Taking Breaks from Fighting

Sometimes the best thing you can do during conflict is to take a break til both of you are calmed down. Whether you want to do something alone or together to calm down so you can resume resolving the conflict in a calmer, more productive way, here are some tips on taking breaks:

Taking a Break Alone

Not surprisingly, most people like to take breaks alone. This gives you the chance to get away from your partner and the source of your unhappiness, clear your head, and get calmed down. Make sure that you don't just storm out, but calmly tell your partner you love them but need some space, what you will be doing, and agree on a time to meet again and try to resolve the conflict again. Remember, breaks are always consenual, and there is always a set time to return and try again.

Here are some suggestions for things you and your partner can doing during breaks:

• pray
• listen to music
• go for a walk
• call a friend
• cry
• take a hot shower or bubble bath
• read your Bible
• read a book
• get a massage
• go shopping
• go to the gym and burn off steam
• clean
• have a drink with friends
• sit at a park and watch children play
• journal about your feelings
• relaxation techniques, such as Yoga or deep breathing exercises
• visualizing the things you love about your partner and how to arrive at a positive resolution

Taking a Break Together
This isn't as common, but some people don't like to be alone during fights because it just makes the tension, insecurity, and worry get worse. Some people feel very needy and clingy during conflict, because they are afraid if their partner is angry she won't love them anymore, or he is going to leave forever. And these feelings are okay, too! If this is what you or your partner feels, taking a break together is an option. This often means you don't talk, but just agree to sit silently or engage in another activity together. You agree to put the fight aside for a while, so you can both calm down. One advantage of taking a break together is that, if you can manage to start another activity together and both have fun without fuming and being nasty, it can help you remember how much fun you have together and that you love each other!

Of course, it is often difficult to go straight from a screaming/blaming match to peaceful activities together, so sometimes it is best to try taking a break alone for a while, then taking a break together later. If you still can't handle it without feeling angry and bitter, go back to taking a break alone til you've calmed down.

Here are some suggestions for taking a break together:

• sit in silence, not touching, just alone with your thoughts while you each calm down. Don't talk to you're both ready.
• write a letter to each other about how you feel, then switch and read them.
• clean the house together--you get lots done when you're angry!
• watch a movie or put on some music you both enjoy
• try to remember the best, funniest, or most romantic memory you have together
• agree to talk only about the good in your relationship, and what you both enjoy about the other
• read the Bible or pray together
• make love
• go for a walk in the park
• give each other a massage to help calm down and relax
• play cards, or find a board game, computer game, or video game that makes you laugh together
• remember the worst fight you ever had and talk about how you got over it and how great it felt afterward
• go to the pound and play with the baby kitties and puppies. This makes everyone feel better! :)

Of course, remember to respect your partner, and don't try and force them into anything they don't feel comfortable with; this will just make them more angry!!! I know that when I am feeling furious and hurt, I cannot handle doing something so intimate as praying together, making love, or reading the Bible together, and trying to force your partner into it just makes you look like a controlling jerk. Agree on activities together and try to focus on laughing and having fun again!