If your partner was one of the many men or women today who suffered abuse as a child or adolescent, I can tell you now that your relationship is going to be harder and more difficult. I can also assure you that it can be worth it.
Contrary to popular belief, children who were abused do not outgrow their victim mentalities. They sometimes turn in to abusers themselves, or more often seek out friends and spouses who are abusers, hence remaining in a perpetual "victim" state. Without outside help, they often fall into a trap of drugs, alcoholism, prostitution, promiscuity, and addiction. Those of us who manage to choose a healthier lifestyle will still be drawn toward these unhealthy behaviors, and our lives are a daily battle against our pasts. To understand what we are going through on a daily basis, you need to better understand abuse and how it follows its victims into their adult lives.
First, there are many types of abuse; you've probably heard of most of them. Sexual, physical, and emotional are the most common. There can also be financial and social abuse. Many times, abused children are not just the victims of one, but of a combination of several; abusive parents don't just stick to one form of abuse. And contrary to popular belief, how often the abuse happened or how bad it was do not matter: someone who was touched inappropriately a few times by a cousin can be just as psychologically damaged in adulthood as someone who was raped nightly by her father for 10 years.
People who were abused show several symptoms of this in adulthood. Often, we blocked out the abuse as children, and so it is as adults that we begin the slow, painful process of healing. If your partner was abused, the good news is, you can help with the healing!
Symptoms that someone may have suffered abuse in the past include:
- depression,
- anxiety and panic,
- difficulty establishing or maintaining intimate relationships,
- sexual difficulties,
- addictions or compulsions,
- eating disorders,
- self harm or other emotional issues,
- feelings of emptiness,
- a lack of reality,
- extreme mood fluctuations,
- difficulty managing anger,
- promiscuity,
- inability to say no,
- low self-esteem or self-worth,
- PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder),
- nightmares,
- chronic, unexplained pains (back, muscle, head, etc. often ache for no reason),
- intense fear of rejection,
- too passive or too aggressive,
- cannot tolerate conflict,
- explosive temper,
- afraid to feel anger,
- jumpy at slight touches or unexpected noises,
- intense fear of making others angry or disappointed,
- intense fear of abandonment,
- dysthymia (chronic, low-level depression),
- anxious or worried with no specific cause,
- supicious and untrusting of other people; paranoid,
- intense feelings of guilt or self-blame,
- believe they deserve to be abused or unhappy,
- difficult time relating sex to intimacy,
- sexual dysfunction,
- extremes in sexual behavior: promiscusous/ intense sexual desire, or complete lack of interest in sex/inability to be aroused or difficulty achieving orgasm,
- panic attacks,
- insomnia/sleep problems,
- drug, alcohol, or other addiction problems,
- weight gain,
- thoughts of suicide,
- fear losing control in relationships,
- pain during sex,
- confusion, detachment, or other problems that occur during sex,
- eating disorder,
- irritability,
- inability to commit to a relationship,
- relationship and marital problems.
If these signs sound like your loved one, they may have been abused. Be aware that different personalities will handle abuse differently. My brother and I experienced the exact same abuse, but we handle it differently as adults: I tend to be clingy, terrified of rejection, and very passive and afraid of conflicts. It's hard for me to feel loving and emotional during sexual activity. I suffer from panic attacks and chronic anxiety. My brother, on the other hand, has developed a terrible temper. He is defensive, angry, and aggressive. If you make him mad, watch out! Interestingly, we both suffer from depression and chronic stress-related pains, but we handle them differently. The point is, there is no right way to react to abuse.
From the list above, you may feel overwhelmed and wonder, "What could make a relationship with all those bad things worth it?" But to understand why abused people do this, you should understand what happened to them to make them react this way. Some common traits of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse during childhood are:
- Using Emotional Abuse - calling victim names, degrading, humiliating victim, putting victim down, ridiculing, treating him like a servant, bossing her around, finding fault in everything, being hypercritical, making victim feel they're crazy, silent treatment, laughing at victim, ignoring victim, withholding affection as punishment, manipulation, being controling, making victim doubt his own abilities and sanity, holding grudges, using guilt
- Using Physical Abuse: hitting, pushing, tackling, restraining, pulling hair, biting, slapping, twisting arm, throwing victim, hitting with objects, throwing things at victim, choking, scratching, dragging, standing too close (not allowing personal space), using physical intimidation, smashing things, making threatening guestures, cutting, knifing, shooting, threatening to kill or injure victim
- Using Sexual Abuse: unwanted sexual discussion or innuendos, being viewed naked, forcing victim to view abuser naked, showering or bathing together, touching inappropriately, raping, fondling, harrassing for sexual contact, sleeping naked in bed with victim, any contact with breasts, buttocks, or genitals.
Not only do many abusers exhibit these symptoms, but they blame the victim, deny it happened, or shift guilt on the victim's actions ("I wouldn't hit you if you weren't so mouthy."). Given these terrible things, it's no wonder these children grow up to have psychological and emotional problems, unhealthy sex drives, and confused ideas of love and relationships!
The fact is, the traits that seem unhealthy to you now, were one healthy habits your partner picked up to deal with being abused. That's right, they were being healthy! When in an incredibly traumatizing situation with a parent or other adult, a child will naturally shift to make the best of the situation: a sexually abused child will try to feel loved and aroused during abuse, an emotionally abused person will shut down emotionally or learn to throw temper tantrums to protect herself, and a physically abused person may learn to have an incredibly high tolerance to pain without ever crying or showing distress.
A counselor once told me that it is natural for abused children to block out memories they will only later remember as adults, as a way to deal with the abuse. They will also sometimes find sexual pleasure and love from being abused, because that is the only way their poor, victimized bodies can cope with such an awful situation. People who were abused will often completely shut down during conflict (my mother calls this my "Ice Queen" phase)-- adults who do this are reacting instincitvely to danger, because they learned at a young age that being vulnerable, crying, and begging would not help. Given this, it is no wonder these people grow into adults who have difficulty being vulnerable and open!
Some may fantasize about re-creating the abuse, and they may crave it in their lifestyles. Some may only be turned on by someone who pretends to be abusive or mean. Others may not be able to get aroused at all, or will lose arousal suddenly during making love. As I said, there is no wrong way to deal with abuse.
If you notice your partner phasing into one of the symptoms listed above, it may just be a natural reaction; most abused people will show these symptoms from time to time. Or, it may be something you're doing that causes it: pressuring him to have sex, bullying him, or yelling and getting angry. If you trigger memories of the abuse, the victim will naturally react. The best thing to do in this case is to stop what you're doing and comfort your partner. Those of you in relationships with an abuse victim should be very, very cautious of her feelings and reactions during a fight or while making love, or any other scene liable to provoke unpleasant memories. Of course, if the abuser was a parent, you should also expect strange mood swings and regression to victimized behaviors when your spouse visits or talks to that parent!
So your partner was abused, and picked up a host of habits that, at the time, were necessary and healthy to deal with the situation. But now, a grown man or woman and ready to move on from the past, he is finding it hard to let go of those habitual actions or feelings of guilt and anxiety. This is natural, and often it just takes time, counseling, and lots and lots of love and support from you to heal.
The sad truth is, those of us who were abused will never be "fully healed." We will always fight the desire to be an abuser or a victim, to suffer from anxiety and mental disorders, and to compensate by falling into addiction and dependence. The more we heal, the less we will be drawn to these behaviors, but they will always haunt us. That is why abused children, once grown into adults, are always "living in the shadow of the past." That is why they are often the strongest people you will meet. That is why many of them grow into counselors or volunteers who find healing in turning back to help those victims who come behind to climb up into the light of healthy, fulfilling lives--even when it means delving into deep, painful wounds themselves.
It may be hard, but it is possible to live a normal, healthy life. It may be difficult, but it is possible to choose to stay in the sunshine...even for those of us living in the shadow of the past.
For more information on this subject, see my resources:
"Abuse Symptoms and Counseling."
"Consequences of Sexual Abuse."
"Deleterious Effects of Child Abuse, The."
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