This five-step letter is a great way to make sure your letter is helpful and uses constructive criticism, things that will help you relationship improve and not hurt it.
- Part 1: Begin with telling your spouse how much you love him and why. List several good things about him that you truly appreciate. Make them real compliments; he will be able to tell if they are fake.
- Part 2: Once you have affirmed your love, move on to your concern. State, in as clear, concise, and non-judgmental way as possible, the specific action you are upset by. Do not give a list of actions, but stick to one specific event. Give specific examples, such as "I am upset because your mother was rude to me at dinner last night," not general ones like, "Your mother is just so rude!"
- Part 3: State your feelings about the subject. Use "I statements" and take responsibility for your own emotions. Your feelings are your own, no one else's fault or responsibility to fix; the point here is only to communicate your emotions. A good example is, "I feel hurt because you did not defend me. I'd hoped you would take my side, and I feel rejected and betrayed that you stayed silent."
- Part 4: Clearly state your needs (a way that your spouse could fix this). This is not you telling him what to do, but offering him a suggestion for how to fix it if he decides he wants to. It is up to him to decide. Try something like, "I would really like it if you could call your mother and discuss her behavior. I would feel so happy and loved if you stood up for me so she knows I am first in your life and you will not tolerate rudeness to me." If there is nothing that needs to be done to fix the situation, but your letter is only to air out feelings, tell him so.
- Part 5: End by reiterating all the good things about your relationship and all the reasons you love him. If he has shown improvement in an area, point it out and tell him you appreciate it. End with making him feel valued and loved.
You may notice the letter begins and ends with positivity. This makes an angry, defensive response less likely. Also notice that parts 2-4 provide clear communication about your desires: the specific action that upset you, your feelings about it, and how you would like the situation to be addressed.
This letter format will work for either sex. If both of you are angry at the same time, and a verbal argument is going nowhere, it might be helpful to call a break and both take a time-out to write this five-step letter. Then switch letters and read. If you feel calm enough, you can verbally discuss the letters; if not, you may both choose to write a response. Any further letters should also follow the five-step format.
Of course, if writing is not your style, this five-step communication model will work perfectly well for an oral argument, as well. Think through your thoughts, and then ask your spouse to listen for a while. Begin by reassuring her your love her and naming things you love. Then tell her what upset you, how this made you feel, and what you would like her to do about it. Finish by telling her again how much you love her and all the things you appreciate about her and your relationship.
The positive of this model is it provides couples with a way to air out conflicts in a positive, constructive manner. You focus on the good things in your relationship and on finding a solution, not on laying blame. Both partners leave feeling happier and less defensive. Everyone wins!
To view examples of this model, click here.
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