Emotionally Abusive Characteristics We All Exhibit

Emotional abuse is probably the most common form of abuse and also the hardest to detect. While physical and sexual abuse are usually fairly easy to define and pinpoint, emotional abuse is more difficult because 1.) the actions are usually very socially acceptable, especially during disagreements, and 2.) it must be a repeated pattern of behavior. Since calling names, disagreeing, controlling, and invalidating are things most of us stoop to in our normal lives, it is a very subjective business to determine when these behaviors escalate from occasional occurences to habitual behaviors; words like "constantly belittles" and "rarely apologizes" are subjective and open to the interpretation of the viewer.

This blog is not going to describe what emotional abuse is. There are several good websites that cover that. They include:

• Kali Munroe's "Resources for Healing"
• Lilac Clane's "Symptoms of Emotional Abuse for Men" (with link for women victims)
• "Emotional Abuse"
• "Surviving Abuse" (with links to warning signs and other forms of abuse)
• HealthTouch's "Verbal and Emotional Abuse"

These are in order of the best sources first (in my opinion, and I'm no psychologist!).

A word of caution.

It is highly dangerous to read about any form of abuse on the internet and decide you are a victim. There are many, many sites out there with misleading or incorrect information. Some sites are done by professionals with experience in the field, but most are written by individuals who have read one or two books on the subject and decided they are experts. Many other are written by well-meaning victims of past abuse: their desire to help others heal is wonderful and their stories worth hearing, but they can sometimes define "abuse" in such broad terms that everyone would feel abused. If your mother or husband is occasionally controlling or passive-aggressive, it doesn't mean they are abusive; it means they are human. Please, read many books on the subject (written by real professionals) and attend counseling if you believe you may have been abused; the internet is not a safe guide.

That said, characteristics emotional abuse is present in many, many relationships today. Everyone exhibits some characteristics of emotional abuse; not everyone is emotionally abusive. Most of us will exhibit these symptoms from time to time; for example, most girls in our society are taught to give the silent treatment when they are angry. Our culture is one of invalidation and competition during disagreements. When we follow these norms, we are exhibiting some characteristics of emotional abuse. It doesn't mean we are bad people or we are emotionally abusive, but it does mean we need to get rid of these characteristics and replace them with healthy fighting habits, validation, love, and acceptance. You'll find many blogs on these topics in my previous archives.

What are some of the emotionally abusive characteristics we all exhibit from time to time? They can include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. giving the silent treatment
2. invalidating your feelings
3. being excessively jealousy or possessiveness
4. expecting you to meet all needs, but never being happy with your efforts
5. belittling or humiliating you
6. not allowing you to have your own opinions, thoughts, and feelings
7. making you feel insane and doubt your own perceptions
8. bullying you
9. shouting you down or shouting over you; interrupting
10. making you believe you are a lesser person or worthless
11. giving constant criticism
12. calling names, threatening, blaming
13. never taking responsibility for self or wrong actions
14. stealing from you or lying to you
15. taking away or hurting objects, pets, and people close to you
16. controlling your job, finances, hobbies, or relationships
17. needing constant attention and control
18. sudden outburts of temper

Of course, the danger here is that this list, in part, describes each and every one of us. Many of us have bad tempers or are critical people. That does not make us abusive. Most of us will resort to blaming, invalidation, interrupting, and shouting over our partner when we are angry or upset. That does not make us abusive. Spouses are often jealous of the other's jobs, friends, or family, but that does not make us abusive. It is obvious that exhibiting some of these traits, some of the time, does not make an emotional abuser.

Another consideration is that many people will show these symptoms, but for a different reason. Your wife may have temper outburts because she is simply stressed out at work or feeling distant from you. Your husband may be extremely suspicious when you do not answer your phone because he was cheated on in the past. Your wife may be clingy, needy, and possessive because she was abused in the past, or has a bad relationship with her parents, or has trust issues, or is having a bad day, or is afraid you will leave her, or....

You see the point?

However, it is still not healthy to exhibit these traits, even if you are not emotionally abusive. Most of us exhibit them when we are angry, stressed, tired, or scared... but we can still learn healthier, more constructive ways to deal with our emotions.

Are you a naturally clingy, possessive person? So am I. We can't help our thoughts and feelings, so don't bother trying to "make" yourself feel less jealous or possessive; it is an effort in futility. What you can do, however, is learn not to act on those feelings. If you feel incredibly jealous when your husband goes to see his buddies, that is okay to feel. It is not okay to act on. Instead of throwing a fit and insisting he not go, simply be honest with him: tell him you feel insecure, and ask him to hold you and reassure you a bit before he goes. If he can react with love and reassurance instead of becoming defensive and angry, you will both be happier. In these situations I just want to be reassured that I am still first in his life and his friends have not replaced me. Then I can let him go have "guy time" and everyone is happy. If he calls me once or twice while he's gone, then reassures me again when he gets home, I feel secure and he still gets his need for independence met.

During fights, do you find yourself becoming cold, demeaning, and bossy? Do you bully your partner, interrupt her, tell her she's ridiculous, and say nasty, hateful things you don't really mean? This doesn't make you a bad person. It is okay to feel this way, but it is not okay to act on it. Force yourself to take a break if you simply can't be nice during a fight. Practice showing love with your words and actions (holding her, telling her you love her) when you're angry, even if you don't feel it yet. Pause before you speak, and if what you're about to say is hurtful, mean, or hateful, just don't say it. Wait til you've calmed down and can have a constructive, healthy conversation. Ask yourself, "Is this going to haunt her forever?" or "Is this going to help us have a better relationship?" Don't say anything that will haunt your partner long after you've said it. The Bible says we should say "only what is helpful for building each other up" (Ephesians 4:29). If your comment is not a positive remark that will build your partner to closer communion with you and with God, don't say it.

Losing these traits isn't easy. Trust me! :) I've struggled lots with the desire to give the silent treatment when I'm angry, which society teaches women to do. When I was younger, I had to slowly teach myself not to say mean, hurtful things I didn't actually mean just so I could "win." I learned this habit from my mother, and it felt natural to me, but I decided it was not a behavior I wanted to emulate. It took months and years of slow, painful training, but eventually I broke myself of the habit.

I still struggle with not interrupting, not using sarcasm, and being critical. My partner has his own struggles, and it is easy to get caught up pointing fingers at each other ("See! You're being emotionally abusive right now! You're not validating me!") but the truth is, these are "you" statements. They are not healthy and pointing fingers may make us feel better for a time, but it gets us no where. In the end, we both leave feeling exhausted, drained, and hurt. No one wins. But when we each work the slow, hard, uphill battle to tame our own personal demons, and we learn from our mistakes, slowly we are becoming people who can argue and fight without wounding the other person to the core.

Always, always try to act like God. He gets angry, hurt, and wrathful, but he does it in a 100% healthy, constructive way. He never points fingers or shouts blame. He gently corrects us, never to make us feel bad or send us farther away, but only to gently beckon us back toward Him, back home to love and comfort and safety. Your fights should not be about division, but about bringing you both back into communion with each other. Follow God, and He will lead you. As you go, pray hard and forgive generously. Good luck on the journey.