1. Do you want to have children? How many? How far apart? How soon into theAlso, please take time before your marriage to discuss your values: Do you think one parent should stay home to raise the kids? Who? If not, who will watch them? How strict will you be as a parent? What happens when one of you wants to move or change jobs and the other doesn't? How will you handle disagreements about parenting styles? What about when one of you wants to make a big purchase and the other does not? What if one of you wanted to change churches or denominations? Do you agree on major religious beliefs and values? How will you handle minor disagreements?
marriage? Will you use birth control? What kind? How would you deal with
unexpected pregnancy? Do you want to adopt? When?
2. How will you deal with money? How much should you tithe and save? What
should savings go to? What will extra money go to? Will you loan to friends and
family who need it? Will you invest, and in what? Who will be in charge of
paying bills? Should you talk with each other about all purchases, or purchases
over a certain limit? Will you have some money you can use on your own,
independently, and how much? Do you have any personal savings or debt you will
bring into the marriage? How will you handle that as a couple?
3. How often do you want to have sex? How will you deal with times when you
cannot or do not have sex (pregnancy, menstration, childbirth, separation, low
libido, illness, marital problems)? Can you talk about fantasies and desires?
What are your beliefs on kinky sex, sadomasochism, dirty talk, masturbation,
porn, swinging? Can you talk about your sex life with friends and family or will
it be completely private? What will you do when one of you wants to have sex but
the other does not? How will you handle sexual dysfunction, like inability to
orgasm, lack of pleasure during sex, or inability to get aroused?
4. What will your relationship be with your in-laws? Will you spend equal
time with them both? Where will you spend holidays? How much will you visit? How
close or far do you want to live from them? How involved will they be in your
children's lives? How will you handle disagreements with them? How often will
you talk to them on the phone? How will you keep boundaries with them in the
areas of finance, marital issues, raising children, visits, and phone calls?
What happens when they become old or ill? Will they live with you? Will you move
closer? Will you use a nursing home? Who will pay for it?
5. Who will do the cleaning? Who will do which chores? Will you have a set
schedule for cleaning or chores? How clean do you want the house to be? Is one
of you a neat freak and the other not? How will you hande this?
6. How do you want to spend your days off? What activities will you have
(outside of work) that will take time away from each other? How much time will
you spend on indivual activities, hobbies, clubs, and with old friends?
7. What about drugs and alcohol? How often do you drink? How often do you
smoke? How often do you believe it is acceptable to smoke pot? What about
prescription pill abuse? Harder drugs?
8. Do you have anger management problems? Have you ever hit someone? Yelled
at them? Thrown things? Given hours and days of silent treatment? Done things to
"punish" someone? How will you become healthier? What will you do if you want to
go to counseling, but your partner does not?
9. What does fidelity mean to you? Is it okay to fantasize about having sex
with someone else? Is it okay to flirt with other people? Kiss or hug? Is it
okay to have close friends of the opposite sex? What about spending alone time
with these friends?
10. What do you think we'll be doing in 30 or 40 years? What are our goals?
How will one of us be taken care of if the other dies? What about serious
illness and insurance coverage? What goals do you have for us in 5 years? 10?
20? 30? 40?
From Top Ten Marriage Dealbreakers
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