One of the most important things to do in a relationship is to woo (or pursue) your woman. Many men pursue a woman ardently--with flowers, time, compliments, and professions of love--before the wedding vows, only to taper off slowly once she has said "I do." This is not because the man doesn't love her anymore, but because he has already reached one goal (marrying her) and now wants to focus on his next important goal (earning money to support her).
While supporting your wife financially is important and indeed biblical (1 Timothy 5:8), anyone who's ever owned a car can tell you that you can't stop taking care of it once you've signed the papers and driven it off the lot. Cars require constant care (washing, vacuuming, fueling, oil checks), regular maintenance, and quick trips to the mechanic at the first sign of anything going wrong. You don't buy a car and then move on to your next goal, expecting to drive the car for the next 50 years without giving it fuel, oil, and maintenance checks. The same is true of women.
While there are many ways to woo a woman, an important one is thoughtfulness; this is what I will discuss today.
According to dictionary.com, to be thoughtful is "showing consideration for others; considerate; characterized by or manifesting careful thought." Note the emphasis on being thoughtful toward others and by not just thinking, but showing careful thought. Obviously, being thoughtful is something you have to work at! It takes time, effort, and care. But it will be worth it. The dictionary also continues:
These adjectives mean having or showing concern for the well-being of others. Although thoughtful and considerate are often used interchangeably, thoughtful implies a tendency to anticipate needs or wishes, whereas considerate stresses sensitivity to another's feelings. Attentive suggests devoted, assiduous attention. Solicitous implies deep concern that often verges on anxiety or expresses itself in exaggerated attentiveness.
If the dictionary is to be believed, to be thoughtful you must be considerate, anticipate your wife's needs and wishes, be sensitive to her feelings, show devotion, pay lots of attention to her, show deep concern, anxiety, and worry for her, and be extremely attentive to her moods, needs, feelings, and words.
Let's discuss these one by one.
Anticipate her needs and wishes
Of course you are human and can't always be expected to anticipate your wife's needs; you aren't a mind reader! But if you live with her and know her well, you can often anticipate her needs and wants. Is she sick? Take care of her, insist she go to bed, bring her kleenex, soup, 7up, crackers, and a thermometer, take her temperature every few hours, and generally take care of her. Do you know she has a stressful day at work or has been around her mother, which always makes her stressed? Anticipate her need for a relaxing, quiet evening and cook her dinner, surprise her with candles and soft music, or buy her a home spa kit and treat her to a warm bubble bath and some alone time. If you know when she gets hungry, when she gets sleepy, what triggers make her angry, sad, tired, hurt, or stressed, you can anticipate these events and be ready to take care of her before she ever has to ask. Trust me, you will gain many points as a thoughtful husband!
Be sensitive to her feelings
This means you are aware of her emotions, moods, and feelings. Study and observe your partner: what tones, expressions, sighs, and facial expressions does she make during certain emotions? By paying attention to her patterns, you can be warned immediately when she starts to feel a certain emotion. One of the best things you can do to make a woman feel loved is to be sensitive to her feelings, not just your own. When you see the warning signs of a certain emotion, ask her how she is feeling. A simple, "Are you feeling hurt? You are making that face you do when you're hurt. Can I help you feel better?" will work wonders. If she is crying, hurt, or screaming, try to put your own feelings aside to take care of her for a moment. Ask her what is wrong and how you can fix it, even if you are in the middle of a fight. The kindest thing one past boyfriend of mine did was, in the middle of a huge fight, where I was reduced to screaming and sobbing, he put his own anger aside. Immediately he stopped yelling, picked me up and held me, and carried me into the bedroom, saying, "Poor baby, you're so upset!" This nurturing and love in the middle of a fight was exactly what I needed; it stopped the fight, made me feel loved, and helped us both focus on the other person and not ourselves.
Show devotion and loyalty
This one is easy. Of course you know she comes first, but does she know she comes first? If not, you need to show her in a way that she will understand, not the way in which you want her to understand. If she complains because you spend too much time at work, watching tv, with your friends, at your mother's house, or doing your hobbies, that is a strong sign she does not feel you are devoted and loyal to her. Consider stopping that activity--or, if it is very important to you, finding a compromise such as cutting back on the activity or doing it together.
Another way to show devotion and loyalty is to make it clear in your actions that she comes first. In groups, at parties, in public, or at family reunions, show your devotion to her. Stay close to her, hold her hand or keep your hand on the small of her back, and don't leave her to go talk to other groups. Ask her what drink she wants and if you can bring her anything; later, as her if she'd like a refill. Sit next to her and make sure you are always touching her in some small way.
If your buddies or family ask you to do a favor, an easy way to show your loyalty to your partner is to simply say, "That sounds great. Let me ask [her name here] and get back to you, okay?" This lets everyone--family, friends, and her--know clearly where your loyalty lies.
If someone insults her or says something negative about her, don't join in or simply say nothing. Defend her! You are the warrior of your home, and defending your family is part of your job description.
Pay attention to her
This is a big part of being thoughtful that many men struggle with. Of course you love your wife and pay attention to her---but you probably find it easier to pay attention to the big things, not the details. However, noticing the details screams "love!" to your woman, and this is what you want her to feel. Pay attention to small details, such as when she gets her hair trimmed, what color shirt she's wearing today, or when she wears different earrings. Notice them and compliment her on them. Small things, such as the color of her nails, a certain snack she mentions she loved, a new outfit, different earrings, or a movie she wanted that you remembered came out today will make her feel loved--because, if you pay attention to her, you must love her!
Also, remember little things she says. If she has a big meeting at work or a stressful exam at school, remember which day it is (write it down if you have to!) and on that day, make a point of showing her you paid attention. Tell her good luck when she leaves, text or email during the day to say good luck again, and ask her how it went first thing when she walks in the door. When she says things, no matter how unimportant, commit them to memory or write them down. Women love to feel noticed and paid attention to. We get angry if you don't remember or don't listen to us, so try to listen for details and memorize them for later.
Show concern, anxiety, and worry
Men and women are often different in this area. While women show their concern by worrying about others, men choose to believe others can handle problems alone. To them, they are complimenting their wife by not worrying about her--they are showing her they think she is a strong, capable, intelligent woman and they believe she has the strength to handle this alone!
For women, however, this sends the wrong message. Not worrying about her means you don't care what happens. The more their mothers and friends worry and fuss over them, the more loved women feel. The same is true for their husbands. When they tell you a story (they are feeling sick, they got in trouble at work today, they almost got into a wreck, they feel depressed, someone almost mugged them) they are hoping for a show of fireworks from the man in their lives! We don't want you to calmly nod and say, "Uh-huh. Well, I'm glad everything turned out okay." Even if everything did turn out okay, we want you to jump to your feet and explode with worry. We want you to shout, "Holy crap! Are you all right? What happened?! Are you sure you're okay? Do you want me to beat the crap out of [him/her] for you? I'm so worried about you!"
This may seem a bit silly and melodramatic, but the more you worry about us, the more loved we feel. We want you to worry and stay up all night when we are out alone at night. We want you to fret over our hurt feelings or bad day at work. We want you to shudder at the thought of us in emotional or physical danger. The more you worry about us and share your worries with us, the more loved we'll feel!
Be attentive
The last tenet of being a thoughtful husband/boyfriend/lover is being attentive. This means paying attention to us and our needs. The literally meaning comes from the word, "to attend," as in a waiter attends his customers at a table. No, you don't have to serve us, but attending us would be great! Is she cold? Get up and get a blanket. Thirsty? Go get her water. Craving ice cream? Go buy her some. Does she want a particular book/movie/outfit but is worried she can't afford it? Buy it for her. Did she sigh wistfully over a hero in a movie? Go out and buy her flowers, or whatever that hero guy did that made her sigh. Does she feel sick? Insist she take the day off from work and take care of her as much as possible.
Being thoughtful means being not just a husband, but a friend and lover. It means you keep pursuing her heart, even after she is committed to you. It means you show her how devoted you are and how important she is to you by your words, actions, and deeds. It means you pay more attention to her than you do to sports or your boss or yourself. It means you are romantic and loving and chivalrous. It means you do sweet things for her, not just on special occasions and when it is expected, but all the time and for no reason at all. Thoughtful means your head is "full of thoughts," and all those thoughts are about her. You know it, the world knows it, and most importantly, she knows it.
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