Female Language...Revealed!

It's well-known by both men and women that females have their own "language" they use with each other. In an amazing display of nonverbal accuracy, two women can often communicate with a combination of eye contact, expression, body language, slight nods, breathing rates, and minimal vocalizations. With men, young women will sometimes try to use this language, but those of us over 18 have long since realized men don't naturally speak it. However, we will still try to communicate with them through a confusing serious of words and phrases that actually mean something other than what we're saying. While this is a much more obvious, dumbed-down form of our all-females nonverbal language, men still have trouble with it until they learn to read the particular meanings their particular female hides behind key words and phrases.

I'll admit, it's not fair.

So you want some help? Due to a recent altercation with my boyfriend, which left me annoyed and wondering how best to punish him, my mind wandered instead to the "things I mean" as opposed to the "things I say." I'm warning you, this is not entirely accurate, as each woman's language is her own, and your mate may not mean the things I do, even when she uses the same words. But as far as explaining to men how I--and other women like me--think, this is as close as I can come.

Be warned. The following is top-secret information, and I'm something of a traitor for divulging this. (That's why I keep my blog activities safely anonymous.)


What women say... and what women really mean.

• I don't know. = I am mad at you, ask me again.
• I honestly don't know. = I don't know
• I'm fine. = Ask again, and again, and again.
• Never mind. = I don't think you care. Ask again.
• Whatever. = I don't agree with you, and want to call you a nasty name but am too polite
• Fine. = NOT fine. Fix it! FIX IT!
• Fine. Do whatever you want. = Just Try Me.
• Just leave me alone, okay?! = I need a few minutes to think about it, but then I still won't tell you. Ask me again in 2 minutes.
• Ask me again in a minute. = I'm testing you to see if you really care. You better ask me again in a minute, or I'll be ticked!
• I'm not mad. = I'm mincing words. I may not be "mad," but I'm sad, upset, angry, jealous, furious, frustrated, or irritated. Ask me more questions.


• You forgot this last time. = I am making a mental note to see if you remember this time.


• Fine, let's just drop it. = I honestly want to work this out with you, but I'm afraid there's no solution. Please make me feel better.


• Let's get off the phone. = I'm testing you to see if you love me. Don't let me get off the phone!!!
  
• Don't touch me! = I'm serious, please give me space right now.


• Fine. I'm leaving. = I'm testing you again. Block the door!


• Fine, just leave. = I'm afraid you're leaving me. Please reassure me.


• Do you even hear what I'm saying? = I'm afraid you're so angry you don't care about my feelings anymore.


• Why are you mad? = I am trying to tell you something important, and you are stopping me by being angry and defensive yourself. Please focus on me and my needs right now.


• I understand. = I intellectually grasp what you are saying, but I really think it's stupid and pointless and you're a moron for thinking that.


• Fine, call me when you have time for me. = I'm hurt because you don't have time for me. This is your cue to apologize, ask how I'm feeling, validate me, and reassure me nothing comes before me.
• Yeah, right. = I am too nice to say what I'm thinking right now.
• You are unbelievable. = You are f*****ing unbelievable!
• Try me. = Do this, and there will be hell to pay.
• *sighing* = I'm not happy. Ask me what's wrong
• *hugging self tightly* = I'm unhappy and I need a hug.
• *curling into ball* = I'm so unhappy I can barely stand up.
• *clenching fist or teeth* = I'm really upset and nervous.
• *biting fingers* = I'm trying to hurt myself; you should stop me.
• *hand to stomach* = I'm so upset I feel like throwing up. You need to stop fighting and take care of me physically.
• *hand to head* = I'm stressed, and my head hurts. It is hard to think. Please calm down.
• *hand to chest* = I'm so upset I'm starting to panic. Please take care of me and get me calmed down before we talk any more.
• *avoiding eye contact* = You've hurt me and I've put walls up. I'm in full defensive mode now, and I've probably shut off emotionally. You need to speak softly to me and hold me to get me back.
• *scrunching up face* = I feel like crying.
• *says two contradictory things* = I'm confused; I'm not sure how I feel!
• *yelling* = I don't want to yell, but you aren't understanding me! I need to feel like you're on my side.
• *crying* = Our relationship is so important to me, and I feel despairing that we can fix this. My heart is aching to think there is no solution and this may be over.

If you understand what we're really trying to say, sometimes maybe when we don't even realize it ourselves, you can respond with love and understanding, and we can work out our differences.