When Fights Go Too Far

Fighting and conflict aren't bad for a relationship. In fact, they are often helpful. They help the relationship grow by giving you the opportunity to face problems, difficulties, and differences. When you successfully get past conflict, you often find your relationship is in a newer, better place.

So fighting is often healthy and good for a relationship. Great. But let's face it, it's still not fun. No one likes to be angry, and no one likes to be in the middle of a huge fight. Often, our emotions get in the way and we find ourselves saying things we regret later. It's hard to remember to fight fair when you are so furious you can't see straight.

So what should you do when fights go too far?

First, as soon as you notice that you or your partner is totally gone into Fury Land, and is too angry/hurt/furious/sad/sobbing/panicked to talk, you should stop the fight. This doesn't mean sweep it under the rug and ignore the problem, but just take a small break to comfort each other or to have some alone time: whatever works.

Lots of people do better with a break or some alone time. Tell your partner you need some space, where you're going, that you still love them, and when you'll be back to re-start the discussion. Then do whatever you need to calm down. Talk to God, pray, go to the gym and work off some energy, call a trusted friend, whatever.

Of course, taking a break won't do a bit of good if you spend the time fuming and re-hashing all the terrible things your partner said while you're apart. The point is not to fume and get yourself more worked up, but to calm down. Try to breathe deeply and remember the good things your partner does. Remind yourself how much you love each other and how committed you are to making it work. If you can't do that yet, that's finel; just do something to get your mind off the fight entirely.

Also, don't hurry back from a break. Many studies show that people say they feel calmer after a 10-minute break, but what do the studies show? You guessed it: their blood pressure is still pumping way off the charts! If you go back into the area right now, you are just going to get mad again. Wait at least half an hour, more if you need it, before heading back in.

Some people don't like to take breaks. Some would rather buckle down and get it worked out now. I tend to be like that. I've also noticed that, during fights, I sometimes get so worried and needy that a break is just going to make me freak out more and fear I've been abandoned forever.

What do you do in situations like that?

Well, if your partner gets needy and clingy during breaks, you should reassure them. Those of us from broken or abusive homes often equate anger with impending abandonment. We need you to reassure us that you are angry, but not leaving forever! Sometimes, agreeing to sit quietly together, but not talk or argue, is enough. I feel better knowing my partner is in the room with me, not leaving me forever, as we both breathe and try to calm down.

It also really helps me if he can put aside his anger to comfort me. He is still angry, but he can calm down enough to talk softly to me, hold me, and stroke my hair. This is good for both of us: suddenly, I am curled up in his arms, crying, and he is the protector, strong and loving. We suddenly lose our "angry, pissed-off bad guy" personnaes and remember we love each other. Tearful apologies and laughter at how stupid we were being often follow. Then we can hold each other and work the conflict out for real, feeling happy and in love again. Like I said, conflict doesn't have to be bad!

If you have a partner who suffers from mental disorders like anxiety, depression, panic disorder, or something similar, you have to be really careful when fights go too far. Some people will just shut down completely because they can't handle the conflict. Understanding where your partner is coming from (an abusive mother, depressive disorder, deep hurts from a past lover) can really help you be loving and supportive for them now, even though you are still angry. Remember, your job is to be loving first, angry second. Just because you're mad doesn't mean you have to act like a jerk; it is perfectly acceptable to hold your partner while explaining to them why you feel so frustrated with them.

A perfect example from my experience is panic attacks. During a fight, I get so stressed out that my heart and head start to pound, I feel weak, I start to hyperventilate, and I can't breathe. Needless to say, if your partner exhibits these symptoms this is no time to keep yelling or berating them. The thing that helps me most is when my partner can put aside his anger and make sure I am physically safe--continuing to fight just makes it worse!!! If he can calm down, approach me quietly, and speak to me soothingly, I will eventually calm down. A good tip for someone panicking is to have them drink water, lie flat and breathe deeply with them, or bring them a soda or snack to elevate blood sugar (because a panicking body burns through energy fast!).

Other people may close off completely; this is called shutting down. Sometimes they will physically leave the room, and others they will just emotionally check out, going to a "safe place" in their head. If your partner does this, further attacks will just make it worse. Calm down, approach them slowly and calmly, and gently ask what is wrong. Try to calm them down. The only reason people go into their shells during fights is because they don't feel safe. Whether they are insecure or you weren't fighting fair, you need to tone it down a notch and make them feel safe with you. When we fight, we never want to become the stuff of nightmares: bellowing, gesturing, intimidating, screaming and throwing things, or attacking our loved ones. This is not how loving people fight! Make sure your partner knows he is loved, and then you can calmly and fairly work through the conflict.

A third option is that some people will lose control. Depending on their personality, this may manifest by screaming and yelling, or by uncontrollable crying. Either way, a screaming or crying person is never a happy person. You need to pause the fight until you can get them calmed down. Showing strong emotions like that is just your partner's way of signaling to you that they are very, very, very unhappy! Don't take it personally, but understand they are frantically trying to convey to you how miserable they are.

If they are screaming, calmly ask them to calm down, and wait while they get control. Or, just wait it out til they wear themselves out. Then tell them you love them, and ask if they are ready to calmly discuss this.

On the other hand, if they are crying or sobbing, it means they are completely emotionally overwhelmed. Some people cry when they are sad, or angry, or stressed, but tears never signify a happy person. You need to stop whatever it is that is making them cry (yelling, fighting, attacking them, etc.) and comfort them. Once you are both calm, you can try to resolve the conflict again, with better results the 2nd time.

In my opinion, continuing to berate, belittle, or attack someone who is already in tears is cruel. You should never be more interested in being right than you are in your partner's safety and wellbeing. If you are so angry that you don't care you are breaking their heart, or are even enjoying it, then you need to read my tips on fighting fair and do some serious thinking about what is making you so angry.

No matter what, your goal during conflict is to solve the problem, not to be right, not to win, and not to make the other person unhappy. Try to remember this, pray your way through fights, and work toward being a healthier fighter. Good luck!