I'm not excusing abusive behavior. No matter why you are engaging in physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, it is not okay.
But I believe the role of abuser is often left untold. We often spend so much time focusing on the victims and potential victims. The abuser is only mentioned insofar as they make other people's lives worse. Readers are left hating, reviling, or--at best--not understanding abusers and the pain they, too, carry. This seems unfortunate to me.
The truth is, for every abused victim out there, there is a counterpart, the equally unhappy abuser. Abusers aren't abusers because they are mean, evil people who delight in causing others pain; they are unhappy, insecure people struggling to get their needs met, and usually unsure of how to do this or simply not aware that their methods are hurting their loved ones. The good news is, you have a right to get those needs met! You do not have a right to hurt others in the process. Thankfully, there are healthy, constructive ways to have your needs met and live in peace and harmony with your friends, family, and coworkers.
If you are an abuser, this does not make you a bad person. Help is available. And you can change. One of my favorite lyrics from a musical is when the character of God tells the audience, "There is no journey gone so far, you cannot stop and change direction." No matter how far gone you are in the path of abuse, it is not too late to change. It may be hard--and it will be!--but it is possible. Help is available.
Many people simply can't understand why someone would abuse. They assume you must be a terrible, mean person. But this isn't always true. Maybe you find yourself exhibiting abusive behaviors because you were never loved during childhood and simply never learned how to correctly show love. Maybe you were abused yourself in your past, and you have deep wounds needing healing. Maybe you learned unhealthy ways of control and abuse from a parent, and are simply doing what you learned was natural and right. Maybe you struggle with drug or alcohol abuse and your behaviors with your family are simply an unintended side effect of that. Perhaps you suffer from a mental disorder or brain damage. Or maybe you are simply going through a rough few years of your life, where stress and negative emotions are so overwhelming you are not aware of your behaviors. You are acting out toward others because of inner pain, and you have the right to support and help, and to have that pain healed and so you can receive the love you deserve.
No matter what, all this does not mean you are a bad person. You cannot help your feelings, and you have the right to them! You can feel fury, vengeance, neediness, jealousy, suspicion, betrayal, and even hatred. You can want to hit, bite, scratch, have an orgasm, control, or hurt. What you cannot do is act on these desires. But you are not a bad person for having them. You are not crazy. And help is available.
Of course, if you have tendencies to be sexually abusive, you need to remove yourself from the object(s) of your desires immediately. Maybe later, with counseling and time, you can reintroduce that person back into your life, but right now it is just important to stop the abuse immediately. This can be difficult if the person is in your immediate family, but go stay at a hotel or with a family member. Find a new job or join a new church, but remove yourself from that person. Seek counseling or therapy, and with an honest desire to change, you can be helped.
If you are physically or emotionally abusive, it may still be helpful to remove yourself from the object of your temptation for a while. Counseling will help. So will being honest with your victim, family, and friends. Admit you aren't perfect and ask for forgiveness. The Bible tells us, "Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed" (James 5:16). Hopefully, your confessions will be met with love and support, but if the people in your life react instead with anger or condemnation, know that God reacts only with love and mercy. He is good to forgive, no matter how great the sin, and He will give you the strength to change if you keep asking.
If you are an abuser, my heart goes out to you. You know pain that many of us can't imagine. I personally know past abusers who are wonderful, loving people, dedicated parents, and adoring spouses. They did not realize what they did was wrong and did not act from maliciousness. They have now taken responsibility for their actions, asked forgiveness from their victims and from God, and are working toward newer, healthier lives. You can do the same. Good luck!
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