Validating is often--not always!--more difficult for men. This is because they are often raised to be competitive and individualistic. This can be a rude awakening for men when they find themselves in a relationship, where they are expected to abandon their selfish desires and work as a team. Suddenly they are responsible for the happiness and emotional wellbeing of a very strange, emotionally variable, and deeply feeling creature. Many men panic, and with good reason. How do they validate her when they've never learned how?
One of the best metaphors I've heard to explain this (I got it from a book, but I honestly can't remember which!) is a shopping metaphor. Look at it this way:
You are going shopping with your wife. She comes out in a neon pink outfit made for someone 20 years younger and 10 pounds lighter. What do you say?
You have two choices. You can say carefully, "Well, honey, it's not my favorite, but it's fine. What do you think?" She will probably realize it doesn't look great and take it off.
Or you can respond, "Holy crap. That looks terrible on you. That outfit goes on someone 20 years younger and 10 pounds lighter! And I hate pink!"
Now you probably know better than this. Because even if she already didn't like the outfit, now you have hurt her feelings. You have attacked the outfit and her. Now she is going to get angry, hurt, and upset, and probably start flinging things back at you like, "Since when don't you like pink? And what is wrong with me wearing something you don't like?! What if I wanted to look younger? HUH?"
This is the metaphor of validation. Because women are not like men. Before men try clothes on, they already know they like it. Otherwise they wouldn't bother trying it on. Likewise, when they something, they already know they mean it, or they wouldn't waste their breath.
Women are not like this. Much more indecisive and unstable creatures by natures, women try clothes on to find out if they like the outfit. They aren't sure about it, so they try on 20 or 30 different things, just to see. Then they make a decision. They are the same way in conversations. They probably aren't really sure how they feel, especially if they are upset. They are probably experiencing a very confusing tornado of various emotions. Since they can't explain them all at once, they just randomly grab one and say it out loud. It doesn't mean they've picked the emotion that best fits their opinion. They are just trying it on for size.
Women talk to discover their feelings; men talk to share discoveries they've already made. In this area, the two sexes are very much like their shopping styles.
So if your wife says, "You are such a jerk! You don't even care about my feelings!", your best bet is not to respond immediately with a defense like, "Yes I do! Why would you say that?!" Just like with the ugly pink outfit, you should hang back and wait to see what she really thinks. Remember, most women don't mean the first thing that comes out of their mouth. They are thinking out loud, processing their feelings verbally. If you jump in immediately with some witty repartee or defensive remark, you throw a wrench into her whole "thinking out loud" process. Now she has to stop and spend time arguing with you that she has a right to wear obnoxious pink outfits if she wants to. In this situation, no one wins.
It may help you feel less defensive if you remind yourself that the first thing she says isn't necessarily the thing she means. Just like a good shopping buddy, you should calmly wait til she's tried on all the clothes, and then help her decide which ones suit her best. By being her sounding board, you allow her to get all her feelings expressed and realize which ones are serious concerns and which ones are not.
A better solution would be to respond calmly and lovingly. When she snaps, "You're such a jerk! You don't even care about my feelings!", just take a calm breath and remind yourself she's just trying on clothes for size. Ask her, "What makes you feel that way?" This allows her to give you a more detailed answer with the specific reason she's upset, hopefully without calling you names or insulting you this time around (women need practice validating, too!).
When a woman is experiencing many emotions, it may take her a while to get through trying them all on. She will probably throw the ugliest outfits at you first, since those are the first ones she sees. Eventually, she will work through the whole pile. If you can wait through the whole pile without feeling attacked or defensive, you will have done both of you a huge favor! But I understand this can be daunting to do when your first reaction is to defend yourself (or your clothes, for that matter).
So let her "try on" many different emotions, some of which may be pleasant for you, but most of which will not. Stay calm and nondefensive, and eventually she will simmer down and you two can get to the bottom of what she really means.
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