The following is an editorial I wrote on forgiveness in March 2007.
For the last few hours, forgiveness has been on my mind. What exactly is forgiveness? How can I forgive when I can't forget? I know that as Christians, we are forgiven for all we do. We come to God, we say we're sorry, and God casts it away. He completely forgets about it. It never comes up again. One of my favorite quotes was given to me by a friend's Mom when, in high school, I was confused about whether my forgiven sins are still going to be held against me on judgment day. She quoted this verse to me, and I have loved it ever since: "For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." When I am feeling bummed about something I did or one of my many failures, I remember this verse.
Another "big" moment in my road to learning about God's forgiveness was a sermon at a Protestant church. The pastor talked about how God completely forgets our sins once we have repented and asked forgiveness. He said that we come to God, groaning, "Oh, God! I have sinned AGAIN!" and that God simply replies, "Again?" To God, there is no again. He has chosen to forget, and so to Him, this is the first time we have ever sinned and the last as well. Lori once told me that when God looks at us, He doesn't see our sins. He sees Jesus. He sees Jesus in us, covering up our sins, and so when he looks at us He sees only perfection and love.
My friend also has a song which I really like, called Ocean Floor. The lyrics are so simple, but I believe they are based on a bible verse. To quote http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/audioadrenaline/oceanfloor.html:
They're all behind you
They'll never find you
They're on the ocean floor
Your sins are forgotten
They're on the bottom
Of the ocean floor
But I digress. I have lately been deep in thought about the matter of human forgiveness. Alexander Pope says, "To err is human, to forgive is divine." What does forgiveness mean when neither the offender nor the forgiver is divine? Suddenly what is easy with God becomes much harder with man. How do I forgive when I keep thinking about it? What if they don't even think they are wrong? What if they never admit they're wrong and they never apologize? What if they do it 20 more times? Am I obligated to forgive everyone for everything, or when is it just better to cut my losses and seek out healthier relationships with growing, striving Christians? (Because sometimes our parents and friends are abusive, cold, or wrong, and will never change.) Sometimes forgiving seems a lot easier for Jesus than it is for us.
I admire God deeply for His forgiving nature. It is one of the things I most respect about Him. Really. There are so many things about God that I want to be. I really respect those things about Him. He is strong, He is smart, He is capable, He is forgiving, He is loving. If Jesus were a man on earth he would be one pretty amazing guy. All the girls would want him. :) And I have read books that say every Christian woman is looking for a guy who embodies Jesus' good qualities. Heck, look at my list of God's qualities. What girl doesn't want a guy who has those, too? For that matter, what guy doesn't want a girl who embodies those? But that is a whole different topic. :)
But anyway, if I had to pick one thing I just really admire most about God, it would be His forgiveness. That is just something we humans cannot do well. We struggle and struggle with it. If I did to any human what I've done to God, they would have given up on me a long time ago. Yet God never does. I really respect that quality.So I am struggling right now with the issue of forgiveness. (Before all you analytical people start doing this whole A=B, B=C, then A=C thing in your heads, haha, let me just state that this has nothing to do with one issue or one person. I have just been mulling this over in my mind.) :) So today I have been looking it up a bit online. And I think there are some really good things out there. Definitely worth sharing.
"By the act of forgiveness we release the other person from a debt, an obligation to make whole something that has been injured or taken from us, whether in terms of property or from ourselves, in terms of our identity or self worth or our relationships with other persons. So, to begin with, "I forgive you" means, "I release you."To forgive another, we must be able to believe and decide that:
• The hurt was not intended, or
• It was motivated by a misunderstanding or an error.
• The offender is sorry, and
• Understands his or her acts, and
• The offender will make a sincere attempt to change and not hurt us in the same manner again in the future.
To forgive, we must:
1. Relieve the other person of their obligation to us for their hurting us.
2. Resist the temptation to bring up the offence again, unless it happens again.
3. Assist, the offender, either passively or actively, to make the adjustments that will be necessary to fulfill the intent of their apology.
4. Acknowledge changed behavior and attitudes, when growth has occurred.
http://www.drcomeau.com/Forgive-And-Be-Forgiven.htm by Dr. A. Comeau
In many situations, there is a desire for forgiveness and a desire to forgive -- a mutual desire for restoration. What most often gets in the way of restoration -- of forgiving and being forgiven -- is the inability to forget. Trust is broken, resulting in pain and anger. There is both a desire to ease the pain, and an impulse, arising out of the anger, to punish -- which merely perpetuates the pain. There is an assumption that, for all to be forgiven, all must be forgotten.
We must first understand that it is not necessary to forget in order to forgive. What is necessary is to remove from the other the consequences of what the other has done. This is a useful understanding because it gives us something we can actually do, something that, unlike forgetting, is actually within our power to do-- and it makes clear what the real limitations on forgiveness are.
If forgiveness is the removal of consequences, not all things can be forgiven. Not all things should be forgiven. We should not expect forgiveness to remove all pain. And forgiveness is not a momentary act. Forgiveness is a process attempting to restore a relationship, to renew a covenant.
And so this is what I think saying "I forgive you" means: "I do not wish my life to remain separated from your life. I want us to restore our relationship, to make a new covenant, to grow toward a new place of faith and trust."
http://www.uuca.org/sermon.php?id=46 by Dr. E. Frost
"I forgive you" means you're still wrong. --L.B. Gresham
Forgiveness is the miracle of a new beginning. It is to start where we are, NOT WHERE WE WISH WE WERE. It is to want to renew a friendship; to want a new relationship with husband, father, daughter, friend, or indeed enemy. It may not take away the hurt. It does not deny the past injury. It does not ignore the possibility and need for repentance and a change in the relationship.It means that I am willing to have a relationship with the other party that is based on Christian love and not on what has happened in the past, if the response of the other person makes that possible.
Two New Testament words we translate "to forgive" mean literally "to let go" and "to cancel a debt". I found that at times the phrase "I forgive you" seemed empty, so I said, "I release you. I let you go. I let go of this offence. I cancel your debt. You owe me nothing now. I renounce my desire to get even with you." That way, the imagery of this biblical language filled the word "forgiveness" with a more specific and concrete meaning. Of course, it is always on the cards that reconciliation may be impossible because of the unwillingness of the other party to be reconciled or to admit any fault in the matter. However, I am not responsible for their actions, only my own.
http://www.christianity.co.nz/forgive3.htm
(End of quotes)
One of the most profound things that changed my thinking on forgiveness was from a book on Christian marriage (probably the area in life where the most forgiveness is going to be necessary!). I cannot remember the entire quote, but it was basically this: "I forgive you means: I will not hold this against you any more. I will not bring this up again to you or anyone else. I choose to believe that what you did is not the person you are."
Probably the hardest part of that is to not bring it up again to the person or anyone else. It is so tempting to forgive them only UNTIL they screw up again. Then, when they make the mistake for the second (or thirty-second) time, those old hurts come up again, and we want to say, "Ah-HA! You did it AGAIN!" God does not do this. But we humans do. God says, "Again? What do you mean again?" Humans say, "I knew it! I knew you'd do this again!" Which is why I really believe Alexander Pope may have had the right idea when he said that to forgive is divine. I simply cannot forgive on my own strength. Too much of me is hurting, or sad, or shocked, or resentful, or angry. Even when our minds want to forgive, our emotions are powerful enemies. They take over our logic and when our brain is throwing quotes from the Bible telling us to forgive, our hurt emotions completey drown it out. Yet God does not do this. How can we? It is a divine gift to forgive like that. It is God working in us. I think the hardest thing for lots of people (including me!) is to go to God for restoration, not the person who hurt us. The first tendency for a human is to go to this person and say, "You hurt me. Please make it right again." Often, the other person can't or won't. They are only human too. They are hurting as well. They don't know how to make you whole. The correct answer is, of course, to go to God for restoration instead. "Lord, my mom hurt me. She took something away from me. But she can't give it back. Can You give it back to me instead? Help me." But this is hard. This is what I think Dr. Comeau means when he says we release the person of their obligation to us. It is so hard to do, but that is his advice. Don't go to them with your broken heart and ask them to make it right. Decide, out of the kindness of your own heart, to free them from any responsibility to make you feel better. Go to God to make you feel better instead.
Is this always possible? Is this always wise? I don't know. But I think that is what he is saying. Of course, I'm thinking out loud. I do not believe that writing a facebook note about forgiveness is going to help. I think the best thing for me to do is pray. To pray for myself about this. To pray for my friends and family. To pray that all of us will learn to forgive, maybe never to forget, but to at least forgive, clear the slate, and move on. And two days later, when the same thing comes up again, to do it again. And again. And again.
For those of you that are praying people, please pray for me as well. That I will get better at this. That I will grow at this. One of the most powerful things anyone has ever said to me, and again, this is from a beautiful and wonderful Christian woman, was when I came to her, hurt and depressed over something horrible I had done. I expected her to be horrified, or disappointed, and to let me know how awful it was. Instead, my beautiful Christian friend showed me God's heart. She told me:
"I don't care what you did. I know your heart, and that is not you. That is not who you are."
She was the first person (but not the last! And for that, thanks to many of my beautiful and wonderful friends and family) who ever saw a beautiful heart still existed behind my sin and failures. She choose not to worry about the failures. She choose to look past and see the heart, and to let me know she saw such good things in me. Can we do this for each other? "I know your heart, and that is not you. That is not who you are."
"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more." Romans 5:20
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:8
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