Gender Differences in Communication

I hesitate to discuss gender differences in communication, because anything I say will be a generalization. In essence, men may tend to do certain things more than women, but that doesn't mean all men do them more than all women. We are individuals, and generalizations should not be assumed to include everyone.

However, gender differences do exist, and as such bear mentioning.

How do the genders differ in their approach to communication, teamwork, and relationships?

In general, women tend to be more comfortable expressing emotions, talking about their feelings and emotions, and sharing details from their private lives. Men tend to converse more about their opinions, and talk less about their relationships and lives and more about their jobs, hobbies, and ongoing news in the world.

When it comes to leading, women and men have different styles of leadership. Men will often focus more on the task: they want to get the job done! They oversee their crew to make sure everyone's job is getting done. Women often focus more on the welbeing of everyone in the group: is everyone happy and satisfied? They are interested in the outside lives and emotions of their crew. For example, if your mother has died recently, a male boss is unlikely to know this unless he sees it interfering with your work. A female boss, however, will probably check in on you from time to time to offer support, even if the loss is not affecting your work. These actually both make good leadership styles, and so an individual who can combine both styles will have an extremely effective management style.

Women and men also emphasize different qualities in their relationships. Women often emphasize their similarities with you and downplay your differences. They want your relationship to have a nice feeling of "we're the same, we understand each other, and we're in this together." Men will often emphasize your differences. They want the relationship to be one of growth, competition, and differing views and interests that make the relationship more exciting. Of course, both are important aspects of being a couple.

Gender differences can be especially beneficial when fighting. Men are likely to be very analytical, concentrating on what the problem is and how to fix it. The woman is likely to be more concerned with the emotions of both parties, how you both feel and how to make everyone happy and reconciled again. By working together, you can both fix the problem and soothe ruffled feathers.

Anyone who's been in a relationship can tell you men are more direct and blunt than women. When they have a problem or want something, they usually state it directly. Women often play a "beat around the bush" game; while what they want is very obvious to any women listening, the man in question may have no idea what she is getting at. In these cases, it is best just to ask directly: "Honey, what are you trying to say?"

Women are usually more sensitive to the emotional status of the relationship and more adept at managing the stormy waters of strong emotions. As such, they are often more willing to start a fight, since, after all, they are pros at steering their ships through these waters! Women have great faith that they can get through, and they know a better, more intimate relationship lies on the other side. Men, however, have generally practiced steering their imaginary "ships" around the shallows, outside of the big, scary waves of strong emotion and huge fights. They have a tougher time knowing how to navigate these waters, and often prefer to stay safely in the shallows, where there's lots of fun things to do like fishing, swimming, and searching for half-naked mermaids.

Because women are more sensitive to the emotional status of the couple, they are usually the first to know when there is a problem. Their highly developed emotional barometer tells them, "Oops. Storm ahead!" They start getting mopey and grouchy, complaining about problems in the relationship. The man is often quite bewildered, because his own barometer is reading "clear skies ahead!" and he has no idea what imaginary problem she is fussing over now. The most common mistake a man can make is to assume if he doesn't see the problem, there isn't one, and it is "all in her head." But often, women are simply more intuned to the emotions of themselves and their loved ones, and their intuition takes over. The best thing to do is help her prepare for the storm, and just grit your teeth and ride it out; by assuming it's in her head, you are invalidating her, making her think you don't care, and making the problem worse. And as any weatherman can tell you, storms aren't handled by just pretending it's not coming--you just get wet that way.

Men, on the other hand, are more adept at not taking life so personally. While a woman may get bogged down in all sorts of real and imagined rejections, a man will generally not take it personally and march cheerfully on. This can be a helpful tip for women to take, and a good example for them to follow! As a man, the best thing you can do is pause, give her lots of validation and love over her wound, and then encourage her nicely to not let it get her down.

Women also tend to be natural validators. When they hear about someone's bad day, they give lots of sympathy, attention, and validation. Men will often try to help the teller fix the problem. If the teller is a man, this works quite well; if the teller is a woman, however, she is likely to just feel that he doesn't care and is just trying to "fix" her. So men, when your wife talks, she doesn't want a solution, she wants you to listen and understand!

Women react differently to stories about a bad day. They will often share a story of their own similar circumstance to let the person know they are understood and not alone. To men, this can just be annoying if they think their wife is trying to "one-up" them with a better story. But usually, your wife isn't trying to one-up you, she's trying to make you feel better by sharing.

This is another rule of The World of Women. Sharing is rewarded by sharing. Emotional vulnerability is rewarded by emotional vulnerability. So when you share something special and intimate with your wife, she is likely to be so filled with love and happiness at this new emotional level your relationship has achieved that she wants to reciprocate by sharing her own deep, emotional moment. To women, this continual two-way sharing of emotions is what makes her feel close to you and in love with you. And that is never a bad thing!

Do you want to make a distant, unhappy woman feel close to you again? Or help a closed-off wife feel vulnerable and open to you? Ask her to share a story. Make it the deepest, darkest story you can think of. The more hurt, frightened, and betrayed she felt, the closer it will make her feel to share it with you and be met with love and understanding. It doesn't matter if you've heard the story before; we women love to "share," even if it's the same story again! Ask her interested questions, encourage her to share new emotions, and give her lots of validation. This is the best way to break through an emotional barrier that I know of.

Men and women aren't really from different planets, but sometimes we communicate like it. However, with practice and intimacy, we can each learn our spouse's unique "mode of communication." We can learn to know which buttons not to push (Danger! Danger!) and which buttons elicit a happy, loving response. We figure out which tones and faces mean what. We decide how best to respond. And eventually, we are communicating better and better with each other....which is, of course, the ultimate goal.

Resources:
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
"Gender Issues: Communication Differences in Interpersonal Relationships"
"The Ladies' Room: Gender Talk."