How to Woo a Woman: Romance

Is romance a big part of wooing a woman's heart! Of course! Keeping the romance alive is an integral part of wooing--and keeping--a lady. Perhaps for many men, the romance is the icing on the cake, but not as important as the shared values, faith, respect, and teamwork. However, when romance falters, so does a woman's heart.

A woman's heart is built for romance. God has created her to emulate and appreciate beauty, love, and romance. Every day He romances her heart---He calls her passionately, He pursues her ardently, He romances her passionately with flowers, sunsets, gifts, loves, miracles, and the death and resurrection of his Son. Think of to what great lengths God has gone to in order to pursue your wife's heart...this is because He created her and understands she needs constant romance!

What does the Bible say about romance and love?

So Jacob worked seven years to pay for Rachel. But his love
for her was so strong that it seemed to him but a few days. -Genesis
29:20

There are three things that amaze me— no, four things that I don’t
understand: how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock,
how a ship navigates the ocean, how a man loves a woman. -Proverbs
30:18-19

Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to
give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned. -Song of
Solomon 8:7

Of course you show love to your wife, but do you pursue her with romance? You should be doing something romantic for your wife (girlfriend) every day, or at least Try some of these ideas:

• write her a love letter
• cook her dinner and do the dishes
• bring her home her favorite candy bar or ice cream
• leave little post-it notes or notes around the house with sweet notes written on them
• take her to a movie and buy her popcorn and a drink without asking if she wants it
• let her sit down first at restaurants, and pull out her chair for her
• bring her a bouquet of wildflowers to work
• tuck a note into her lunch, purse, or car
• give her a shoulder massage while she works on the computer or does the dishes
• draw her a warm bath with bubbles or scented oils
• take her shopping and buy her a new pair of shoes, cute top, or new dress
• bring her a single rose with a ribbon attached (take the thorns off!)
• go to a bookstore and sip hot chocolate as you browse funky, funny books
• dedicate a website to her with a loving message
• call in to a radio station she listens to and dedicate a song to her
• make her a mixed cd
• write her a list of 100 reasons you love her or things you like about her
• buy her sexy lingerie and tell her how hot she looks in it
• purchase a disposable camera and spend the day going to funky places around town and taking your pictures in funny poses
• have a carpet picnic with champagne, cheese and crackers, and angelfood cake cut into bite-sized pieces
• surprise her with chocolate-dipped strawberries
• buy a journal and copy love poems (easy to find on the internet) in your own hand
• purchase a small photo album and fill the pockets with hand-written recipes from your favorite meals together
• compliment her at least once a day (make it a different compliment every day)
• tell her of your favorite movie and then mention the heroine isn't nearly as beautiful as she is
• have lunch together on workdays
• text and email her sweet messages throughout the day
• pick her up at work one day in a limo and have reservations to a fancy restaurant (put a dress, heels, and makeup in a bag for her to change in the limo)
• order pizza or Chinese one night and have a couple's night in where neither of you leaves the bed for any reason
• go bowling
• find museums, art galleries, theatres, or a nature walk in your area and take her there
• go to a cooking, dance, or language class together (available at many community colleges)
• buy massage oils and baby lotion, keep heated towels nearby, and massage her
• read to her from the Bible or a passage from her favorite book
• crank up the radio and sing together
• get a pumpkin and carve it together, then bake the seeds
• challenge her to a cook-off and see who can make up the craziest new food (no recipes allowed!)
• have a movie marathon
• wash her car
• cook together
• start a collection together: stamps, quarter, postcards, figurines, keyrings, magnets, etc.
• buy a pretty journal and spend one night a week writing down your love story--both of your memories, in any order!
• find a paint can, clean it and decorate it, and fill it with 101 reasons why you love her
• take old t-shirts, jeans, and purses and decorate them with fabric-safe paints and accessories
• clean the house, scrub the bathroom, and do the laundry when she is out
• change the lighting of your house with small votive candles
• go horseback riding
• scrape the ice off her windshield on frosty mornings so she doesn't have to do it
• notice when her car is low on gas and top it off
• tell people (your coworkers, friends, both of your families) good things she's done. Brag on her shamelessly, even when she can hear you.
• bring her small presents even when it's not a special occasion
• write more than your name on holiday and birthday cards
• make a slideshow of pictures of the two of you online or with a computer program such as Windows Movie Maker or Powerpoint.

How to Woo a Woman: Leadership

Here is one of the most well-known submission verses, Ephesians 5:23:

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

Being the "head" (or leader) of a headstrong, independent adult woman is a tough job! But it's what you sign up for when you marry her; you are taking responsibility for her emotional and physical welbeing. You are promising God that you will love, care for, and grow His daughter to the best of your ability for the rest of your life. The passage continues:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Let's break the passage down. You are to lead her, emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. You are to lead her even in the areas where she is perhaps stronger or more advanced than you. You are to love her sacrifically, in fact completely sacrificially; a man loving his wife like Christ loves the Church would give anything for her.

How do you lead an adult, perhaps equal or greater than you in intelligence, experience, abilities, or age? Well, with God's help, of course! (See Phillipians 4:13). But the four areas of leadership and care can still be broken down into some helpful for hints charged with the leadership of a spouse:

Emotionally: Is your wife happy? Does she enjoy a happy relationship with her friends, family, and children? Do you ensure these people maintain healthy boundaries with her and treat her with respect? Does she trust you? Does she feel fulfilled and happy in her marriage with you? Do you spend lots of quality time with her and pay attention to her? Are you everything she hoped for in a husband? Does she find healing in comfort from you, other relationships, and hobbies? Does your spouse have a healthy self-esteem, good social skills, positive body image, and self-confidence? If the answer to any of these questions is no, how can you fix this or suggest a solution for her emotional welbeing?

Mentally: Is your wife in a job that intellectually challenges her? Is she mentally stimulated by her hobbies, friends, and you? Is she free from mental disorders such as depression, bipolarism, and anxiety disorder? If not, are you ensuring she receives regular medical and psychiatric care and the medication she needs? Are there any areas where you could perhaps encourage her to take classes or further her expertise?

Physically: Is she healthy? Does she exercise and eat regularly? Does she need to eat more, go on a diet, or get more fresh air and sunshine? Does she see a doctor annually (both a general practitioner and gynocologist for women over 18, with a mammogram for women over 40)? Does she feel happy with her body? Is your sex life fulfilling for her? If she is on birth control, have you researched it to learn about and monitor for dangerous side effects? Does she have any allergies? Is she free from stress, fatigue, and other things that cause heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure, and physical illness?

Spiritually: This is perhaps your most important area of leadership, since it is the one that will decide if your wife joins you in heaven at the end of her life (although you will answer to God for all four areas!). Ask yourself these questions: how is your wife's relationship with God? Is she under any negative spiritual attacks, and how can you as her head take authority over that? Are there any areas of particular weakness in her Christian lifestyle or walk with God that you can--lovingly--help her overcome? Do you make sure her soul is bathed in the Word by encouraging her in weekly church attendance and daily bible study, and do you set an example for her in these areas? Can you find a bible study or devotional that will draw you wife, or you both as a couple, closer to God? In all things, your job as her spiritual head is to lead both of you closer and closer to Christ.

What else does the Bible say about leadership?

Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20: 25-28

Ah-ha! This is even tricker. Not only are you to love, lead, and care for her (whether or not she deserves it or returns the favor), but you are to do it as a servant, humbly and gently. You as a man must have the confidence to lead her, yet do it with complete humility. You must lead as a servant, like Jesus Himself. If you are not sure whether or not you exhibit both confident leadership and a servantlike humility, ask you wife. You will be sure to get an honest answer and some good pointers on how to be a better leader!

How to Woo a Woman: Courageousness

To be a leader (which you as a man made in the image of God are called to do; see Ephesians 5), you must be courageous. To woo a woman, win her heart, and risk the rejection and hurt you will surely face, you must be brave. To be successful at your job, parenting, and relationships, you must be fearless. Life takes courage, my friend.

Life takes courage. This is true of women--who must be fearless helpmeets, friends, mothers, wives, and daughters--but it is especially true of men, who are made like their Maker to be the doers, the conquerers, the warriors, the leaders, and the risktakers.

In a woman's heart is great strength, but there is also great vulnerability. We long to find someone to take care of us, from our fathers to our husbands. We long to be treasured, cherished, adored, and protected so we can better use our own strength to serve God and raise our children. And so to woo the woman of your dreams, you need to step proudly into the role God has made for you: as the leader and protector of your family, you need to show courage.

God makes this clear for the men He designates to be leaders. When Moses handed over his leadership role to Joshua--a young man who now had to lead the entire rebellious Israelite nation into years of hardship and war--he made this clear:

Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all
Israel, "Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the
land that the LORD swore to their forefathers to give them, and you must
divide it among them as their inheritance. The LORD himself goes before
you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be
afraid; do not be discouraged." -Deuteronomy 31: 7-9

As you lead your own wife and family into the unknown of the future, read these words and picture God saying them encouragingly to you.

Joshua 1:9 says:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not
be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

When you have a battle or struggle ahead of you, remember God's words to Joshua:

The LORD gave this command to Joshua son of Nun: "Be strong and courageous, for
you will bring the Israelites into the land I promised them on oath, and I
myself will be with you."-Deuteronomy 31:23

As the new Christians in Corinthians struggled to get their lives and souls in order after Jesus' death, Paul exhorts them:

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. -1 Corinthians 16:1

Peter, the friend and follower of Jesus, reminds Christians that we must view our struggles and weaknesses differently than the Gentiles, having courage and putting our faith in God:

Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened. -1 Peter 3:14

When you are confronted by a frightening dilemma or overpowering situation, remember that you have been given a position of authority by your Heavenly Father. Remember the words of Ezra and take heart:

Rise up; this matter is in your hands. We will support you, so take
courage and do it." -Ezra 10:4

What about the times that you, the leader, are sure of your course and purpose, but perhaps your wife or friends are afraid to follow you? While women are wonderous creatures who show the loving, tender nature of God, they are often to prone to worry, anxiety, panic, and fear. Their fear may not only freeze themselves but your efforts at leadership as well.

In this case, use your own courage (based on God's strength, not your own) to encourage them:

"... say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you." --Isaiah 35:4

What if people (or events) are frightening you? What if you do not know what to do or say, and your leadership skills have been exhausted? Just take a moment to stop and think: what, exactly, are you afraid of here? Who are you afraid of? What are you afraid they'll do? What's the worst that could really happen? Perhaps you'll lose your job, lose a friend, or cause a conflict. Luckily, none of those are life-changing or death-inducing circumstances! When you consider it that way, it is easy to remember the Lord's words:

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1

If you're still afraid and unsure, take it back to the the Cross:

I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my
fears. -Psalm 34:4

In the end, the way to win a woman is to show courage. Women--and men--are inspired by courage. They want a fearless Prince Charming who will love her and protect her fearlessly.

Can Christian Couples Say "No" to Sex?

One of the biggest myths among married Christian couples today is that the Bible forbids one partner from saying "no" to sex if the other wants it. This comes from a literal reading of 1 Corinthians 7: 1-5, without understanding of the cultural and literary context.

Let's read this important verse:

"Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." -NASB

Paul here is not forbidding one partner to ever say "No." You are a married human being, not a slave or a piece of property. If Paul were forbidding us to say no to the use of our own bodies, we would be no more than a slave. However, he is clear that your body belongs to your spouse. So how do you say no if you have a legitimate reason?

The context of this passage is clear: some of the Corinthians in Paul's time had become a sort of legalistic "super-Christian" who believed the body and sex were evil. They wrote him saying some spouses were refusing to have sex with their partners, ever. No sex until death. Paul wrote back immediately, saying this was ridiculous, and that one spouse does not have the right to force the other one into celibacy. He pointed out that the spouse's bodies belong to one another, and that any abstinence should be mutual, for their own spiritual good.

Clarke's commentary states that married partners are only to abstain from sex for a "season" and under "extraordinary circumstances." The Matthew Henry commentary asserts that Paul means married couples should not try to live permanently sexless lives, but deny each other "while they employ themselves in some extraordinary duties of religion." He says, "...deep seasons of humiliation require abstinence from lawful pleasures." In other words, as far as 1 Corinthians 7 is concerned, husbands and wives may only deny each other for spiritual, religious, or penitential purposes. One may not deny the other permanently.

While the Bible clearly says here that abstaining from sex is permissible for spiritual reasons (prayer, growing closer to God), there are other examples of temporary abstinence. In 1 Samuel 21:5, David revealed that his soldiers had been abstaining from women to purify themselves before a journey. The priest indicated men abstained from sex in order to eat consecrated bread. In Exodus 19:15, Moses instructed the Israelites to abstain from relations for several days as they purified themselves in preparation for the LORD to come down the mountain and reveal Himself to them. Leviticus 18:19 forbid God's people from having sex with their spouse during the woman's monthly period--ever. This was God's natural way of providing physical rest and emotional intimacy for couples with a natural break from sex every month. Ecclesiastes 3:5 says "There is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing." Other translations use the word "kiss." It is commonly interpreted to mean both amicable embraces with friends and sexual relations with a spouse. In Joel 2:16, even the bride and bridegroom are called forth from their bedchambers to participate in a nation-wife fast and prayer, showing penitence and begging mercy from God.

For a Christian, the only reason to abstain from sex, then, is for religious reasons. The Bible explicitly says it is permissible to mutually abstain from sex for the purpose of prayer and spiritual devotion. Christians who want to take advantage of God's time of rest and renewal in their sexual lives may (but are not required to) follow the Old Testament law found in Leviticus 18:19. Additionally, Christians may interpret Ecclesiastes 3:5 to mean God expects normal times of sexual rest and renewal. Paul makes it clear in Corinthians, however, that this rest should be mutual and temporary.

But what if it isn't mutual? What if one spouse wants sex and the other does not? Do you have the right to say no?

Legally, of course, yes. Rape is illegal in the United States, even among married couples. Your spouse could go to jail for forcing you. Biblically, you should remember your body belongs first to God, then to your spouse, and then to you. The three of you together should try to agree upon an acceptable compromise. Also, remember that Ephesians 5 tells Christians to "submit to each other." (This goes for both sexes.) Even if one spouse has the biblical right to force the other, why would you want to? Is sexual gratification more important than your spouse's feelings? Shouldn't you rather submit lovingly to his or her need for abstinence for a time?

Likewise, the spouse who does not want to have sex should remain open to submitting to sexual relationships. In the end, if one or both of you don't want sex, something is wrong. It may be a medical problem, depression, a mental illness, or simple sickness. Fatigue, stress, exhaustion, and depression can lead to a lowered sex drive for both sexes. Also, if you do not feel desire for your partner, something is wrong in the relationship. Simply continuing to have sex when you don't want to may be Biblical, but it is not smart. It will only add to your depression, lonliness, or whatever is causing your disinterest in sex, and build resentment for your partner. God intended sex to be holy, fulfilling, emotional, and happy, and you are cheating Him and your marriage by settling for less.

Perhaps you could lovingly explain to your spouse that you want to honor her needs for sex, but right now you are feeling lonely, depressed, or stressed. If it is a problem outside of the relationship, ask her to be patient. Also, try to work on your own sex drive. Get a massage, exercise, or do yoga. Take a few days off from work together and take a mini-vacation to somewhere new. Relax, sleep, give each other massages, and don't focus on the pressure to have sex. If the problem is within the relationship, tell her that openly. Agree to a compromise: you will try to have sex more, and she will try to meet your needs more. Consider counseling. If you don't want to try that, simply commit to spending more time together. Talk about your feelings and emotions, reminisce about your happiest times as a couple, and spend time together doing activities you both enjoy. As closeness and emotional intimacy returns, you may find your sexual interest reigniting. If you cannot find an emotional intimacy, it doesn't matter how much you force yourself to have sex with her, your marriage is on a downhill slide.

Try to find a compromise: submit to each other, pray hard, and talk openly. God can solve this problem--trust Him and walk on!

Resources and to Know More:

Heartlight's "Search God's Word"

Clarke's commentary

Matthew Henry commentary

Thandians News "Pastor Calls on Married Couples to Have Sex for 7 Days"

"Getting More Sex in Marriage"

Submission

Usually when we talk about submission, we talk about women and their biblical roles of submission. This is an important aspect. But an equally important aspect of submission is the male role of submission. To have someone submit to you, and in turn to submit to others, is a big responsibility. How can a man of God learn to lead his wife and submit his life?

Let's begin with the most well-known submission verses, Ephesians 5:25-31.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

While all wives are told in the previous verses are to submit, Paul gives husbands a long paragraph about how to treat their wives with uptmost love and respect--even more difficult, like the one perfect man to ever walk the earth, Jesus Christ.

Let's break Ephesians 5 down. You are to lead her (so she can submit--there is no submission without leadership). You are to love her sacrifically, in fact completely sacrificially, giving up everything for her: your hobbies, your friends, your family your self-interest, your job, your money, even your life. A man loving his wife like Chris loves the Church would give anything for her.

You are also to be instrumental in making her holy and washing her with the Word of God. Her ultimate salvation, of course, is up to her, but as her spiritual and God-ordained leader you are also accountable for the state of her soul when you stand before God one day. Try to lead her in better spiritual directions, ways that will make her more holy--going to church more regularly, adding extra devotions or worship or prayer to her day, becoming more involved in church, helping her follow biblical guidelines in her life. You should know your wife's spiritual strengths and weaknesses, and encourage and nurture those strengths and lovingly correct the weaknesses. She is your spiritual responsibility! You should cleanse her with the Word of God, which means immersing her in God's word through church or bible study. Consider doing devotionals together, encouraging her to sign up for a women's bible study, or buying her a devotional book or personal bible study program.

According to Paul, while following Jesus' example of leadership and sacrificial love you should present her to yourself, radiant, holy, and blameless. Before marriage, this means protecting her heart, keeping her mental and sexual purity, and maintaining a healthy, God-focused emotional intimacy. After marriage, you must still continue "washing her with the word" to present her to yourself as radiant and holy. This means you keep leading her back to God, again and again, so she always continues on a path of holiness. When married, you still want to protect her heart from hurt--both from you and from others, help her maintain sexual purity with you and only you, and make sure she stays emotionally healthy, with healthy boundaries and a happy, productive life. In all things you should want the best for her.

Last but not least, you must love your wife as you love yourself. This means all the care you give yourself--getting your needs met, staying healthy, being happy, getting the sleep and food you need, spending time on your own interests, hobbies, and friends, working toward your job--you give to her as well. She should be as happy as you are. Is she happy? Does she enjoy her job? Is she financially secure? Does she enjoy your marriage? Is she happy with you? Does she feel loved? Is she relaxed and stress-free? Does she have good Christian relationships with others? Does she have healthy boundaries with others? Are there any people she needs protection from? Any situations you, her spiritual leader, should step in to help her solve? Any areas she needs your guidance? Does she maintain a healthy interest in her own spiritual walk, hobbies, and friends? Are there any areas she is particularly talented in that you can encourage her to develop?

Also please note, in Ephesians Paul does not say you are to provide this leadership for your wife in exchange for her submission. You are to provide it, because Christ provided it for the Church. In fact, Chris provided leadership and love for His Church even when He got nothing in return. When the Church did not deserve it. When the Church betrayed and hurt Him. Yet still He gave up everything He had for her, and this is what God calls husbands to do for their wives. It is a frightening but holy responsibility. God can give you strength to do it.

There are other, less quoted verses about submission and the holy role of leadership Christian men are called to. Colossians 3:19 says:

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

This is simple enough. Your job, no matter what your wife does, is to be loving toward her; this means you must show her love, affection, time, attention, loyalty, and devotion, even when she does not deserve it or even seem to want it. Paul also makes a special note for husbands to "not be harsh" with their wives. This means, like Jesus, to maintain a gentle and humble spirit with your wife. Be tender and loving toward her, not rough or hurtful, even when you are hurt and angry.

Peter, another New Testament writer and one of Jesus' closest friends, also has something to say to husbands about their roles as leaders in a marriage. First Peter 3:7 reads:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

This tells us several things about a husband's duty to his wife. Just as Paul warned you not to be harsh, Peter admonishes you to be "considerate." Considerate means you are in touch with her emotions, feelings, and thoughts; you are thoughtful, attentive, and loving.

You are also to treat them with respect. "Huh?!" you might be thinking, "I thought she was supposed to treat me with respect!" You're right; she is. But regardless of how your wife is acting, you are called to treat her with respect. In your tone, your words, your voice, and your conversation, you should approach your wife with respect. Your job is to act out the role of Jesus in a holy marriage metaphor that prominently symbolizes to the world the depth of Jesus' love for His Church. This means that, like Jesus, you treat her with respect and sacrifice until your death.

What does it mean when Peter says women are "the weaker partner"? This depends on your interpretation! Anyone who has met a fierce mother, wife, or boss knows that women are not all weak. But we are weaker than men in some areas. For example, many women are physically weaker and smaller than men. We also tend to be more emotional, more easily hurt, and more fragile. The world--and the people in it--get to us more than it gets to you. Just living our daily lives can leave us feeling wounded, hurt, confused, abandoned, and betrayed. Protecting and healing our tender hearts is one of the reasons God gave you the role of leading us with your strength and stability. You are to lead us away from negative people and situations, protect us from evil people, and lead us toward God.

In the end, marriage is the only metaphor left on earth by God to symbolize the holy relationship between Him and His Church. In order that all His people could be reminded daily of His sacrifical love for them, He has given them a continual reminder--all the married couples in the world, scores upon scores of them, all re-enacting the dance of sacrificial and cleansing love Jesus showed for His people during His short time on earth. Wherever people turn, whenever they see a married couple, they should be reminded of God's amazing love.

Following in Jesus' footsteps is not easy. He never said it would be. For those men called to be husbands and fathers, He gives an even harder task--the task of modeling your lives after Him, being loving and sacrificial and respectful and holy and strong for the women in your life, who represent God's people. You are the leaders, the warriors, the courageous, the strong, and the sacrificial. Through Him, you have the strength to do anything (Philippians 4:13). Even this.

How to Woo a Woman: Thoughtfulness

One of the most important things to do in a relationship is to woo (or pursue) your woman. Many men pursue a woman ardently--with flowers, time, compliments, and professions of love--before the wedding vows, only to taper off slowly once she has said "I do." This is not because the man doesn't love her anymore, but because he has already reached one goal (marrying her) and now wants to focus on his next important goal (earning money to support her).

While supporting your wife financially is important and indeed biblical (1 Timothy 5:8), anyone who's ever owned a car can tell you that you can't stop taking care of it once you've signed the papers and driven it off the lot. Cars require constant care (washing, vacuuming, fueling, oil checks), regular maintenance, and quick trips to the mechanic at the first sign of anything going wrong. You don't buy a car and then move on to your next goal, expecting to drive the car for the next 50 years without giving it fuel, oil, and maintenance checks. The same is true of women.

While there are many ways to woo a woman, an important one is thoughtfulness; this is what I will discuss today.

According to dictionary.com, to be thoughtful is "showing consideration for others; considerate; characterized by or manifesting careful thought." Note the emphasis on being thoughtful toward others and by not just thinking, but showing careful thought. Obviously, being thoughtful is something you have to work at! It takes time, effort, and care. But it will be worth it. The dictionary also continues:

These adjectives mean having or showing concern for the well-being of others. Although thoughtful and considerate are often used interchangeably, thoughtful implies a tendency to anticipate needs or wishes, whereas considerate stresses sensitivity to another's feelings. Attentive suggests devoted, assiduous attention. Solicitous implies deep concern that often verges on anxiety or expresses itself in exaggerated attentiveness.

If the dictionary is to be believed, to be thoughtful you must be considerate, anticipate your wife's needs and wishes, be sensitive to her feelings, show devotion, pay lots of attention to her, show deep concern, anxiety, and worry for her, and be extremely attentive to her moods, needs, feelings, and words.

Let's discuss these one by one.

Anticipate her needs and wishes

Of course you are human and can't always be expected to anticipate your wife's needs; you aren't a mind reader! But if you live with her and know her well, you can often anticipate her needs and wants. Is she sick? Take care of her, insist she go to bed, bring her kleenex, soup, 7up, crackers, and a thermometer, take her temperature every few hours, and generally take care of her. Do you know she has a stressful day at work or has been around her mother, which always makes her stressed? Anticipate her need for a relaxing, quiet evening and cook her dinner, surprise her with candles and soft music, or buy her a home spa kit and treat her to a warm bubble bath and some alone time. If you know when she gets hungry, when she gets sleepy, what triggers make her angry, sad, tired, hurt, or stressed, you can anticipate these events and be ready to take care of her before she ever has to ask. Trust me, you will gain many points as a thoughtful husband!

Be sensitive to her feelings

This means you are aware of her emotions, moods, and feelings. Study and observe your partner: what tones, expressions, sighs, and facial expressions does she make during certain emotions? By paying attention to her patterns, you can be warned immediately when she starts to feel a certain emotion. One of the best things you can do to make a woman feel loved is to be sensitive to her feelings, not just your own. When you see the warning signs of a certain emotion, ask her how she is feeling. A simple, "Are you feeling hurt? You are making that face you do when you're hurt. Can I help you feel better?" will work wonders. If she is crying, hurt, or screaming, try to put your own feelings aside to take care of her for a moment. Ask her what is wrong and how you can fix it, even if you are in the middle of a fight. The kindest thing one past boyfriend of mine did was, in the middle of a huge fight, where I was reduced to screaming and sobbing, he put his own anger aside. Immediately he stopped yelling, picked me up and held me, and carried me into the bedroom, saying, "Poor baby, you're so upset!" This nurturing and love in the middle of a fight was exactly what I needed; it stopped the fight, made me feel loved, and helped us both focus on the other person and not ourselves.

Show devotion and loyalty

This one is easy. Of course you know she comes first, but does she know she comes first? If not, you need to show her in a way that she will understand, not the way in which you want her to understand. If she complains because you spend too much time at work, watching tv, with your friends, at your mother's house, or doing your hobbies, that is a strong sign she does not feel you are devoted and loyal to her. Consider stopping that activity--or, if it is very important to you, finding a compromise such as cutting back on the activity or doing it together.

Another way to show devotion and loyalty is to make it clear in your actions that she comes first. In groups, at parties, in public, or at family reunions, show your devotion to her. Stay close to her, hold her hand or keep your hand on the small of her back, and don't leave her to go talk to other groups. Ask her what drink she wants and if you can bring her anything; later, as her if she'd like a refill. Sit next to her and make sure you are always touching her in some small way.

If your buddies or family ask you to do a favor, an easy way to show your loyalty to your partner is to simply say, "That sounds great. Let me ask [her name here] and get back to you, okay?" This lets everyone--family, friends, and her--know clearly where your loyalty lies.

If someone insults her or says something negative about her, don't join in or simply say nothing. Defend her! You are the warrior of your home, and defending your family is part of your job description.

Pay attention to her

This is a big part of being thoughtful that many men struggle with. Of course you love your wife and pay attention to her---but you probably find it easier to pay attention to the big things, not the details. However, noticing the details screams "love!" to your woman, and this is what you want her to feel. Pay attention to small details, such as when she gets her hair trimmed, what color shirt she's wearing today, or when she wears different earrings. Notice them and compliment her on them. Small things, such as the color of her nails, a certain snack she mentions she loved, a new outfit, different earrings, or a movie she wanted that you remembered came out today will make her feel loved--because, if you pay attention to her, you must love her!

Also, remember little things she says. If she has a big meeting at work or a stressful exam at school, remember which day it is (write it down if you have to!) and on that day, make a point of showing her you paid attention. Tell her good luck when she leaves, text or email during the day to say good luck again, and ask her how it went first thing when she walks in the door. When she says things, no matter how unimportant, commit them to memory or write them down. Women love to feel noticed and paid attention to. We get angry if you don't remember or don't listen to us, so try to listen for details and memorize them for later.

Show concern, anxiety, and worry

Men and women are often different in this area. While women show their concern by worrying about others, men choose to believe others can handle problems alone. To them, they are complimenting their wife by not worrying about her--they are showing her they think she is a strong, capable, intelligent woman and they believe she has the strength to handle this alone!

For women, however, this sends the wrong message. Not worrying about her means you don't care what happens. The more their mothers and friends worry and fuss over them, the more loved women feel. The same is true for their husbands. When they tell you a story (they are feeling sick, they got in trouble at work today, they almost got into a wreck, they feel depressed, someone almost mugged them) they are hoping for a show of fireworks from the man in their lives! We don't want you to calmly nod and say, "Uh-huh. Well, I'm glad everything turned out okay." Even if everything did turn out okay, we want you to jump to your feet and explode with worry. We want you to shout, "Holy crap! Are you all right? What happened?! Are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to beat the crap out of [him/her] for you? I'm so worried about you!"

This may seem a bit silly and melodramatic, but the more you worry about us, the more loved we feel. We want you to worry and stay up all night when we are out alone at night. We want you to fret over our hurt feelings or bad day at work. We want you to shudder at the thought of us in emotional or physical danger. The more you worry about us and share your worries with us, the more loved we'll feel!

Be attentive

The last tenet of being a thoughtful husband/boyfriend/lover is being attentive. This means paying attention to us and our needs. The literally meaning comes from the word, "to attend," as in a waiter attends his customers at a table. No, you don't have to serve us, but attending us would be great! Is she cold? Get up and get a blanket. Thirsty? Go get her water. Craving ice cream? Go buy her some. Does she want a particular book/movie/outfit but is worried she can't afford it? Buy it for her. Did she sigh wistfully over a hero in a movie? Go out and buy her flowers, or whatever that hero guy did that made her sigh. Does she feel sick? Insist she take the day off from work and take care of her as much as possible.

Being thoughtful means being not just a husband, but a friend and lover. It means you keep pursuing her heart, even after she is committed to you. It means you show her how devoted you are and how important she is to you by your words, actions, and deeds. It means you pay more attention to her than you do to sports or your boss or yourself. It means you are romantic and loving and chivalrous. It means you do sweet things for her, not just on special occasions and when it is expected, but all the time and for no reason at all. Thoughtful means your head is "full of thoughts," and all those thoughts are about her. You know it, the world knows it, and most importantly, she knows it.

Creative Ideas to Make a Woman Feel Loved

If the way into a man's heart is his stomach, then the road into a woman's is infinitely more intricate and arduous. It is a road you have to build yourself, stone by paved stone. The way a woman feels loved is not by the big things you do (e.g., marrying her, having a job, helping with the kids) but by the multitude of small, tiny, miniscule things you do each day. I'm trying to help you out here by putting my creativity to work and giving you a list of things women would like. These are real-life examples: either things men have done for me that I loved and cherished, or things I had to do for myself while wishing the man in my life would have offered to do them instead. Remember, a woman does not feel loved by one big thing every once in a while... she feels secure and loved by a steady stream of service, gifts, and compliments that may seem small at the time but eventually add up to years of feeling loved and cared for. Do these, one or two a day, and in a few weeks or months your wife will start feeling you really, truly love her--which you do.

While this can include the cliche things like surprising her with flowers or taking her out on a date, try to go beyond the cliche and expected with this list. Ideas include:

• instead of a bouqet of flowers, bring her a single rose every day for a week, each with a sweet note attached
• stop by somewhere on the way home and bring home her favorite snack or ice cream
• notice what book she's reading and ask her about it. Ask what happens and why she likes it. Really listen.
• Hug her after work and tell her you missed her.
• Text her a few times a day, just to check in and say you miss her.
• Send each other emails at work.
• Come up with a secret pet name just for the two of you. Call her that in texts and emails, but never when anyone is around.
• Rub her shoulders or play with her hair while she's cooking dinner, brushing her teeth, or doing dishes
• One morning when you both have the day off, announce to her this day is all about her. Tell her you do not want her to get out of bed unless she has to. Make breakfast for the two of you and eat it in bed. Then whip out a new movie or a book by her favorite author you know she's never read and a package of her favorite cookies, ice cream, or soda (you'll have to plan this), tell her to relax and enjoy, and leave her in bed to veg happily. Come in around lunchtime to check on her, see if she needs anything, and bring a snack for the two of you to eat together.
• Buy a devotional book for couples and suggest you two read it together, spending time in the Word each day. Then you have to follow through! You are in charge of making sure the two of you keep up with the devotional every day--otherwise you'll lose more points for lack of follow-through than you gained with the idea.
• When you know a movie is coming out she's been dying to buy, or the latest installment of a series she loves, go to the store the day it comes out and buy it for her. Don't let her buy it herself! This lets her know you pay attention to her and will always bring a special memory with that book or movie.
• In crowded areas, when other men look at her or try to hit on her, put your arm protectively around her shoulders, look the guy in the eye, and ask, "Is he bothering you, honey?"
• Skip the ballgame or time with the guys one day. Tell her you miss her and would rather spend some time with her.
• Take her out to a movie, buy her popcorn and drinks even if she insists you don't, and hold hands in the movie. Afterward, take your photos in the funny photo booth or play games at the arcade.
• When standing together in public, wrap your arm around her, hold her hand, or keep your hand at the small of her back.
• Whenever you two are escorted to a table, stand back let her sit down first; ladies should always be seated with their backs to the wall, facing the room, or where ever has the best view.
• Always help her take her coat off and help her put it back on.
• Offer to carry her purse or the baby.
• At movies, you lead the way down the aisle (you choose the row!), then stand back and allow her to enter the row first.
• At church, let her enter the row before you and leave the row before you. Stand back and let her pass.
• In crowded areas, put your hand on her waist or the small of her back to guide her.
• Fill her car's tank up with gas, even when it doesn't need it, just so she doesn't have to.
• Write her small notes. Leave them in her purse, leave them on her windshield, stick them in her drawer or on the mirror, or place it in her bible. A simple phrase or sentence telling her something you love about her or that you're thinking of her will do.
• Buy her a small, inexpensive trinket: earrings, lipstick, flowers, or something else she enjoys.
• Surprise her by cleaning the house.
• When you know she is dreading doing something, do it for her without mentioning it or asking her beforehand. She'll notice!
• Once a day, ask her, "How are you feeling today?" or "Are you happy today? Is there anything I can do to make you happier?"
• Bring her Kleenex when she cries or has a cold, not toilet paper.
• Pick her up and hold her sometimes for no reason. (Note: a pick-her-up-and-wrap-her-legs-around-your-waist move will just seem sexual and is also uncomfortable for women to hold. To send a romantic, loving vibe instead of a horny, come-on vibe, scoop her up in your arms the way you would a small child.
• Play with her hair.
• In the shower, shampoo and condition her hair for her.
• When you see her brushing her hair, take the brush from her and do it instead.
• When she's in the shower, put the towels in the dryer for a few minutes to get them warm and soft. Then replace them right before she gets out.
• If she is thirsty or cold at night, get up to get her a blanket or glass of water.
• If the phone or doorbell rings when you two are in bed, you be the one the get up and get it.
• Be over-protective of her.
• Worry about her, and let her know it. Ask her to call you when she arrives somewhere safely after a long trip.
• Call or text her to say good luck when she has a big day. The fact that you remembered will say a lot.
• Write her letters telling her you love her and long for her. Don't be afraid to be romantic, since no one else will read it and women love that stuff.
• One day, rent a movie and plan a surprise carpet picnic. Spend the day on a blanket on your floor, watching the tv and snacking on your "picnic."
• When she is sick to her stomach, hold her hair back or bring her a cool washcloth afterward and gently wipe her face.
• Bring her flowers every time you pick her up at the airport or train station.
• Instead of buying a bouquet, place a single rose in various places around the house, each with a sweet note.
• Clean her car out for her. Wash the outside, vacuum the inside, and shake out the foot mats. Leave it with a full tank of gas for her to enjoy.
• Take her to a bookshop and wonder around, noticing what she likes. Later, when she is having a bad day, go back and buy something she liked. Present her with it, saying, "I remembered you liked this. I hope it will make you feel better."
• If she likes to read, get her hooked on a series of books. If you buy her the first book of the series, and she loves it, you have a solid gold assurance she will love the rest of your gifts! Pay attention to when she finishes each book, and present her with the next one the next day. Not only is this a gift she can enjoy many times, but it will give her a special memory and she will remember your gift each time she reads those books. (For ideas on books that come in a series, try Twilight, Eragon, Ender's Game, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Dark Sun Rising, Left Behind, Out of the Silent Planet, The Giver, Anne of Green Gables, Tiger, Tiger, or simply finding an author she enjoys such as Jodi Picoult, C.S. Lewis, Mary Higgins Clark, Agatha Christie, Francine Rivers, Tom Clancy, and many others...
• Take her shopping and buy her her favorite outfit.
• Do funny things together, like fingerpainting, having a naked food fight, playing hide and go seek, wrestling, playing hide and go seek in the dark, having her run in the mall and seeing if you can find her, or making a random shopping list and racing in the grocery store to see who can get the most ingredients first.
• Play video games together. (If you don't have a video game set, play computer games like Text Twist, or play card games for two like Speed, War, Crazy 8s, or Phase 10.
• When she is sick and has a fever, offer to massage her thighs and calves; this often makes aching, feverish muscles feel better.
• When she says she had a bad dream, don't nod and go back to sleep. Wake up, hug her, and ask her to tell you about it. If she didn't want to talk about it, she wouldn't have woken you up.
• Get a colored pen and write her letters, notes, songs, poems, or just copy famous poems for her in her favorite color.
• Take her shopping to smell different colognes. Buy her favorite, and wear it every day, especially when you two are fighting or haven't seen each other in a long time.
• Every once in a while, when you go out to eat, order the appetizer or dessert. Tell her she's worth the extra money.
• Stop whatever you are doing when she comes home. Cuddle with her and ask her about her day. Then go back to whatever you were doing.
• When someone else has offended or upset her, offer to intervene.
• Wake her up at night with lighted candles, flowers, and music for a special occasion or anniversary.
• Tell her how great she smells.
• When you hug her, wrap both your arms around her and squeeze her tightly; don't do the half-hearted one-armed hug.
• Always kiss her goodnight.
• Before she leaves in the morning, stand with her at the door and quickly pray over her. Shower her with prayer for protection, wisdom, safety, and peace during her day.
• Watch her sleep and tell her about how cute she looked later.
• Cover her up with a blanket in her sleep.
• If she has cramps, put her in bed with a heating pad, a bottle of water, and some painkillers. Give her a book or movie and let her rest.
• Surprise her by planning a trip and refusing to tell her where she's going. Pack for her so she doesn't see what kind of clothes you're taking for her! Once you arrive at the airport, give her a small makeup bag and tell her it's her "trip survival bag." Put in it whatever will tell her what the trip entails--some sunblock for the beach, coupons for a massage at a resort, gloves for a ski trip, condoms and massage oil for a romantic weekend, etc.
• Make her a 12-month calendar, each month with pictures of the two of you. She can take it to work and show you off to all your friends!
• make the bed in the morning before she has a chance to
• Help her out of her coat and hang it up in the closet when you both get home
• buy her sexy lingerie for no reason at all. Tell her it's because she's beautiful.
• Ask her how you can be a better lover. Ask her to give you three things you do well in bed and three things you can improve on. Then improve them.
• Send her flowers or balloons to work. She'll love the attention she gets from co-workers.
• Offer to do something together: take ballroom dancing, join a choir or theatre group, volunteer at church, or join a sports team.
• Go ice-skating and hold hands.
• Give her the better pillow.
• When you shower together, let her hog the hot water.
• Find a scent she likes and invest in candles, incense, or spray for the house.
• brush your teeth or use mouthwash before you see her or kiss her (gum doesn't work and gets in the way). Women are usually sensitive to smell and she'll notice you put forth the effort!
• Play the alphabet game in the car.
• Ask her to name her first memory of you. In order, take turns sharing your memories, from first to now. It is a good re-cap of your relationship!
• Hold the umbrella when it rains.
• Drop her off at the door and walk in from the parking lot yourself.
• Get all doors, even when there are two.
• Help her with heavy or high-up objects before she has to ask.
• Open her car door when she gets in.
• Walk on the outside of the sidewalk, nearer the street.
• Offer her your coat when she is cold.
• Put your arm around her and hold her hand with your other hand when you are sitting together, such as at church or the movies.
• When in public, always make a point to be touching her in some way.
• When she wears her hair up with bobby pins, don't let her take them out herself. Gently take her hands and place them at her sides, then take them out yourself.
• Help her get zippers and jewelry on and off, even when she doesn't ask or seem to need your help.
• Carry three or four bags for every bag she's carrying.
• Tell her how proud you are of her and why.
• Brag on her (her looks, her accomplishments, her cooking, her job, her hobbies) in public, to your friends, and to your family members. Make sure she can hear you, or tell her about it later.
• Find out how to say "I love you" in several languages.
• Sing to her. (Note: this only works if you have a halfway decent voice, OR if she is not a singer. If she is a musician and will know when you are offkey, don't bother--you'll just hurt her ears!)
• Tell her you rushed home because you couldn't wait to be with her.
• Ask for her advice or comfort when you are confused, angry, sad, or hurt. Don't try to handle everything on your own; women love to feel needed.
• Find delicious finger-foods and feed them to her.
• Use words to describe her other than "beautiful." Try fascinating, breathtaking, delicate, amazing, exquisite, everything I ever wanted, every man's dream, etc.
• Go above and beyond. Example: if she is sick and asks you to bring her sprite, come back with sprite, chicken soup, cough drops, extra-soft kleenex, and cold medicine.
• Be concerned and worried about her physical, emotional, and mental health. Remember to ask about it and follow up when she does mention something.
• Mention how happy you are with her in your life. Give examples. Tell her why you think you're lucky to have her. When other guys are jealous of you, brag about it to her.
• At every meal, offer her a bite of your food. Rather than handing the food to her on a fork, hold your fork out to her and feed her yourself. (Don't try this with messy or liquidy foods--save it for safe foods!)
• Tuck her into bed, rub her feet, scratch her back, or massage her temples. Come up with a good-night routine, such as reading from the Bible or praying together, that you do together every night. This will relax her and help both of you sleep better.

I'm sure there are more, but that should suffice....

Basically, if she wants it, make sure she has it.

If she mentions it, make sure you remember it.

If it makes her smile, do it again.

How to Be His Biggest Cheerleader

If women need a hero to sweep them off their feet and battle life's dragons for them, men need cheerleaders. No--the short-skirted outfits and pigtails are strictly optional, ladies. I mean what men need, usually, is a fan club, encouragement, respect, and validation.

God understands this about the men He created. Proverbs 25:24 says:

It is better to be living in an angle of the house-top, than with a bitter-tongued woman in a wide house.

Many translations say a "contentious" woman, but I think here "bitter-tongued" is more specific. And everyone knows men hate bitter-tongued (critical, nagging) wives.

What about that oh-so-holy, wonderful, rather annoying Proverbs 31 woman we are all supposed to be? In her relationship with her husband, the Bible says:

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

There you have it; she brings him good every single day! She doesn't harm him--obviously, she's isn't physically harming him. But neither is she harming his self esteem, his ego, or his sense of self-worth. She's definitely too busy working, clothing her family in scarlet, and helping the needy to criticize, nag, or verbally accost him. We can infer that this righteous woman is neither verbally abusing (name-calling, yelling, using put-downs) nor emotionally abusing (criticizing, punishing, controlling, nagging, bullying, giving the silent treatment to) this dearly loved man to whom she is bringing good, not harm, every day of her life. Verse 23 says her husband is well respected at the city gates, so we assume when she speaks of him to others, it is only with respect and admiration--building him up--or he would not be so respected in the city.

Okay, that may be stretching the verse, but the Word does say "Don't say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you" (Ephesians 4:29) and "clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12b-14). It seems God knows that His people have sensitive, tender hearts, and need to be spoken to with patience, gentleness, and kindness--even when we are correcting someone.

Men often have great egos with the world, but very small ones with their wives. Just as you want a man to sweep in and be your hero, he wants to be that hero. Men--even the most passive ones--secretly want to be the daring and valiant hero of the story. Families, society, their jobs, their wives, even their churches have taught them for long centuries to reject this side of themselves--creating men who are passive, angry, frightened, and cowardly because they do not know how else to be. Yet something in their hearts longs to be like God, longs to be the strong father and king and master and lover, longs to be wild and daring and brave.

If men can do great harm to women with their physical strength, women can do great harm to men with their words. Oh, don't misunderstand me: women and men, we want the same things! We both desire the man to be the best he can be, stronger, faster, braver, more loving, more loyal, more hardworking, better. We want the hero and he longs to be the hero. But we both secretly believe he cannot be that hero, he doesn't have what it takes, and he is just going to be a disappointment or embarrassment if he tries... and so we believe Satan's lies and do not even try. Or, if we try to encourage the men in our lives to be heroes, our way of motivating them looks a lot like criticizing, nagging, and belitting.

I am not blaming. I know most women's hearts are pure. We truly want our men to succeed, and when he won't do it on his own, and gentle encouragements don't help, we see no alternative but to 1. give up on him and do it ourselves or 2. nag him into it. Neither option is what we wanted, but those are the choices we think we have.

...Or is Satan lying again?

I believe men can be the heroes of the Bible and fairy tales. They may have to work hard, and fight their own fears, insecurities, and passive personalities, but they can do it. That is why God made them.

Just look at what God did for ordinary men in the Bible:

• Moses, who was so passive God finally got mad and gave the job to Aaron, was nonetheless given the bravery to face a king, free a nation of slaves, lead them into a barren desert, and part a sea.


• Adam, who was so passive he stood right by his wife and did not say a word while she disobeyed the only Father they'd ever known, nonetheless became the father of all humanity--his genes run in us all.


• Abraham, who was so passive and fearful he let his own wife be sexually used by another man, was nonetheless turned by God into a man who left his homeland and everything he'd known, believed on faith his barren wife would have a son, and was then brave enough to try to murder that son when God told him to.


• The youngest and most unimportant of Jesse's sons, too small to even wear a soldier's armor, nonetheless walked onto a battlefield with a trained soldier alone and had the courage to throw a rock at an armed man.


• Joseph, who in his youth was so arrogant his own family tried to kill him and them sold him into slavery, nonethess with God's help became the 2nd most important man in Egypt, a powerful and feared leader.


• Hosea, a solitary prophet, was someone given the strength to go back again and again, buying his wife back from her chosen vocation as a common prostitute, treating her with forgiveness and grace that are almost incomprehensible in his position. No doubt his heart and pride were mortally wounded that his own wife preferred a life of paid sex over him, a devout and upright man--yet he took her back and loved her anyway.


• And centuries later, Yeshua, a plain young man with no power, money, or background, was beaten, tortured, and killed--then rose three days later victorious, carrying the entire salvation of humanity on his back.

You see? God does amazing things with ordinary men. Tax collectors known for their pettiness and greed, traitors to their own people, became apostles of God Most High on earth. Paul, a nasty man who enjoyed killing and torturing innocent people in his spare time, was transformed into a man of power and prayer who singlehandedly spread Christianity throughout much of the known world.

God is a God of power and transformation. A God who defeats armies, defies kings, parts seas, rains fire upon entire populations, kills every firstborn in the country, and singlehandedly raises a dead man back to life will have no problem transforming your husband into a man like Himself--a man of power and goodness.

How can you help? By being his cheerleader! Make an effort to support him, even in his hobbies that you don't really care too much about. If you're having trouble being appreciative of him because of his many failures, try to write down a list of areas he is good in--maybe he plays with your children? gives good back rubs? makes his friends laugh? leaves generous tips? works hard at his job? attends church regularly? prays with you? throws a good curveball? can tell the difference between 5 types of beer with his eyes closed? remembers your birthday? feeds the dog? No matter how small, make a list of things he does well, is good at, or tries hard at. Make a list of times he made you smile, made you laugh, made your day happier, gave you really fabulous sex, or helped you solve a problem.

Now that you have a list of things he does well, make a goal to say something to build him up once or twice a day. Make sure it's sincere; even something small, like, "Remember that time you brought my mom flowers? That was so sweet! I was just thinking about what a sweet man you are," will make him feel appreciated. Probably it won't have any huge effects on him at first, but eventually he will feel that you are appreciating him for who he is.

Of course, if the first part of being his biggest cheerleader is saying more positive things, what is the second part? Saying fewer negative ones! This will probably be harder for you than saying positive things.

Every day, read over a Bible verse that discusses the importance of holy talk, encouragement, gentleness, kindness, patience, and lack of negativity in our dealings with each other. When you catch yourself about to say something snappy or demeaning, stop yourself and ask: do I really need to bring this up? Usually, the answer is no. If this is an important subject that actually requires you to bring up an area of his weakness, remember to focus on making it a "loving confrontation." Say only what is needed for him to understand the problem and improve; criticism, nagging, and sarcasm are not needed. Remember to "say only what is helpful for building others up" and weigh your words by this standard.

If you fail sometimes, that's okay; you're human! Just learn from your slip-up and try not to make the same mistake again. Tell your husband how much you love and respect him. Give him reasons you respect him, remind him of why you first fell in love with him, and point out things he does well. Make sure he knows you notice the times he succeeds and he feels you are his biggest cheerleader. The more he feels you are on his side, the more he is going to want to become that Godly, heroic man for you! And in that situation, everyone wins.

The Five Levels of Communication

While researching marriage and engagement, I found an article on the five levels of communication in relationships. Needless to say, communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, and making sure you and your partner can operate at the highest levels of communication is probably one of the best things you can do for your relationship.

1. Cliche. This level is very basic. It's the small-talk stage. "Hello, how are you, what did you do today?" No important or personal information is given or shared.
2. Fact. Here you are sharing factual information with your partner. You are telling him what happened, the order of events, or other information.
3. Opinion. In this level, you share your thoughts and opinions. You might discuss politics, religion, or just your thoughts on something going on in your relationship.
4. Emotion. This higher level of emotion means you are no longer sharing only facts and opinions (impersonal) but now sharing your feelings and emotions as well (personal). You are expressing your emotions to your partner and letting her know that you are angry, sad, confused, lonely, or jealous. This lets your partner know you on a better, deeper level than when you only share your opinions about a situation.
5. Transparency. This is the highest level of communication! Here, nothing is held back. You are completely open and honest, holding nothing back. At this level, both partners reach total vulnerability. No emotions or thoughts are minimized or kept to yourself at this stage, but you share every inner part of you as it occurs.

Obviously, in a marital relationship you want to aim for reaching (and staying at!) level five. The bulk of your relationships should operate around levels four and five. If this is not happening, you should make time to sit with your partner and discuss how you can better achieve level five in your relationship. Is one of you stuck at level 3 or 4? Why? How can you help each other pass this, and to the level of utter trust and vulnerability?

To see the original article at About.com, click here.

Questions to Ask Before Marriage

Communication before marriage is a big indicator of how well you will communicate and solve problems after marriage. If you are contemplating a serious relationship or engagement, take the time to answer these questions and ask your partner to do the same.

1. Do you want to have children? How many? How far apart? How soon into the
marriage? Will you use birth control? What kind? How would you deal with
unexpected pregnancy? Do you want to adopt? When?

2. How will you deal with money? How much should you tithe and save? What
should savings go to? What will extra money go to? Will you loan to friends and
family who need it? Will you invest, and in what? Who will be in charge of
paying bills? Should you talk with each other about all purchases, or purchases
over a certain limit? Will you have some money you can use on your own,
independently, and how much? Do you have any personal savings or debt you will
bring into the marriage? How will you handle that as a couple?

3. How often do you want to have sex? How will you deal with times when you
cannot or do not have sex (pregnancy, menstration, childbirth, separation, low
libido, illness, marital problems)? Can you talk about fantasies and desires?
What are your beliefs on kinky sex, sadomasochism, dirty talk, masturbation,
porn, swinging? Can you talk about your sex life with friends and family or will
it be completely private? What will you do when one of you wants to have sex but
the other does not? How will you handle sexual dysfunction, like inability to
orgasm, lack of pleasure during sex, or inability to get aroused?

4. What will your relationship be with your in-laws? Will you spend equal
time with them both? Where will you spend holidays? How much will you visit? How
close or far do you want to live from them? How involved will they be in your
children's lives? How will you handle disagreements with them? How often will
you talk to them on the phone? How will you keep boundaries with them in the
areas of finance, marital issues, raising children, visits, and phone calls?
What happens when they become old or ill? Will they live with you? Will you move
closer? Will you use a nursing home? Who will pay for it?

5. Who will do the cleaning? Who will do which chores? Will you have a set
schedule for cleaning or chores? How clean do you want the house to be? Is one
of you a neat freak and the other not? How will you hande this?

6. How do you want to spend your days off? What activities will you have
(outside of work) that will take time away from each other? How much time will
you spend on indivual activities, hobbies, clubs, and with old friends?

7. What about drugs and alcohol? How often do you drink? How often do you
smoke? How often do you believe it is acceptable to smoke pot? What about
prescription pill abuse? Harder drugs?

8. Do you have anger management problems? Have you ever hit someone? Yelled
at them? Thrown things? Given hours and days of silent treatment? Done things to
"punish" someone? How will you become healthier? What will you do if you want to
go to counseling, but your partner does not?

9. What does fidelity mean to you? Is it okay to fantasize about having sex
with someone else? Is it okay to flirt with other people? Kiss or hug? Is it
okay to have close friends of the opposite sex? What about spending alone time
with these friends?

10. What do you think we'll be doing in 30 or 40 years? What are our goals?
How will one of us be taken care of if the other dies? What about serious
illness and insurance coverage? What goals do you have for us in 5 years? 10?
20? 30? 40?

Also, please take time before your marriage to discuss your values: Do you think one parent should stay home to raise the kids? Who? If not, who will watch them? How strict will you be as a parent? What happens when one of you wants to move or change jobs and the other doesn't? How will you handle disagreements about parenting styles? What about when one of you wants to make a big purchase and the other does not? What if one of you wanted to change churches or denominations? Do you agree on major religious beliefs and values? How will you handle minor disagreements?

From Top Ten Marriage Dealbreakers

Thoughts on Forgiving One Another

The following is an editorial I wrote on forgiveness in March 2007.

For the last few hours, forgiveness has been on my mind. What exactly is forgiveness? How can I forgive when I can't forget? I know that as Christians, we are forgiven for all we do. We come to God, we say we're sorry, and God casts it away. He completely forgets about it. It never comes up again. One of my favorite quotes was given to me by a friend's Mom when, in high school, I was confused about whether my forgiven sins are still going to be held against me on judgment day. She quoted this verse to me, and I have loved it ever since: "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." When I am feeling bummed about something I did or one of my many failures, I remember this verse.

Another "big" moment in my road to learning about God's forgiveness was a sermon at a Protestant church. The pastor talked about how God completely forgets our sins once we have repented and asked forgiveness. He said that we come to God, groaning, "Oh, God! I have sinned AGAIN!" and that God simply replies, "Again?" To God, there is no again. He has chosen to forget, and so to Him, this is the first time we have ever sinned and the last as well. Lori once told me that when God looks at us, He doesn't see our sins. He sees Jesus. He sees Jesus in us, covering up our sins, and so when he looks at us He sees only perfection and love.
My friend also has a song which I really like, called Ocean Floor. The lyrics are so simple, but I believe they are based on a bible verse. To quote http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/audioadrenaline/oceanfloor.html:

They're all behind you

They'll never find you

They're on the ocean floor

Your sins are forgotten

They're on the bottom

Of the ocean floor

"If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness." Psalm130:3-4

But I digress. I have lately been deep in thought about the matter of human forgiveness. Alexander Pope says, "To err is human, to forgive is divine." What does forgiveness mean when neither the offender nor the forgiver is divine? Suddenly what is easy with God becomes much harder with man. How do I forgive when I keep thinking about it? What if they don't even think they are wrong? What if they never admit they're wrong and they never apologize? What if they do it 20 more times? Am I obligated to forgive everyone for everything, or when is it just better to cut my losses and seek out healthier relationships with growing, striving Christians? (Because sometimes our parents and friends are abusive, cold, or wrong, and will never change.) Sometimes forgiving seems a lot easier for Jesus than it is for us.

I admire God deeply for His forgiving nature. It is one of the things I most respect about Him. Really. There are so many things about God that I want to be. I really respect those things about Him. He is strong, He is smart, He is capable, He is forgiving, He is loving. If Jesus were a man on earth he would be one pretty amazing guy. All the girls would want him. :) And I have read books that say every Christian woman is looking for a guy who embodies Jesus' good qualities. Heck, look at my list of God's qualities. What girl doesn't want a guy who has those, too? For that matter, what guy doesn't want a girl who embodies those? But that is a whole different topic. :)

But anyway, if I had to pick one thing I just really admire most about God, it would be His forgiveness. That is just something we humans cannot do well. We struggle and struggle with it. If I did to any human what I've done to God, they would have given up on me a long time ago. Yet God never does. I really respect that quality.So I am struggling right now with the issue of forgiveness. (Before all you analytical people start doing this whole A=B, B=C, then A=C thing in your heads, haha, let me just state that this has nothing to do with one issue or one person. I have just been mulling this over in my mind.) :) So today I have been looking it up a bit online. And I think there are some really good things out there. Definitely worth sharing.


"By the act of forgiveness we release the other person from a debt, an obligation to make whole something that has been injured or taken from us, whether in terms of property or from ourselves, in terms of our identity or self worth or our relationships with other persons. So, to begin with, "I forgive you" means, "I release you."To forgive another, we must be able to believe and decide that:
• The hurt was not intended, or
• It was motivated by a misunderstanding or an error.
• The offender is sorry, and
• Understands his or her acts, and
• The offender will make a sincere attempt to change and not hurt us in the same manner again in the future.

To forgive, we must:
1. Relieve the other person of their obligation to us for their hurting us.
2. Resist the temptation to bring up the offence again, unless it happens again.
3. Assist, the offender, either passively or actively, to make the adjustments that will be necessary to fulfill the intent of their apology.
4. Acknowledge changed behavior and attitudes, when growth has occurred.
http://www.drcomeau.com/Forgive-And-Be-Forgiven.htm by Dr. A. Comeau

In many situations, there is a desire for forgiveness and a desire to forgive -- a mutual desire for restoration. What most often gets in the way of restoration -- of forgiving and being forgiven -- is the inability to forget. Trust is broken, resulting in pain and anger. There is both a desire to ease the pain, and an impulse, arising out of the anger, to punish -- which merely perpetuates the pain. There is an assumption that, for all to be forgiven, all must be forgotten.

We must first understand that it is not necessary to forget in order to forgive. What is necessary is to remove from the other the consequences of what the other has done. This is a useful understanding because it gives us something we can actually do, something that, unlike forgetting, is actually within our power to do-- and it makes clear what the real limitations on forgiveness are.


If forgiveness is the removal of consequences, not all things can be forgiven. Not all things should be forgiven. We should not expect forgiveness to remove all pain. And forgiveness is not a momentary act. Forgiveness is a process attempting to restore a relationship, to renew a covenant.


And so this is what I think saying "I forgive you" means: "I do not wish my life to remain separated from your life. I want us to restore our relationship, to make a new covenant, to grow toward a new place of faith and trust."
http://www.uuca.org/sermon.php?id=46 by Dr. E. Frost


"I forgive you" means you're still wrong. --L.B. Gresham


Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, NOT WHERE WE WISH WE WERE. It is to want to renew a friendship; to want a new relationship with husband, father, daughter, friend, or indeed enemy. It may not take away the hurt. It does not deny the past injury. It does not ignore the possibility and need for repentance and a change in the relationship.It means that I am willing to have a relationship with the other party that is based on Christian love and not on what has happened in the past, if the response of the other person makes that possible.


Two New Testament words we translate "to forgive" mean literally "to let go" and "to cancel a debt". I found that at times the phrase "I forgive you" seemed empty, so I said, "I release you. I let you go. I let go of this offence. I cancel your debt. You owe me nothing now. I renounce my desire to get even with you." That way, the imagery of this biblical language filled the word "forgiveness" with a more specific and concrete meaning. Of course, it is always on the cards that reconciliation may be impossible because of the unwillingness of the other party to be reconciled or to admit any fault in the matter. However, I am not responsible for their actions, only my own.
http://www.christianity.co.nz/forgive3.htm

(End of quotes)

One of the most profound things that changed my thinking on forgiveness was from a book on Christian marriage (probably the area in life where the most forgiveness is going to be necessary!). I cannot remember the entire quote, but it was basically this:

"I forgive you means: I will not hold this against you any more. I will not bring this up again to you or anyone else. I choose to believe that what you did is not the person you are."

Probably the hardest part of that is to not bring it up again to the person or anyone else. It is so tempting to forgive them only UNTIL they screw up again. Then, when they make the mistake for the second (or thirty-second) time, those old hurts come up again, and we want to say, "Ah-HA! You did it AGAIN!" God does not do this. But we humans do. God says, "Again? What do you mean again?" Humans say, "I knew it! I knew you'd do this again!" Which is why I really believe Alexander Pope may have had the right idea when he said that to forgive is divine. I simply cannot forgive on my own strength. Too much of me is hurting, or sad, or shocked, or resentful, or angry. Even when our minds want to forgive, our emotions are powerful enemies. They take over our logic and when our brain is throwing quotes from the Bible telling us to forgive, our hurt emotions completey drown it out. Yet God does not do this. How can we? It is a divine gift to forgive like that. It is God working in us. I think the hardest thing for lots of people (including me!) is to go to God for restoration, not the person who hurt us. The first tendency for a human is to go to this person and say, "You hurt me. Please make it right again." Often, the other person can't or won't. They are only human too. They are hurting as well. They don't know how to make you whole. The correct answer is, of course, to go to God for restoration instead. "Lord, my mom hurt me. She took something away from me. But she can't give it back. Can You give it back to me instead? Help me." But this is hard. This is what I think Dr. Comeau means when he says we release the person of their obligation to us. It is so hard to do, but that is his advice. Don't go to them with your broken heart and ask them to make it right. Decide, out of the kindness of your own heart, to free them from any responsibility to make you feel better. Go to God to make you feel better instead.


Is this always possible? Is this always wise? I don't know. But I think that is what he is saying. Of course, I'm thinking out loud. I do not believe that writing a facebook note about forgiveness is going to help. I think the best thing for me to do is pray. To pray for myself about this. To pray for my friends and family. To pray that all of us will learn to forgive, maybe never to forget, but to at least forgive, clear the slate, and move on. And two days later, when the same thing comes up again, to do it again. And again. And again.


For those of you that are praying people, please pray for me as well. That I will get better at this. That I will grow at this. One of the most powerful things anyone has ever said to me, and again, this is from a beautiful and wonderful Christian woman, was when I came to her, hurt and depressed over something horrible I had done. I expected her to be horrified, or disappointed, and to let me know how awful it was. Instead, my beautiful Christian friend showed me God's heart. She told me:

"I don't care what you did. I know your heart, and that is not you. That is not who you are."

She was the first person (but not the last! And for that, thanks to many of my beautiful and wonderful friends and family) who ever saw a beautiful heart still existed behind my sin and failures. She choose not to worry about the failures. She choose to look past and see the heart, and to let me know she saw such good things in me. Can we do this for each other? "I know your heart, and that is not you. That is not who you are."

"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more." Romans 5:20

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:8

Carpe Diem

Below, find an editorial I wrote after in July 2006.

I am so sick of people being cautious. Cautious, safe, guarded. It is no way to live. It is passively living, trying desperately to control circumstances outside of your control, to guard against things that can’t be guarded against, and to shut out experiences that maybe shouldn’t be shut out.

Cautious people—including me—are the wusses who let life go by while we are hoping it will come round again later. Ugh.

Now that I have been on the opposite side of this—with Bobby—I do not like cautious people. Life rarely throws you a gift this great. Do you think you can let it go by and that it will actually come around again? We have a finite number of chances to love, to live, to laugh, to learn. Carpe diem and all that. If you pass up a chance—well, you’d better be darn sure it was an experience worth passing up.

Think you are in love? Found someone who is a wonderful, rare gift? Don’t give them up by saying “I want to wait til I’m more mature.” The only way to get more mature is to jump in headfirst, scared and terrified and unprepared though you are. To learn and grow together. That person will probably never be available to you again, and you’ve just lost them—to what? To fear and insecurity.

Offered your dream job? Don’t pass it up because you feel underprepared or under-qualified. Don’t wait until you’ve got more experience. Dive in and get the experience as you go. Better to stumble around the dance floor than never dance at all.

Want to act, sing, or dance? Don’t pass it up to become something mature and secure like a teacher, doctor, or a lawyer instead. Screw the money and security and do what you want to do. Act, sing, and dance. You will not be young forever. God shapes our hearts so we are fit to a mold, and if we try to deny that mold, we’ll be fighting it unhappily for the rest of our lives.

Want to travel? Go. Want to learn a language? Sign up for classes. Want to make up with a friend? Write him today. Want to tell someone you love him? Tell him today. Life is not meant to be passed up, saved away til later, or approached with caution. It flies by, and opportunities whisk past and never come again. Sure, exercise cautioun and restraint, prudence even---but do not be passive. Do not let life happen to you. Happen to it.

Love is scary and terrifying. It is meant to be that way. It is a risk. You will get hurt. There is no way to guard against this. But do you really want to sit idly on the bleachers and never experience it at all? Hearts heal. Minds renew. God is powerful and faithful—he will get you through whatever heartache life throws your way. Trust in him, lean on him, and trust in yourself. You are strong enough to handle the pain when it comes, and you will survive. Rest in peace knowing that when the storm comes, you can handle it, and you will make it through. It doesn’t mean it won’t be hard, and you won’t have regrets, and it won’t be awful. It might. But rest in peace knowing it will end and you will be all right when it does.

Sadly, much of life is a “limited time only!” offer. Rush in and get yours today. Live while you have life. Enjoy love while you can. Don’t be scared of it and back off, afraid you’ll get burned. You will get burned. It is not a fear you need to have, not something you need to worry about, “Will I or won’t I get burned?” The answer is yes, you will. Go ahead and do it anyway. It will hurt just as much if you don’t take advantage of it, but at least this way you’ve got the joy and good memories to see you through it.

You will get hurt. You will be betrayed. Your heart will be broken. Your dreams will be crushed. You will have bad days. People will let you down. You will make mistakes. But you will be happy.

And it will be worth it.

Carpe diem.