How to Deal with Your Anger

You probably don't consider yourself an angry person. But do you find yourself often apologizing to your spouse for something you've said during a fight?

Do you get so angry sometimes that you say or do mean, hurtful things you are later ashamed of? Do you forget that you love your spouse when you are angry at him? Does your spouse ever mention that you have a temper or that you seem like a different person during arguments? Do you get irritated with your coworkers, children, or friends for small reasons? Do you find your blood pumping and heart racing when someone cuts you off in traffic or cuts in line at the grocery store?


Anger is a healthy emotion we all feel. Anger warns us when something important to us--ourselves, our families, or our ideals--are threatened by an outside force. It motivates us to stand up and fight for what is important to us.

But anger is often misused. Many people simply don't know tips for healthy fighting. They use anger as a weapon or an excuse for hateful behavior. Many of us get angry for small reasons. If you are often angry and tense (typically called a "Type A" personality), you are at risk for high blood pressure, heart disease, organ damage, lowered immune system, and early death. You also risk losing friends and loved ones, damaging relationships, and wounding your spouse and children for years to come. What you say in a moment of anger may haunt your loved one for the rest of his life.

I have been researching this because of a recent fight with my partner. We've both noticed patterns in his behavior; he is normally laid back and loving, but when he gets frightened or angry, he goes from a 1 to a 10 and becomes an entirely different person. He leaves the fight feeling guilty and terrible and I leave feeling hurt and bewildered. I have much experience with "angry people"--from my mother and brother to many past relationships. These people are not fun to be around, explode at any moment, and say hurtful things that I carry still, years later. Coming from people who are supposed to love me, it wounds me even more.

I am not completely innocent of angry outbursts, of course. None of us is! Even though I am a fairly passive person (I tend to get hurt and depressed more than angry), I've still struggled with my anger. When I get furious, it is easy to slip into sarcasm, insults, and blaming. Many of us also go through periods in our lives when struggle with our tempers more. I once was in a one-year relationship with an incredibly volatile, angry man. Eventually, my emotions became so raw and bloodied, and I was so constantly on edge around him, that I lost control of my temper, too. I would scream and insult back. I started exhibiting characteristics totally unlike me; I became defensive, angry, and prone to outbursts. I screamed at him or sobbed unconsolably at the slightest provocation. I threw things and tried to hit or hurt him. In such an angry, abusive environment, I became the worst version of myself.

So no one is completely innocent of misusing our anger. We all could use some help managing it and keeping it healthy and constructive. What are some ways you can do this?

First, try a time out. It is best to do some physical activity when you feel enraged; this gets rid of your pent-up adrenaline. Go take a walk, work out at the gym, or jog around the block. If this isn't your style, doing something relaxing: read a book, journal your feelings, do some yoga, pray or meditate, or take a hot shower.

Second, relax yourself. When you get angry, your heart rate starts to go up and you begin to take shallow, rapid breaths that only reach your upper chest. This just makes you feel angrier! Take slow, deep breaths. Lie flat on your back and place one hand on your stomach and one on your chest. Practice breathing so that the hand on your stomach rises and falls, but the one on your chest never moves. This is the deep breathing you need to do when you are angry.

Third, recognize your anger continuum. No one goes from a 1 to a 10 without stopping. There are some middle numbers in there, but you just may be shooting through them so fast you don't realize it! When you begin to get frustrated, make a mental note ("I'm at a 2") or share it with your partner. When you start to get genuinely angry, warn your partner, "I feel like a 6, I need to take a break," or just pay attention to your emotional level so you are more aware of your feelings and can control them better.

Next, be aware of your "angry thinking." Angry thinking tends to be less rational than when you are relaxed. Your thoughts and feelings when angry probably tend to be accusatory, blaming, and judgmental. You are probably operating under a "guilty until proven innocent" system without even realizing it. Any things you say under the influence of anger are probably going to be nasty, sarcastic, hateful, and unfair. You need to realize your feelings right now are not based on logic. There is about a 99% chance you are jumping to conclusions based on incomplete information. Stop, slow down, and remind yourself that while "angry thinking," your perceptions can't be trusted. Your mind is telling you one thing is true, but it is lying to you. Remember why you love your partner. Remind yourself that no matter how you feel, people under "angry think" are operating with incomplete information and irrational emotions. You should not jump to conclusions or make any judgments right now. Calm down, and when you are ready, tell your partner you realize you probably don't have all the correct information yet, and ask her to fill you in. Listen with an open mind, and make sure you keep an "innocent until proven guilty" mindset.

One great idea is to do an anger log. This is because our anger has assumptions we don't even realize. We feel "angry." But what makes anger? It is a negative emotion, plus the feeling of being purposefully wronged. We often do not even realize we are making this assumption, which is why an anger log can help. I myself used one for several weeks and was amazed at the subconcious assumptions I'd been making without even realizing it.

What does it mean to be purposefully wronged? Well, we don't feel angry if someone hurt us by accident. We may feel physical pain, or emotionally hurt, but if we see it was completely unintentional, we will probably forgive the person anyway. When a stranger accidentally steps on your toe, then looks up in surprise and gasps, "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry; I didn't see you there!" are we angry? No. Even if our toe hurts, we probably smile kindly and say, "No problem; it was an accident." It is only when we secretly feel we have been purposefully wronged that we get angry.

Make four columns on a piece of paper. Label them "Trigger," "Emotion," "How I've Been Purposefully Wronged," and "My Reaction." Think of a few times you've been angry recently. Break down the emotions and you will begin to see patterns: what things often trigger your anger? What subconscious assumptions were you making about the person's intent to hurt or wrong you? How did you react?

Some examples might look like this:

• Billy had painted all over the wall when I got home (trigger)! I felt horrified and sad (emotion) and got furious because he should know better (purposefully wronged). I screamed at him and sent him to his room (reaction.)


• Adam went out with his friends when I wanted to spend time together (trigger). I felt rejected and jealous (emotion) that he did not care about me and put other things first. That is so selfish (purposefully wronged). I gave him the silent treatment all night when he got home (reaction).


• Some jerk cut me off in traffic (trigger)! I was so stressed (emotion) because I was already late for work. Why does that jerk think his destination is more important than mine (purposefully wronged)?! I honked, flipped him the bird, and passed by him too fast and realy close (reaction).

Eventually, you will find patterns; certain triggers that often make you angry, for example. You can share these with your partner, and together work to avoid these. It is possible you are getting angry at minor triggers, or that your partner is triggering you without even realizing it.

The most important thing you can learn from an anger log is your underlying assumptions about how this person wronged you, took something from you, or encroached on your boundaries. Combined with our negative emotions, that is what makes us feel anger. Often we subconsciously make assumptions about that person's intent that, once recognized, we see are probably totally false! Billy didn't paint on the wall to make more work for his mom or to ruin her day, but because children want to make art. Adam didn't hang out with his buddies to hurt his wife or because he is a selfish jerk who always puts himself first. Once she realizes she has made this assumption, she will probably recognize it as false, remember he is a loving husband, and come to the next logical conclusion: he went out with the guys to relax and have some guy time, not to hurt her. Now she no longer feels threatened or wronged, and her anger has been avoided.

The final suggestion I have is to make an anger contract. Pick a few goals (3 to 5). Make them specific; "I'm going to fight less" is not measurable, but "I'm going to stop raising my voice at my wife" is. Write your goals out, date it, and sign it in ink. Post it somewhere you can see it. If you like, have a friend or your spouse witness it for you and sign as well, to help keep you accountable. Then set a date for the end of the contract (a few days to a week). Decide upon a reward for yourself if you meet all your goals. At the end of the time, you and your witness should review your contract. Can you see improvement? Did you meet your goals?

If you have met some goals, great! Make a new contract. You can re-do goals that still need work or improvement, and add new ones to replace the areas you've succeeded in. Set a new date and start the whole process again. Each time you succeed, reward yourself. Make the next contract for a longer period of time, if you wish. This way, you are slowly training yourself to handle your anger and have your needs met, while still treating your spouse with the love and respect he deserves, even when you are angry.

Remember, we are to "be angry but do not sin" (Ephesians 4:26). There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, but God warns us we are still to treat His precious people with the love and respect He himself would show them! We are to say "only what is helpful for building others up" (Ephesians 4:29). Before you snap at your spouse, ask yourself, "Would I say this aloud if Jesus were standing right here in the room, holding my spouse's hand?" If the answer is no, don't say it! Read Ephesians 4 and the book of James for more help in dealing with anger and conflict.

For a fantastic document giving all the info you could ever want to know about anger management, go to Mental Help: Anger Management.

Also see Anger Management Tips.