Are you a good communicator?
Most of you would probably answer yes. But most of you actually communicate much less effectively than you think you do. That is because, when you are talking, you know what you want to say and how you mean it. So of course you think you are a good communicator! The catch of communicating is that it is two-fold: you must send the message, and your partner must receive it. So if you are sending a mixed, unclear, or garbled message, your partner is not correctly receiving it, and hence, you are not communicating well.
We garble our messages when we do not clearly convey what we meant to say. Maybe we don't have the vocabulary or verbal fluency. Many of us don't communicate well when we get flustered or upset and angry. Or maybe you are saying what thing, but your tone and face say another. In this case, your partner is going to receive a mixed message; you are not doing your job to communicate well.
One way many of us could improve at communicating is by expressing our feelings, not our thoughts. For some reason, our culture tells is that it is okay for us to express rational thoughts and judgments, but not feelings or emotions. Our culture has especailly done a grave disservice in this area to men, who are specifically expected to be "rational" and not "emotional" creatures. This is ridiculous, since God created all of us human, and by nature both men and women are both rational and emotional. So men, it's okay to be emotional; God made you that way!
Yes, many men are less emotional than women. There's nothing wrong with that. And many women aren't naturally very emotional; this is fine, too. But the problem is that relationships rely on communication and expression, and in love, it is emotion and not ration that counts.
So how do you express your feelings, not your thoughts?
Let's see this example:
Jacob is upset because of something that happened at church. He tells his wife, "I can't believe the pastor let that man talk like that. It was completely uncalled for. That was totally wrong!"
Has Jacob expressed his feelings?
No. He has expressed his opinion, which is his thoughts. This is not normally difficult for men or women to do. We have no problem judging each other and stating our opinions! "I can't believe you did that!" "You are so selfish," "You never listen to me," and "That is so wrong" are common expressions between spouses. Unfortunately, these opinions do nothing to express our thoughts or fix the conversation; we are wasting our breath by providing useless information that does not help our spouse understand our point or know how to fix the problem.
However, if Jacob had said, "I can't believe the pastor let that happen. I felt so angry! How could he let that man continue? I feel betrayed, like he didn't defend our church at all." Here, Jacon is expressing his thoughts and his feelings (anger, betrayal).
Nor surprisingly, the most accepted emotion for men to feel is, you guessed it!, anger. If men have to feel an emotion, we prefer for it to be a strong, aggressive, "manly" emotion like anger, fury, or hatred. Why is this? It's certainly not biblical. God, whom I believe is the embodiment of masculinity, certainly feels anger, hatred, and fury in the Bible. But He also feels sadness, loss, lonliness, confusion, hurt, love, vulnerability, and openess.
Men are human, too. So naturally, they feel emotions like sadness, hurt, lonliness, and rejection. They can feel depressed, mopey, and blue. The problem is many men--and women--have been taught to hide these emotions. This prohibits us from admitting and sharing our true emotions with our lover, who deserves to know everything we think and feel.
Next time you are trying to communicate, sit down and make a list of how you "feel." Then sit back and read it. You will probably be surprised at how many of your "feelings" are actually not emotions at all, but opinions, statements, judgments, and thoughts. These tell what you think about something, but not how that affects you inside.
Generally, our spouses are not interested in what we "think." They probably already know it anyway. They are interested in how this affects us, why we feel that way, and what they can do to help; in essence, they want to know how we "feel."
What if you are so out of touch with your emotions that you're not even sure how to begin describing them? Perhaps the list below will help. Usually you will feel many emotions at once (you are hurt, which makes you sad and also angry), so pick as many as you need to describe yourself. Remember, there is no such thing as a "bad" emotion or an emotion that you "shouldn't feel." Your emotions are yours, and you have the right to feel them. They don't make you wrong, or a bad person, or unhealthy; they just make you human!
Emotions: happy, sad, jealous, angry, furious, confused, disoriented, overwhelmed, emotional, vulnerable, unhappy, depressed, gloomy, blue, possessive, mad, enraged, livid, irritated, frustrated, ticked off, saddened, lonely, alone, isolated, dazed, worried, anxious, panicky, nervous, distressed, envious, compassionate, mournful, sympathetic, unsympathetic, uncaring, vengeful, gleeful, satisfied, empathetic, needy, clingy, troubled, grief-stricken, despondent, afraid, frightened, uncertain, shy, scared, cowardly, timid, outgoing, confident, ashamed, bewildered, greedy, lustful, hateful, longing, delighted, smug, thrilled, exhilirated, joyful, disgusted, surprised, disappointed, optimistic, pessimistic, loving, remoreseful, guilty, dominant, controlling, pained, submissive, passive, contemptible, aggressive, awed, proud, cheerful, accepting, taxed, overburdened, content, underwhelmed, enthusiastic, amused, eager, hopeful, astonished, amazed, relieved, aggravated, annoyed, grouchy, grumpy, exasperated, giggly, teary, weepy, emotional, anguished, hurt, tormented, hopeless, gloomy, despairing, miserable, melancholy, sorrowful, dismayed, displeased, energetic, pitying, alarmed, jittery, insulted, offended, dejected, insecure, defeated, secure, terrified, hysterical, mortified, tense, uneasy, dreading, apprehensive, wondering, complete, relaxed, patient, stressed, impatient, rushed, hurried, harried, secure, appreciative, mystified, exhausted, avoidant, indifferent, reluctant, repulsed, understanding.
I'm sure there are more, but this should do! :) (I did this with help from Wikipedia!)
Are there more positive or negative emotions in this list? Negative. So you guessed it, it is okay to feel negative emotions. It doesn't make you a bad person to feel repulsed, smug, and vengeful. It doesn't make you less masculine to feel anguished, worried, or vulnerable. It doesn't make you less feminine to feel dominant, aggressive, and enraged. Your emotions are okay!
Try to become more aware of your feelings and accept them. Then, try to clearly communicate them to your spouse. Eventually, this will make you better at expressing yourself and will lead to a better, more emotionally open relationship.
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