How to Be His Biggest Cheerleader

If women need a hero to sweep them off their feet and battle life's dragons for them, men need cheerleaders. No--the short-skirted outfits and pigtails are strictly optional, ladies. I mean what men need, usually, is a fan club, encouragement, respect, and validation.

God understands this about the men He created. Proverbs 25:24 says:

It is better to be living in an angle of the house-top, than with a bitter-tongued woman in a wide house.

Many translations say a "contentious" woman, but I think here "bitter-tongued" is more specific. And everyone knows men hate bitter-tongued (critical, nagging) wives.

What about that oh-so-holy, wonderful, rather annoying Proverbs 31 woman we are all supposed to be? In her relationship with her husband, the Bible says:

She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

There you have it; she brings him good every single day! She doesn't harm him--obviously, she's isn't physically harming him. But neither is she harming his self esteem, his ego, or his sense of self-worth. She's definitely too busy working, clothing her family in scarlet, and helping the needy to criticize, nag, or verbally accost him. We can infer that this righteous woman is neither verbally abusing (name-calling, yelling, using put-downs) nor emotionally abusing (criticizing, punishing, controlling, nagging, bullying, giving the silent treatment to) this dearly loved man to whom she is bringing good, not harm, every day of her life. Verse 23 says her husband is well respected at the city gates, so we assume when she speaks of him to others, it is only with respect and admiration--building him up--or he would not be so respected in the city.

Okay, that may be stretching the verse, but the Word does say "Don't say anything that would hurt [another person]. Instead, speak only what is good so that you can give help wherever it is needed. That way, what you say will help those who hear you" (Ephesians 4:29) and "clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12b-14). It seems God knows that His people have sensitive, tender hearts, and need to be spoken to with patience, gentleness, and kindness--even when we are correcting someone.

Men often have great egos with the world, but very small ones with their wives. Just as you want a man to sweep in and be your hero, he wants to be that hero. Men--even the most passive ones--secretly want to be the daring and valiant hero of the story. Families, society, their jobs, their wives, even their churches have taught them for long centuries to reject this side of themselves--creating men who are passive, angry, frightened, and cowardly because they do not know how else to be. Yet something in their hearts longs to be like God, longs to be the strong father and king and master and lover, longs to be wild and daring and brave.

If men can do great harm to women with their physical strength, women can do great harm to men with their words. Oh, don't misunderstand me: women and men, we want the same things! We both desire the man to be the best he can be, stronger, faster, braver, more loving, more loyal, more hardworking, better. We want the hero and he longs to be the hero. But we both secretly believe he cannot be that hero, he doesn't have what it takes, and he is just going to be a disappointment or embarrassment if he tries... and so we believe Satan's lies and do not even try. Or, if we try to encourage the men in our lives to be heroes, our way of motivating them looks a lot like criticizing, nagging, and belitting.

I am not blaming. I know most women's hearts are pure. We truly want our men to succeed, and when he won't do it on his own, and gentle encouragements don't help, we see no alternative but to 1. give up on him and do it ourselves or 2. nag him into it. Neither option is what we wanted, but those are the choices we think we have.

...Or is Satan lying again?

I believe men can be the heroes of the Bible and fairy tales. They may have to work hard, and fight their own fears, insecurities, and passive personalities, but they can do it. That is why God made them.

Just look at what God did for ordinary men in the Bible:

• Moses, who was so passive God finally got mad and gave the job to Aaron, was nonetheless given the bravery to face a king, free a nation of slaves, lead them into a barren desert, and part a sea.


• Adam, who was so passive he stood right by his wife and did not say a word while she disobeyed the only Father they'd ever known, nonetheless became the father of all humanity--his genes run in us all.


• Abraham, who was so passive and fearful he let his own wife be sexually used by another man, was nonetheless turned by God into a man who left his homeland and everything he'd known, believed on faith his barren wife would have a son, and was then brave enough to try to murder that son when God told him to.


• The youngest and most unimportant of Jesse's sons, too small to even wear a soldier's armor, nonetheless walked onto a battlefield with a trained soldier alone and had the courage to throw a rock at an armed man.


• Joseph, who in his youth was so arrogant his own family tried to kill him and them sold him into slavery, nonethess with God's help became the 2nd most important man in Egypt, a powerful and feared leader.


• Hosea, a solitary prophet, was someone given the strength to go back again and again, buying his wife back from her chosen vocation as a common prostitute, treating her with forgiveness and grace that are almost incomprehensible in his position. No doubt his heart and pride were mortally wounded that his own wife preferred a life of paid sex over him, a devout and upright man--yet he took her back and loved her anyway.


• And centuries later, Yeshua, a plain young man with no power, money, or background, was beaten, tortured, and killed--then rose three days later victorious, carrying the entire salvation of humanity on his back.

You see? God does amazing things with ordinary men. Tax collectors known for their pettiness and greed, traitors to their own people, became apostles of God Most High on earth. Paul, a nasty man who enjoyed killing and torturing innocent people in his spare time, was transformed into a man of power and prayer who singlehandedly spread Christianity throughout much of the known world.

God is a God of power and transformation. A God who defeats armies, defies kings, parts seas, rains fire upon entire populations, kills every firstborn in the country, and singlehandedly raises a dead man back to life will have no problem transforming your husband into a man like Himself--a man of power and goodness.

How can you help? By being his cheerleader! Make an effort to support him, even in his hobbies that you don't really care too much about. If you're having trouble being appreciative of him because of his many failures, try to write down a list of areas he is good in--maybe he plays with your children? gives good back rubs? makes his friends laugh? leaves generous tips? works hard at his job? attends church regularly? prays with you? throws a good curveball? can tell the difference between 5 types of beer with his eyes closed? remembers your birthday? feeds the dog? No matter how small, make a list of things he does well, is good at, or tries hard at. Make a list of times he made you smile, made you laugh, made your day happier, gave you really fabulous sex, or helped you solve a problem.

Now that you have a list of things he does well, make a goal to say something to build him up once or twice a day. Make sure it's sincere; even something small, like, "Remember that time you brought my mom flowers? That was so sweet! I was just thinking about what a sweet man you are," will make him feel appreciated. Probably it won't have any huge effects on him at first, but eventually he will feel that you are appreciating him for who he is.

Of course, if the first part of being his biggest cheerleader is saying more positive things, what is the second part? Saying fewer negative ones! This will probably be harder for you than saying positive things.

Every day, read over a Bible verse that discusses the importance of holy talk, encouragement, gentleness, kindness, patience, and lack of negativity in our dealings with each other. When you catch yourself about to say something snappy or demeaning, stop yourself and ask: do I really need to bring this up? Usually, the answer is no. If this is an important subject that actually requires you to bring up an area of his weakness, remember to focus on making it a "loving confrontation." Say only what is needed for him to understand the problem and improve; criticism, nagging, and sarcasm are not needed. Remember to "say only what is helpful for building others up" and weigh your words by this standard.

If you fail sometimes, that's okay; you're human! Just learn from your slip-up and try not to make the same mistake again. Tell your husband how much you love and respect him. Give him reasons you respect him, remind him of why you first fell in love with him, and point out things he does well. Make sure he knows you notice the times he succeeds and he feels you are his biggest cheerleader. The more he feels you are on his side, the more he is going to want to become that Godly, heroic man for you! And in that situation, everyone wins.