"Is it more important to be right...
or to be happy?" -Unknown
Of all the types of validation, what I call the "repeat back" strategy is probably the most advanced, and therefore, also the most effective...and the most difficult. It may take some getting used to if you're not a natural validator, but I can promise you, the effort will be well worth it.
This particular form of validation is unique because it requires you to listen, process, and understand all that you've heard, then summarize it, paraphrase, and repeat it back. Sometimes, you're trying to do this while ignoring and censoring your own strong emotions, judgments, and reactions to the subject, especially if your partner is saying something you know to be false, incorrect, or unfair.
So why, you ask, should I go to the trouble of validating my partner if I know he's not right? If he's accusing me, putting words in my mouth, and angry? In short, why does he deserve validation if he's wrong?
The answer is: because he's human. Because you love him. Because you'd rather keep your relationship than make a point. Because you'd rather be happy with him than right all alone.
And sometimes that is the choice we must make, to make our relationships work. Would we rather be right... or happy?
And so, the "repeat back" strategy comes into play, even when it may be difficult to do.
If you are a man, you might need to practice validation during conversations. Often, when women complain (either about you or about other things...family, friends, feeling fat, her job, the kids, etc.), they don't want you to fix the problem, they want you to emphathize with (or understand) the problem. That's right: she doesn't want advice, or how you would have handled it, or helpful tips to make it better. As a man, you may be dying to play the hero and show her how to fix her problem, because that's what men do when they love and care for a woman. But this woman doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen. And understand.
If your partner is saying lots of things like, "You know?" or "Am I crazy?" during conversations, this warns you that her validation meter is running low. Women who keep asking you for validation do so because they don't feel validated or comforted by the responses they're already getting. (Some common signs you need to jump in and take a more active, validating role in the conversation are when these phrases start popping up often in her story or at the end of her sentences: You know?, Right?, You understand?, Am I wrong?, What do you think?, Am I crazy?, Am I right?, Wouldn't you?, I mean, etc.)
A sure sign I'm not feeling validated enough in a conversation with my partner is when my story starts to sound like this: "I mean, I couldn't believe she said that, you know? I was just standing there and she made a comment about my weight, you know? I mean, am I crazy? Isn't that just so rude? I mean, would you be mad? Jennie said she would have been furious! I was just so hurt, you know? What do you think? Am I wrong?"
Yep, most women can look at that conversation and realize, "Oops. That girl is just begging for feedback!" But because my partner is a man (and a very loving, caring man), he doesn't get the silent signs. I have been sharing my feelings, which is naturally vulnerable for me. And I didn't get the feedback I was looking for. So I start to doubt myself, and start asking continually for more feedback. The longer he goes on just listening, the more those little key phrases are going to start popping up in my story. I'm waiting for a reaction like, "Wow! I'd have been so furious!" or "No way! I can't believe she did that to you!" If I keep getting no reaction, eventually my story will get so bogged down with validation-seeking comments that I'll just stop and ask desperately, "What do you think?!" Ideally, he should validate me long before that, and keep doing so continually throughout my story, mirroring my emotions and getting more upset as I do.
So how would the repeat-back strategy work? I'll give you two examples, one in a regular conversation (no conflict) and one in a fight (conflict). Of course, the one with no conflict is easier to do, but they are both possible, and actually very helpful.
Repeat-Back Strategy #1: Elena and Jim Talk
Elena: I've had such a terrible day.
Jim: Really? What happened?
Elena: You don't want to know.
Jim: Sure I do! Tell me what happened.
Elena: (sighs) I don't want to talk about it.
Jim: Are you sure? You seem pretty upset. Honey, I want to hear about your day. Tell me.
Elena: Well, it was terrible! First my mother called. She had to talk for an hour and she was complaining and I couldn't get the kids ready for school.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Elena: Then, the kids were being terrible! Lacy wouldn't get ready and when I finally got off the phone Jimmy had none of his homework done from last night!
Jim: Wow. So your mom stressed you out, and then the kids just added to it.
Elena: Right! Then, I finally got the kids to school, and I headed to work, but there was a traffic jam, and then my secretary called, and my first meeting got moved up, so I was almost late. I didn't have time to prepare. Then my clients kept calling in and having to reschedule. It was chaos!
Jim: So you'd already had a stressful morning, and then this stuff at work just made you feel worse.
Elena: Yes! I was so stressed!
Jim: Right. It seemed like nothing could go right today.
Elena: Exactly. Yes, that's right. Like nothing could go right.
Jim: Then what else?
Elena: Nothing else. The afternoon was fine. But I just felt like my day was ruined.
Jim: The whole day had been ruined because it got off to a bad beginning. First your mother, then the kids, then the traffic and work.
Elena: Right. A terrible day.
Jim: I understand. I'd have felt stressed out, too! Why don't you let me rub your neck for a while?
Notice that while Jim did not pressure Elena to tell him anything, he was immediately engaged and willing to listen at her first indication that she'd had a bad day and wanted to talk to him. He encouraged her to share with him from the beginning.
Also note that Jim did not attempt to "steal the limelight" from Elena by telling his own, similar story, giving her unasked-for advice, or trying to "fix" the problem. He encouraged her to talk, but did not ever add in his own thoughts or additions. This conversation was all about letting Elena talk and letting her know she'd been understood. He didn't attempt to put words in her mouth, but simply rephrased the things she'd already told him to make sure he'd understood correctly and let her know he cared.
Repeat Back Strategy #2: Kristy and Matt Fight
Matt: You're always so stubborn! You never want to listen to me! All I'm saying is we should save more money. We shouldn't have to argue about which bills to pay!
Krista: You don't like to worry about money, and you think I don't listen to you in this area.
Matt: You don't listen! I told you I was worried about the bills this month, but you went out and bought the kids Christmas presents, anyway! And that new lamp for our room! You never listen to anything I say!
Krista: You're frustrated because I didn't listen to you. Now you feel we've spent too much money this month.
Matt: Not too much money necessarily. But we might have!
Krista: You don't even like to worry about the possibility.
Matt: Exactly! It's so infuriating!
Krista: It just makes you feel angry.
Matt: And helpless.
Krista: I understand.
Notice that, even when Matt was being angry and rather hateful, Krista did not respond with defensiveness or anger. She did not defend her point of view or try to make him see things her way. She simply repeated back what he'd said to check for understanding. When she understood incorrectly, this gave him a chance to correct her, and then she re-checked for understanding until she got it right.
Krista never said she was wrong or agreed with Matt. She did not admit fault. There will be time later, when Matt is calmer, for her to tell him her point of view and be validated in turn. But for now, in this conversation, she only tries to understand Matt and let him know she is listening. She repeats back what she hears in her own words, so she knows she understands him and he knows she is listening.
And that, my friends, is how the "Repeat Back" validation strategy works.
or to be happy?" -Unknown
Of all the types of validation, what I call the "repeat back" strategy is probably the most advanced, and therefore, also the most effective...and the most difficult. It may take some getting used to if you're not a natural validator, but I can promise you, the effort will be well worth it.
This particular form of validation is unique because it requires you to listen, process, and understand all that you've heard, then summarize it, paraphrase, and repeat it back. Sometimes, you're trying to do this while ignoring and censoring your own strong emotions, judgments, and reactions to the subject, especially if your partner is saying something you know to be false, incorrect, or unfair.
So why, you ask, should I go to the trouble of validating my partner if I know he's not right? If he's accusing me, putting words in my mouth, and angry? In short, why does he deserve validation if he's wrong?
The answer is: because he's human. Because you love him. Because you'd rather keep your relationship than make a point. Because you'd rather be happy with him than right all alone.
And sometimes that is the choice we must make, to make our relationships work. Would we rather be right... or happy?
And so, the "repeat back" strategy comes into play, even when it may be difficult to do.
If you are a man, you might need to practice validation during conversations. Often, when women complain (either about you or about other things...family, friends, feeling fat, her job, the kids, etc.), they don't want you to fix the problem, they want you to emphathize with (or understand) the problem. That's right: she doesn't want advice, or how you would have handled it, or helpful tips to make it better. As a man, you may be dying to play the hero and show her how to fix her problem, because that's what men do when they love and care for a woman. But this woman doesn't want you to fix it, she just wants you to listen. And understand.
If your partner is saying lots of things like, "You know?" or "Am I crazy?" during conversations, this warns you that her validation meter is running low. Women who keep asking you for validation do so because they don't feel validated or comforted by the responses they're already getting. (Some common signs you need to jump in and take a more active, validating role in the conversation are when these phrases start popping up often in her story or at the end of her sentences: You know?, Right?, You understand?, Am I wrong?, What do you think?, Am I crazy?, Am I right?, Wouldn't you?, I mean, etc.)
A sure sign I'm not feeling validated enough in a conversation with my partner is when my story starts to sound like this: "I mean, I couldn't believe she said that, you know? I was just standing there and she made a comment about my weight, you know? I mean, am I crazy? Isn't that just so rude? I mean, would you be mad? Jennie said she would have been furious! I was just so hurt, you know? What do you think? Am I wrong?"
Yep, most women can look at that conversation and realize, "Oops. That girl is just begging for feedback!" But because my partner is a man (and a very loving, caring man), he doesn't get the silent signs. I have been sharing my feelings, which is naturally vulnerable for me. And I didn't get the feedback I was looking for. So I start to doubt myself, and start asking continually for more feedback. The longer he goes on just listening, the more those little key phrases are going to start popping up in my story. I'm waiting for a reaction like, "Wow! I'd have been so furious!" or "No way! I can't believe she did that to you!" If I keep getting no reaction, eventually my story will get so bogged down with validation-seeking comments that I'll just stop and ask desperately, "What do you think?!" Ideally, he should validate me long before that, and keep doing so continually throughout my story, mirroring my emotions and getting more upset as I do.
So how would the repeat-back strategy work? I'll give you two examples, one in a regular conversation (no conflict) and one in a fight (conflict). Of course, the one with no conflict is easier to do, but they are both possible, and actually very helpful.
Repeat-Back Strategy #1: Elena and Jim Talk
Elena: I've had such a terrible day.
Jim: Really? What happened?
Elena: You don't want to know.
Jim: Sure I do! Tell me what happened.
Elena: (sighs) I don't want to talk about it.
Jim: Are you sure? You seem pretty upset. Honey, I want to hear about your day. Tell me.
Elena: Well, it was terrible! First my mother called. She had to talk for an hour and she was complaining and I couldn't get the kids ready for school.
Jim: Uh-huh.
Elena: Then, the kids were being terrible! Lacy wouldn't get ready and when I finally got off the phone Jimmy had none of his homework done from last night!
Jim: Wow. So your mom stressed you out, and then the kids just added to it.
Elena: Right! Then, I finally got the kids to school, and I headed to work, but there was a traffic jam, and then my secretary called, and my first meeting got moved up, so I was almost late. I didn't have time to prepare. Then my clients kept calling in and having to reschedule. It was chaos!
Jim: So you'd already had a stressful morning, and then this stuff at work just made you feel worse.
Elena: Yes! I was so stressed!
Jim: Right. It seemed like nothing could go right today.
Elena: Exactly. Yes, that's right. Like nothing could go right.
Jim: Then what else?
Elena: Nothing else. The afternoon was fine. But I just felt like my day was ruined.
Jim: The whole day had been ruined because it got off to a bad beginning. First your mother, then the kids, then the traffic and work.
Elena: Right. A terrible day.
Jim: I understand. I'd have felt stressed out, too! Why don't you let me rub your neck for a while?
Notice that while Jim did not pressure Elena to tell him anything, he was immediately engaged and willing to listen at her first indication that she'd had a bad day and wanted to talk to him. He encouraged her to share with him from the beginning.
Also note that Jim did not attempt to "steal the limelight" from Elena by telling his own, similar story, giving her unasked-for advice, or trying to "fix" the problem. He encouraged her to talk, but did not ever add in his own thoughts or additions. This conversation was all about letting Elena talk and letting her know she'd been understood. He didn't attempt to put words in her mouth, but simply rephrased the things she'd already told him to make sure he'd understood correctly and let her know he cared.
Repeat Back Strategy #2: Kristy and Matt Fight
Matt: You're always so stubborn! You never want to listen to me! All I'm saying is we should save more money. We shouldn't have to argue about which bills to pay!
Krista: You don't like to worry about money, and you think I don't listen to you in this area.
Matt: You don't listen! I told you I was worried about the bills this month, but you went out and bought the kids Christmas presents, anyway! And that new lamp for our room! You never listen to anything I say!
Krista: You're frustrated because I didn't listen to you. Now you feel we've spent too much money this month.
Matt: Not too much money necessarily. But we might have!
Krista: You don't even like to worry about the possibility.
Matt: Exactly! It's so infuriating!
Krista: It just makes you feel angry.
Matt: And helpless.
Krista: I understand.
Notice that, even when Matt was being angry and rather hateful, Krista did not respond with defensiveness or anger. She did not defend her point of view or try to make him see things her way. She simply repeated back what he'd said to check for understanding. When she understood incorrectly, this gave him a chance to correct her, and then she re-checked for understanding until she got it right.
Krista never said she was wrong or agreed with Matt. She did not admit fault. There will be time later, when Matt is calmer, for her to tell him her point of view and be validated in turn. But for now, in this conversation, she only tries to understand Matt and let him know she is listening. She repeats back what she hears in her own words, so she knows she understands him and he knows she is listening.
And that, my friends, is how the "Repeat Back" validation strategy works.
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