How to Treat Your Woman the Way She Wants to Be Treated

Men, I've found, often treat women then way they themselves want to be treated... or, worse, how they believe women should be treated. (Women, of course, do the same to men.) But I'm here to suggest (*gasp*) that you treat your woman the way she wants to be treated. Probably she doesn't always deserve it. Guaranteed it's not how you'd want to be treated in her shoes. But I'm going to do the unheard of and suggest you love your wife or girlfriend or daughter or mom, not the way you think you should, and not the way she deserves at that moment, but the way God loves her. Fiercely, passionately, jealously, and completely disregarding what she'd done or how she's acting or what she deserves.

First John 1:10 tells us:

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an
atoning sacrifice for our sins."

This is how God loves you; this is how God loves her. I suggest that you treat her as Christ treats the church (what does this mean?) full of undying love and devotion, even when she doesn't deserve it. As God's Word tells us:

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
Christ God forgave you." -Ephesians 4:32

But how do women want to be loved?

Fiercely. Passionately. Loudly. The specifics vary, as each woman is unique, but they all want to be loved the way God loves them. In the heart of every saved woman is the desire to be loved the way Jesus loves her; she has given her whole heart to Him, and He has never hurt her. We women sometimes desire perfection: we want you to be like Jesus. We ache for someone on earth, someone flesh and blood, to minister to our spirits, heal our hearts, feed our spiritual hunger, love every single dark, hidden part of us, and be a ray of healing light and hope into our hearts. We already know that precious love from Jesus, and something in our hearts yearns for it here on earth, too; a man who walks so closely to Jesus, and is so much like Him, that he can allow the healing love of Jesus to flow through him and into us! And if you don't yet believe that a husband's job on earth is to be a flesh-and-blood representation of Jesus' love for your wife, I suggest you read Ephesians 5:25-32 again!

To do this, you must walk as He walked (1 Peter 1:16) and love as He loves. This means keeping up with your own spiritual walk and relationship with Jesus, daily prayer, consistent access to the Sacraments and church services, and a continual strive for improvement in your life. But even a man with the most loving, servant-oriented heart toward his wife can be mystified and confused by this question: what does she want?!

The answer, of course, is Jesus. Read the Bible to find out more about Him, how He was, and how you can be like Him. But you are still human, still imperfect. Are there good, great men you can follow?

Of course! To do this, you need to delve a little into the world of women. Why do you think they cry at sad movies and sigh over romantic books? Because the heroes in them remind us of a longing in our own hearts--and because the heroines in them, imperfect and unlovable, remind us of ourselves. And yet for all the heroine's flaws, in the stories we love she finds a man--good, kind, strong, and loyal, who sees past her flaws to the trapped angel beneath, and loves her anyway. We sigh, we swoon, we cry, and our husbands do not understand that by looking to these characters we love, they find a valuable clue to what it is we want.

Look at heroic men and dashing heros that women love. Look at the princes in all the Disney movies--they find the princess, often disguised in rags and dust, but they fall madly in love with her anyway. He is blind to richer, better, or more beautiful women; he has eyes only for her. At the end of the movie, he must fight a battle for the princess: he must insightfully see the key to get past her cold defenses (a kiss), or more often, he must willingly enter into a forest of thorns, climb to the top of a mountain, and battle a fierce, fire-breathing dragon who seeks to harm his princess. These princes have no annoying friends or controlling mother-in-laws. They would never rather play golf than be with her. They have no commitment issues, but can't wait to get married and spend their lives with such a wonderful woman. They take her to balls, sing to her, bring her gifts, and take her dancing. They never sigh because she has not finished dinner on time. Their purpose in life is just one: to love her deeply and truly, forever.

This is what we want. Yet so many times we see the men in our live--our prince charmings--sitting despondently outside a thorn forest, complaining about having to go in, and wondering aloud if their princess is really worth all those cuts and getting their clothes torn to shreds. We see them eyeing the dragon doubtfully, then carefully backing off to let their princess deal with it on her own--after all, she is the one who has a problem with the dragon; he likes his meat burnt! We see men denying the dragon is there, or only willing to fight halfheartedly, or complaining after the dragon is vanquished that they should have never gone to all that trouble for us in the first place! And inside, our hearts break a little.

Every woman wants a prince charming. And if she picked you, she thinks you have the potential to be her prince charming! You should feel honored and special. Your wife has a little girl inside who wants a prince to fight for our honor, our safety, and our hearts. You, as a man, have a need to be the brave and valiant hero that whisks her to safety as she gazes up at you with star-struck eyes. Your desires complement each other in this area! But we have been hurt by our fathers, bosses, other princes, and you. And you have forgotten your crown because we get so wrapped up in criticizing you and complaining that you forgot to take out the trash. Reclaim the fairy tale! When you reach those symbolic moments when the princess has fled, leaving only a glass slipper, or she is deep in a death-like coma, or she is trapped in a tower by an evil queed, or you face a fire-breathing dragon and thorn forest, ask yourself, "Would Prince Charming have my reaction?" If not, change your reaction; be the prince charming she wants and needs.

Women don't only pine after animated characters. Look at the great heroes of film and books. Look at the quiet, enduring love of Edward and the Colonel in Sense and Sensibility. Look at the fierce, dedicated passion of Nathaniel in Last of the Mohicans. Look at the stern, unyielding dedication of Mr. Rochester in Jane Eyre, the all-forgiving love of Raul in The Phantom of the Opera, and the tender, kind, and true heart of Faramir in The Lord of the Rings. These are men who are not afraid to fight the odds or another man to win their heroine, whose love never dies even after betrayal, abandonment, and lies, and who follow the truth and right path even when those around them fail.

If you do not know how to love your woman this way, I suggest you watch these movies or read these books. If you want, do it alone when no one knows. Or, to really surprise your lady, tell her you want to watch a romantic comedy with her, and make it a cuddling and bonding time. Don't roll your eyes and wait for the movie to be over so she owes you one more Die Hard; really pay attention, without laughing or being judgmental, to the way these men act. They are not passive, they are not sissies, they are not "whipped." They are not even perfect. But they are in love, passionate, and good, and something in them makes your wife's heart stir, or she would not watch them.

Want to know what your wife longs for and pines after? Sit down one day and ask her who her favorite male characters are from books and movies. Ask her why they are her favorites. Listen intently to her answers, and then thank her for sharing. You will probably notice she gets dreamy and happy as she describes these men to you; she is showing you what her heart yearns for from you, her real-life prince charming. Listen, remember, and change. The movies your wife loves and the books that make her cry will give you invaluable insights into the types of human men she loves and the traits that make her swoon.

Remember that you are to show God to everyone you meet, and especially to your wife, flesh of your flesh. How can you show her God's love and personality? Think about God's traits, when it comes to His people, His bride, His church. This is how God feels about your wife! God gets angry and corrects misbehavior, but He always takes Israel back. He longs for her, He pines for her, and He is not ashamed to show it. Read Hosea 2 to see a wonderful example of God's love for His people; note how, even after all Israel's terrible sins and adultery, He pursues and allures her in verses 14-23, coaxing her back to Him. He does not treat her how she deserves, but as a queen who deserves His undying adoration and who is worth pursuing ardently, declaring His love to, and keeping forever, even in her sins.

Pray hard, ask God to make you more like Jesus, and love your wife the way God made her.