Validation

A big reason conversations turn into conflict, or conflict escalates into fights, anger, and eventually to unhealthy habits (cussing, screaming, silent treatment, storming out, sarcasm) is lack of validation. Many people don't even know what this means, and especially how to do it.

Culturally, women are more likely to validate. This is not because they are just nicer people, but because of our upbringing. Little boys are socialized to deal with conflict by getting angry and aggressive; young girls are socialized to give sympathy and verbal validations. That said, it is by no means true that men can't validate or that all women do! All women can escalate into screaming or silent treatment if the fight gets bad enough, and some aggressive women (like my mother!) rarely validate at all; they bulldoze over people in a fight. Conversely, there are some men who are natural validators. But whether you are naturally validating or not, you can learn these tricks to make validation part of your lifestyle and fighting style.

Validation doesn't mean you act like a doormat, don't tell your opinion, or pretend to agree with someone when you don't. It simply means you let the person know you hear them, you understand, and you understand why they feel that way, even if you don't agree. Notice that agreeing or telling your point of view are not necessary for validation.

When spouses disagree, it is easier to keep a fight from turning into WWIII if you both validate each other. You are essentially conveying to your partner that you may not agree with them, but that you hear their feelings and thoughts and they are important to you nonetheless.

It is when people feel attacked and misunderstood that they begin to feel hurt or use unhealthy patterns such as raised voices, sarcasm, or shutting down and leaving the room. If they feel loved and understood from the beginning, they never have to escalate to that unhappy level.

There are many ways you can show validation. Depending on your gender and personality, some will be easier for you than others. Work with the ones that come most naturally to you, and eventually work up to practicing the others. In the end, having all these validation tools in your arsenal will help you be a loving partner, even during conflict, as some of these methods work better with different people or in different situations.

Validation has many forms. You can do it with body language, conversation fillers, a "repeat back" validation strategy, or by using simple validating phrases. See more details on these below.

1. Body Language: your body language often subconsciously communicates your emotional state to your partner. An angry, defensive, hurt, or uninterested listener will keep his body and face turned away from his partner. To communicate that you care, you are engaged, and you are listening, make your posture and expression match your partner's. If she is frowning and expressing anger, frown and look angry, too. If she leans forward in a relaxed posture, do the same. If she is propping her head on one arm and pursuing her lips, mirror her. If she sounds scared and worried, match her facial expressions. She probably won't even consciously notice you're doing this, but making your face and posture match hers will subconciously make her feel that you are listening, you care, and you are feeling her feelings.
2. Conversation Fillers: In general, women tend to use conversation fillers naturally; many men must concentrate to do so. Using conversation fillers such as "Yeah" or "Uh-huh" assures your spouse that you hear her, are interested in what she's saying, and want her to continue. Examples of this are nodding and saying: Yeah, yes, mm-hmm, uh-huh, huh, wow!, He said that?, No way!, That's crazy!, hmmmm, mmm, okay, I see, And then what?, So what did you do?, etc. These fillers are not you trying to butt into the conversation, but encouraging her to go on, tell more, and give more details. If you are angry and don't want to talk much, even a simple, "Yes... go on... mm-hmm.... okay....mm-hmmm" will make your listener feel validated and cared for.
3. The "Repeat Back" Strategy: This strategy simply means you repeat, rephrase, or summarize what your partner is saying. This helps you check for accuracy of understanding, as well as showing your partner you hear and understand him. For example, if he is complaining about work, rather than offering advice, you just summarize what you've understood: "So, your boss was in a bad mood, your guys showed up late, and you're frustrated because you didn't get everything done you'd planned." This gives him the chance to affirm you're correct, or to re-explain if you've misunderstood.
4. Validating Phrases: These are words and phrases that make your spouse understand you hear him and care what he says, even if you are angry or don't agree with what he's saying. Often, I am afraid to be too validating if my partner is saying something that makes me completely angry and I totally disagree with; I don't want to encourage him too much by saying, "Yeah, totally, I understand!" These phrases can help you convey that you're listening and comprehending, without having to lie and say you agree or you aren't angry about what you're hearing.

Validation Phrases

• Wow.
• I'm surprised.
• I understand.
• Yes, I hear you.
• Go on.
• What else?
• And then what?
• Yes.
• Sure.
• Absolutely.
• I'd have felt the same way.
• I think your reaction was totally understandable.
• If that's what you thought I said, I understand why that would have made you mad at me.
• It makes me angry those people treated you that way!
• I'm angry/mad/hurt/sad/happy, too.
• That makes sense.
• Ok, I get what you're saying.
• I see.
• I understand how you could see it that way.
• Understandable.
• You have the right to feel that way.
• You have a right to think that way.
• Your feelings aren't wrong, they're just your feelings.
• Mmm, yes, I see how you could have thought that.

No matter what, partners need validation. You are part of a couple, and that means you are that person's #1 source of support, comfort, and validation. He needs to feel loved and understood, even when you don't agree. And if you do happen to agree, tell him! Nothing makes me feel better than when I am angry or hurt something, and my partner chimes in with, "I would have totally felt the same way!" or "That makes me angry, too, just thinking about it!" It makes me feel loved and accepted in the story I'm telling, and more likely to tell more stories in the future.

Lack of validation blocks communication. If your partner feels you are a bad listener, eventually he will stop trying to talk to you. It doesn't matter if you are watching tv and tuning him out, or just telling him he's wrong because you're angry-- if you're not validating him, he's going to either blow up at you or retreat and stop talking. Neither is a positive option.

No matter how you feel, you can put your own emotions and need to be right aside for a moment, to listen and validate your partner. Hopefully, she can then do the same for you. But even if only one person does this, it will make conversations and conflict go much smoother.

Remember, practice, practice, practice! The more you practice validation, the easier it will become... and eventually, the happier you will both be.