Fighting Techniques That Get You Nowhere

One of the most challenging things in life is to be in a relationship. It is, of course, also one of the most rewarding. But sometimes it is just challenging. However, I comfort myself with the knowledge that, without a man in my life, I would have no daily fodder for this relationship blog.

My latest area of ponderance has been fighting techniques that simply do not work. To be fair to my partner, I use them, too, although I must admit it infuriates me more when he uses them. :) Without further ado, here are some fighting techniques we all try to use, but that are 100% worthless and will get you absolutely nowhere fast:

• Interrupting. This one is probably my biggest fault. I have such a strong emotional reaction to the first thing my partner says, and can already see where this is going so fast, that it becomes literally impossible for me to not interrupt. The words just fly out of my mouth! Still, it's rude, and I don't like it when people do it to me. So no matter how much you are dying to react NOW to what was just said, if your partner is still talking, try not to jump in.
• Bringing up unimportant details. This one is one of my partner's particularly endearing fighting habits. Things I've done that did not, in fact, upset, anger, or hurt him are nonetheless brought up as support for similar things I have done that annoyed him. To him, he is bringing them up because they relate, and they help him prove his point. But if you do this, all this does is make the details important. If you are yelling or fighting about them, your partner thinks they are important to you and will react accordingly. Often this results in her feeling incredibly hurt, defensive, or angry over behaviors that were not even that big a deal to you in the first place. If something didn't hurt or bother you, it has no place in an argument just so you can "be right," so don't bring it up.
• Comparing your partner to yourself. This one also gets you nowhere. If you don't like your partner's reaction, say so ("I don't like it when..."), but don't compare her to you. "I never yell at you!" does not help anyone. It doesn't solve the problem, it doesn't sow seeds of peace (James 3:18, TNIV), and it doesn't help you express your feelings or her know how to solve it (see also Romans 12:18, Matthew 18:15, TNIV). "Please don't yell at me" is a much more effective way to get what you want; you have stated your desire, without comparing her to you and insinuating you are the model of good behavior in the relationship. Comparing yourself never does anyone good! If you are wrong, your partner will feel wronged and angry, making the problem worse, and probably accuse you of being a hypocrite. Even if you are right, you've still solved nothing and only succeeded in making yourself feel better and your partner feel worse. God's Word says we are to be humble, not making ourselves appear better than others, and to remember that we are all different (Romans 12:3-6). Comparing ourselves with the intention of making others come out behind is not the way of God.
• Bragging or asserting yourself. It's tempting to repond to criticism with pride. If you are hurt about your body, it's easy to snap back, "Whatever! I have a great body! I'm much thinner than you; everyone thinks I'm beautiful!" Again, you have not solved the problem, and now you are committing the sin of pride. Stop and think: are you more likely to convince your husband you are beautiful by telling him how hot you are? Probably not. You just look prideful and arrogant, and that never makes anyone beautiful. Rather than being arrogant, go the other way, and humble yourself. Admitting your vulnerabilities is more likely to bring love and healing. A humble, "I feel hurt by that comment. I want you to think I'm beautiful, and I feel insecure. Do you not find me attractive?" is a much better response.
• Sarcasm. This is also tempting! Sarcasm comes naturally when we are hurt and angry. It is a way to self-protect and alienate the other person. Usually, we are hoping to break down walls, but instead we are just building them higher. Sarcasm is never helpful in a fight. It clogs communication channels, and your lover can't hear your real message through the sarcasm. Communication breaks down, and no one wins. If you have a tendency to resort to sarcasm, train yourself to stop; couples who use sarcasm during fights are more likely to get divorced (J. Gottman).
• Using your partner's insecurities to win. This is a particular nasty form of fighting, and like the others I've mentioned, gets you nowhere. When you are very angry, it may be tempting to win at any cost, even your partner's heart. You are not thinking clearly, and you just want to win, or be listened to, or validated. But using your spouse's insecurities against them is never acceptable. Things confided to you in trusting, loving moments must never be brought back up in the context of a fight! You are likely to wound your partner beyond repair, for months and years if not forever. Ask yourself, "Is it more important to me right now to win, or to love her/him?" The answer should be obvious. If you need to bring up an area your spouse is insecure about, make it a "loving confrontation" and never, ever a fight. Approach it as an open discussion, where you ask questions and your spouse comes to his own realizations; it is not your place to make accusations in these highly sensitive areas. I recommend discussing vulnerabilities and insecurities beforehand so one of you doesn't accidentally wound your loved one beyond repair in an argument.

Next time you have a disagreement, monitor yourself closely: do you exhibit these traits? If you do, you are making life harder both for your spouse and for yourself. It is more likely that fights are not effective; that is, they do not get your needs met. The point of arguments is to air out differences and come to mutually agreeable solutions, where both people get their needs met and grow closer as a result. If your fights look more like the list above than a loving confrontation aimed at finding solutions rather than placing blame, you probably leave them feeling exhausted, angry, and unfulfilled. You both deserve to be loved and have your needs met, but you may be unintentionally keeping that from happening. Remember, the reason for your own unhappiness is often yourself, not your spouse.

You may want to consider asking your spouse to read this list and honestly (and nonjudgmentally) tell you which characteristics you exhibit. This can give both of you an opportunity to realize areas you need to improve, ask forgiveness from each other, and begin positive change.