a loving, supportive manner.

For more information on these three stages and how to recognize them, go to The Three Stages of Healing.

If you're not sure what coping mechanisms--both healthy and unhealthy--your loved one tends to employ to deal with the past trauma, check out some of these great resources. The Trauma Coping Inventory can be used to identify which coping mechanisms the victim uses and how often. You can discuss her answers together--but be sure you then remember and act off of this information! It doesn't do any good for you to show an initial interest in her healing and, once you've discussed it, go back to the way things have always been. Use this tool as the beginning of your journey to understand her, not as the journey itself. Once you understand her, you need to use that information to be aware of she she uses those again and to help her plan ways to deal with the trauma more productively and healthily. Perhaps the two of you together can come up with a list of positive coping mechanisms that you can gently remind her of when she gets off-track.

Another great resource for your own information is Common Coping Mechanisms Used by Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse. This list can describe any victims of abuse, not just sexual. Study it and commit to memory the coping devices used by your loved one; it can help you better understand her and know what to look for to help her along the road to healing. In addition, the Coping Skills website will give you some ideas for more positive ways to help your loved one deal with negative thoughts and emotions.

You can't push someone to be healed, but you can help make the journey easier. You can encourage, support, guide, and instruct. This is a big responsibility and should not be taken lightly. If you begin to show you care enough to lead her along this road, then forget or slack off, it will seem to her like you abandoned her... just like her abuser.

Coping Mechanisms for Victims of Abuse

If you or your partner has suffered from physical, emotional, or sexual abuse as a child, teen, or adult, you can bet that past trauma will affect your relationship now. Both children and adults have coping mechanisms to deal with stress. Some are positive coping mechanisms, such as exercise, meditation, or talking about conflict. Others are negative coping mechanisms, like drugs, alcohol, depression, or self-harm.

What are some of the symptoms of past abuse? These are also the coping mechanisms the victim has learned to rely on to deal with the stress. They may be (and often are!) unhealthy for that person and/or for the people around that person, but they are the only way the victim knows how to cope with the huge amounts of stress caused by abuse, and so the victim keeps doing it. Sometimes they may even become an abuser themselves.

Here are some of the coping mechanisms commonly used by abuse victims. See if any sound like you or your partner.

• Mental illnesses. Past victims of abuse may learn to direct all that negative energy inward (depression, anxiety, panic, self-harm) or outward (violent temper, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder). They may also simply separate themselves from reality (social anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis).
• Addictions. Abuse victims may turn to outside sources to deal with negative feelings and anxiety. The most obvious ones are drug and alcohol abuse, but they may also develop more "socially acceptable" addictions, such as addictions to relationships, shopping, food, smoking, workaholics, gambling, etc. When victims start relying on one of these to alleviate their stress, it is often a coping mechanism.
• Exaggerated Fight/Flight Response. It's a normal reaction to stress to have a burst of adrenaline that tells your body either to flee or fight. However, abuse victims develop an overactive fight/flight response. They are so prepared for something traumatic to happen that they overreact to everyday stressors or conflict. If your partner consistently overreacts to stress (yelling, screaming, fighting, loss of temper) or underreacts (becoming motionless, having panic attacks, abandoning a conversation at the first sign of conflict), their body is telling them that a small problem is really a Very Big Problem.
• Distorted Reactions to the World. Abuse victims often learn to cope with abuse by reacting against the abuse. Perhaps they will become distrustful and suspicious, paranoid, or afraid of being alone. Perhaps they fear any conflict or sense abandonment when there is none present. They may worry too much about what other's think of them or obsess over small details. These are all ways victims have developed to try to keep themselves safe from more abuse.
• Denial. Pretending the abuse didn't happen or was not serious, or denying their own strong negative feelings (like anger, rage, neediness, insecurity, or jealousy). The victim does not know how to deal with such strong negative emotions in a productive way because that was never modeled, and they simply try to pretend they don't occur.
• Splitting. This is a tendency to "polarize" others. They cannot be both good and bad at the same time, so a person is seen as either 100% good or 100% bad, depending on how the person acts and how the victim feels about the person.
• Passive-Aggression. Some victims get very aggressive, but others learn to show resentment and anger without appearing to show it. For instance, sulking, refusing to do something, or doing things to anger your partner but pretending you didn't know are all examples of this.
• Impulsiveness. Some victims become very impulsive, making spur-of-the-moment decisions without thought for the future. This can lead to promiscuity or dangerous decision making.
• Avoidance. If the victim can't deal with a problem or conflict, they will just ignore or avoid it. They may physically leave or avoid going home to see their parents for months, or they may pretend nothing is wrong to "cover up" the conflict.
• Rationalizing. This occurs when the victim intellectualizes or rationalizes the abuse. It wasn't so bad, or it only occurred because (insert reason here) occurred.
• Minimizing. The victim attempts to make the abuse seem less serious than it was, either through words or actions (such as smiling when talking about abuse).
• Control. Coming from an environment where the victim felt so completely out of control, the victim will often engage in a lifelong struggle to control everything! They hope this will make them safer. They want to control their environment (no surprises!) and the people around them and their own emotions. They want everything to be structured, controlled, and manageable. Strong emotions, either positive or negative, can be frightening to abuse victims.
• Low Self-Esteem. This one may seem obvious, but if someone else thought you were so worthless that they could abuse you for their own benefit, of course you might feel worthless as well. Many victims suffer from low self-esteem and worry a lot about what other people think of them, taking it very personally if one person dislikes them.
• Compliance. Some victims try to avoid conflict or being abandoned by giving in to everyone around them. These people are people pleasers to the extreme! They give in to their loved ones just so they will feel happy and not abuse or abandon the victim.
• Forgetting. Some abuse victims will temporarily forget the abuse even happened. When they remember, that can be very traumatic.
• Super-alertness. This symptom means the abuse victim is on high alert, all the time, waiting for something bad to happen! Their stress "fight or flight" syndrome is always going, ready for something bad to happen. This added stress can make them prone to being sick and tired from a lowered immune system.
• Busyness. Some victims keep themselves constantly busy so they don't have to deal with negative feelings. They lose themselves in their work or hobbies. This is also similar to workaholics, people who become addicted to their work.
• Manipulation. This is related to control. Abuse victims will sometimes attempt to manipulate or control those around them. They are trying to keep themselves "safe" by controlling the actions of those close to them.
• Lying. Some abuse victims become compulsive liars, especially if they were required to lie about the abuse during their childhood.
• Isolation from others. While some victims do to the other extreme, bouncing from relationship to relationship, others keep themselves "safe" by remaining isolated. They don't get very close to anyone and they may prefer to be alone where they know they can't be hurt.
• Nightmares or Lack of Sleep: Some people become so good at controlling their negative emotions when they are awake that they suffer from them coming out at night.
• Spacing Out. Some victims will actually have an "out of body" experience where they disconnect from their bodies during abuse (or perceived danger of abuse). They may feel like they're floating above their body, even watching the abuse happen to another person.
• Self-harm: People who attempt to self-harm may not be trying to hurt themselves, but just find a physical release for pent-up emotional baggage. This self-destructive behavior is, of course, not healthy, but some victims will feel so numb or negative that physical pain gives them release.
• Suicide. Suicide attempts are the final "coping mechanism" when all others fail and the victim sees no hope.

Of course, there are other coping mechanisms that victims can use to channel these negative emotions in a more positive way. For instance, meditation, calm breathing exercises, relaxation exercises, exercise, support groups, counseling, talking through problems, positive religion, and others can all be good ways victims can learn to handle their past abuse in a constructive and self-helping way.

Resouces:

http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-coping-mechanisms.htm
http://www.power2u.org/articles/trauma/ment_cope.html
http://www.aaets.org/article184.htm
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?id=9791&cn=353
http://www.csom.org/train/victim/2/material/Sect%202%20Handout%20-%20Coping%20Mechanisms.pdf
http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/CommonCoping.pdf
http://www.alcohol-addiction-info.com/Coping_Mechanisms_of_Codependents_of_Alcohol_Addiction.html

Being a Man: Taking the Initiative

Recently, my husband read two books about relationships, sex, and Christian marriage. Two. And even better, they were books I hadn't read yet.

It's no secret that the majority of self-help and Christian relationship books are purchased and read by women. But that's too bad, since half of the people in Christian relationships are men. Sometimes my husband will read a book after I've read it, but usually only because he's heard me talking about it and I'm nagging him to read it, too. And often, he starts it and doesn't finish it.

What does that tell me? Whether or not it's true, it makes me feel like I care more about the health of our relationship than he does (since I'm the one reading books to help us), that he doesn't show initiative (I was the one who got and read the book and encouraged him to follow) and that he doesn't have follow through (he starts a book, but doesn't finish it). That makes me sad and feel unimportant, not to mention that it makes me wonder if I can trust him to lead us in a Godly direction without follow-through or iniative. Maybe he has follow-through and initiative with his job, but why not with me?

So it was special to me that he read them. The first one, Sex and the Soul of a Woman by Paula Rinehart, was one I bought about five years ago and couldn't finish because I felt too depressed and guilty. He started it hoping to better understand me and how past sexual abuse has affected me, and he finished it in a few days. He even said it helped him understand how my past has affected me and our sex life together.

The second one, Love and War by the great couple John and Stasi Eldredge, was one we picked up at the grocery store and he read. We loved their earlier books, so he read through it and suddenly he was a lot more patient and understanding. We fought less for a few days. He made efforts to validate and understand me more often. It definitely brought about a nice change!

Being a man doesn't mean you have to read books, especially if that's not your thing, but it does mean taking the initiative. And sometimes it means taking the initiative in areas that maybe aren't your cup of tea. Like reading self-help books, or couple prayer time and Bible study, or starting a new volunteer ministry together as a couple in your community. Maybe you'd rather be watching the game or cleaning the car, but that's why leadership in a Christian relationship is a sacrifice. Because you do things that are important to her, or that help your relationship. Maybe reading books or spending time listening to some online sermons, or even just browsing Christian relationship websites or Bible commentaries online, is something you should consider.

It may not seem like fun to you, but your wife will be impressed you showed the self-initiative to try to improve your relationship, all on your own. She'll feel loved you spent time doing something that maybe you didn't really want to. And the information you find can only help the two of your relationship as you grow together toward Christ.

Do Men Need Sex?

Our society tells men that not only should they want, desire, and pursue sex, but their bodies need sex. That's right, just like fish need water and humans need sleep and food, men need sex. Without it, terrible things might happen, like you'd have an unfulfilled sex drive. No one claims something awful will happen, like your testicles will explode or your penis will fall off or you will lose the ability to father children. Some people claim a man who is not getting sex will feel grumpy or unfulfilled. Well, when I'm not shopping I feel grumpy and unfulfilled, but that doesn't mean shopping is a need for me. Lack of sex does not hurt men in any way, physically or emotionally.

Needs, to me, are things necessary for our well-being and survival. We need food, water, shelter, protection, and air. Without these, we will die or become sick. Wants, on the other hand, may make us uncomfortable or grouchy if they're not fulfilled, but we won't die. Yet in our society, wants are often confused with needs. If you want something a lot, think about it a lot, and whine about not having it a lot, people tell you it's a need. That's simply not true. You won't die without a new computer, no matter how much you want it, and you won't die without sex. Moreover, your quality of life will not decrease without sex. Sex isn't a need. It's a drive, and it's a want, and it can be a gift from God, but it's not a need.

Even medical articles and Christian books (usually written by men) will tell us: Men Need Sex. It's a biological drive (true), and it's unstoppable (false). Abstaining from sex is unhealthy and unnatural (also false). I've heard people blame all sorts of things on lack of sex or masturbation, such as rape or terrible cases of pedophilic priests. I blame these things on a fallen world and men giving in to their sinful temptations, not lack of sex.

Of course, there are statistics that clearly show that men may desire and pursue sex more than women. For instance:

• studies show men think about sex more often than women


• 66% of men masturabte, compared to 40% of women


• men masturbate more frequently than women


• men are more likely to seek out sex

But does this mean sex is a need? Or simply that in our "I want it and I want it NOW!" culture of instant gratification, people are confusing wants with needs? Just because a man may want sex more does not give him the right to claim sexual gratification is a need that he deserves to have fulfilled.

Researching for this blog post, I found many articles claiming that men need sex, either for physical or emotional reasons. Most of these were geared toward women, as though telling women that men NEED sexual intercourse should make us feel guilty for having standards, waiting for love and a marriage commitment, or like we owe it to men to put out.

One article said most men need sex to connect, as though men are inferior creature incapable of understanding emotions and intuition. Therefore, women should give men sex so they, too, can "connect" emotionally. The article said:

Men view sex as the true expression of love and usually think a relationship hasn't even started until it includes sex. One single man told the singles' publication SOLO that he doesn't really believe a woman loves him until they have sex. He said, "She can think she is showing love to me in many ways from cooking for me to waiting on me. But until we have sex, I do not feel loved."

So, the relationship does start until the man gets sex. This is absolute hogwash. How do I know? Well, to sound like a fundamentalist, because the Bible says. God created men, God created relationships, and God created sex. Therefore, I trust what He has to say about the matter. And He says that sex is good, but should be saved for a monogamous relationship within a lifelong marriage. If God created men and their sex drives, but still commands them to wait until marriage, then I believe that is just what men should do. They don't need sex. They don't need sex to connect, or to feel fulfilled, or to give or receive love to a women. Sex is a gift, not a right.

Well, of course if you tell men that it is unnatural and unhealthy for them to abstain from sex, they're going to believe it. But my question is, does society tell men they need sex, and do they believe it? I think most men today are sex maniacs because it's expected of them. I hear horror stories of parents who give their teenage sons pornography because it's "natural." Parents who allow their high school sons and daughters to have nighttime visitors of the opposite sex so they can "experience sex with no guilt." It's one thing for a parent to teach a teen that sex before marriage is wrong, but remain open and loving if they make bad decisions. It's another thing entirely to encourage those bad decisions and pretend they are good or natural.

Another article says:

Both men and women may desire sex but only men need sex. This is one of the crucial differences between men and women, a fact that very few men and fewer women know.

Just another example of our sex-crazed society trying to convince men they deserve sex in relationships, as opposed to earning the right to make love to your future wife by respecting her and obeying God. The article explains that men have seminal vesicles that make ejaculate and, when it is ready, send testosterone to the brain to trigger men to act more sexually. This is, in fact, true. The body wants release, and sends chemicals to the brain that make men more likely to want sex. But this doesn't mean they will get sick or hurt their bodies if they don't get sex. In fact, if a man's body has too much pressure on it and the man does not give in to his desire for sex or masturbation, the body can release the pressure through wet dreams--and the man has not committed any moral wrongs. But to imply that just because men want sex means that they need it is not only false, but a blatant contradiction of God Himself, who tells us to wait until marriage.

What if a married man has a sick or paralyzed wife? What if he is deployed and must live apart from his wife for years? If those who claim that men need sex are correct, this would mean he would have no choice but to cheat on his wife. We all know this is false, and a man who is physically unable to make love to his wife is still morally responsible to be faithful to her. In other words, he is required to abstain.

Let's take a good, hard look at what our society says about men and their so-called need for sex, with our Hooters and magazines and tv shows and medical articles about liberated sex. If our culture is to be believed, what does that say about men in general?

• they are controlled by their penises, rather than by God, by their hearts, morals, or minds


• they want to use women for their own pleasure


• they are inherently selfish, and use relationships to meet their own needs rather than to show Christlike love to their partners


• they lose their innocence as soon as they hit puberty, probably around 13 years old


• they have the right to disrespect strangers by looking at and jacking off to videos or pictures of them naked or in lingerie/bikinis


• they have a right to expect sexual favors from women in relationships with them, rather than giving of themselves to the woman. If the woman does not "deliver," men will just find someone else to meet their needs and end up cheating on the woman


• if their wives are sick, far away, pregnant, nursing, or otherwise unable to have sex, men will either be grouchy and unhappy or end up being cheaters


• wives and girlfriends owe men the use of their bodies as sexual objects because men "need" it, rather than reserving sex for a bonding and loving experience of self-giving


• men are emotional idiots who cannot understand emotions and therefore need sex to connect to women


• God, who created men, was wrong about the need for men to abstain until marriage


• God, who created sex, clearly had no idea what sex was about when he created rules about sex for our safety. We humans understand sex better than God, creator of sex Himself.


• men should be expected to be sex-hungry maniacs or else cheating scumbags


• men cannot and should not be selfless in bed


• relationships are meant for men's physical pleasure


• all men masturbate. If they don't, they are either sexually repressed or lying about it.


• Porn, erotica, strip clubs, and other things that fly in the face of all Christ taught us are normal and okay


• men shouldn't rape women, but it's okay to expect sex, and if a woman doesn't want to give it, it's okay to pressure her, complain, whine, beg, coerce, give her guilt trips, or leave her

If we look closely at the messages society sends us about men and sex, these are the messages. Oh, our culture tries to hide the messages under a blanket of "pleasure and fun for all!" and the idea that sex can be enjoyed without regard for the risks of STDs, pregnancy, sin, separation from God, and heartache. But deep beneath the messages, everyone who claims sexual liberation for men is really implying that men are ruled by their sex drive and incapable of connecting to women without intercourse.

Of course, we know that isn't true. We know men are created in God's own image. Men have souls, brains, hearts, and (gasp) even emotions. They are capable of great love and great daring. They can be brave, loving, selfless, giving, responsible, faithful, and obedient. They are leaders, warriors, and kings. They can be righteous and they can be noble. They are co-heirs with Jesus Christ to the very kingdom of heaven. They are not idiots, not ruled by sex, and not soulless and mindless sex maniacs who use woman. No matter what our culture tries to say about them, we know that God created them with the potential to be something more.

We know this because God tells us so in the Bible. We know this because we see this incarnate in the man Jesus Christ, who lived on this earth, walked our dusty roads, and never gave in to the temptation to have sex outside of marriage. Even without sex, Jesus was happy, successful, and holy. He gave Himself completely, selflessly, and wholly for those He loved, and He didn't make them trade sexual favors in return for His generosity.

If Jesus is what our men can be, why is society's view of what men are so different?

I think it's because we live in a fallen world, and this is just one more way Satan tries to drag us away from God and into sin. By making men (and women) believe that men have insatiable sex drives that must be fulfilled, he gives us an easy excuse for promiscuity, immodesty, fornication, adultery, sexual immorality, pornography, erotica, lewdness, coarse joking, and a host of other things that the Bible says clearly are sins. In essence, we make sex an idol. We make sex something it was never intended to be: a need, a right, an uncontrollable urge, a desire for selfishness.

Be careful of making sex an idol in your life. Do you use it for the glory of God, to honor Him and His commands, and to show Christlike, selfless love to your spouse? Or do you use it for your own pleasure or as a cheap fix for your relationships? Because remember, Jesus will come back. For those who live in righteousness and honor God with their lives, an eternity with God awaits. For those who believed Satan's and society's lies about sex, men, and love, there can be no happiness in the next life. Make sure you follow God's Word and no other.

I'll close with a verse from Revelations 22:14:

"Blessed are those who wash their robes, that they may have the right to the
tree of life and may go through the gates into the city. Outside are the dogs,
those who practice magic arts, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the
idolaters and everyone who loves and practices falsehood."

Articles I used for this blog:

Sex Drive: How Do Man and Women Differ?

Why Men Need Sex

Men and Sex for Women

What Women Need to Know About Men's Sexual Health

Sex Before and After Marriage

It is with a heavy heart that I'm reading Paula Rinehart's Sex and the Soul of a Woman. It hurts me to read it, not because I don't agree with the book, but because it touches a hurt place deep inside me where my sexuality has been scarred and, I think sometimes, has died completely. I think for victims of emotional or sexual abuse, this is a common feeling.

I tried to read this book once before, but the feelings of guilt were too much. I was in a sexually sinful relationship with a man I thought loved me and whom I thought I loved. In that relationship, I was completely torn: God demanded purity and abstinence, and my boyfriend expected oral, manual, and anal sex. My brain and my soul couldn't comprehend how I could fulfill both expectations at once. I loved both, and I wanted to be able to please both. My heart and my body and my soul were pulled in two opposite directions, and I allowed that to go on for months and months. A year later, when I finally came stumbling out of that relationship, irreparable damage had been done to my sexuality and my heart. I didn't trust men anymore. I didn't have much of anything left to give a future husband. I was damaged goods, and I was reeling from the pain of the relationship, my loss of self-esteem, and my torn, bloody heart. Because that is what happens, when God pulls you one way and someone else grabs the other arm and tries to pull you the other way. You rip. With two opposing sides pulling you so hard, your heart and soul and body slowly starts to rip and tear and bleed. With luck, you get out of whatever relationship is trying to pull you from God and go the other direction. I didn't get out of mine for 12 months. At the end of that time, so much damage had been done from my heart being split in two opposite directions that years later, it is still scarred and tender. I'm not sure it will ever completely heal, although I trust my Lord Jesus that I will heal enough to live my life.

So while this book touches a sad, broken part of me, I still think it is good for me to read. It talks a lot about the pain women like me go through when our boyfriends and culture tell us that we are expected to be sexual. Even Christian boys may not expect you to have sex before marriage, but they sure do expect something. Sex is the price you pay in our society to be loved. It's expected. If you don't give it, a man can easily find scores of other women offering to give it. In a dog-eat-dog market, no wonder women give pieces of themselves away so quickly.

Once you are married, the sexual dilemma doesn't go away. What about all those pieces of your heart and sexuality you gave away to random men in the crowd as you slowly made you way to find your husband? What about those missing pieces? When you finally find The One, you're bleeding and weak and you have huge chunks of your sexuality missing, lost in the crowd. You can't get them back. So you try to have marital intimacy, but you only have half or a quarter of yourself to give. And every sexual encounter reminds you of the ones you had, the ones that hurt you, and the great sex you could have been having if you'd just made better decisions. You're broken, you're hurting, and it's all your own fault. Is it any wonder marital intimacy is so hard to find for Christian women in today's world?

I'm not sure the Bible even helps the matter. The Bible is very clear about sexual purity before marriage, but it is mostly silent on how to have great, spiritually intimate sex after marriage. Jesus doesn't mention it. The only time Paul really talks about it at all is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, in my opinion one of the most depressing passages for wives anywhere.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.

This passage is really depressing to me. It says that sex, what is supposed to be one of the most wonderful, pleasurable, intimate, and loving things a married couple can experience together, is a "marital duty." Wow. Suddenly the fun is gone and sex is a duty. The woman doesn't even have the right to say whether or not her husband can penetrate her. Sex can either be one of the most wonderful, validating, fulfilling, bonding experiences in the world (making love) or one of the most horrible, painful, shameful, degrading experiences (rape/coercion). Rather than a woman inviting a man she loves and trusts into herself, this passage says she has the obligation to let her husband penetrate and invade her. And it's not better for the husbands. Rather than going to his wife in love and self-giving, he has to feel obligated to give it to her even if he doesn't want to share his body.

I believe the Bible is the Word of God, but this passage is hard for me. I've read commentaries that explain it. During that time, some pseudo-spiritual "Christians" were telling other Christians that the flesh was so sinful they should abstain from all fleshly pursuits. Sex, even among happily married couples, was out. Of course, that's not what God intended, so Paul heard about it and put an end to that in his letter. He told the believing Corinthians that such pseudo-spirituality was bogus, and married couples had no right to withhold sex from each other til they died in the pursuit of "higher spirituality." In fact, he told them, you should give yourself to your spouse as a sacrifice, even if you don't want it, so that your sexual needs are met and Satan can't tempt you.

I understand what Paul meant, but churches now interpret this to mean men and women can't say no to sex. What about people going through depression? What about people with chronic pain? What about marriages going through a hard time, when to give yourself to someone feels more like an invasion and less like a loving bond? Is sex good then?

In her book, Paula Rinehart talks about "the notion that a woman is a prize in her own right."

Marriage isn't the end of the pursuit. Many men seem to think you have to pursue a girl until you get the ring on her finger, but that isn't true. You have to pursue a woman's heart forever. Women need to be pursued, sought after, loved. They need to feel that they are worth the effort of the chase to a man. Even with her husband. Especially with her husband. She wants to be known deeply. She wants to be understood. She wants someone to look into the darkest corner of her heart, even the parts she is trying to shield from his eyes, and see what's there anyway. Someone who can look into those dusty corners, recognize what's there, and still look her in the eyes and tell her simply, "Who you are is beautiful."

But what happened to this idea that women are prizes? That each woman is a prize in her own right, because she is made in the image of God, with a particular purpose from God? Is her husband even aware of how this woman reflects God to the world? What her particular purposes are? What about her beauty, her personality, her heart, and her interests reflect God? We each reflect God in some way, and to each of us He has given us parts of Him that we show to the world. For this woman, what is she reflecting? Does her husband even care? Even think about this? If he knows, does he tell her that he knows? Does he tell other people? Is it apparent to this woman and those around her that he knows and treats her accordingly?

Paula Rinehart says that long ago, "so much more was required of a man."

He didn't have to just provide for her. He had to pursue her. Men now think that sex is a right, a gift that women owe them. Our culture tells them that they must have sex, and that it is impossible or abnormal to keep their sex drive in check. This message does a great disservice to men and to women. When a man believes he cannot or should not control his sex drive, but that pornography, masturbation, making out, lewd jokes and locker room stories, oral sex, feeling up, staring at girls' breasts, and seeing naked (or immodestly dressed) women in magazines and movies is normal and right, he acts accordingly. I've had boyfriends who could not stop masturbating every day, even when they tried. Others who explained sexual sin by saying they had "needs." The truth is, neither men nor women have sexual "needs." We have sexual "wants," but they are not needs like food or water or air. We will not die without them, no matter what our culture tries to tell us.

In her book, Ms. Rinehart says:

So much more was required of a man. He actually expected to have to court a woman's affection--sometimes riding the train for the day to see her for a few hours, expecting nothing more sexual than a kiss. When a man took a woman out, her care and good time were his responsibility.

What happened to this world, where men felt responsible to women to provide them with a good time, rather than feeling they were owed sexual favors? Most men don't expect sexual favors in exchange for paying for a date the first few dates, but after a few weeks or months of dating, sex (or some sexual activity) is required. I have acquaintances who believe "sex is important to a relationship." While that is absolutely, 100% true, these men take it to mean that a couple should have sex early to decide whether or not they are compatible. They see no purpose to dating, only to discover that they are not "sexually compatible" after a few months or years. They would rather have sex now to make sure the relationship "works" before they invest time or emotion into it.

This pervasive opinion is one of young Christian singles' worst enemies. When men and women think sex should come before time and emotion, they have misunderstood the entire basis of lifelong relationships. Sexual spark will come and go, but time and affection and mutual sacrifice will not. In fact, sexual spark can be encouraged or discouraged, and even the most physically unattractive person can grow to seem attractive and sexy if he has the right attitude, heart, and love and respect for a woman.

A Christian who tries to persuade his girlfriend that they should "mess around" because of his "needs" is not acting like Christ, who put the needs of His church before His own. A woman who believes she has nothing to offer men but her sexual favors, even if they are small ones like sexual making out, lewd sexual jokes, or revealing clothing, shows a basic misunderstanding of her God-given purpose in life. Her role is not to be a sexual object, the object of a man's entertainment or sexual pleasure, but his life mate and spiritual helpmeet, and a cherished, loved, and respected partner. Even after marriage, to make Christian couples feel that sex is an obligation rather than a Divine gift.... it seems to me this does not live up to God's creation of sex as a wonderful way for married couples to bond, express love, and create other living souls.

Leadership Qualities for a Man

While both men and women can be leaders (in parenting, in the workforce, in their communities, and in politics), in homes it is the man who is called to lead. This doesn't mean he has to boss his wife around, or even that he can't delegate some tasks to her. But in today's society, many men are not taught how to lead. They are taught to be passive and to take orders, or else to fight and gain what they want through intimidation or violence. Many men don't know what it takes to be a leader.

What are some characteristics of a Christian male leader? Whether a Christian man is called to leadership in his job, community, hobbies, church, friends, or family, some characteristics remain the same.

Let's look at 1 Timothy 3, a great passage about male leadership. Paul is writing to his protoge, Timothy, about the qualifications for men wanting to be deacons (translated "overseers" in the NIV version) in the Church. Since a deacon is clearly a position of leadership, these characteristics describe what Paul saw as the ideal Christian leader.

Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgment as the devil. He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil's trap. Deacons, likewise, are to be men worthy of respect, sincere, not indulging in much wine, and not pursuing dishonest gain. They must keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience. -1 Timothy 3:2-9

In 1 Peter 3:7, Paul gives further instructions to husbands leading their wives and families:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat
them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious
gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Colossians 3:19 has further instructions for husbands:

Love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Paul gives several criteria for male leaders. Here they are:

• Moral: Paul says that leaders should make good moral and ethical decisions. Decisions should be based on the Bible and made after careful thought, prayer, and Bible study, not based on a feeling or your own desires. Husbands should ask not what they want, but what decision will be best for their wives and families. Paul gives some specifics; a husband should not be divorced, so should be faithful to his wife. He shouldn't quarrel and should control his temper. He should not seek money but eternal rewards. He should be honest with everyone, even when it is difficult or may have negative consequences for your job or relationships. A good Christian leader is first of all moral. He does what is right, not partly right or half-heartedly, but 100%, no matter the consequences or how unpopular that decision may make him.
• Good leadership skills: A leader should exhibit good leadership skills. Not only should he manage his wife and children, but outsiders should respect him. That means he is a capable, strong leader both within and without his home. He leads his wife and children, his friends, his family, his coworkers, his church members, and all the groups he is part of. People look up to him as an example of a godly, moral man and come to him for advice and help. People trust him and follow his example, which should be completely righteous in the way he lives his life.
• Controlled: A leader controls his selfish instincts and does what is best for his followers. He controls his temper. He loves his wife, even when she is unlovable or he is angry with her and doesn't want to love her. He keeps himself from excesses of alcohol, food, sex, or any other addictions. He doesn't do what he wants to do, like making selfish decisions, but controls his own desires and cares for those under his leadership.
• Respectable: A Christian leader is worthy of respect. He follows God's Word---and to follow it, he must know it. He probably spends time studying the Word and working to keep his life lined up with it. He conducts himself honestly and righteously. He has morals and character others can respect. He is strong and stable, making good decisions and sticking to them, not making decisions in a rush or without enough forethought to carry them through.
• Faithful: A leader must "keep hold of the deep truths of the faith." This means he is knows the deep truths of faith, not just the basic or easy or popular ones. He knows God is working in his life, and he trust Him completely. He follows Jesus in all his decisions. Even when life is hard and others around him doubt, he trusts God. He attends church, studies his Bible, and helps those less fortunate. He shows the world around him God's love, whether that is in his community, church, family, or work. People can tell he's a devout Christian by his words and actions. Perhaps he volunteers at the church or in the community or leads a Bible study.
• Tender: A husband is not harsh with his wife, either in his words or his actions. He doesn't yell at her, belittle her, or lose patience with her. He doesn't give her the silent treatment or get annoyed with her for not being perfect. He is patient, loving, and tender. He understands his wife and his children's needs, and he strives to meet them. He knows his family has emotional needs, and he is sensitive and atuned to those. He knows their spiritual needs, and he always leads them closer to God. He knows their physical needs and keeps them cared for, provided for, and safe.
• Respectful: A leader is worthy of respect, but he also gives respect. He treats his wife and all his followers with respect. He does not take advantage of her weakness, either physical, spiritual, or emotional. He loves her for the gifts she brings to their relationship and to God's kingdom, and treats her respectfully because of them.
• Considerate: The husband Paul describes is considerate toward his wife and family. Another word for considerate could be "thoughtful." He doesn't wait to be asked or nagged into doing something, but tries to anticipate his family's needs and meet them. If he can't anticipate them, he responds immediately to their needs. He thinks of his wife and ways he could make her happy. Perhaps he offers to help her with her chores, brings flowers, gets a babysitter, plans a night out, massages her back, runs her a bubble bath, buys her a favorite book or cd, or takes her to her favorite show. This husband knows his wife and uses that knowledge to anticipate and meet her needs.
• Loving: A Christian leader is most of all loving. They love their wives, and "love" is both an action and a feeling. It is not only one or the other, for this is an incomplete idea of love. Love must be a feeling--wanting to protect, cherish, and care for someone who is important to you. He wants to make her happy and keep her spiritually and emotionally healthy, and he feels happy being around her. Love is also an action--he must act loving, maybe even when he can't feel the emotion. He makes sacrifices so his loved one is cared for and feels cherished and needed. A Christian husband shows his wife love the way she understands it and wants it to be expressed, not when he feels like it and in the way he thinks she should want it.

When Women Make Men Idols

I've found a great blog by Christian author Paula Rinehart right here in the Blogger community.

Paula talks about women and their relationships with men. When do our desires for our husbands, fathers, boyfriends, and male friends to be leaders and guides turn into idolatry? We long for men to lead us, to understand us, to know us. We want the warrior king of the God in the Old Testament, the loving friend and brother of Jesus in the New Testament, the strength of Sampson, the faith of Abraham, the powerful personality of Paul, the warrior of Joshua, the love of God of David, and the tender ministrations of Jesus. All in one man.

Can any man do that? Probably not. But we yearn for it.... we long for the men in our lives to fulfill that hole in our hearts left by the Fall. Adam was too passive, so we yearn for strength. Moses was too insecure, yet we long for self-confidence. Peter was too simple, so we want education and wit. The men in movies, songs, and books seem to be all these things. We yearn for that love and protection. Why can't our own fathers, boyfriends, brothers, and husbands give us the same?

I can't answer that question. I can say that we women yearn for that strong, perfect, godly man because... well, because we are meant to. Our hearts know that all these wonderful personality traits, this love and understanding and faith and confidence and grace, are possible. We've seen in in Jesus Himself. We long for a man to love us that way. Oh, we know Jesus already loves us that way. But for now, He is in heaven and He cannot touch us, hold us, talk to us, reassure us, or make love to us. We want someone tangible. Someone to protect us, provide for us, love us, understand us, grow us, and minister to our hearts and minds and souls. The perfect man.

Of course, that doesn't exist. Only Jesus can fulfill that hole in our hearts. Yet the men in our lives are also called to be like Jesus to us. God has put a part of Himself in every man on earth, and we sense inside our insecure, annoying friends and husbands and fathers, a king and warrior or savior and peacemaker. We long for that to come out and be used for our protection and provision.

It's not unBiblical to compare men to Jesus. Ephesians 5 tells us all to "be imitators of God." It goes farther and says of men and their relationships with women:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior... Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

These verses compare men to Jesus Himself. They call husbands to lead their wives the way Jesus leads them. It talks to husbands of following Jesus' example of sacrifice, cleansing, healing, sanctifying, and leading their wives. This is the ultimate charge for husbands. I don't know if it's possible to ever completely succeed at this model of marriage while on earth, but it is clear men are called to be the embodiment of Jesus Christ for their wives as much as they are able. Likewise, women should respond as the Church responds to its Savior.

This verse speaks so much to me. It tells me that we women long for a man to be Jesus for us because men are made in His image and called to love us like Him. Some part of us--some vulnerable, longing part of us--senses that potential for strength and leadership in him, and yearns for it to be shown to us completely.

Of course, it can't be shown to us completely. Only Jesus can do that. But when our hearts long for real arms to envelop us, real words to speak to us through our heartaches and tears, we cannot look to Jesus for that. Oh, He loves us and speaks to us through His Word, but it is not the same as hearing a real voice and feeling real hands wipe away your tears. It is not the same as being held against a real, warm chest and feeling healing hands stroking your hair.

Here on earth we are in a fallen state. Whether you take the Biblical accound of Adam, Eve, and the Garden of Eden literally or metaphorically, somehow we are in a fallen world where Satan has control and Jesus won't come back to right it until.... well, we don't know when. We know He is coming, and that the ultimate outcome will be His victory, but we don't know when that will happen. So we are left here, with shadows of Jesus echoed in the men around us, longing for more and to feel His arms around us.

Some day, I believe we will feel that. But the Bible is clear that it won't be here and now, at least not completely. No matter how much we nag and beg our husbands to be Jesus for us, they probably can't do it 100%. God is telling me this today through his Psalms; take for instance this quote from Psalm 60:

...The help of man is worthless. -Psalm 60:11b.

Although the writer of this psalm was talking about war, I think it applies to all our lives. After all, our lives are one big war against Satan, until we finish the race and go home to heaven. Men and women can sometimes show us the heart of Jesus (we are called to be His body on earth, after all), but eventually they will fail. Also consider this psalm quote:

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvations comes from Him. He alone is my
rock and my salvation; He is my fortress. -Psalm 62:1-2

Sometimes, the men in our lives can minister to us as Jesus does. I do believe they should try. But when your heart is breaking and the men in your life have failed you, perhaps you should retreat to a quiet place, listen to some music, have some quiet prayer time, or simply read your Bible. Ask Jesus to be with you in that place. Ask Him to heal you and show you His love. In the end, it's something only He can do perfectly. All you have to do is ask.